Alyson ël - Saving Zoë

But then again, I’m not Zoë.

Which means I don’t even stop by the mirror to check my reflection before I go downstairs to greet him.

I’ve never cooked dinner for anyone before, much less a guy. Though to be honest, I guess I still haven’t. I mean, my mom’s the one who actually made the lasagna. All I did was reheat it.

“This is excellent,” Parker says, taking another bite.

“Glad you like it.” I nod, hating the way I sound so stiff and formal, and how it’s practically impossible for me to ever relax and be normal around him.

“I had no idea you were such a good cook.” He smiles. “Which makes me wonder what other talents you’re

hiding.”

I reach for my glass and sip my water, even though it’s really more about nerves than thirst. “Well actually, I didn’t really make it. You know, the lasagna,” I say, mentally rolling my eyes at my lame-brain self, wondering what the heck he’s even doing here. I mean, is he desperate? Is this some kind of bet?

“Well, you’ve got the whole reheating gig down, and that’s gotta count for something, right?” He smiles.

We mostly talk about school, classes, teachers, people we know. And every time there’s a break, every time it gets silent, the scraping of his fork sounds so incredibly loud that I say just about anything to fill up the gap.

He helps me clear the table, then I lead him to the den. But just as I make a beeline for the couch he touches my arm and goes, “Where’s your room?”

And I go, “Oh, urn, it’s upstairs.” Then I point in that direction, like he doesn’t know where up is. Oh God.

“Can I see it?”

I glance at the clock, then back at him, knowing my parents won’t return for at least another hour. Which

technically should make me want to say yes, even though I’m a lot closer to no.

“Come on. I just wanna see what it’s like,” he says, smiling in a way that’s trying a little too hard to seem friendly and harmless, and like he has no ulterior motives.

If i was Zoë, I would’ve served the entire meal on my bed, sitting Indian style on my duvet, with plates and dishes spread all around, just lighting candles, cranking a CD, and not giving a shit if anything spilled. But even though I’m nothing like her, that doesn’t mean I have to act like me. So I grab his hand and take a deep breath, promising myself it will all be okay.

He stands in the doorway, scoping it out. “Yup,” he says, making his way across the room until he’s standing before my bookshelf.

“Yup, what?” I ask, leaning against the wall and trying to see my room for the very first time, to see it like he sees it.

His eyes scan the titles of all of my books, as his fingers brush lightly over my Softball trophies, second and third place, from fourth and fifth grade. “Just like I thought,” he says, turning to smile.

I just stand there, wondering if I should feel more disappointed that I’m apparently so predictable and easy to read.

“Lots of books, a few CDs, but thank God no puppy posters or pictures of Aaron Carter.” He laughs.

“Well, I got rid of all that on my fifteenth birthday. Dumped it right in the trash. I’m into older men now. You know, octogenarians. Know where I can find a good Harrison Ford centerfold?” I ask, going over to lean on the edge of my desk and smiling nervously.

He checks out my TV, my iPod dock, and my bulletin board full of cards and letters and photos, including the one of me, Jenay, and Abby, making faces and hamming it up for the camera, and the one right next to it of Zoë and me sitting at the kitchen table, heads close together, crossing our eyes and sticking our tongues out at my dad, who was taking the picture. Then he wanders over to my bed, and sits on the edge. “When’re your parents coming back?” he asks, trying to sound casual, like he’s only mildly interested in the answer.

“An hour, two at the most,” I say, gazing down at my feet and my messed-up pedicure, and then curling my toes under so he won’t see.

“Would they freak if they found me here?”

I shrug. I mean, I really don’t know the answer to that since it’s not like I’ve ever had the opportunity to risk that kind of trouble before.

“No worries,” Parker says. “If they come home, I’ll just jump off your balcony.” He nods toward my open french

doors. “Or scale down that tree.” He smiles.

Then he pats the mattress like a silent invitation, and I take a deep breath and move toward him.

We’re kissing. We’re lying on my bed and kissing. And I can taste the lasagna lingering on his tongue, and smell the garlic mixed in with his breath. And even though it’s not near as bad as it sounds, it’s not what you’d call “amazing” either.

Still, I’m going through the motions, moving my lips against his and running my hands through his hair, even though all the while I can’t help wishing it was just a little bit better, just a smidge more romantic than it actually is.

But maybe it will never be like that for me. Maybe I’m not the kind of girl who inspires guys to spontaneous midnight visits and secret-message gift giving. Maybe I’m just like all the other girls who pretend they’re content with this, when really they’re longing for something more.

So far Parker hasn’t tried to do anything more than just kiss, which mostly makes me glad. And the only reason I say mostly is because I’m hoping he’s just trying to be cautious and respectful, and not because he’s turned off by my dowdy sweatpants and tee.

I know I should’ve brushed my hair. Or at the very least, smeared on some lip gloss. I mean, we’ve been dating for less than a month, and I’ve already let myself go.

I move in closer, kissing him harder, and shifting my body so I’m lying on top of his. Then I squeeze my eyes shut and dream of another place, one where he’s not really him, and I’m no longer me.

I run my fingertips down the side of his face, imagining his long dark lashes resting against his high, chiseled cheekbones. And when I reach up to brush my hair out of the way, I pretend that it’s smooth, wavy, and rich, not limp, lank, and dull.

“Echo,” he says, rolling me off ’til we’re facing each other, lying again on our sides.

“Hmmm,” I mumble, my eyes still closed, feeling happy and dreamy and free.

“Open your eyes,” he whispers.

So I do. Slowly lifting my lids, until I’m startled by the sight of his golden blond hair and blue eyes, so different from the familiar, dark stranger I held in my mind.

“Should I go?” he asks, gazing at me, before leaning in to kiss the side of my cheek.

I squint at him, wondering why he’s asking.

“Your parents. They’ll be back soon, and I don’t want you to get in trouble. I was just joking about scaling down your tree, you know that, right?”

But of course you were, I think, feeling disappointed that we’re back to being us, so different from who I really want to be. And just as I roll over, and start to get up, Zoë’s diary slips from its hiding space, and lands hard at my

feet.

“What’s that?” he says, reaching down to retrieve it.

But luckily I’m closer, which makes me quicker as well. So I swoop it up and hold it tight to my chest, then I look at him and say, “I think you should leave.”

All day at school I went through the motions — nodding, smiling, taking notes, acing pop quizzes, waving to friends, eating lunch, acting cute with Parker by sharing my brownie and laughing at all of his jokes. Yet the whole entire time, my eyes were searching for Marc. And I found myself lingering in the hall where he smokes, leaning against the wall where he eats, and stopping to tie my shoe in the area just outside the girl’s bathroom where I ran into him that very first day.

And it’s not like I was planning to actually talk to him or anything. I mean, I didn’t even know what to say. It’s more like I just wanted to see him, be near him, and share the same space with this person who I know so much about, but in such a strange, remote way.

And all the while, for the whole entire day, I was just waiting for the bell to ring, knowing that’s when I could finally go home, lie on my bed, pick up Zoë’s diary, and take up from where I left off.

Even last night after walking Parker to the door, I had every intention of bolting back up to my room and reading the diary. But then my parents drove up, and my dad, his face all flushed and happy from an evening of intellectual conversation and one too many glasses of wine, insisted we hang out in the den, watch a little TV, and get reacquainted during the three-minute commercial breaks.

And by the time I finally snuck out of there, it was late, I was tired, so I decided to call it a night.

“Are you guys going?” Jenay asks, shifting her books and stopping, having just reached the corner where we say good-bye and head our separate ways. “You know, to Teresa’s party?” she adds, removing a piece of windblown

blond hair from her lip gloss and tucking it back behind her ear.

I just shrug and look at Abby. I mean, it’s not like Teresa actually invited me or anything. But then I guess it’s not really that kind of a party. It’s more the haphazard, last-minute kind. The kind that gets planned the moment someone’s parents unexpectedly head out of town.

“I heard it’s going to be couples only. So count me out,” Abby says, staring off toward our street.

“Are you serious? Just couples? That’s so elitist,” i say, shaking my head and laughing, trying hard to appear like my normal, slightly sarcastic self, so my friends won’t see just how much I’m changing, and how I no longer care about any of this, especially now that I prefer Zoë’s world to my own.

“I think that’s only to keep the head count in check, so it doesn’t get all crazy and out of control. So no excuses, Ab. I mean, it’s not like there’s gonna be a velvet rope and a bouncer, so it’s not like you’ll get turned away at the door. At least think about it before you say no,” Jenay says, nodding encouragingly. “Please? Besides, if you want a date, I have the perfect guy all lined up and ready to go. All you have to do is say the word.”

“Forget it,” Abby says, blushing furiously but standing her ground. “I don’t accept donations, hand-me-downs, charity dates, or mercy hookups.”

“But you haven’t even met him! At least think it over, before you go all negative on me,” Jenay says, rolling her eyes but still laughing. “Listen, this guy is perfect for you, and this isn’t some crazy, random pairing because I’ve actually been thinking a lot about this. He’s super nice, really funny, and he’s incredibly smart too. And I mean like, majorly smart. He’s in my history class and he’s never once stumbled when he gets called on. Seriously, even when he’s messing around, he still knows all the answers.”

Abby puts her hand on her hip and shakes her head. “Did you even listen to your list? Nice, funny, smart, super smart even! Oh lucky day for me! But did you say hot? No. Gorgeous? Niente. Cute? Not so much. That’s a really bad sign, Jenay. A really bad sign.” She narrows her eyes.

But no way is Jenay giving up. “But that’s the thing, he is cute. Seriously, I swear. And the only reason I didn’t mention it first is because I know you’re not at all shallow or superficial. I know for a fact that you would never, ever base your opinion on looks alone.” She looks at each of us, smiling triumphantly, knowing there’s no way for Abby to argue with that.

Abby just stands there, squinting at Jenay as she mulls it over. “What’s his name?” she asks, as though that will somehow reveal which way to go.

“Jax. Jax Brannigan.”

“Jacks? Like plural? Like there’s two of him?” Abby says, her eyes going wide, as her head moves back and forth, indicating an immediate, “no way in hell” decision. “Jacks the nice, funny, super incredibly smart, two-headed history buff?”

“Jax with an x. And you can’t hold his name against him since it’s not like he named himself,” Jenay says, rolling her eyes, clearly frustrated with all of the obstacles Abby insists on throwing onto the otherwise well-marked path of love.

“What would you name yourself?” I ask, suddenly interested in this conversation, but probably only because as far as weird names go, I’m the undisputed queen. “I mean, if you could have any name, what would you pick?”