Maya Banks - Shades of Gray

She could see herself as that woman, and maybe that was what scared her most of all.

And it wasn’t as simple as deciding they fit and then living happily ever after. They had their team to consider. They had dozens of young girls depending on them. They couldn’t afford to fuck it all up because their emotions got in the way.

As much as she wanted to be selfish and let tomorrow take care of itself, she knew she had to remain objective and make the mission her priority. For her own sanity as much as for the protection of those precious little girls.

COLE carried P.J. onto the plane. It was almost as if he’d reached the end of his patience or just blown his resolve to let her do as much on her own as possible.

She’d limped out of the cottage with Cole’s help, and admittedly he’d pretty much carried her then too, but he’d allowed her the illusion of making it on her own. He’d even allowed her to get out of the vehicle at the airfield, but after three painful steps, he muttered a curse and simply swept her into his arms.

She hadn’t argued, because to be perfectly honest, each of those three steps had been agonizing and she was too exhausted to care if she looked weak to the rest of the team.

It was stupid of her to care anyway. Her team members had each gone down before and they hadn’t shown their ass or insisted on making it on their own. All the pressure was of her own making. She didn’t want to seem like she needed help, because she felt like she had more to prove.

Ridiculous, but there you had it. She was a woman, and her team didn’t even care. It was her with the chip on her shoulder and for no reason.

Cole settled her on the back couch and made sure she was comfortable while the others took their seats and belted themselves in.

“I’m okay, Cole,” she said, after he’d placed a pillow underneath her leg. “Go sit down and buckle up.”

He scowled and ignored her, taking position at the end of the couch. He placed a hand over her knee to steady her so her leg wouldn’t be jostled in takeoff.

She sighed, knowing it was fruitless to argue with him. He was one hardheaded male.

As soon as they were airborne, the others filtered back. There were only two armchairs making up the small sitting area along with the couch, and Dolphin and Renshaw took those while Baker slouched on the floor. Steele stood in the doorway, and it was evident he had something on his mind.

Donovan was conspicuously absent, and she didn’t know if it was because he wanted to give the team privacy to hash out their issues or if Steele had told him to hang back.

“I’m going to be straight with you, P.J.,” Steele said. “You’re going to take it easy for the next few weeks. You aren’t going back to your apartment. It’s too risky. Brumley’s likely got a hit out on you. And if I don’t think you’re ready for action by the time we make our move on him, you’re grounded.”

She started to protest but he shut her down before she could say the first word.

“I’ll tie you up and have Sam sit on you if I have to,” Steele said in a terse voice. “You’ll be a liability to the team, not to mention the personal danger you’d place yourself in.”

She bit her lip and didn’t offer argument. It would do no good. And if she told him that there was no way in hell she was staying behind while they went after Brumley, he’d do just as he threatened and have Sam or Garrett play nanny.

So instead, she nodded stiffly and kept her mouth shut.

“The other thing is, you’re not staying alone while you’re recovering.”

Again she opened her mouth and he damn near sliced her in two with his stare.

“This isn’t up for negotiation. You aren’t going back to your apartment and you aren’t staying alone. You’d be a sitting duck if Brumley tried anything. So here are your choices. You stay with me or you stay with one of the team. Doesn’t matter to me. But you aren’t flying solo.”

“You can stay with me,” Dolphin offered.

“Or me,” Renshaw broke in.

Baker also offered his place.

Cole was the only one who remained silent. She cut her glance sideways at him to see him sitting expressionless, his hand still cupped over her knee.

It was almost as if he were issuing her a challenge. He’d laid his cards on the table. Now it was her turn to meet him halfway. He wasn’t going to offer. He wanted her to make the next move.

Damn it.

She blew out her breath while her heart was about to beat out of her chest. It was such a silly thing, but making that move scared the hell out of her. It was like jumping out of a plane and hoping like hell the parachute opened.

“P.J.?” Steele prompted.

There was another long pause while she gathered her courage.

“I’ll stay with Cole, if he doesn’t mind,” she choked out.

His hand tightened on her knee. She could feel the imprint of his fingers on her flesh.

Dolphin cast a glance over at Cole, his brows gathering as if he didn’t quite understand the strong undercurrent flowing in the room.

“Seriously, I don’t mind, P.J.,” Dolphin said.

Cole’s voice was almost menacing. “She’s staying with me.”

“Alrighty then,” Dolphin said, expelling his breath.

Cole’s grip on her knee loosened, but he still kept his hand there, and this time when she peeked back at him, he was staring at her, his eyes full of satisfaction.

She was glad now she’d made that move. Something told her that he would have been hurt if she had wimped out of the challenge he’d thrown.

“First thing you’re doing is checking into the hospital,” Steele said.

“Aw fuck,” she muttered.

“Save it,” Cole said. “You don’t have to stay, but you need to get checked out, get some meds, stitches, whatever it takes. Then I’ll take you home and make you feel all better.”

Heat prickled up her nape and warm pleasure flooded her heart. She had a feeling he wasn’t simply talking about a little pampering and some good food. And if she was right, she knew he certainly would go a long way in making her feel very, very good.

P.J. tried to get off the plane by herself, but even she had to admit defeat. Her leg was like one giant exposed nerve. Perspiration beaded her forehead and upper lip and she was clammy. Her breathing was shallow and rapid, and she wasn’t sure if she needed to puke or pass out.

After trying to take two steps, her knee buckled and she nearly went down. Cole was there to catch her, and without saying a word or bitching at her for attempting to walk, he simply swept her up and marched off the plane.

She nearly groaned aloud when she realized they’d flown into Henry County, which was the Kellys’ home airfield where they kept their jets hangared.

She was pleasantly surprised, however, when Cole whisked her into a waiting SUV. None of the Kellys were present. No one from KGI had met them, which meant there was no lecture to endure. Maybe her team would escape unscathed from all the trouble she’d caused.

Steele stuck his head in the door after Cole had laid her in the backseat.

“If you need anything, holler, Cole. I’ll be checking in periodically. Keep your ear to the ground and trust your instincts.”

“You heading home?” Cole asked their team leader.

Steele shook his head. “I have to give report to Sam.”

P.J. cringed. So much for her team not having any fallout. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to answer for me.”

Steele eyed her coolly. “Who says I’m answering to anyone? And moreover, who says it’s about you? I make the decisions on this team and I stand behind every one. If there’s anything to be said, it will be said to me. Not my team.”

As he shut the door, Cole glanced in the rearview mirror. “And that’s the law according to Steele.”

P.J. smiled. “He’s a total badass. I love that about him.”

Cole snorted. “You would.”

“You’re a pretty big badass yourself, Coletrane. I like it.”

“Glad you approve,” he said dryly. “Now, what do you say we get the fuck home and eat some decent food. I wouldn’t feed my dog the shit we’ve eaten the last few days.”

“You have a dog?”

“Nope, but if I did, I’d feed him better than we’ve been eating.”

She laughed. “Can’t argue with that. What’s for supper?”

He glanced in the mirror again as he pulled onto the county road leading away from the airfield. “It’s a perfect evening. I was thinking about grilling some steaks on the back patio and counting fireflies over the pond.”

She closed her eyes and grabbed the image he described. It was so perfect it made her ache. “I’d like that,” she said softly. “I’d like it a lot.”

“Don’t think we’ve forgotten about the hospital bit. Just in case you got your hopes up.”

She scowled and he chuckled back at her.

“I convinced Steele that dragging you now wouldn’t accomplish anything other than making you more cranky than you already are. I promised him I’d get you to Fort Campbell tomorrow morning first thing but that tonight I was going to get you to relax and enjoy a good meal.”

She was besieged by the awkward funny feeling in the pit of her stomach, the one that squeezed her heart and caused butterflies to flutter her insides. She hadn’t felt this silly since her first crush in junior high.

“Thanks, Cole. I appreciate it. I’ll feel much better about taking on Cathy tomorrow.”

His eyebrow rose in question. “Who’s Cathy?”

“My partner in crime,” P.J. hedged. “She’s the one who helped me fly the coop last time. I met her a couple years back. As much as we’re in and out of Fort Campbell, we ran into each other, started talking. She’s probably the closest thing I have to a friend.”

Cole frowned at that. “You have friends.”

P.J. smiled. “I meant girl friends. I don’t have any girl friends. Cathy’s older than I am, but she’s great. She even gives me shit about not respecting you navy guys enough. She’s former navy herself.”

“She gets a hooyah from me then. Although I’m going to have serious words with the woman about busting you out of the hospital. That was a stupid move.”

She didn’t respond to that one. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t. But at the time it was what she had to do. She couldn’t very well try to analyze her state of mind at the time because she was honest enough to know she had been a head case. Cathy knew it too, but she hadn’t tried to tell P.J. she was wrong, and for that she was appreciative.

No one had broached the subject of seeing a shrink yet. She was just waiting for it. She knew the wives of the Kelly men, and even Rio’s wife, Grace, had been through some heavy shit. She respected them for it. They weren’t shrinking violets for women. They knew how to kick ass in their own way.

Shea especially had P.J.’s deep respect, and P.J. suspected that she and Nathan’s wife could be friends if they ever hung around each other long enough. Shea had taken a lot of pain and torture on Nathan’s behalf. She’d helped him survive hell and was the sole reason that he was home with his brothers after spending months imprisoned in the Middle East.

She doubted she’d ever fit into the Kelly inner circle. That was reserved for their wives, and the Kellys were fiercely protective of them. But did she want to? Had she reached a point in her life where she wanted to fit in somewhere and have a network of friends to lean on for support?

Months before she would have said emphatically no. She liked her life the way it was. She did her job, she went home, no one bothered her.

But how much of that was a product of what had happened on her S.W.A.T. team? She had to admit, she’d been pretty young and idealistic when she’d landed a spot on the team. Not only had she been the first woman, but she’d also been the youngest recruit ever for her particular team.

She’d had to work twice as hard to earn the same respect as the men, and she thought she’d gotten there. She thought she had their loyalty. She’d been more crushed than she wanted to admit at the time. When she’d realized how naïve and just how wrong she’d been, it had been humiliating.

When she’d hired on for Steele’s team, she’d gone in expecting the worst and she trained accordingly. Gradually she’d relaxed, but she’d never let her guard completely down. Not like she’d done with her S.W.A.T. team. She’d assumed way too much with them, and she was determined not to make the same mistake again.