Jessica Sorensen - Saving Quinton

So I just stand there as Donny strides toward me, raising the iron rod like he’s about to hit me, while Tristan shouts something at me, racing for the sidewalk. I could try to protect myself. Pick up something and chuck it at him, even throw a punch at him. But I don’t feel like it, my heart steady in my chest, my arms resting calmly at my sides. I don’t move even when he swings the tire iron straight at my face. He does it again and again, then takes a break, but only to steal the bag of crystal I have in my pocket. Then he continues striking me.

Quinton, I love you…I swear I hear Lexi’s voice, but I might be tripping out.

I’m not even sure why I decide to give up at this moment. Maybe it’s because I think I hear Lexi calling to me or perhaps it’s that I’ve got so much methamphetamine racing through my bloodstream that my thoughts blur together and the good choices and the bad ones get mixed together and create confusion. Or maybe it’s just that I’m tired of fighting reality and I’m finally facing my future. The future I don’t have. Or maybe I’ve finally reached the bottom of my fall and I’m ready to walk straight on into that coffin.

Nova

“Save Me” by Unwritten Law is playing from my iPod through the stereo speakers and the trunk of the Chevy Nova is packed with all the stuff Lea and I could cram in there, the backseat packed with our instruments. The rest of our stuff we put into a storage unit. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and there’s a long stretch of road before me. It’s the perfect day to be driving, but my heart sits heavy in my chest. I’m not even sure what I’m going to do when I get to Vegas. Just show up on Quinton’s doorstep? Knock and say Hello, I’m here to save you?

God, I sound so preachy.

Thankfully, Lea has an uncle who lives in Vegas. His name is Brandon and he said he’d let us stay in the spare bedroom for a few weeks; otherwise we’d have to get a hotel and we don’t have a lot of cash, since we both quit our jobs for the summer and are living on our savings.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” I turn the stereo down, but crank up the air. It’s hot and the backs of my legs are sticking to the leather seat and my hands are slippery as they hold on to the steering wheel.

Lea raises her head from the stack of papers on her lap, the one she’s been reading pretty much the entire drive, trying to figure out the best way to approach a drug user even though I tried to tell her papers she printed out from a random website won’t necessarily help her understand everything, just some things. “I already told you I was like a thousand times.”

“I know.” I tuck strands of hair behind my ear. “But I feel like this is all my fault.”

She shakes her head and returns her focus to the papers. “What happened between Jaxon and me has been a long time coming.”

“But I love you two together,” I say, pulling my sunglasses over my eyes. “It hurts that you broke up.”

“We were going to break up anyway,” she replies, sifting through the papers. “We’ve been talking about it for weeks. We want two different things…he wants commitment and he kept talking about moving in and getting engaged and me…I don’t even know what I want and until I do, I’m not committing to anything.”

I can’t help but think of the things I wanted from Landon, commitment and a future, and how he would never fully commit to either, which makes me wonder how long he thought about leaving this world.

I stare at the road ahead, which is lined by the desert and cacti. “It still hurts to think about it—you guys seemed like soul mates.”

“I don’t believe in soul mates.” She clears her throat multiple times like she’s fighting back tears. “But it hurts me, too, and I don’t feel like talking about it, otherwise I’ll start crying. Then you’ll start crying and I don’t want to have to pull over so we can have a bawling fest, so can we please drop it for now?”

I continue to drive down the road, trying to focus on getting us to Vegas, instead of thinking about Quinton and Lea and Jaxon, or how upset my mom’s going to be because I’m not coming straight home, but I think about it all. Lea and I don’t speak for a while and when I pull into the gas station just off an exit ramp to gas up, I finally decide to call my mother and tell her what’s going on. I’ve been avoiding the call, knowing she’ll worry, but I don’t want to keep things from her. Plus, she thinks I’m on my way home.

“I’m going to call my mom,” I tell Lea and then hand her my wallet out of my bag. “Can you put the gas in and pay?”

She puts the papers in the backseat. “Of course.” She takes the wallet from me and hops out of the car as I dial my mom’s number and roll down the window because without the engine on there’s no air conditioning and it’s hotter than heck.

My mom picks up after two rings and her voice is elated, like she’s super happy to hear from me. “I was just going to call you,” she says. “To see when you were headed home.”

“Oh.” I grip the steering wheel, nervous, my palms sweating. “Yeah, about that…I’m not coming straight home.”

“What do you mean?” She sounds hurt.

“I mean…” I trail off, clearing my throat. “Look, Mom, don’t flip out, but I need to go to Vegas for a few weeks.”

“Vegas?” she asks, now worried. “Why would you go there?”

“Because…I need to help a friend.”

“What friend?” she asks, but by her disapproving tone, I think she already knows, especially since she knows I’ve been looking for him, not to help him or anything, but to get him to sign the release form for my video project.

I release a breath that’s cramming up my airway. “You remember that guy Quinton that I told you about?”

She’s quiet for quite a while and when she speaks, she’s wary. “Yeah, the one you spent time with last summer, right?”

“Yeah, that’s the one…well, I’m going to see him.” I hold my breath, waiting for her reaction—waiting for her to yell at me not to go.

She pauses again and I can hear her breathing heavily on the other end. “Why?”

“Because he needs my help.” I’m surprised she’s not freaking out more.

“With what?” She’s not connecting the dots.

“With…with getting better,” I explain evasively.

“Nova, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she says quickly as it clicks in her head what I’m implying—what Quinton needs help with. I told her enough about last summer that she knows about him, but what she doesn’t know is about the car accident. So I tell her the details of the crash quickly as Lea heads in to pay for the gas. I make sure to tell her everything important, what he went through, how I feel about helping him—how important this is to me. When I finish, my mom’s silent and I’m anxious about how she’s going to react.

“So Lea’s with you?” she finally asks. My mom likes Lea a lot. I brought her home for Christmas last year and my mom spent a lot of time talking with her and hasn’t been able to stop beaming about her since.

I stare at the gas station window, where I can see Lea at the counter paying. “She is.”

“How long are you going to be down there?” she asks and I’m surprised she’s even made it this far without fighting it more.

“I’m not sure yet…it all sort of depends.”

“On what?”

“On how bad he is,” I say, wiping my sweaty palms on the sides of my shorts.

“Nova…I don’t think it’s such a good idea…” She searches for the right words, panic seeping in, afraid she’s going to lose her daughter again. “I mean, you barely got over this kind of stuff yourself and I’m worried that it’ll be too easy for you to fall back into that stuff.”

“Mom, I’m a lot stronger than I used to be,” I assure her. “And I have Lea here to keep an eye on me and you know how good she is at that stuff.”

She sighs heavy-heartedly. “I’m still worried and I don’t think I can just let you go.”

“I’m worried, too, but about Quinton,” I tell her. “Mom, he doesn’t have anyone else to help him, at least from what I know. And if you get really worried, you can come down and check up on me. It’s only like an eight-hour drive, but I promise I’ll be okay.”

“You’d let me check up on you?” she asks, astounded.

“Yeah, because I know there’s going to be nothing to check up on,” I say. “I’m going to be okay. I can do this—I want to help him. And I need to, not just for him…but for me…this is just something I have to do, whether you like it or not.” I hate adding the last part, but it needs to be done to get my point across that she can’t talk me out of this.

She’s silent again and it’s driving me crazy. Although I’ll still go no matter what she says, I want her to support me and I wish she would relax. But I do understand where she’s coming from, considering what I’ve put her through in the past.

My mom’s still not saying anything when Lea gets into the car. She drops a large bag of Cheetos in between us, along with a bottle of water and a bottle of Dr Pepper, then shuts the door. She gives me a weird look as I start the engine and crank the air conditioning. She starts to say something, but I hold up my finger.

“Mom, are you there?” I ask, rolling up the window.

“Yeah, I’m here.” She exhales loudly. “All right, I’ll let you do this, but I’m not happy about it at all. And I want you to call me three times a day at least and if things get bad, I need Lea to tell me. Not you.”

I’m a little wounded by her last remark, but at the same time I can’t blame her. All that time I spent telling her I was okay, when I was dying inside—she knows how easily I can be silent when things get hard.

“Okay,” I tell her, knowing she can’t really force me to do anything, since I’m an adult. Calling her is just me trying to be a good daughter and let her know my plans. “I can do that for you.”

“Now put Lea on the phone,” she says in a stern tone.

“What? Why?”

“Because I want to talk to her.”

“Okay…hold on.” I hand Lea the phone.

Lea takes it, her face contorting with confusion. “What’s up?” she asks me, staring down at the screen.

“She wants to talk to you,” I explain, putting the car into drive. “But I don’t know about what.”

Lea places the phone up to her ear and says hello as I drive back onto the freeway. They chat for a while, Lea keeping her answers pretty simple. Eventually Lea hangs up and puts my phone down on the seat between us. She doesn’t say anything, opening up the bag of Cheetos as she relaxes back in the seat, and aiming the vent at her face.

“So are you going to tell me what she said?” I ask.

Lea shrugs as she pops a Cheeto into her mouth. “Nothing much. She just told me to keep an eye on you, which I was already planning on doing.” She puts her feet up on the dash. “She really cares about you, you know.”

“I know,” I say, taking a handful of Cheetos. “I hate that she’s worried.”

“You should be glad that she does worry. It means she loves you.” She says it sadly, probably thinking about her own mom and their strained relationship since her father took his own life and her mother left Lea and her sister to live with their grandmother, because she couldn’t handle being a mother alone. I think she’s been trying to get back into Lea’s life, but Lea’s struggling with it.

“I am glad.” I switch lanes, then wipe my Cheeto fingers on the side of my shorts. “But I hate worrying her.”

And I do. I’ve put my mom through enough already, but going to Vegas—to Quinton—is something I have to do. If I don’t, I’ll always look back and regret it, and like Lea’s tattoo says, I don’t want to live my life with regrets. I have a lot of them in my life and I don’t want any more.

Lea and I eat Cheetos and talk about what we’re going to do for the next few weeks until the city comes into view. Then Lea sits up, lowering her feet to the floor, and leans forward to look at the city sinfully glinting in the distance. “God, it’s small, yet it’s not.”

I nod in agreement as I take in the uniquely shaped towers and buildings stretching toward the sky, and the massive billboards on the sides of the road trying to convince us of how much fun we’re going to have.

“You know, I came here a few times when I was younger,” Lea says. “But I never went directly into the city onto the Strip…but now I’m sort of curious.”

“It looks intense,” I remark, checking the GPS on the dash for directions. “This thing says we don’t even go into the city to get to your uncle’s house.”