I saw her once from my window. She was in the garden. Aubrey came into view and they were both laughing. Suddenly she gave him a little push and started to run off in the direction of the little wood; he followed her. It did not need much imagination to draw conclusions from that encounter.

The man whom I had seen once and so distressingly that night was never really far from the surface, I was sure. I wondered what he remembered of that night. I did not believe that he had been entirely unaware of it. He had tested me and found me unresponsive to bestiality, not love. Our relationship had changed from that night. I had shown him that I should never be the partner who would join in his depravities.

At this time I toyed with the idea of leaving the Minster. I could live with my father. In fact I did pay him another and more lengthy visit. Then I went to stay with Amelia for a while. My suspicions regarding her and Jack St. Clare seemed to have some foundation. They were neither of them in their first youth; both had been married before; but if ever I saw a steady, though leisurely courtship, I believed I saw it there.

I was happy for Amelia. She was still young enough to bear children, and there was a glow about her which I had not noticed before.

When I returned to the Minster, the peace I had enjoyed in London and in Somerset seemed very desirable. I thought I must go to my father.

He would welcome Julian and me. He loved his grandson and either Jane or Polly would be better nursery maids than Nanny Benson or Louie Lee.

I could leave Aubrey to his nursery girl.

But one did not walk out of marriage lightly. There was too much to consider. I wanted nothing from Aubrey, but there was Julian.

He was heir to this fine estate; for it followed that in due course the Minster must be his. I owed it to him that he should be brought up there. I could not lightly take him away from his home and his inheritance.

After my visits I would feel more than ever withdrawn from Aubrey.

There was no love between us now. I would lock myself in my bedroom with my baby; but there was no need to; he made no attempt to come to me.

I had suspected for some time that he had several mistresses and was rather glad of it. I did not want him with me.

Then one day I made a discovery.

I had long been aware of strange happenings in the house. Aubrey had taken to giving house parties which lasted from Friday afternoon until Sunday or Monday. I would receive the guests and arrange the meals. We used to dine at eight and by ten they would all have retired to their rooms, which seemed rather strange for they were by no means old people.

I was glad they did. I had no desire to sit up with them. I would retire to my room where Julian would be sleeping in his little bed; and on these occasions during the short time I was with Aubrey’s guests, I always asked Mrs. Pollack to look in at the child at intervals, so that we could be assured that he was all right a duty which she was very happy to perform.

They were almost always the same set of people who came, although occasionally there were newcomers. I had grown accustomed to them and they did not bother me very much. They would make polite conversation about the house or the weather and ask perfunctory questions about Julian; but they gave me the impression that their thoughts were far away from the subjects of which they spoke.

One night when I could not sleep, I thought I heard people prowling about below and I went to my window and looked out. There were several people emerging from the little wood and coming towards the house. I drew back hastily. They were our guests.

I looked at the time. It was four o’clock.

I was very puzzled. Then I saw Aubrey among them. I could not imagine what they had been doing. I went to my door and listened.

I heard footsteps on the stairs then silence. They were all sleeping in a different wing of the house and they had all gone to their rooms.

There was no moon that night and as it was cloudy it had been difficult to see them clearly.

I went to Julian’s cot and looked at him; he was sleeping soundly. So I got into my own bed and lay there for a long time thinking about what I had seen.

It must have been five o’clock before I slept and then fitfully. I awoke just after six and the first thing I thought of was what I had seen the previous night.

Then Julian was clamouring to come into my bed, which he did every morning. I sang to him, as I did at the beginning of every day old songs and ballads and hymns which he loved with a repeat performance of his favourite Cherry Ripe. But that morning my heart was not in the singing.

Then I remembered that they had emerged from the little wood and there had been a day when I had gone through that wood and had come upon a mysterious door. I don’t know what made me think of that except that I had to find an explanation of where they had all been.

They slept late those weekends and often did not rise till luncheon-time. I had heard from the kitchen that they did not want to have breakfast.

The morning seemed a good time to test the notion that the mysterious door might have something to do with Aubrey’s guests’ nocturnal wanderings.

I told Mrs. Pollack that I was going for a little walk. Julian was having a short nap which he took in the mornings. I asked her if she would look in and make sure he was all right while I was out.

Then I left the house. I went through the wood and came to the slight incline. I scrambled down, dislodging the creeper as I went.

There was the door.

Something like a warning came to me. I just had the feeling that I was in an evil place. I pushed the door and my heart leaped, because it was open. I stepped inside.

The thought immediately occurred to me that the door could swing back, shutting me in, and that I should be unable to escape. I came out at once into the open air. I looked for a large stone; I found one and propped it against the door so that it could not shut. Then, my heart beating violently, I stepped into what appeared to be a cave.

The floor was stone-flagged and as I advanced I was aware of an odour which I did not recognize. It pervaded the air and sickened me a little.

I saw that there were candles everywhere some of them had burned out. I knew that they had been recently lighted and that confirmed my suspicions that it was to this place that those people had come.

The cave opened into a square room. There was a table which looked like an altar and I almost cried out in terror, for on it was a large figure life-sized, and for one horrified moment I had thought that someone was sitting there.

The figure on the altar seemed to leer at me. It was evil. I saw then that it was meant to represent the Devil the horns, the cloven feet were evidence of that; the red eyes seemed to be fixed on me.

There were drawings on the walls. I looked at them. At first they were incomprehensible men and women in coupling groups in strange positions and then the significance of this was brought home to me.

Now I had one desire and that was to get out of this place as quickly as I could. I ran. I kicked the stone away from the door and shut it behind me. I ran through the wood as though pursued by the Devil and I really felt that I had come face to face with him.

My thoughts were in a turmoil. What had I stumbled on?

Mrs. Pollack greeted me.

“He’s still sleeping. I’ve looked in on him twice. Are you all right, Mrs. St. Clare?”

“Yes … thank you, Mrs. Pollack. I’ll just go up. I don’t want him to sleep too long, or he won’t get his rest tonight. “

I went up to my room.

What did it mean? I had to know.

I don’t know how I got through that day, but I was aware of what I had to do. I had to find out exactly what happened in that cave. This was my home . the home of my child. If what I feared was going on was true, I should have to take some action.

That evening I settled Julian in his bed and sat by the window. How silent the house was!

It was about fifteen minutes to midnight when I heard the first sound.

I thought: This is why Aubrey gave orders that the guests were to be in the east wing. That is well away from the rest of the house and their comings and goings would not be heard.

I watched them emerge from the house. It was a dark night but I could make out the figures as they moved towards the wood. I sat there after they had disappeared, bracing myself. I was trembling, but I knew I had to be sure. I had to do this.

Images crept into my mind; I had heard whispers of strange sects when I was in India. There were rituals and secret meetings . there was worshipping of strange gods.

I thought of that figure of Satan on what could only have been a mock altar.

Don’t go, said a voice within me. Go to London tomorrow. Take Julian with you. Say that you cannot live another day under this roof.

I could not do that. But I must have evidence of what was going on. I must see with my own eyes.

I put on my boots and a big cloak over my night things and crept downstairs. Out through the woods I went to what I had begun to think of as the unholy temple.

The door was shut.

I pushed it open and went in.

The sight which met my eyes was so shocking that although I had been half prepared, I almost turned and fled. Candles were burning, many of them. There was a haze in the air. I saw people reclining on mats on the floor surrounding the hideous figure on the altar. Most of them were semi-nude or completely so. They were in groups of threes and fours and I turned my eyes from them because I did not want to see what was happening.

I saw Aubrey then and he saw me. He looked strange, wild-eyed, sneering at me. He lunged towards me and said in a slurred voice: “I believe it is my little wife … no, no, no, my big wife … Come to join us, Susanna?”

I turned and fled.

Although I knew he had not followed me, I ran through the woods, scratching my hands on the tree-trunks, panic-stricken because the bracken caught at my clothes and I had a terrible fear it was attempting to hold me until someone came to catch me and carry me back to that scene of depravity.

I stumbled into the house and went up to my room, locking myself in. I threw myself on the bed, feeling sick; and for some minutes I lay there.

Then I rose and went to look at Julian. He was sleeping peacefully.

I thought: I will go to my father. I will tell him everything. I must take Julian away. He must not live here, where all this is going on.

I was making plans feverishly to get away . quickly.

That was the only thought which could give me any peace.

My father would help me. I thanked God for him. I was not alone. I would make my home with him. I could never see Aubrey again without thinking of him in that evil place.

Perhaps I had suspected something of this. Perhaps deep down in my mind I had, ever since that night. Yet he had been such a charming lover . in the beginning. I could not forget those weeks in Venice.

His was indeed a dual personality. Something told me that the charming man was there . but being stifled by the man whose mind and body was being poisoned by the drugs he took.

So many thoughts turned themselves over in my mind. I had a conviction that the mysterious Dr. Damien had started him on this terrible road, that wicked man wanted to see the effect drugs could have on people, so that he could learn about them. He pursued knowledge with ruthlessness and did not care how many people he ruined on the way . as he had ruined Aubrey.

Amelia had hinted that I must be wary of him. I would, if ever he came here. But I should not be here . I should be with my father.

The night was over at last. There was Julian demanding his songs, including Cherry Ripe. I must have given a very poor performance on that morning.

I started getting a few things together. I would tell Aubrey what I intended to do and ask him not to attempt to get into touch with me.

Not that I feared he would. I had seen contempt and hatred in his eyes when I confronted him. He must feel ashamed as I was sure he did in his sane moments.

It was late in the morning when he came to me. I had packed a few necessities and planned to leave on the afternoon train. That was at four o’clock.

For a moment we just stood looking at each other. Then I saw his lips curl and my heart sank. He was in a truculent mood and that cold dislike in his eyes which always alarmed me, was apparent.