“Well,” he said, ‘what have you to say? “

“I am leaving.”

He raised his eyebrows.

“Is that all?”

“It is enough.”

“You were not very polite. Bursting in like that… uninvited … and then making off without a word.”

“What words did you expect me to say?”

“Being you … so calm, so restrained … none, of course. Why don’t you throw aside your inhibitions? Why don’t you join us? I can promise you excitement … such as you have never dreamed of.”

“You must be mad.”

“It’s the most thrilling thing I ever knew.”

“You are under the influence of drugs. You are not normal. I would rather not discuss that. I am leaving this afternoon.”

“But want to discuss it. Do you know, when I married you I thought you were a woman of spirit … I didn’t think you would be so afraid of life.”p>

“I am not afraid.”

“Oh yes you are. You are conventional, straitlaced, a prude. I knew my mistake very soon after I married you. I was going to make you enjoy what I enjoyed. I thought it would be interesting to watch you change. But I soon discovered that you could never throw off all the shibboleths of your upbringing.” He laughed wildly.

“There were times during those few weeks in Venice when I thought I might join you … become what you believed I was. I must have been crazy. I suppose I was really in love with you … then. But I need excitement. I couldn’t live … conventionally … not since I knew what could be had …”

I said: “Well, now we understand each other perfectly. We have both made the worst mistake two people can make. Still, even that is not irrevocable. You take opium … smoke it or take it in some other form. What does it matter how? Perhaps there are other pernicious drugs too. I know of your affair with the nursery maid. I know of what goes on in that appalling place and I want to put myself as far from all that as I possibly can.”

“If you were the virtuous woman you make yourself out to be, you would obey your husband. That is a wife’s first duty.”

“In such circumstances? I do not think so. My duty is to get away from this place and take my child with me.”

He looked at me sardonically.

“Oh Susanna,” he said, “I admire you in a way. So confident… so big. If you had only been prepared to make a little experiment …”

“Experiment? Do you mean become like you and your depraved friends?”

He said: “I wonder …” His face softened a little and I think he was recalling those first weeks in Venice. I realize now that he had not been pretending then; he had genuinely shared my delight in them. I have grown older now and I understand what I did not at that time, that one cannot divide people neatly into categories the good and the bad. The worst have good impulses sometimes; and the better ones act unworthily. But I was young; I was headstrong; and I was frightened. I was a mother whose first thought was for her child; and I saw Aubrey as a weak man who had formed dangerous, degrading habits and was ruining his life as well as ours because he had not the strength to fight against his obsession. I despised him.

Any love I had had for him had died. It had begun to on that night in Venice. Perhaps it had always been a frail thing. Perhaps that is how young people often are. They fall in love or think they are in love with the first attractive man who is interested in them. They want to be loved; it is a delightful adventure: marriage, children, they are the foundation of the ideal existence. I was seeing it all clearly now. My love for Aubrey had been superficial; if it had been stronger I should have wanted to stay and help him fight this terrible affliction.

No, I did not love Aubrey; but at least I had learned the true meaning of one kind of love when my child was born.

The moment passed.

“At least,” said Aubrey, ‘there is no longer need for secrecy. “

“That night,” I said, ‘that terrible night in Venice . “

He laughed.

“The night of revelation … when I realized I had married a prude a woman with fixed ideas, a woman steeped in conventionality, who would never come with me where I wanted to go. And you knew you had married a monster.”

“You were aware of everything,” I accused him.

“You pretended it was due to a blow on the head, that you had been attacked. You had been with the Freelings.”

“You are beginning to see a little daylight, aren’t you? Of course I wasn’t attacked. Seeing that man brought out of the canal gave me the idea. You found my purse, didn’t you? That was careless of me. It was imperceptive of you not to realize then.”

“You met the Freelings. You went into one of your sessions with them.

I understand all that clearly. You didn’t care about my anxiety, waiting at the palazzo imagining all sorts of horrors which might have befallen you. “

“One doesn’t think about anything at such times. You really should cast aside your inhibitions, you should try …”

I shook my head fiercely.

“And your devilish Dr. Damien was present most likely. He brought you home, didn’t he? That story about being in the hut and his rescuing you … False! All false! The Freelings had to leave India because of all this. My ayah tried to warn me. How I wish that she had never gone to the Freelings … and I had never met you.”

“I wonder how many disappointed wives have said that to their husbands, or vice versa come to that. You should have stayed last night. We would have initiated you into the mysteries and excitement of my Hell-Fire Club. What did you think of it? You stumbled across it before, didn’t you? You found the door but it was locked. Do you remember that day in the gallery when I told you about Harry St. Clare?

I sometimes think I’m Harry born again. I’m just like him. You like stories of the past, don’t you? You like to know the history of the house. Well, that temple under the hillock was built by Harry. I discovered it when I was a boy. There was a reference to it in some old document. I forced open the door. I had a new lock made for it when I was at the university. There was a circle of us there. Well, Sir Francis Dashwood built his temple at Medmenham. Harry saw no reason why he shouldn’t build his here. Just imagine . a hundred years ago Harry and his circle were doing more or less what we are doing here now. History repeating itself. Always interesting, don’t you think? You see, there is nothing new about all this. Perhaps we have advanced a little on the drugs. Harry had his, though. It’s exciting. When you are under the influence, there is nothing, simply nothing, you cannot do. I could tell you . “

“Please don’t. I have no desire to hear.” I looked at him intently. I said: “And what of Amelia’s baby?”

He stared at me.

“You said you met her in the town. Why? So that you could drive her back … and have a little upset… nothing to hurt the carriage much but to destroy her baby … or try to.”

He was silent. I saw a glimpse then of the Aubrey I had known in the beginning. There was a look of contrition in his eyes.

“I might have known,” I said.

“It happened,” he said quickly.

“These things happen. I had no intention …”

“Why did you go to meet her? They were to take the trap. You must have arranged it.”

“She lost her babies .. all of them… the least little thing.”

“So you decided to arrange … this little thing.”

“It happened, I tell you. It happened. Why bring it up? It’s over.”

“There is only one thing more for me to say,” I went on.

“I am leaving here this afternoon.”

“Where will you go?”

“To my father, of course.”

“I see. You, who adhere so fondly to convention, should not take such a daring action.”

“It is not convention but decency which I want to adhere to. I will not have my child brought up in a house like this.”

“So you propose to take my son away from his home?”

“Of course he will come with me.”

He shook his head slowly. All trace of his old self had disappeared. A smile played about his lips and it was not a pleasant one, and a terrible fear struck me. His next words confirmed that fear.

“You are inclined to think that I have played no part in producing that boy.

But that is not the case. Any court of law would tell you that. “

I stared at him in horror. He understood my feelings perfectly. He went on: “You could leave here, of course. But you could not take my son with you.”

My mouth was suddenly parched. The air was full of menace.

“Yes,” he went on.

“You may leave. Of course, the world does not look too kindly on the married woman who deserts her husband, though there arc some who take this unwise action. But you cannot take my son away with you.”

I cried out: “Why do you keep calling him your son? He is mine, too.”

“Ours,” he said.

“But I am his father. This is a man’s world, my dear Susanna. I am sure that fact has occurred to a strong-minded woman like you. If you went and took our son with you, I would soon have him back in his rightful place. The law would see to that.”

“You do not love him.”

“He is my son. This is his home. All this will be his one day. The house … the estate … even the temple. All his. He must be brought up in his own home. That is something I shall insist on.”

“You would not be so cruel as to take my child from me.”

I do not propose to separate you. All you have to do is to remain. I shall not ask you to leave, but if you do, the child stays here. “

I was stunned. I could see that he had defeated me.

He went on: “You have monopolized the child. You have taken him out of my care. He hardly knows his father.”

“Because his father has not had the time to spare for him, being so occupied with his drug-inspired orgies.”

“Who would believe that?”

“I do. I know it.”

“Your opinion would not count. If you want to go, if you want to create a scandal, if you want to bring disgrace on your father’s grey hairs, and on the father of your son, then you must do so. I cannot make you a prisoner here. But let me tell you this: if you attempt to take my son from his rightful home, I shall see that he is brought back here. The law would demand it and you would have to obey the law.”

“You forget what I know of you. Surely no court of law would want a child brought up in a home where these evil practices are carried on, where the father indulges in intrigues with the servants …”

“That is no uncommon practice, my dear. And it would have to be proved. I could make sure that it was not. If you are prepared to lose your son … then go ahead and do so. I shall put no obstacle in the way of your going. But a court might well commit you as insane, a poor woman who has fantasies. I would see to it.”

He turned and left me.

I knew that I was a prisoner in this house. I was held here by the one thing which could prevent my escape.

What he had said about the law was true. If I went away I should lose my son; and that was the one thing I could never do.

I was in a state of wretched uncertainty. I knew that Aubrey meant he would not let me take Julian away with me. It was not that he wanted the boy himself; but he did want a son and heir to be brought up on the estate. I also thought that he wanted his revenge on me.

I knew now that his feelings towards me were mixed, and in the force of his hatred for me were the grains of love. He had been in love with me; there had been something very special about those days in Venice; it was just that the drug habit was too strong for him; he wanted me to share everything with him, and because I would not, because I despised him for what he was doing, he hated me.

My great desire was to get away. I had thought it would be so simple just to walk out of the place with Julian. How I had miscalculated!

It was hard to live through the days. Julian seemed more precious to me than ever if that were possible. If we were separated he would be heartbroken, no less than I. There was one thing which was clear to me: I would endure anything rather than be separated from my child.

I should have liked to go and stay with my father, but I knew that after that scene between us, Aubrey would not allow me to take Julian with me. If I wanted to stay with Amelia who had frequently asked me to visit her I should have to leave Julian behind. It was clear to me that Aubrey would never allow me to take the boy from the Minster for fear I might not return with him.