“No!” Caroline cried. “Not for years. Before, with Brad—oh god, if you knew how hard Dane has struggled, how far she has come.”

“Don’t you think I want to know?” Kyle shouted, her voice breaking at last. “Caroline, I have to know. For a moment she lets me close and then she’s gone. I can’t even hold her now! She’s lying in there, her body is battered beyond knowing. What must her heart be like? Don’t you realize I have to know?” Kyle closed her eyes then, the tears she had held back for hours burning hot trails down her cheeks. She saw Dane again in her mind and sobbed. “Oh god, Caroline. Please help me!”

Caroline wrapped her arms around Kyle’s shoulders, rocking her like a child. “Come on, Kyle, come into the den. We’ll talk.”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

CAROLINE SPOKE SOFTLY, taking Kyle back in time. “Dane first began to explore sexual alternatives—S/M relationships—about ten years ago. It wasn’t nearly as easy to do then as it is now. It was mostly the men who were into it. Most lesbians were very prejudiced against any woman who wanted to redefine her sexual boundaries and polarize roles. I don’t have to tell you the arguments that any role is oppressive to women and an extension of the male-power structure. None of that stopped Dane. She did a lot of experimenting with heavy roles in the early days—there wasn’t much else to do. She met Brad because of the dogs. Dane had some experience with show dogs because her family had been into it. Brad owned a small kennel and Dane started working there. That’s how she and Brad finally got together. I was teaching at Brewster, and I saw Dane fairly infrequently.”

Caroline noted Kyle’s surprise. “English literature. I don’t miss it a bit.” She poured them both some more scotch. “Anyhow, Dane and I would get together every few weeks or so, and she would talk to me about S/M, what it meant to her. I have to admit I was pretty opposed at first. I felt the way most people did—that one of the best things about being a lesbian was that we could redefine ourselves as equals. No more role designations, divisions or limitations. I saw any sort of polarization as a threat to our new-found freedom. We argued, I from an intellectual point of view—Dane from an emotional, gut level.” Caroline laughed sadly. “That’s always been one of the big differences between Dane and me. I can keep the world at a distance. Sometimes I can hide behind my own rationalizations. Dane just lets everything bounce into her and tries to take it all. She said she could feel something inside of her that wanted to get out, some need to get more in touch with her inner self through physical experiences. She thought that S/M would do that for her. She was into the pretty stereotypical thing at first—heavy leather, straight top or bottom roles, not much beyond limited sexual encounters. Even though her ideas weren’t very defined in the beginning, talking with her got me to look at my own feelings a little differently. I at least became a bit more supportive. Around this time she started seeing Brad pretty seriously. Brad was—well, she wasn’t much different than she is now. She’s a user of people. People to her are just tools for her amusement. I can’t figure her out, really, but I don’t think she feels, or cares about, anything. Of course, sadomasochism was a perfect outlet for Brad, especially when things were still so secretive —subterranean almost. She could play any game she designed, be completely in control. And Dane became her pawn.”

She paused and looked at Kyle. “Do you happen to have a cigarette? This is harder than I realized it would be.”

Kyle handed her one. “I’m grateful to you for telling me.”

Caroline shrugged. “Something’s got to be done about Dane. Maybe this will help.” She drew on the cigarette and coughed. “Just don’t tell Anne about this. She’ll kill me. I quit two years ago. Well, Dane and Brad got into a very heavy S/M relationship. Brad was the top, of course. I think the sex was pretty rough—Dane would never tell me much. She laughed grimly. “As often as I tried to get the details. Brad really controlled Dane’s life—their whole relationship was very role-directed. Brad delighted in having Dane at her total command—her own personal toy. She also had ways of keeping her control over Dane. Brad had a sideline in selling drugs. Made a big point of being clean herself, but she’d sell anything to anyone. She liked Dane to get high because it made her even more compliant. It strengthened Brad’s hold on her. It was infrequent at first, but in the last year they were together, it was pretty heavy. Dane was using regularly, and Brad kept her supplied.”

Kyle stood up in disgust and began to pace around the room. “I’m sorry, Caroline, I just don’t understand it. How could Dane do that to herself. How could she let someone do that to her? Maybe it is true what everyone says about S/M! Maybe we are all sick!”

Caroline shook her head. “You don’t have to be into power to do drugs, and you don’t need drugs to like S/M either. There are plenty of people who like S/M in bed, and who are just like everyone else the rest of the time. Sometimes fucked up, sometimes not. Certainly Dane can be self-destructive. It’s there in all of us really—maybe in some people more than others. I don’t know. I’d never call Dane weak, but sometimes it seems as if she just can’t bear her own feelings. I know she’s trying to block some kind of pain when she does this to herself. She’s trading the emotional pain for a physical pain she can live with—until this time.”

Kyle ached just thinking about what Dane must have suffered. “Go on,” she said hoarsely.

Caroline took a deep breath and studied Kyle carefully. “It must have been five years ago now, Brad began to get tired of her game with Dane. It had gotten too easy. Brad was bored. She became more cruel to Dane just for a little pleasure. This is not something Dane would ever tell you herself. She wouldn’t want you to know this. I don’t know if you understand enough about power roles yet, but Dane would feel that this knowledge of her would make her powerless in your eyes. In order to express our power needs, physically or emotionally, there has to be an understanding between two people. Power is given, not assumed. There can be no top without the consent, the belief in her, by the bottom. If the top doesn’t feel that the bottom believes in her dominance —in her power—then there can be none. It’s a fluctuating balance which is created by the two people who have agreed to participate. That’s why the roles are anything but rigid. Reversal is easy, if consent is mutual. Dane would never feel that you could believe in her, that you could grant her the power that she needs to express, if you knew the truth. Do you understand?”

Kyle nodded. “The very first time with Dane I knew that if I weren’t a part of what was happening, with her, that it couldn’t happen. But there’s more to her than just her sexuality! She’s also strong, tender, honest, and — vulnerable! I care about her for a lot more reasons than just sex.”

Caroline nodded, “I think you probably do. But you’ve got to remember that Dane needs to feel a certain way, especially with a lover. She may not always want to be actively involved in a power role, but she’s got to believe she can if she needs to. It’s part of who she is—and most importantly, it’s who she wants to be. If she feels she has lost that power with you, she’ll never let you close to her.”

“Tell me the rest,” Kyle said quietly.

“Brad took Dane to the ‘Encounters’—it’s a place—”

Kyle interrupted, “I’ve been there.”

“Dane was pretty drugged up, and things had been going badly with Brad for a long time. I think Dane was desperate to keep from losing Brad. I don’t know if she feared losing her drug connection or her connection to herself. At any rate, Brad decided that Dane needed to be punished. She didn’t really need a reason. ‘Encounters’ was the perfect showplace for Brad. It provided her with all the entertainment she required. It was crowded; people were ready for a scene. Everyone was interested in Brad and Dane. They were such an intriguing couple. At any rate, Brad strung her up naked on the center stage. She did it herself. No assistants. Chains, handcuffs, neck collar, the whole thing. She wanted to display her power and she did. She used a thin cat on Dane, one that inflicts a lot of pain but leaves very little mark. Dane wanted to please her, and I guess the drugs made it easier for Dane to take a lot of punishment. Brad beat her to her knees, and then she made her crawl. She told Dane she was done with her, that Dane wasn’t woman enough for her, that Dane couldn’t take it. Dane pleaded with her, humiliated herself in front of everyone. And Brad walked out. I don’t know who took Dane home, but someone finally had the sense to call me. I brought her to my place. I wasn’t very experienced. I didn’t know what to do for her. I made a mistake. I took her to the hospital. They put her in the drug de-tox center. It was bad. I’m surprised she ever forgave me for that.”

Caroline finished her drink and got up to search for another bottle. Kyle sat staring out the windows, noticing for the first time that the sky was beginning to lighten with the predawn glow. She lit another cigarette and stretched her cramped muscles.

She didn’t look up when Caroline returned.

“When she got out she finally called me. She was hollow. She seemed to echo with emptiness. She didn’t see anyone; she didn’t go out. She got a job working for a small-time breeder out in the valley— a small operation, but Dane was bright and she made contacts. Eventually she moved up and started her own line. By then, I was spending more time with her and had started handling. I found out I loved it. We started fantasizing about having our own business. Dane was consumed by the work. It was all she had to keep her straight. After a year or so, when we were just getting the kennel off the ground, Dane started to go out again. She never got involved; she never let anyone top her. But she was never like Brad. She never abused anyone or tried to humiliate them. She met Anne when Anne was just starting to come out. She was a gentle teacher. She was everything to Anne that Brad had never been to her. But she remained aloof. She never let Anne close to her. Anne spent a lot of time with us. I fell in love with her.” Caroline looked at Kyle, her eyes troubled. “Dane always said she didn’t mind—when Anne turned to me for the affection Dane couldn’t give her. I’ll never know for sure. I only knew I wanted Anne. Dane’s had other women, but never anyone more than a few weeks. She’s afraid. Afraid that if she loves someone she’ll lose herself again, like with Brad.”

“And what about this other thing—this punishment she inflicts on herself?” Kyle asked numbly.

Caroline shook her head. “It happens every so often. Usually when something really gets through to her. She’s generally so damned controlled! When she’s unable to deal with someone getting too close, or she wants someone to be close, she drives the feelings away with physical pain. I guess it’s easier for her that way.”

“And you think that’s healthy?” Kyle exclaimed. “My god, I could never do that to her. I can’t imagine how anyone could. If that’s the bottom line in this kind of relationship, there’s no way I could do it. I might enjoy possessing her, controlling her, even pushing her limits physically—but I could never do that to her.”

Caroline held up her hand. “Wait a minute, Kyle. What happens between Dane and this top is not the usual thing! There are always extremists, no matter what issue you’re dealing with. Some women enjoy physical punishment—usually within safe limits. For some, it heightens erotic pleasure, intensifies sexual experiences, but there are only a few who really like to get heavy about it. And they’re usually involved with someone they trust very much—someone who is experienced enough to know their own limitations and the needs of their partner. What goes on between Dane and this other woman is not ordinary. Whoever she is, she’s a true sadist. She must truly find pleasure in dominating Dane in such a brutal way. Until this time she’s been very careful. The punishment has been severe, but Dane has never been injured. Something went wrong this time. Someone lost control. I suspect it was Dane. If I only knew what happened,” Caroline said in frustration.

Kyle got up slowly and crossed to the windows. She watched the waves on the bay sparkle in the early morning sun.

“I know what happened,” she said, her eyes still fixed on the bay. “We were at the bar. Dane had set a scene. We were both very into it. Brad must have been watching us for a while. I never saw her until she came up to us. Suddenly, it was like I wasn’t there anymore. Something was happening, but it was between Brad and Dane. Dane told Brad to leave and Brad challenged her. She told Dane that Dane couldn’t stand up to her. She said —she said that Dane still wanted Brad to control her. Dane seemed to really freak out when Brad grabbed her arm. She turned pale, and suddenly she was gone! I didn’t know what the hell was going on.”