Marie Adeline - Secret Shared

“The event was last-minute. Matilda needed a caterer.”

“I didn’t mean … of course you’re here. Thank God you were here. Way to give it to Pierre,” I said. Then it came, a cascade of tears. “I’m so sorry, Jesse. I am so sorry.”

“Hey, hey, hey. You don’t need to say sorry to me, Cass. You’ve never lied to me,” he said, pulling me in for a tight embrace while I briefly, quietly, cried into the front of his chef whites.

After I stopped shuddering, he handed me a cloth napkin that was dangling from his pocket.

“Here. Let’s get you the fuck out of here.”

And that’s what he did. He carefully walked me through the main hall; the party was loud, in full effect. It was as though no lives had been ruined, no love lost, no secrets revealed. Matilda was in conversation with a journalist, her eyes locking on me as I passed. She reached out a hand, excused herself and came to me.

“Cassie,” she said, gently tugging me by the forearm to speak directly into my ear. “It will be okay. I promise you.”

“No, it won’t, Matilda. I’ll call you tomorrow,” I said, my tone flat, my expression deadened.

She looked from me to Jesse. “Take good care of her.”

He nodded, his hand at my back, my own arms wrapped around my body like I was one big wound. Jesse held the door open for me and we were both hit with the first fall chill of the year. Silently, we walked down Royal to Saint Louis, where his truck was parked halfway up the block. My body, drained of all emotion, felt like flesh pressed against bone beneath a dress I couldn’t wait to rip off and burn. Will knew my secret and he didn’t want me anymore. I could hardly take the new job at the new restaurant named after me. How would we cope, him knowing what he knew, me feeling how I felt?

Jesse and I didn’t say a word to each other as he drove the narrow streets of the French Quarter, drunk tourists tumbling in front of our slow-moving truck. We crossed Esplanade and Elysian Fields, and pulled up next to the Spinster Hotel on the corner of Mandeville and Chartres, where the Delmonte sisters were still up, no doubt, watching and waiting for me to come home. Would they notice that the man dropping me off was different from the one with whom I had left? And indeed, what did this say about me? It said nothing, I decided. It said that I had accepted help when I needed it the most, and in doing so changed my life. I forged real bonds, including with men, and definitely with the one sitting next to me now, looking at me with soft eyes.

“Here you are. Want me to come up? Make you a cup of tea? Tuck you in? I promise that’s all I’ll do. I know where your head’s at.”

I wanted to say, Yeah, it’s where my heart is, with a very hurt man who left me feeling broken and dirty. A man I loved who I thought loved me, unconditionally. But I was wrong. Of course there were conditions. There are always conditions when it comes to men and women and love and sex. But if for Will to love me like he once did, I’d have to be like the old me, then Will could keep his love. I would never again go back to being that tiny, chaste, timid woman. Never.

I looked at Jesse’s face, his eyes mellow in the dark of the truck’s cab.

“Well? What say you, Miss Robichaud?”

That’s when I felt it; it started behind my belly button and worked its way up, settling around my heart: defiance. The necessary kind, the kind that pushed back on whatever judgment I’d seen in Will’s eyes, a look that had made me feel undesirable, unworthy of love. That wasn’t coming from him; that feeling was in me already, and it was time, time to let all of that go: No more judgment, no more limits and no more shame, Cassie. Starting now.

I turned to Jesse. I turned to face the man who knew my darkest parts, my fears and desires, and wasn’t turning away.

“Actually, I would like it if you came up, Jesse. I’ve had a hell of a night … and I think I could really use a friend tonight.”

He wet his thumb with his tongue and rubbed stray mascara off my cheek.

“Then use me, darlin’,” he said. “Use me.”

I have several “Committees” to thank, both personal and professional, who’ve help carry my S.E.C.R.E.T.: Susan Gabriele, Lisa LaBorde, Jenn Goodwin, Sarah Durning, Debra Thier, Charlene Donovan, Arlene Dickinson, Vanessa Campion, John Campion, Lee-Anne McAlear, Jim Harris, Meredith Oke, Arwen Humphreys, Joanne Morra, Katrina Onstad, Becki Rose, Steve Erwin and the rest of my family.

Random House and Doubleday Canada: Kristin Cochrane, Brad Martin, Adria Iwasutiak and especially Nita Pronovost, the brains behind this whole operation.

My gals at Gowlings: Susan Abramovitch and Shelagh Carnegie, and Andrew Kay and Marisa De Luca at Kay Warburton.

Random House US: Alexis Washam, Molly Stern, Dyana Messina, Danielle Crabtree, Julie Cepler and Sheila O’Shea.

Everyone at Fletcher and Company NYC: Melissa Chinchillo, Kevin Cotter, Mink Choi, Rachel Crawford, Grainne Fox, and of course, my marvelous agent Christy Fletcher.

Much love and thanks to all the publishers and readers around the world (what writer doesn’t want to write that sentence?) for embracing S.E.C.R.E.T. and making it your own.

1.    Cassie Robichaud and Dauphine Mason were both hurt by the men from their past. Both women isolate as a result. By partaking in S.E.C.R.E.T., how does Dauphine successfully leave those memories behind? How did Cassie? How does Dauphine’s journey differ from Cassie’s? How are they similar?

2.    When Dauphine Mason is on the shore of the Abita River for her first fantasy, she is nervous, self-conscious, and frozen, but she tells herself: “Stop thinking. Act,” and takes the plunge as she accepts her first Step. What are some other examples throughout the book where Dauphine stops thinking and acts? What results does she get? Have you ever had to “shake yourself free” this way?

3.    If you were a member of S.E.C.R.E.T., would you want to be a guide, recruiter or fantasy facilitator? Cassie experiments with all three roles—which do you think suits her best?

4.    “You did it. You gave up control.” For Dauphine, her journey in S.E.C.R.E.T. is a path leading her from a life ruled by control to one where she is finally able to let go. With each Step, she lets go of the familiar, routine and isolated life to which she finds herself increasingly clinging. What kinds of things do you control that you could benefit from letting go of? What steps have you taken to give up that control? What would freedom from those habits look like?

5.    What did you think of Matilda’s recruiting methods? How was she able to spot a willing and able recruit in Dominic? Where would you go to spot a recruit? And what is the answer to Cassie’s question: how did Matilda “get the hottest guy in the park” to come to her?

6.    As Cassie reflects on her relationship with Will, she marvels at the notion that she had known him for so many years, yet never allowed herself to see him as a potential lover until she was transformed by S.E.C.R.E.T. What other unseen gifts does she uncover? What are the gifts in your life that you might not be noticing?

7.    After Luke leaves Dauphine and writes his bestselling book, humiliating her, how does Dauphine continue to give him power? When Dauphine meets Mark, how is that relationship different from her relationship with Luke?

8.    Cassie’s experience with S.E.C.R.E.T. was successful in transforming her from someone withdrawn and timid to a confident, self-realized woman of action. But with Will, she feels stuck, unable to be with him. Matilda advises Cassie to get on with the business of life—not to let heartbreak get in the way of practical concerns. “Don’t give men that much power, Cassie. Get on with the task of living.” Do you agree with this advice?

9.    “I always went with the most powerful force governing my life at the time,” says Dauphine. What are the powerful forces governing Dauphine’s life when we first meet her? How do they affect her life? By the end of the book, how have those forces shifted?

10.  The first time Dauphine sees Cassie at Ignatius’s, Cassie gets Mark Drury’s phone number with an ease and confidence that impresses both of them. Have you ever seen a similar example in your life, when someone pulled something off that you couldn’t dream of doing? When Cassie then visits Dauphine at the Funky Monkey, how does she establish trust?

11.  Before Dauphine decides to tell Cassie that she is interested in pursuing S.E.C.R.E.T., she asks her why she thinks fulfilling wild sex fantasies will fix everything. Cassie explains that it won’t fix everything but that it will create a “cascade effect” in her life. Do you agree that this is how change can occur? Is there any one thing you would like to change that might create a similar cascade effect in your own life?

12.  When Dauphine meets the S.E.C.R.E.T. committee at the Mansion, she makes a list of rules for herself from which she won’t budge: no flying, no lights on, nothing to do with beaches and no water. She breaks every one of her rules. What rules would you have if you were to take the S.E.C.R.E.T. Steps? Which ones might you consider breaking under the right circumstances?

13.  What surprised you about Dauphine handing her completely empty fantasy folder over to the Committee, telling them, “surprise me”?

14.  Cassie has Mark’s phone number yet she hesitates to call him. What holds her back? Do you think there remains a general perception that women shouldn’t call men? Why? Or why not?

15.  Both Cassie and Dauphine hesitate before joining S.E.C.R.E.T. But Mark’s reaction to being recruited into S.E.C.R.E.T. is different. According to Cassie it “required no preamble … no psychic obstacles, [or] social conditioning to fight against; [it] didn’t cause him to question everything he was taught about his role in society or his sexuality.” Do you think when it comes to men, women and sex, that there is still a double standard?

16.  During Mark’s training with Angela, Matilda explains that making a woman feel desirable is the greatest aphrodisiac. Is that true for you? Angela instructs Mark to smolder, not smile, to take his time but not to be too deliberate and to maintain eye contact. Would you find this sexy? Are there are behaviors you would like a man to exhibit to make you feel desirable? What do you make of Mark’s training session? What would you have done differently? What did you agree with?

17.  In Buenos Aires, Dauphine trusts her instincts when she meets Pierre Castille and refuses to take the Step with him. What was it about him or that situation that made her feel unsafe? Do you have a reflex that allows you to protect yourself when you feel unsafe?

18.  The theme of sexual rebirth is prevalent throughout the book. In addition to her fantasies, particularly the first one where she is submerged in a river, what are some other firsts in the book for Dauphine? What about Cassie?

19.  Matilda says to Cassie: “The word ‘slut,’ unless employed by iron-clad feminists or ironically, by irony experts, has no business coming out of a woman’s mouth.” Talk about that word and its ramifications. Why do you think Matilda is so passionate about the word “slut”? Do you agree with her?

20.  Beside hair color, age and general shape, L. Marie Adeline does not describe Cassie or Dauphine’s physical appearances in very much detail, leaving much of what they look like up to the readers’ imaginations. She also refrains from referring to them as beautiful or sexy though the men they’re with often flatter them. Why do you think this is the case? How do you picture Cassie and Dauphine?

21.  Dauphine and Cassie encounter many different men in the course of their S.E.C.R.E.T. journeys, including a police officer, a pilot, an athlete and a musician. Which one of these male archetypes would appeal to you the most, and why? Who is the sexiest character in the book? Why do you feel that way?

22.  In the end, Will abandons Cassie after the revelations about her involvement in S.E.C.R.E.T. Do you understand why he felt he had to do this? Or do you think he was overwhelmed by this news so soon after Tracina’s betrayal? What do you think they’ll have to overcome to be together again?

23.  At least for a while it looks like Cassie might pair up with Jesse again. Do they make a good pair? Do you think they reignite their passion at the end of the book? What are their chances for the long haul?