He felt punched in the gut when he watched her skip stark naked out of the cabin in the morning, and throw herself squealing into the river, and then get out and head across the clearing to him, sitting on his stump of a heart. Watching her nipples hard from the cold, her flawless body trembling to be held by him, Alexander gritted his teeth and smiled and thanked God that when he pressed her to him, she could not see his contorted face.

Alexander smoked and watched her from his tree stump bench.

What are you doing? she would ask him.

Nothing, he would reply. Nothing but growing my pain into madness.

His temper flared up constantly.

It irritated him to no end seeing her fetch and carry for other people. Tatiana, seeing his displeasure, would only sublimate herself further to him, fetching and carrying for him until he couldn’t breathe. “What can I get you? What else can I get you? What do you need?” came out of her mouth with heartbeat regularity.

He would say, no, I don’t need anything. And she would come, carrying his cigarette, put it in his mouth, light it, and kiss the corner of his lip, her loving eyes centimeters away from his tortured ones. Alexander wanted to say, stop, back away. What will happen to you after I’m gone and you’re left without me? What will be left of you after I’m gone when you have given me everything?

Alexander knew that Tatiana didn’t know how to give to him any other way. She had one way — and that’s what he got. Her devotion to him was indelible; her inability to hide her true self was the reason he fell in love with her in the first place. Soon she would have to learn, Alexander thought, as he swung his ax and crashed it down hundreds of times a day. Learn how to hide him even from her true self.

Alexander grew upset with her over the pettiest things. Her constant cheeriness vexed him constantly. She was always singing and bouncing around with a little spring in her step. He didn’t understand how she could be so carefree when she knew he was leaving in fifteen days, ten days, five days, three days.

He grew bitterly jealous of her; even he was surprised at himself. He could not stand to see anyone looking at her. He could not stand to see her smiling at anyone. He could not stand to see her talking to Vova, much less serving him. He lost his temper with heartbeat regularity, but he couldn’t stay upset with her for five minutes. The arsenal Tatiana carried to ease Alexander out of his bottomless hole had too many weapons.

Alexander could never get close enough to her. Not when they walked, not when they ate, not when they slept, not when they made love. His feelings teetering between intense tenderness and unrestrained lust, he needed her many times a day. His body would begin to physically ache when he remained without her while she went to her sewing circle or to help the old women. Tatiana’s shy eagerness, her engulfing sweetness, her unconcealed vulnerability tore at Alexander’s heart. All he hungered for was to feel her velvet flesh surround him as she cried out, whispering, Oh, Shura.

He grew unable to bear coming on top of her and watching her face and seeing her watch his. To finish, he would repeatedly have to turn her over, because when he was behind her, she could not see him.

It was all about making him feel better about leaving her.

To leave her was unthinkable.

The question Alexander had asked himself many times, he had started to forget the answer to.

At what price Tatiana?

In the beginning the answer was clear.

Tatiana was the answer.

But this wasn’t the beginning anymore. This was the end.

She had gone to the fish plant, having heard there might be herring, while Alexander remained at the clearing, walking around numbly waiting for her to come back. He went to the house and was looking in her trunk for something to hold when he found something at the very bottom, almost as if that something had been hidden. The trunk had belonged to Tatiana’s grandfather, so Alexander didn’t give it much thought at first, but when he removed the top layer of sheets and clothes and some papers and three books, he pulled out a black canvas backpack. Immediately curious, he opened it. Inside he found his old P-38 pistol, bottles of vodka, winter boots, cans of tushonka, dried crackers, a flask, and rubles. There were warm clothes, too, all dark-colored.

Alexander smoked ten unhappy cigarettes waiting for her to return.

He heard Tatiana before he saw her. She was humming the waltz tune he had sung for her. “Shura!” she called out to him joyfully. “You won’t believe it. Herring! Real herring. We’re going to have a feast tonight.”

She skipped to him and lifted her arms up to his neck. Breaking in two, Alexander kissed her, thinking that her face felt a bit wet, and then showed her the backpack. “What’s this?”

She stared at it. “What?”

“This? What’s this?”

“Are you going through my things? Come and help me with the herring.”

“I’m not touching the herring until you tell me what this is.”

“Whether or not I tell you, we still have to eat. It’ll take me thirty—”

“Tatiana!”

She sighed loudly. “It’s a pack for me.”

“For what? Are you planning to go camping?”

“No . . .” She put the herring down and sat on the bench.

Alexander pulled out the drab, all-brown clothing and a brown hat. “Why so attractive?” He saw how she tensed.

“Just to make myself more inconspicuous.”

“More inconspicuous? You’d better hide those take-me lips of yours then. Where are you going?”

“What’s gotten into you?” she asked.

Alexander raised his voice. “Where are you going, Tania?”

“I just want to be ready for anything.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know,” she said, lowering her gaze. “To go with you.”

“Go with me where?” he gasped.

“Anywhere.” She turned her eyes up. “Anywhere you go,” Tatiana said, “I will go with you.”

Alexander tried to speak but couldn’t; he found himself without words. “But, Tania . . . I’m going back to the front.”

She was looking down at the ground. “Are you, Alexander?” she asked quietly without looking up.

“Of course. Where else would I be going?”

Her eyes stared at him with profound emotion. “You tell me.”

Blinking and stepping away from her, as if being too close to her left him unprotected, Alexander said, still holding her backpack, “Tania, I’m going back to the front. Colonel Stepanov gave me extra time to come here. I gave him my word I would return.”

“And that’s one thing about you Americans,” she said, “you always keep your word.”

“Yes, that’s one thing about us,” Alexander said bitterly. “It’s no use talking about it. You know I have to go back.”

Shivering, Tatiana raised her seaweed eyes to him and in a small voice said, “Then I’ll go back with you. I’ll go back to Leningrad.” She must have taken his speechlessness to mean he was relieved, and continued, “I thought if you were back at the barracks—”

“Tatiana!” he shouted, aghast. “Are you joking? Are you fucking joking?”

Alexander was so upset that he had to walk away into the woods for a few minutes until reason got hold of him again. When he came back, she was cleaning the herring. Typical. He was mortified, she was cleaning herring. He walked up to her and knocked the fish hard out of her hands.

“Ouch!” she yelled. “Stop! What’s the matter with you?”

Alexander went back into the woods to calm down and watched her pick up the herring, wash the sand and dirt off it, and proceed to clean it again.

Returning, he took the damned herring, put it down on the paper on the ground, stood Tatiana up in front of him, and took her by the shoulders. “Look at me, Tania. I’m trying to stay calm, all right? Do you see what an effort it is?” He paused. “What the hell are you thinking? You are not coming back with me.”

She shook her head, but the soft words that came out of her were “I am.”

“No!” Alexander said. “You’re absolutely not. Not while there is breath in my body. You’ll have to kill me to come with me. Forget it. I will come and see you on my next furlough.”

“No,” she said. “You will never come back. You will die out there without me. I can feel it. I’m not staying here.”

“Tania, who will let you go back? I won’t. Did you forget that Leningrad is under full blockade? You can’t get back into Leningrad. We’re still getting people out! Have you forgotten? Have you forgotten what Leningrad was? I can’t imagine you have, because it was only six months ago, and you still wake up in the middle of the night. Leningrad is a city under siege. Leningrad is still bombed every single fucking day. There is no life in Leningrad. It’s very dangerous, and you are not going back there.” He was panting.

“Well, if you have another idea, let me know. I have to clean this herring.”

Alexander picked up the herring and was going to throw the whole damn thing into the Kama, but Tatiana grabbed his arm, and said, “No! It’s our dinner, and the old women are looking forward to it.”

“You are not coming with me. And I’m done talking about it.” Turning her backpack upside down, he threw all of her supplies onto the ground.

Tatiana watched him calmly and then said, “And who’s going to pick all that up?”

Without a word, Alexander picked up the clothes and shredded them into pieces with his army knife.

Her eyes set yet frightened, Tatiana watched him from the bench. “Oh, this is calm?” she said. “Shura, I can make myself new clothes.”

Cursing, Alexander clenched his fist and bent down to her. “God, are you deliberately trying to provoke me?”

Picking up the backpack, he was about to rip it to shreds when Tatiana grabbed his arm and the knife, her hand right on the blade, and said, “No. No. Please.” She hung on to him, wrestling for the knife, pulling on the backpack. She was no match for him, and Alexander was about to shove her away, but what stopped him was that she still continued to struggle knowing she was outmatched. To stop her, Alexander would have had to hurt her. He let her have the knife and the backpack.

Out of breath, she went to clean the herring. With his knife.

Over at Naira’s for dinner, Alexander didn’t talk much; he was too upset. When Tatiana asked him if he wanted some more blueberry pie, he snapped at her, “I said no!” and saw the reproach in her eyes. He wanted to apologize but couldn’t.

They didn’t speak as they walked through the woods, but at home, as they undressed and got into bed, Tatiana said, “You’re not still angry, are you?”

“No!” Alexander said. He left his shorts on as he got under the covers and turned away from her.

“Shura?” She stroked his back and kissed his head. “Shura.”

“I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.”

He didn’t want her to stop touching him, and she, of course, didn’t.

What was wrong with her?

“Come on,” Tatiana whispered. “Come on, big man. Feel, I’m naked. Do you feel?”

He felt. Turning onto his back without meeting her eyes, Alexander said, “Tatiana, I want you to promise me you will stay right here where it’s safe for you.”

“You know I can’t stay here,” she said quietly. “I can’t be without you.”

“Of course you can, and you will. Just like before.”

“There is no before.”

“Stop. You don’t understand anything.”

“Then tell me everything.”

Alexander didn’t reply.

“Tell me,” she pleaded, her small, warm hand on his arms, on his stomach, moving lower.

Pushing it away, he said, “We have only three days left. I’m not ruining them this way.”

“No, but you’re willing to ruin them with your sulkiness and bad behavior.” Her forgiving hand returned to caressing him.

Pushing her hand away again, Alexander said, suddenly understanding, “Oh, so that’s why you’ve been so damn chipper, as if you couldn’t care less I was leaving? Because you thought you were coming with me?”

She pressed her body softly against his side, kissing his arm. “Shura,” Tatiana whispered, “how do you think I’ve been able to live out these days with you? I couldn’t continue if I thought you were leaving me. Husband,” she said, her voice like a black pit, “everything I have I gave to you. If you leave, you’re going to take it all.”

Alexander had to get off the bed before he lost his mind. He jumped down to stand on the floor. “Well, you’d better get more from somewhere, Tania!” he exclaimed. “Because I am leaving, and I’m leaving without you.”