Marie Adeline - Secret Shared

“You’re early. Matilda’s at the Mansion, but she’ll be here in a minute. Go on in,” she whispered.

“Dauphine’s not here yet?”

“I’ll watch for her. A new girl! So exciting!”

The boardroom door was ajar so I slipped in and saw for the first time the mythical Fantasy Board, to which only the Committee was privy. It was usually kept hidden behind a sliding wall. But there it was in all its colorful glory. Some of the men’s names were struck out. Some I recognized. My heart sped up when I saw “Theo” on a purple card—my sexy French ski instructor—but there was a black slash through his name. There was also “Captain Archer,” the helicopter pilot who’d led me to “Jake,” the tugboat captain. Next to that was a card with “Captain Nathan” and a question mark; I didn’t recognize that name. I inched the board back a little more and saw more strange names, then two that made my heart feel like a deep bruise with a finger pushing on it, including ”Pierre Castille,” covered by an X. My fantasy with the Bayou Billionaire had been extraordinary. The Ball, that sexy limousine ride home; he was incredibly hot and so assured. But his attentions turned toxic after the burlesque show, when he just assumed I’d pick him over Will for my final fantasy. I figured the X meant the Committee had dumped him from the fantasy roster, something I would have suggested had I been asked.

But the other familiar name was Jesse, my third Step fantasy, and his card had a number two scrolled on it. Jesse! My sexy-as-hell, tattooed pastry chef. Had it been almost a year since he overcame me in the kitchen at the Café Rose? Each of the men I’d had sex with was amazing in his own right, but I had made a special connection with Jesse, one strong enough to almost cause me to quit my fantasies early for a chance to get to know him better. Matilda convinced me to stay in S.E.C.R.E.T., to push through. And though I was grateful in the end when Will and I tumbled into bed, now I wasn’t so sure I’d taken the right risk with the right man.

“Cassie!”

I almost leapt out of my skin at the sound of Matilda’s voice.

“You scared me!”

She stood in the doorway, her arms crossed.

“Cassie, you know better than to come in here unsupervised. You aren’t supposed to see the board unless you’re a full Committee member.”

“I can handle it. I mean, I knew some of these guys were coming back. What’s the rule? Three turns through S.E.C.R.E.T.?” I asked, keeping my voice from breaking. Why was I suddenly so upset?

“Yes, that’s right.”

“And how many more fantasies does Jesse have left as a participant?”

“He’s performed two. So … one more,” Matilda said gently.

“Pierre’s name is scratched out, I see.”

“After the way he treated you at the burlesque revue? The Committee feels he is no longer S.E.C.R.E.T. material.”

“I agree, which is such a shame. He’s very … well, you know. Have you told him yet?”

“No.”

“I’d love to listen in on that phone call, when the Bayou Billionaire’s told his services won’t be required.”

“Powerful men aren’t used to being rejected. Pierre Castille will probably be no exception.”

“So … Jesse. Is he completely off limits while he’s on the Fantasy Board?”

Why did I ask that? I knew the answer! Oh god, I sounded like a lovelorn teenager.

“Yes, he’s off limits. Unless you’re participating in a threesome scenario or training him. We may tee him up with Dauphine if her fantasy folder indicates an interest in his type.”

“Right. I see,” I said, hardly camouflaging my disappointment.

“Cassie, if you want us to put you and Jesse together again, to see if there’s still a spark, that can be done. But the rule is you then have to find a similar replacement recruit. Are you ready to replace him? To recruit a new man?”

She had me there and she knew it.

“I thought you only wanted to guide this year.”

“I do. I’m happy to guide.”

“So everything is as it should be.” She looked at her watch. “Why don’t you put some coffee on?”

I headed to the kitchenette off the foyer. I thought of the way Jesse had kissed me. That kiss. That hungry, searching kiss! The way he pressed me against the cool tiles. How he lifted me onto the prep table, bringing me to orgasm with his mouth, that mouth, just his mouth, because he never entered me … Oh god, there I was getting wet just thinking of the possibility of Jesse inside me, moving on top of me, his arm muscles flexing in the light … I had the sudden urge to waltz back into the boardroom and remove his name.

Danica stuck her head in the kitchenette.

“She’s here. Dauphine. She’s out at the gate. Ready?”

“Yup, sure, ready,” I said, my hands deep in my front pockets. “Let’s go!”

HOW MANY TIMES had I walked past this mansion without any idea what went on in here? I lived only a few blocks away. The possibility of a lusher life had been right under my nose, and yet I couldn’t see it and hadn’t known it. It’s funny how you don’t know you’re ready for change until it appears on your doorstep. I stood in front of that imposing, vine-covered gate on Third Street, contemplating entering. You can always leave, I told myself. You do not have to stay. You do not have to do anything you don’t want to do.

My unspoken motto in life had always been: if I can’t control it, I don’t trust it. It had worked with my business—I trusted almost no one after buying Charlotte out (Elizabeth being the rare exception), and I took control of the store myself. But my controlling nature had also prevented me from moving, changing and growing. I had stopped taking risks. Jeez, I even cut my own hair because I didn’t trust anyone else to do it. I’d sweep it to the front of my face and trim the ends in the mirror. Luke used to say it wasn’t Charlotte that broke us up, it was the fact that I stood frozen in the tracks of my life.

When I saw Cassie coming out of the Coach House, she didn’t recognize me at first. My hair was down and I wasn’t wearing a dress. Instead I had picked out ’60s-style side-zipper clam-diggers, a sleeveless floral blouse and espadrilles. I wanted to seem casual but not too casual; pulled together, but not completely buttoned-down. Cassie didn’t look nearly as neurotic in her jeans and white T-shirt.

Okay, stop thinking, Dauphine!

“Am I late?”

“You’re right on time. Ready?”

“Ready as the Arizona rain.”

I followed her through the ivy-covered gate. The grounds behind the high fence were as I had imagined—impeccable, crew-cut green grass, vivid pink hydrangea bushes, white roses the size of a toddler’s tutu dancing up the curved portico. Up close, the Mansion put a spell on you; you simply wanted to be inside of it. Cassie kept her hand wrapped around my upper arm, gently guiding me towards the red door of a square building to our left.

Matilda opened the door before we knocked.

“Dauphine, the woman with the beautiful name. Welcome to the Coach House. The Committee is very excited to meet you.”

It all happened so fast that I didn’t get a chance to take in the decor, though I thought I recognized two large abstracts lining the walls, the colors and brush technique distinct.

“Oh my goodness! Are those … Mendoza abstracts?” I asked, much to Matilda’s delight.

“Why yes! They’re the last two from our collection. We’re the executors of Carolina Mendoza’s estate. You know her work?”

“Design major. Modern Louisiana Art was one of my courses,” I said, gazing up at the largest of the two paintings, which featured two fiery red squares that faded into yellow and orange at the edges. I quickly retrieved some facts about her from my filing cabinet brain: a young revolutionary from South America, a passionate feminist …

“She was a dear friend and one of S.E.C.R.E.T.’s founders,” Matilda added. “The sale of her paintings every few years funds our endeavors. In fact, this year we’re selling this one, Red Rage. We’ll be sad to part with it.”

“I bet. It’s beautiful.”

We passed a punky-looking young woman at reception with black hair and vivid red lips.

“Danica, this is Dauphine.”

“Hi!” she said. “I’m a big fan of your store.”

“Oh, yes. Thanks.”

I vaguely recognized her, though members of the young hipster set sometimes blend into to one another. And those types rarely bought intact vintage, always tweaking and altering expert tailoring to make it their own.

“Don’t worry, your secrets are safe with S.E.C.R.E.T.,” Danica said.

Matilda cleared her throat. “Danica, please set Dauphine up in my office to fill out the questionnaire.” She looked at her watch.

“There’s a test?” I asked, my heart pounding.

“No, no,” Cassie said. “It’s just a list of things you’ve done or would like to do. Sexually. It helps the Committee plan the fantasies. Takes about half an hour.”

Danica reached beneath the desk, pulling from a small drawer a soft burgundy booklet about the size of a passport. She handed it to me. It felt like one of my sketching Moleskines from art class. The cover was embossed with an etching of three women, naked except for their long wavy hair. Beneath them was a Latin inscription: Nihil judicii. Nihil limitis. Nihil verecundiae.

“It means ‘No Judgment. No Limits. No Shame,’” Cassie said.

I opened up the booklet. Inside was a preamble:

What you have in your hands is completely confidential. Your answers are for you and for the Committee only. No one else will see your responses. For S.E.C.R.E.T. to help you, we must know more about you. Be thorough, be honest, be fearless. Please begin:

“So … I fill this out?”

“Yes. We’re just trying to understand your sexual history, your preferences, likes and dislikes,” Matilda said, as I followed Danica to a cozy office, glancing over my shoulder as Cassie gave me two thumbs up.

“Tea? Water?” Danica asked, pointing to a black leather Eames chair and ottoman near the bookshelf.

“I’m okay,” I said, glancing around the beautifully appointed room—at the white walls, oiled-walnut shelving, the mid-century modern touches. These were my kind of people, I thought. Then Matilda left me alone with my worries.

I would just have to be really clear with the Committee. I would tell them what I was willing to do and not willing to do. I would carefully list my rules: no flying, no lights on, nothing to do with beaches, no water. And if they couldn’t honor those wishes, then fine. I would walk away. I wasn’t here to change my life, just to enhance it, improve upon it. Somewhat. The sex part anyway.

But first they wanted basic information. I turned my attention to my little booklet again, scanning the questions, which veered from how many lovers I’d had, to one-night stands, threesomes, anal, oral—all with handy boxes, numbers and circles next to them. The first few questions were easy. I stopped counting my “number” after fifteen, so I rounded it up to twenty. Taking the five years with Luke into consideration, that made my lover count about two per year. I had always thought I’d been adventurous, but two men a year suddenly didn’t sound like that many.

A few minutes later, Cassie poked her head into the room.

“How are you doing? Ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I said, handing her my marked-up booklet.

I followed her across the main foyer, through two high white doors. We were now in a boardroom filled with women, and the chatter stopped instantly the moment we entered. Meeting new people wasn’t my forte, and these were people to whom I would have to be vulnerable. This is simply not a good idea.

But before I could turn on my heels, Cassie pulled out a chair for me. As I sank into it, I slowly glanced around the all-white boardroom, a perfect backdrop for the ten women of various ages, colors and sizes who were all decked out in their vivid outfits, looking like the United Nations Commission on Perfect Accessories and Hair. I was dying to take in all their faces and at the same time half afraid to make direct eye contact.

“Ladies,” Cassie said. “Thank you for meeting with us today. I’d like to introduce you to Dauphine. She is our next S.E.C.R.E.T. candidate, I hope. If she’ll have us.”

This sent a cheery applause through the room. There was a pause, and everyone was looking at me. That’s when I realized I was supposed to speak. And say what? Oh no, I haven’t prepared properly for this! I’ve wrecked everything. Trust and control.