Jennifer Probst - Searching for Someday

He growled under his breath. “You’re fine the way you are. That asshole is the one with a problem.”

A watery smile curved her lips. “Thanks, big brother. I’m so sorry I dragged you out of bed this early. I got too used to calling you when I’m in trouble. Hard habit to break, I guess.”

“That’s what I’m here for, Jane. To take care of you. Listen, I’ve got this whole thing figured out. You can move back in with me and get back on your feet. I’ll get your money back from Kinnections and you start with a clean slate. Hell, I bet your old job will beg you to come back.”

Jane frowned. “What are you talking about? I’m not moving back with you.”

He leaned forward and rested his hands on his knees. “Just for a bit, not permanently. Hell, I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t we go away for a mini vacation? Clear your head a bit. I’ll have the movers take care of your apartment, and we’ll pretend the whole thing never happened.”

Her eyes widened like she was staring at a troll rather than at her brother. “Are you crazy? I love my job, and I love Verily. I don’t need a vacation.”

He tried to speak gently. “You shouldn’t be alone right now. Not after what he did to you.”

She shook her head hard. “No, Slade, I think you misunderstood. Yeah, I’m pissed and upset that Brian ended up being a jerk. I didn’t see it coming. But I’ll be fine. That’s what women do. Bitch, cry, eat ice cream, get drunk. The girls at Kinnections showed me I can be normal, let my emotions run free, and still be okay. I’m not having a breakdown, and I’m sure I’ll get right back in the dating scene once I get over this.”

He gritted his teeth and tried not to lose his temper. What were they selling over there at Kinnections? Didn’t they realize she was fragile? When her relationships ended, she plunged into a black hole of blame, thinking she’d never be enough. He’d learned to avoid the minefields by protecting her, but after the suicide attempt, he never allowed her to stray too far. Yes, she’d finished years of therapy and declared her independence, but what if she was at the tipping point and he failed her? “I’m glad you’re being reasonable about this, I really am. But I think it would be better if you stay with me for a little while.”

Her tears dried and her chin lifted. Uh-oh. That tone snapped into place and suddenly she didn’t seem fragile at all. “I’m not going anywhere. God, this is my fault. I should’ve never called you.”

Slade flinched. “No, I’m glad you called me. I want to be there for you.”

“Listen, love sucks sometimes. Doesn’t mean I don’t believe it won’t eventually work in the end. I’ll always regret putting you through an emotional roller coaster, and I know you want to protect me. But I don’t need your help anymore. I can handle this on my own now.”

He studied her for a long while. He’d taught himself she was like delicate china, yet . . . she didn’t seem that breakable. Not like before. Was it possible her strength was greater than he realized? That somehow, along the way, she’d blossomed into a full woman who could handle life’s curveballs on her own? “I don’t want to let you down again,” he whispered.

Jane blinked back tears. “God, Slade, are you kidding me? You’re the only one who never let me down. The reason I can believe in love, that I believe in myself, is because of you. You taught me that. I watched you through your divorce, through Mom’s and Dad’s deaths, through years of counseling brokenhearted couples in your career. You never lost your heart. You’re a caretaker, and now I’m ready to take the reins. Do you understand? You’re the one who saved me.”

Her words reached deep and broke open a mass of emotions he’d pushed down for years. The truth stunned him, the idea she could actually believe in him, that somehow along the way, he’d done something right and good. His throat tightened and it was a while before he could speak. “Thank you.”

She smiled at him, her face open and lit and beautiful. “You’re welcome. Now, as the best-friend cliché you’ve now become, would you run out and get us bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches? They have this great deli right down the block. Oh, and hash browns!”

Slade chuckled. “Done. I’ll scoop up a few of those awesome doughnuts while I’m there, too.”

“Great, you probably haven’t eaten. Hey, how did you get here so quickly? It took you under ten minutes. Where were you?”

The image of Kate naked and sprawled on top of him, taking him deep within her body, flashed before him. “Umm, stopped by to see Kate about something.”

A tiny frown creased her brow. “This early?”

“Yep. I’ll get going.”

“Stop right there, buddy.” Jane crossed her arms and studied him with the scary teacher look that made him shake. “Holy crap. You’re sleeping with her!”

He clenched his jaw. “Was. Not anymore.”

“Oh my God, I didn’t see this coming. But in a weird way, you’re perfect for one another.”

Slade gave a bitter laugh. “Hardly. I don’t think they can create two people who are so completely different. Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Did Kate say anything about having a special gift? When she set you up with Brian, did she, uh, touch you or say she felt a spark between you two?”

Jane shook her head. “Nope. I never heard anything like that. They use a pretty scientific approach. On paper and from a few conversations, Brian seemed perfect. But they warned me ahead of time that it’s a journey that could take some time. And I’m okay with that.”

“Good. I’ll be back with the sandwiches.”

He headed out the door and wondered if he had made a huge mistake. Blaming Kate for his sister hadn’t been right. They were both right: there were no guarantees. Kinnections did nothing wrong except believe in something his sister did, and he had no right to blame Kate or hold her responsible for what happened.

His head throbbed when he thought of the way he’d left. Two for two in the dickhead department. But it had just been too much for him to handle. First, her mother, then a magical power, then Jane. And where did that leave them?

Slade didn’t know. And for the first time in his life, he didn’t know what to do about it.

LET ME GET this straight. You sleep with him. Break it off in the morning. Decide to go your separate ways and set him up with another date. Then he shows up at your doorstep right after said date, and you sleep together for the second time. Then break up in the morning. Again. Do I have it right?”

Kate lowered her forehead to the cool granite and groaned. Sunday morning and twenty-four hours since the episode. She hadn’t slept or changed out of her ratty pjs. And a shower was definitely on the agenda. “Yep, that about covers it.”

Gen shoved the last of the crumb cake in her mouth and chewed. “It’s official. You’ve lost your mind along with your virginity.”

“I know. He freaked out when he found out about the touch/curse. Didn’t believe me, which I can’t blame him for, but still. Now he thinks I screwed up Jane’s life and I’m a criminal. I’ve been afraid to call her because he was so upset.”

Gen tapped her finger against her mug of coffee. “Let him calm down—seems he’s the overprotective sort. Give it a few days to settle, then call Jane if she hasn’t reached out.”

“I don’t understand, she was doing so well. He acted like she was going off the deep end. I knew they should’ve slowed down. Why didn’t I make them listen?”

“Can only lead the couples to the water, girlfriend. Can’t make ’em drink.”

“I guess. I’m sorry, I’m always babbling about my problems and you’re newly engaged. I frickin’ adore the ring! Are you excited?”

The three-carat, princess-cut diamond sparkled in the morning light, but Gen’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. Maybe they were too tired. “Sure. I’ve been working nonstop and fielding questions about the wedding. It’s a bit overwhelming.”

“I can imagine.” Gen avoided her gaze, concentrating on her cake, and once again Kate felt that twinge of foreboding slither down her spine. “He’s good to you, right? I mean, you do want to marry him, right? Because if he’s rushing you or it’s too soon, you need to stand your ground.”

“No, this is the right thing. He’s perfect for me, and so sweet. Loves to spoil me rotten yet pushes me to be better. I’ll never find another guy like him.”

All the right words, yet . . . Kate still felt she was missing something. There were shadows lurking in her best friend’s eyes she’d never glimpsed before. Gen grabbed the napkin, slugged a last sip of coffee, and slid off the chair. “Sorry, I gotta run back to the hospital. Listen, Kate, I know this whole thing is confusing, but I’m going to tell you one thing: I’ve never seen you look so happy before.”

“This is happy?”

Her friend laughed. “You glow when you speak his name. You gave him your virginity and actually experienced the touch for the first time. He’s special. I know there seem to be obstacles, and he says he doesn’t believe in love, but have you given him a real chance? A fighting chance?”

Kate frowned. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Gen’s beeper went off like a fire alarm and she stiffened. “That’s David. I’m being paged. We’ll talk later, hang in. Thanks for the coffee.”

She shot out the door. Robert barely moved his head, used to the quick comings and goings of her friend. Kate thought about her words and cleaned up the kitchen. Odd. Slade already knew she had deep feelings for him, though she kept trying to fight them back and bury them deep. No sense in sharing when there would be no reciprocation or interest in moving forward. Maybe she’d curl up on the recliner and spend the afternoon doing nothing but watching movies and reading books. Paperwork could wait. Gym could be delayed. Nothing seemed that important.

The door slammed open. Kate looked up, startled, and frowned when her mother shot through. “Are you okay?” she asked, moving forward. “You’ve never come to see me twice in one weekend.”

Madeline crossed the room and clasped Kate’s upper arms. Her blue eyes were wide and full of fear. “I had a dream.”

Kate fought a smile. “Did you watch the planet get swallowed up by plastic bags and diapers again? People are recycling more, Mom, don’t worry.”

“No, silly girl, about you. I dreamt you denied the touch with Slade and your entire life was ruined. One bad choice and you never recovered. What happened after I left?”

Unease shot through her. Great, she’d be the cat lady and she’d always been more of a dog person. Kate sighed. “I don’t want you to worry. Slade isn’t meant for me. Simply put, he doesn’t believe in love, marriage, or forever. He believes in oxytocin.”

Her mother shook her slightly with impatience. “I don’t care what he says he believes. I want to know about you and your actions. Have you told him you love him? That you want to fight for him? That you believe enough for the both of you?”

Panic flared. She broke the grip and stepped back, needing the distance. “Don’t be ridiculous, of course not. Women don’t do those things today. Besides, I’m sure it’s for the best.”

Her heart shattered and screamed her a liar. Her body ached and punished her. And her mother let out a shriek of frustration Kate had never heard before. Madeline was a river, she flowed and melted, becoming one with every challenge in life and rarely fought against the tide. The woman before her quaked, her aura vibrating so wildly Kate would’ve shoved a joint in her hands if she had one. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

“What’s happened to you?” Madeline whispered. “When did you stop believing in yourself? In your gift? In what you deserve?”

Emotion choked her. She couldn’t handle this; it was too close to home. “I tried. He knows I care about him, and he’s been honest about what he can and can’t handle. He thinks I’ve screwed up his sister and that I’m a liar. And as for my gift? I didn’t want to tell you, but it’s gone. And I don’t think it’s coming back. I need you to drop this.”

“No. You’re going to listen to me, darling, and don’t interrupt. Now, sit.” Her mother pointed to the chair. Kate trudged over, sat down, and waited. She’d learned long ago not to argue when her mother wanted to have an open discussion. “It’s time to stop running, Kate. You say you lost your gift. When did this happen?”

“After I discovered Slade and I connected. That was the last time I felt anything. I’ve been numb, even around couples who are married and have a connection, I get nothing.”