“I won’t,” she said faintly, but it was too late then.

Alexander grabbed her and shook her. Tatiana felt so vulnerable, so soft in his arms. Utterly defeated by his anger and his remorse and his desire, he pushed her hard away, cursed, picked up his things off the ground, and ran up the hill and through the path.


6


Tatiana ran after him, yelling, “Shura, please stop! Please!”

She couldn’t catch up. He disappeared through the woods. She ran all the way home. His things were still there, but he was not.

“What’s the matter, Tanechka?” Naira asked, carrying a basket of tomatoes.

“Nothing,” Tatiana replied, panting. She took the basket from Naira.

“Where is Alexander?”

“Still at the old house,” she said. “Taking the boards off the windows.”

“I hope he nails them back,” Dusia said, looking up from the Bible, “when he is done. What’s he doing that for anyway?”

“I don’t know,” Tatiana said, turning away so they wouldn’t see her face. “Do you need your medicine, Raisa?”

“Yes, please.”

Tatiana gave Raisa her medicine for the shakes, medicine that didn’t help at all, and then she folded the sheets she had washed yesterday, and then — so afraid he was going to come, take his things, and leave — she hid his tent and rifle in the shed behind the house, and then she went down to the river and washed all his uniforms by hand on the washboard.

Alexander still had not come back.

Tatiana took his helmet into the woods and picked a whole helmetful of blueberries. Returning home, she made a blueberry pie and blueberry compôte, a thick fruit drink.

Alexander still hadn’t come back.

Tatiana went and caught some fish and made ukha, fish soup, for dinner. He once said he really liked ukha.

Alexander still hadn’t come back.

Tatiana peeled some potatoes, grated them, and made potato pancakes.

Vova came and asked if she wanted to go swimming. She said no and got out some ribbed cotton material and made Alexander a new, larger sleeveless top.

And still he hadn’t come back.

Why couldn’t he just have stayed and finished their fight? She wasn’t going anywhere; she was staying until the end, why couldn’t he? The pit of her stomach was so empty and scared. Well, she wasn’t going to let him go until they finished it. She didn’t care how he lost his temper.

Now it was six o’clock and time to go to the banya. She left him a note. Dearest Shura, If you’re hungry, please eat the soup and the pancakes. We’re at the bathhouse. Or you could wait for us and we will eat together. On your bed is a new top for you. I hope it fits better. Tania.

In the bathhouse she scrubbed herself for him until she was glistening pink.

Zoe asked her if Alexander was going to join them by the fire this evening.

“I don’t know,” said Tatiana. “You’d have to ask him.”

Zoe said, flinging her great big breasts, “He is quite delicious. Do you think he is feeling awful over Dasha?”

“Yes.”

Zoe smiled. “Maybe he needs a little comfort.”

Tatiana looked Zoe straight in the face. As if Zoe had any idea about what comfort Alexander needed. “I don’t know what you mean,” she said coolly.

“No, you wouldn’t. Never mind.” Zoe laughed and went to get changed.

Tatiana dried off and dressed, brushing her wet hair and leaving it down past her shoulders. She put on a blue print cotton dress she had made; it was thin and sleeveless with a half-open back and a short hemline. When they all came out of the bathhouse, Alexander was waiting for them outside. Tatiana locked her relieved eyes on him for a moment and then, unable to take his expression, looked away.

“There he is!” Naira said. “Where have you been all day?”

Dusia asked, “How are the windows in the house?”

“Windows? What house?” he asked gruffly.

“Vasili Metanov’s house. Tania said you were taking the boards off the windows.”

“Oh,” he said, never taking his darkened eyes off Tatiana. She stood next to Raisa, hoping to hide behind Raisa’s shaking.

“Are you hungry? Have you eaten?” Tatiana asked him in her smallest voice. She couldn’t find a bigger one.

Mutely he shook his head.

They all started walking home. Axinya took Alexander’s arm. Zoe came up close on the other side of him, took his other arm and asked if Alexander wanted to go to the fire.

“No,” he replied, pulling away from Zoe and toward Tatiana, bending down to her and whispering, “What did you do with my things?”

“Hid them,” she whispered back, her heart throbbing. She wanted to put her hand on him, but she was afraid he’d lose his control, and they would have to have it out in front of everyone.

“Tania makes very good fish soup, Alexander,” Naira said. “You like fish soup?”

Dusia piped up, “And her blueberry pie is out of this world. I’m so hungry.”

“Why?” Alexander whispered.

“Why what?” Dusia asked.

“Never mind,” Alexander said, moving away from them all.

When they got home, Tatiana busied herself with setting the table. She looked up on her bed to see if he had read the note and taken the shirt. The note was gone. The shirt remained where she had left it.

Alexander came inside. The four ladies were out on the porch. “Where are my things?” he asked.

“Shura—”

“Stop it,” he snapped. “Give me my things so I can leave.”

“Alexander, can you come here?” Naira stuck her head in. “We need your help opening this bottle of vodka. The cap seems to be stuck.”

He went out on the porch. Tatiana’s hands were trembling as badly as Raisa’s. She dropped one of the dishes. The metal plate made quite a clang when it hit the wooden floor.

Vova arrived. The porch was filled with laughing voices.

Alexander came inside and opened his mouth to speak. Tatiana motioned to the back of him. Vova stood in the doorway. “Tanyusha, do you need help? Can I carry something to the table for you?”

“Yes, Tanyusha,” said Alexander bitingly, “can Vova carry something for you?”

“No, thank you. Can you give me a minute, please?”

“Come on,” said Vova to Alexander, who hadn’t moved. “You heard her. She wants a minute.”

“Yes,” said Alexander, without turning around. “A minute with me.”

Vova reluctantly left the room.

“Where are my things?”

“Shura, why are you leaving?”

“Why? There is no place for me here. You’ve made that abundantly clear. I can’t believe you haven’t packed for me, the way you feel. I don’t need to be told twice, Tania.”

Her lips were trembling. “Stay and have dinner with us.”

“No.”

“Please, Shura,” she said, her voice breaking. “I made you potato pancakes.” She took a step to him.

“No,” he said, blinking.

“You can’t leave. We haven’t finished.”

“Oh, we’ve finished.”

“What can I say to make it better?”

“You’ve said it all very clearly. Now good-bye would be good.”

The food table was between them. Tatiana came around on his side. “Shura,” she said quietly, “please let me touch you.”

“No.” He backed farther away.

Naira stuck her head through the open door. “Is dinner ready?”

“Almost, Naira Mikhailovna,” said Tatiana.

“I thought you weren’t going to leave until you fixed me?” she said faintly. “Fix me, Shura.”

“You told me yourself there isn’t enough of me to fix what’s wrong inside you. Well, you’ve made a believer out of me. Now, where are my things?”

“Shura—”

Coming closer to her, Alexander said through gritted teeth, “What do you want, Tania? You want a scene?”

“No,” she said, trying very hard not to cry.

His face was near her. “A loud, ugly scene like the kind you’re used to?”

“No,” she whispered, not looking at him.

“Just give me my things, and I’ll go quietly, and you won’t have to explain a single word to your friends and your lover.”

When she didn’t move, Alexander said, much louder, “Now!”

Embarrassed and upset, Tatiana led him outside to the shed behind the house, out of everyone’s view.

“Where are you going, Tanechka? Are we going to eat soo—”

“I’ll be right back!” Tatiana yelled, her shoulders shaking. When they were behind the house, Tatiana tried to take hold of Alexander’s hand, but he roughly ripped his arm away from her. She staggered but did not back off. Coming in front of him quickly, she wrapped her arms around his waist. He tried to push her away. “Please don’t go,” she said, looking up at him with pleading eyes. “Please. I beg you. I don’t want you to go. I waited for you every minute of every day since I left the hospital. Please.” She put her forehead on his chest.

Alexander didn’t say anything. Tatiana didn’t look up. His hands remained on her bare arms.

Holding him tightly, Tatiana said, “God, Alexander! How can you be so thick? Can’t you see why I didn’t write you?”

“Not at all. Why?”

She inhaled his smell, her face still in his chest. “I was so afraid that if I told you about Dasha, you wouldn’t come to Lazarevo at all.” She wished she were braver and could look at him, but she didn’t want to see him be angry with her anymore. Taking his hand, she placed it on her cheek, and when his warmth gave her strength, she looked up at him. “Leningrad nearly finished us all off. I thought that maybe if you didn’t know about her and came anyway, and I got healthy again, like last summer, maybe your feeling for me would come back—”

“Come back?” Alexander said hoarsely. “What are you thinking?” His hand remained on her cheek. His other hand, though, wrapped itself on her bare back, his fingers fanning her, grasping her, and moving on her flesh, pressing him to her. “Can’t you see . . .” he said and broke off. He couldn’t say any more. She felt it. And he didn’t need to. She felt that, too.

At last Alexander spoke. “Tatia, I will earn your forgiveness. I will fix everything. I will do right by you, but you have to let me. You can’t shut me out like this — you just can’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Tatiana said. “Please understand.” She hugged him tighter. “Just too many lies for me, too much doubt.”

“Look at me.”

She lifted her eyes to him.

His arms around her, Alexander said, “Tania, what doubt? I am here only for you.”

“Then please stay,” she said. “Stay for me.”

Breathing hard, Alexander bent his head to her, and she gave him her wet hair to kiss. His lips stayed on her for a few moments, and then he said, “What is this, Lake Ladoga?”

“Shura,” Tatiana said, “there is a houseful of people.”

His fingertips were pressing into her bare shoulder blades so emphatically they were making her feeble.

“Lift your face to me this instant.”

She lifted her face to him that instant.

“Tania, could we eat, please?” Naira’s loud voice from the porch was hungry and irritated. “Everything is burning!”

Alexander kissed her so fiercely that for a moment Tatiana became supported only by his arms around her. Her numb legs could not hold her up.

“What is she doing out there? We’re all starving. Tatiana!”

They heaved themselves away from each other, Tatiana didn’t know how, retrieved his things from the shed, and went inside.

Tatiana poured soup for Alexander first, placing the bowl right in front of him and handing him the spoon. Then she served everyone else while Alexander waited for her to sit down before he took his first bite.

“So, Alexander,” said Vova, “what does a captain in the Red Army do?”

“Well, I don’t know what a captain in the Red Army does. I know what I do.”

“Alexander, do you need some more fish?” Tatiana asked.

“Yes, please.”

“What do you do?” asked Vova.

“Yes, tell us, Alexander,” said Axinya. “The village is dying to know.”

“I’m in heavy weapons, in a destroyer brigade. Do you know what that is?”

Everybody but Tatiana shook their heads.

“I command an armored company of men. We provide extra support for the rifle guards.” Alexander swallowed his soup. “At least, we’re supposed to.”

“What’s extra support?” asked Vova. “Tanks?”

“Tanks, yes. Armored cars. Tania, are there more pancakes? We also operate antiaircraft machine guns called Zeniths, and mortars, and other field artillery. Cannons, howitzers, heavy machine guns. I myself stand behind a Katyusha, a rocket launcher.”

“Impressive,” said Vova. “So it’s the best job. Less dangerous than the rifle frontovik?”

“More dangerous than anything. Who do you think the Germans are trying to knock out of position first — a guy with a slow, bolt-action Nagant or me with a mortar that pummels them with fifteen bombs a minute?”