G.T. and I didn’t use condoms. It was a huge fuckup on my part as I should have insisted we did. I knew him, I knew he’d never commit to one person, but did it anyway like some stupid love struck teenager, hoping I’d be the one he’d change for. Stupid. He did get tested for me though and got the all clear, but even that should not have had me tempting fate.

My relationship with G.T. has never been what one would call stable or healthy. As kids, he’s the little brother Harlow and I loved terrorizing and manipulating whenever we got a chance. We had him do some pretty disgusting stuff, like drink stale beer with cigarette butts and someone’s loogies in it. With only a couple year age difference, we spent a lot of time together, but mostly it was the eww-he’s-gross kinda time.

Part of me fell in love with Gage Thomas Gavelson when I was seven years old though, he threw mud in my face because I wouldn’t jump in it with him. That sealed the deal for me.

Shortly after he started hanging around the club, I noticed a cute little brother starting to turn into a man and I went from a sickening case of puppy love to a full-blown crush. But around thirteen, Pops, G.T.’s dad, started bringing him around the club more and more. I would see him from across the parking lot occasionally while Bam and I were working on cars, but it wasn’t the same. I missed him. Then, the women started coming around. Much older women. At first, I thought maybe they were just helping him with homework or working for Pops. How wrong I was. I quickly learned they were helping him, but definitely not with homework.

The intensity of my feelings for G.T. continued to grow, never lessening. If anything the longing became intensified to a degree it ached to even see him at all. He continually held a special place in my heart; one I kept locked up tight inside trying desperately to keep contained. But every smirk he’d give me or every bump on the shoulder would crack that container a bit more.

One fateful day, he actually saw me. Really saw me. The emotion in his eyes when they locked on mine lit my body on fire. That day was fast, fierce and beautiful. That day also started our short love affair.

I should have known better. All common sense left me when it came to that man. I saw the women in and out of his room at the club throughout the years, but stupid me, I thought I was different. I thought I meant something to him. But I didn’t. I was just one of many. There is no changing a man like G.T. As much as I want to be the special one he sees, I’m not and I have to live with it.

Our time together was a whirlwind and went by so quickly, but with such deep rooted feelings for G.T. I was sucked into everything that is him. But after only three weeks together he broke it off leaving me with a parting gift. As sick as it sounds, I’m happy to always have a part of him with me. And the even sicker part is I am my mother. I’m the club momma that got knocked up by a brother. I’ll be the one that everyone looks down on as the whore. But the major difference with me is I will not give up my baby or abandon it.

The day will come here in the next few months when I will need to tell G.T. I’m not a heartless bitch that would try and keep his child from him. No matter how much he hurt me, I’d never do that to him. It may kill me to have my son or daughter around the throng of club mommas G.T. has in and out of his bed, but I’ll deal, just like I deal with everything else. And I’ll let him or her chose whether they want the same life, as their father. I will never make that decision for them.

But the whole point of me coming up here is to get myself together. I have no doubt G.T. will provide financially for his child, but I want to be able to do it on my own as well. This baby is mine and I want to give G.T. the option, unlike my father ever had. Part of me desperately wants him to step up and be the father I know he can be, but I will not force him like Bam was. I will get my degree and I will provide for my child. I will not rely on anyone, ever.

Not only that, I need to come to terms with Bam’s death. Thinking about it sends chills down my body and my hands shake. Even after four years, his death still haunts me. I close my eyes, tears well up inside of them. I try keeping the tears at bay but am finding it hard to do. Bam is the only family I have, was the only family I had. Even though I grew up around the club, I never felt part of it. Instead, I always felt like an outsider looking in. The brother’s kid, therefore, everyone put up with me.

Harlow is truly the sister I always wanted, not by blood but by bond. Even though I do consider her my family, she now has her own to deal with. Not only that, she has the club. Now that she’s an ol’ lady, she’s in a whole different bracket than me. Where once we were similar in status, to a degree, now she’s on a whole other field and I respect her place there.

Even growing up, I always felt the difference with her. Harlow is the Princess and I always felt like the court. The brothers always fawned over her, and were nice to me, but never to the extent of Princess. Looking back now, it sounds damn petty and jealous, but to a thirteen year old girl who’s trying to come into her own, it was everything. I don’t even know if the brothers realized they were doing it or if they cared. But I cared.

When Bam died, all the brothers stepped up to take care of me, but again I felt like a spectator just watching from the sidelines. There, but not feeling part of it. And part of it could have been the grief I was in, considering I didn’t come out of my room for a couple of weeks. But the club was Bam’s family, not mine, even though I wanted it to be. I have always been an obligation to the brothers. I don’t need anyone’s pity, ever again. But I’ll always have Harlow to some degree, maybe not like before, but I do know if I called her right now she would come. Granted we have some things to work out, but I know we will.

I can’t tell her about the baby though, not yet. I almost did last night lying in bed with her after the intensity of what we found out about Rocky being an undercover cop. I want someone to talk to about the pregnancy, but I could not add more shit to her already huge pile she’s dealing with, even though I craved to lean on her. I ache for her to wrap her arms around me and take away all the hurt and confusion. But on the flip side, I know she will be pissed that I left and would drag me back and force me to tell G.T., but he’s not ready to know yet. More importantly, I’m not ready to tell him yet.

A loud bang on the front door causes me to jump and clutch my chest, my heart pounds. Damn. I walk hesitantly to the door and look in the peephole where Jace is standing with a plastic bag in one hand and a pizza box in the other. My stomach growls, but chastise it to shut up.

I open the door slowly and give a small smile. “Hi.”

“Hey Casey. I just figured you were busy unpacking and thought I’d bring ya something to eat.”

“Thanks. But I’m just heading out to find a grocery store.” My chest tightens. I don’t want to be a bitch, but from the gleam in his eye he is seriously interested in me and I can’t have that. There is too much in my life that needs to be sorted out before any of that will happen and leading him anywhere is a mistake. Especially when he finds out I’m going to have a kid, insta-dad doesn’t work with a lot of men. But it is a nice gesture to bring a new neighbor food.

“I’ve already got food. You’ve gotta be tired from unpacking all day. Look. It’s just a friend thing. I can see the wheels in your head turning. I’ve gotta eat. You gotta eat. Let’s just eat and when we’re done, I’ll leave.” Jace changed into a pair of cargo khaki shorts and a blue polo shirt that is tight around his biceps. His hair looks like his fingers have been through it a thousand times, but still put together. His eyes gleam as they stare into mine.

“Just friends.” I emphasize for him, not myself.

“Got it.” I sweep my arm in front of me ushering him into my apartment my heart continuing to beat rapidly.

“Ignore the boxes. Crap. I don’t know if I have plates or anything.” I step into the kitchen that sparkles with white cabinets, a slightly lighter blue-grey color on the walls and large island that has two bar stools. I reach for the chrome knob on the cupboard door to get plates and Jace’s touch on my hand shocks me and I instantly retract it.

“Sorry. I have paper plates and pop. No worries.” I instantly feel like shit for my reaction. I sigh and reach for the countertop to steady myself. Pull your shit together.

“Great, thank you.” I give him a small smile. “Please have a seat.” I turn and point to the stool at the island.

He sets all of the things on top reaching into a plastic bag pulling out two plates, napkins and two pops. A grumble from my stomach declaring its hunger sends Jace into a fit of laughter.

“See, I knew you’d be hungry.” He opens the box pulling out pieces of oozing cheesy pizza and setting one on each of our plates. The smell of garlic and pizza sauce instantly hits my nose and my mouth waters. The realization of just how hungry I am hits me hard.

“It’s been a rough day.” I smile reaching for the pizza and taking a large bite. A slight moan escapes my lips as the sauce hits my tongue, so good. He smiles and begins to eat.

“I remember when I moved in last year, I was dead on my feet.” He starts obviously not liking the silence.

“Thank you for bringing me food.” I wipe my mouth and quickly dive back into the pizza devouring it, also if my mouth is full, I can’t talk much.

“You are very welcome. What are neighbors for?” He smiles and pizza sauce drips on his lip.

“You’ve got some.” I point to my lip, his tongue darts out catching the sauce. It’s definitely appealing, but I enforce the wall I have separating friendship from attraction.

“Thanks. Are you in school?” I nod. “What are you studying?” He asks.

Part of me didn’t want to answer him, didn’t want to give him any information about myself. But I didn’t want to be a rude bitch either. “Business, but I’m just starting so I have to get through all my gen eds first.”

“I’m business too. This is my second year, I’m mostly gen eds too. Hoping next semester, I’ll get some guts.”

I laugh at his description. “How are classes?” I grab another piece of pizza out of the box and immediately start eating.

“Alright. Nothing too exciting.” He shrugs before taking a large bite out of the slice in his hand.

“I’m looking forward to it.” I grab the pop taking a deep swallow, surprised that talking to him comes so natural as my body begins to relax a bit.

“So, Casey tell me about yourself.” I still, the relaxation I felt moments ago drifts out of my body and I stare at him. He notices my hesitance, “Just getting to know each other. Nothing more.”

It would be nice to know someone here and he does seem like a pretty decent guy. Hell, he brought me pizza. I can tell him, just not much.

“I’m from Sumner. I love working on cars and that’s about it.” I dig back into my pizza.

He grins. “I’m sure there’s more to it than that, but I’ll go with it.” He pauses. “I’m from here actually. Started school last year at the insistence of my father, I worked for him as a paper pusher so he thinks he can boss me around. Well, I guess he can.” He chuckles. “I run quite often, love to watch football and am an all-around great guy.”

Now it’s my turn to laugh. “You sure think highly of yourself there.”

He chews the pizza and swallows. “Nah. Nothing like that. Just thought I’d get to hear you laugh, and I’m glad I did.”

I turn away quickly at his flirtation, filling my mouth with more pizza.

He holds his hands up in surrender. “Sorry. I’ll stop. I’m making you uncomfortable and it’s the last thing I want.”

I wipe my face and slowly stand. “I really appreciate you bringing dinner, but I’m really tired.”

“And there’s my cue to get-the-hell-out,” he grumbles as he slides off the stool. I can’t deny his words. “Thanks for letting me eat with you. I’m sure we’ll see each other around.”

“Thank you again for helping with the box and bringing dinner. It was very nice of you.”

“What every guy wants to hear. It was nice.” He laughs. “It’s really no problem. If you need anything, I’m in 306. Come by anytime.”

I nod as I move quickly towards the door and open it. “Thank you. See ya Casey.” He smiles his eyes squinting in mischief. It’s best for him to go. He needs to go.