He kisses her. Hold on this. He gets more into it than she does. He pulls back.

ADAM (quiet, so the audience can only just about hear it). Maybe we should go to the park together. What d’you think?

A beat as they look at each other. She kisses him. He pulls back.

Grace. What d’you think?

She kisses him. It’s cold, lustless and this time it goes on for ages. He holds the back of her head. It goes on and on till it becomes uncomfortable for the audience. It doesn’t crescendo – just the same kissing, still and stationary, apart from at one point he puts his hand tentatively on her bottom, where it remains, groping her in a way that looks perhaps painful for her. Finally they part and wipe their mouths.

Blackout.


The kebab shop. They sit, eating.

ADAM. Is that nice?

GRACE. It’s amazing.

ADAM. This is delicious.

They eat in silence.

I’m starving. I had a shit lunch.

GRACE. What did I have for lunch? Cheese sandwich.

ADAM. Lovely. What cheese d’you put in it?

GRACE. Cheddar.

ADAM. I love Cheddar. I like Brie as well.

GRACE. Yeah.

They eat in silence. Hold on this. Then—

ADAM. D’you want a drink?

GRACE. I’m fine.

ADAM. Coke? Diet Coke?

GRACE. No. It’s got caffeine in it. It keeps me awake.

ADAM. Yeah.

GRACE. I won’t sleep tonight.

ADAM. Okay.

They eat in silence.

GRACE. Such a great night…

She laughs. He smiles.

Was it you that likes the Harry Potter films?

ADAM. Erm. No. I don’t think so.

A beat.

Are they good?

GRACE. I don’t know. I guess they must be.

He smiles. They eat in silence.

This is absolutely amazing!

ADAM. Mmmmm!!

They eat in silence. Eventually—

So – Grace – you don’t eat any meat?

GRACE. No.

ADAM. Mad… No animal products? No animal products at all?

GRACE. None.

ADAM. Wow. Impressive.

GRACE. I don’t know about that.

ADAM. Debbie – the pregnant one tonight—

GRACE. Oh yeah.

ADAM. She goes out with my mate Dave—

GRACE. ‘Dave and Debbie’!

ADAM. Oh yeah!

GRACE laughs. ADAM laughs.

GRACE. Sorry! Carry on.

ADAM. She’s a vegetarian – Debbie is – and she doesn’t eat meat but she does eat fish. You ever done that?

GRACE. No. I’ve heard of people who do that but I’m not like that.

She wipes her mouth with a tissue. A beat, then—

ADAM. And do you miss meat?

GRACE. Bacon sandwiches.

ADAM. Yes!

GRACE. Oh my God I so miss bacon sandwiches! Sometimes if my flatmate’s making one, I’ll have a bite on his.

ADAM. Bacon’s not bad anyway is it.

GRACE. Yeah.

Silence. They eat.

ADAM. This is yummy.

GRACE. Mmmmmmm!

He watches her eating for a moment. Then, getting up—

ADAM. I’m gonna get a Coke. Sure I can’t get you a Coke?

GRACE. Yeah. I don’t want to be up all night.

ADAM. Well you can share mine if you fancy it.

GRACE. I’m fine.

ADAM. Cool.

He goes to the counter at the back of the stage. She eats with her back to him. Silence. He stands there with his back to us and her. Hold on this. He looks back at her without her knowing. A beat of his disappointed, despairing, blank look. He looks forward again, his back to her and us. A beat.

Blackout.


Empty stage apart from a shirt that’s the same as the one ADAM’s been wearing throughout the play, still in its packet from the shop, unopened. ADAM comes on topless. He picks up the shirt, opens it and puts it on. It’s creased from being folded in its packet.

ADAM (calling offstage). It’s creased!

No response. He tuts and harrumphs. He looks at himself in an invisible mirror. He tuts.

What am I gonna do?

He looks in the mirror. No response. He takes it off.

Ruth, it’s really creased!

He goes offstage.

(Offstage.) Ruth!

Blackout.


They’re in the cab. The car radio plays in the front. She’s leaning forward, speaking to the invisible cabbie.

GRACE. It’s just past Homebase.

She sits back with ADAM.

I love cabs. It makes me feel like I’m famous.

ADAM. I think you’ll be famous one day.

GRACE (pleased). Do you?

ADAM. Yeah. Of course.

GRACE. I don’t know…

ADAM. Of course you will.

GRACE. Tut. I dunno.

A beat.

I wouldn’t want to be too famous.

ADAM. No.

Long silence, just sat there looking out of their windows, the radio playing in the front.

GRACE. Such a crazy night.

ADAM. Yeah.

A beat.

GRACE. I had a real chilled day – really nice – just sitting round and vegging out – spoke to my mum, which was nice—

ADAM. Oh. Nice.

GRACE. Yeah.

ADAM. She okay?

GRACE. Yeah.

ADAM. Good.

GRACE. Just a really chilled day. Nice to have a bit of downtime isn’t it.

ADAM. Definitely.

Long silence. Car radio. They just sit there. He scratches his hand. He offers her some chewing gum.

GRACE. Thanks.

She takes one and sits there chewing. Silence. Car radio.

And so cool. Getting a cab.

ADAM. Yes!

GRACE. I usually walk!

ADAM. Do you?

GRACE. Yeah. God… This is the life! Jesus… Hilarious…

He smiles for her. Long silence. Car radio in the front. She looks at him and feels the bottom of his shirt.

This is nice.

ADAM. Thanks.

GRACE. Where d’you get it?

ADAM. Can’t remember.

GRACE. It’s nice.

ADAM. Thanks.

A beat.

GRACE (about the cabbie). We should make out. Give him something to look at.

She laughs. He laughs for her. They just sit there, looking out of separate windows, chewing.

Blackout.


Outside GRACE’s front door. GRACE is trying to find her keys in her bag.

ADAM. It’s a lovely house.

GRACE. It’s from the sixties.

ADAM. Very nice.

GRACE. Sorry – they’re definitely in here.

ADAM. It’s fine.

She looks. He’s trying to be patient. He points.

They’re nice.

GRACE. The lady upstairs does them.

ADAM. Oh. Nice.

GRACE. She’s a bit of a bitch but she’s cool. (Signalling around them.) She looks after the garden as well.

ADAM. Nice.

A beat.

They’re not in your pocket are they?

GRACE (not checking). No.

She looks in her bag. As she does so—

I’ll just have to go in first and check my bedroom’s cool.

ADAM. Cool.

She looks for her keys. We can sense his despair.

So who mows the grass? Does the lady upstairs do that as well?

She ignores him. She looks in her bag. She then stops and looks up at him.

GRACE. Have you got condoms?

ADAM. Yeah.

GRACE. I’ve run out.

ADAM. I’ve got three.

GRACE. Cool.

She looks in her bag.

Blackout.


Empty stage. A beat. A young woman, RUTH, walks from stage left across the stage carrying an iron in silence. She exits stage right.

Blackout.


The club. Music so loud they have to shout above it. We can just about hear them. They can just about hear each other. Big smiles from them both throughout.

ADAM. Come outside!

GRACE (giggling). What?!

ADAM. Come outside!

GRACE. What for?!

ADAM. Come outside with me!

GRACE (giggling). Why?!

ADAM. I’ve got something I wanna show you!

GRACE. What?!

ADAM. Just come outside and you’ll see!

GRACE. What?!

ADAM. I’ve got something I want to show you!

Blackout.


GRACE’s flat. GRACE and ADAM are hushedly, hysterically laughing, bent double, trying not to make any noise. They shush each other, which only makes them laugh more. They laugh and laugh and shush and shush.

Blackout.


GRACE’s flat. The hallway. They’re still hysterical, giggling but having to hush themselves. They speak in whispers through their laughter.

ADAM. Are you gonna tell him?

GRACE. I don’t know! I might have to…

ADAM. Grace!

She laughs even more.

Blackout.


GRACE’s flat again. They’re still laughing and whispering through the hysterics.

ADAM. You should’ve told me it was there!

GRACE. I didn’t expect you to—

ADAM. Shsh!

GRACE. I didn’t expect you to tread on it!

ADAM (loud). It was a mistake!

She shushes him. They laugh again.

Don’t you shush me!

He grabs her.

Blackout.


Outside the club. Music comes from inside the club. He snogs her cold, hard, up against a wall.

Blackout.


Silence and empty stage.

RUTH comes on with an ironing board. She unfolds its legs, having trouble making them remain up – she doesn’t quite know how the thing works. She leaves again, returns with the iron and plugs it in, allowing it to heat up. She then leaves to get ADAM’s creased shirt, places the creased shirt on an ironing board and irons it in silence. She irons it perfectly, carefully and completely. It’s ironed in real time, as long as it takes. The only sound is the sound of the iron. She lifts the shirt and looks at it, finished.

Blackout.


GRACE’s kitchen. A CD plays quietly.

GRACE. Shall we have a drink?

ADAM. Erm. I don’t know. Are you having one?

GRACE. I don’t mind. D’you want one?

ADAM. Yeah. If you do. (At something by her.) That’s nice.

GRACE. Yeah.

ADAM. For your keys?

GRACE. Yeah.

ADAM. Yeah. Good idea.

GRACE. Yeah.

A beat.

So what d’you fancy?

ADAM. What have you got?

GRACE. God… Lots of things. Pretty much everything I think. Most of it’s my flatmate’s but he won’t know. What d’you think?

ADAM. I don’t mind. I’ll have whatever you’re having.

GRACE. Something alcoholic? Non-alcoholic?

ADAM. Erm… Alcoholic? I don’t mind really.

GRACE. Okay. God. Look at it all. We could stay up all night drinking couldn’t we?

ADAM. Yeah…!

She laughs. He laughs along.

GRACE. Couldn’t we though!

ADAM. Yeah!

GRACE. I’d love to do that. Have you ever done that?

ADAM. Yeah. Once or twice.

GRACE (with an edge). Who with?

ADAM (the tiniest hesitation). Friends.

GRACE. Oh my God. Abi’s done that. Funny… So funny. God… I can’t wait to tell her…!

ADAM. Yes!

A beat.

GRACE. So what d’you fancy?

ADAM. Erm—

Blackout.


They both have non-matching shot glasses she’s poured tequila in.

ADAM. That was funny at the door wasn’t it?

GRACE. Yeah. Amazing. God.

ADAM. Amazing!

GRACE. D’you want salt and lime?

ADAM. Erm. Yeah. Okay. Sounds good.

GRACE. I’ve definitely got salt. I don’t know if he’s got—

ADAM. Don’t worry.

GRACE. Actually, he keeps a lot of stuff in his bedroom—

ADAM. Honestly, I’m fine.

GRACE. Okay. Cool. (About the glasses.) I didn’t know we had these.

ADAM. Ha!

A beat.

(At the fridge.) Who’s that?

GRACE. My nan. She’s dead now.

ADAM. Oh. Sorry.

GRACE. Thanks.