“Oh, give me a break, Nance!”

Nancy was suddenly serious. “Well, what is it about, then?”

“It’s about power, and how we use it.”

Nancy looked at her astutely. “You mean sexual power, like S/M? Right?”

“That’s part of it.”

“Are you serious about this thing?”

“I’m serious about finding out about it.”

Nancy turned back to her design. “Well, I suppose I’ll have other parties.”

Dane strode rapidly across the room, her voice tight, her back stiff with contained anger.

“There is no way, no way, that I’m going to some discussion group tonight!”

Caroline sighed resignedly and led the dog into the open crate.

“Why not?”

Dane turned toward her, blue eyes flashing.

“Because it’s always the same thing. A bunch of intellectuals sitting around discussing the ‘politics’ of power and what they think about it. It’s always what they think, never what they feel. It’s an academic discourse by people who are afraid to do more than just talk about it. And they always have such a superior attitude about anyone who actually does something to find out what it’s like.”

Caroline looked at her friend in surprise. The vehemence in her voice was startling. Dane was usually so cool.

“That’s not fair, Dane. Anne and I are going—and we do more than talk about it.”

“Good! You can be the guinea pigs, then.”

“How do you expect women to discover how they feel if no one who knows something will get it out in the open? It’s like refusing to talk to straights about being gay. Ignorance doesn’t go away by itself!” Caroline crossed her arms and sat down on the corner of the desk.

“Let them come to the bar, then, and see what it’s all about if that’s what they really want,” Dane persisted.

“Maybe they’re afraid to,” Caroline said quietly. “It’s as threatening to some of them to go to a leather bar as it used to be for all of us just to go to a regular gay bar. Just because you had to find out by yourself doesn’t mean it still has to be that way. Maybe you can help other women understand.”

Dane stared at Caroline. “I don’t feel like telling a bunch of strangers what I do in bed!”

Caroline looked at her in exasperation. “You don’t have to. But you could talk about why you do what you do in bed. Come on, Dane, what are you afraid of?”

“I’m not the one who’s afraid!”

“Then why not come?”

Dane sighed. “I’ll think about it, okay?”

Caroline smiled. “Okay.”

Kyle checked her reflection in the mirror for the tenth time. She couldn’t believe how nervous she was about going to this discussion group. She had participated in group sessions on lesbianism a few times and it was fine. Tonight she felt different. She was a newcomer, not at all certain what to expect, and she was afraid she would stand out. Still, she wanted to go. She wanted to know if other women were as affected as she had been by her brief exposure to sexual power roles. The memory of that night still elicited an intense longing whenever she thought of it. And she seemed to think of little else! Her denim-clad figure stared back at her from the glass, the same person that always stood there. But, tonight she seemed different even to herself. Who was that woman in there?

When she pulled her cycle in between several cars at the address the notice had given, she realized it was someone’s apartment. She hadn’t expected the meeting to be in somebody’s house. She hoped she wouldn’t be the only one there who didn’t know anyone. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

A young woman in a tee shirt and blue jeans opened the door when Kyle rang.

“Hi!” she said, smiling up at Kyle.

“Hi,” Kyle said, a little uncertain. “I saw this notice about a discussion group.”

“Right,” the woman said, extending her hand. “I’m Jean. Come on up.”

Kyle shook the shorter woman’s hand.

“Thanks, I’m Kyle. Uh—I guess I should tell you, I’m not sure I should be here. I mean, I don’t know much about it.”

The young woman laughed. “That’s the idea. No one will ask you anything. You can talk or just listen. It doesn’t matter.”

“Okay,” Kyle said, telling herself to relax.

Jean led her into a large living room where five or six women were already seated. To Kyle’s relief, they all looked like regular dykes to her, the kind of women you might meet in any bar. Several women looked over at her and nodded before returning to their conversations.

Kyle sat on the floor with her back against a couch and surreptitiously took stock of the other women. There was a wide age range, and they were all dressed casually. Blue jeans and leather boots abounded, and she could see a few leather wristbands, mostly on the right. A few more women came in, one carrying several six-packs of beer.

“Hi, everyone. I’m Diane. Help yourself to the beer.” She passed the bottles around and seated herself next to Jean. She looked around the room for a moment, and then began.

“There used to be a group in the area, some of you may have heard of it, which was started by some women who were interested in exploring alternative ways of relating to each other. Not everyone was gay, but everyone was interested in the exchange of power.”

“You mean S/M, don’t you?” one woman asked.

Diane nodded. “Basically, yes. Except that term is sort of limiting, because not everyone has the same ideas about it. Some women take it to mean B/D - bondage and discipline, some see it as rigid master/slave roles, while others mean only a polarity of power specifically around sex. There are lots of different ways of expressing power in a relationship, which is what we’re here to talk about.” She laughed. “Which is as good a place to start as any, I guess. Before we talk about specifics, I think we should find out how we see the central issue—power.”

Kyle was intrigued to hear the differing opinions that the women in the group had about the role of power in relationships. At first it seemed as if everyone had a different idea, but as the discussion grew, it became clear that everyone agreed on one thing. All relationships were based on some kind of exchange of power, no matter what you called it. Sometimes it was very subtle, like who made the first move in lovemaking, while in other relationships, it was more obvious and often based on sexual roles. Kyle tried to sort out her thoughts as the conversation flowed back and forth. It was obvious that some of the women had more experience than others, and she noticed two women sitting across from her who seemed to have thought a lot about it. They talked easily about their own relationship and how they perceived the exchange of power in their own lives.

Kyle listened with interest as the older of the two responded to someone’s comment that too much emphasis was placed on sex by ‘power-oriented’ women.

“Sexual feelings are a much bigger part of any relationship than most women care to admit. It’s not just how you make love, or how often, but how you react physically to everything around you. Appreciating the way your lover looks in leather is sexual. Fantasizing about strangers in the subway is sexual. Feeling strong when you wear boots is sexual. Those feelings are there all day long; it’s just that we don’t call them sexual.”

“Are you saying that women aren’t sexual enough?” Kyle asked, intrigued by the woman’s train of thought.

Caroline smiled at Kyle, who had been silent up until now.

“I’m saying that women are much more sexual, naturally physical, than we appreciate because we put too much emphasis on definitions. And our definition of sexual is very narrow. If we don’t call something by a particular term, then it can’t be. We end up limiting ourselves!”

Other women began talking, and Kyle found she was rapidly acquiring more questions than answers. Nevertheless, as she listened she felt she was making contact with an important part of herself. She was amazed when Diane said it was after eleven and time to wrap it up. Kyle was disappointed that the evening was ending. Most of the women agreed to meet again, and Kyle made note of the date.

She found herself following the couple who had been across from her all evening down the stairs.

“Hi,” she said, catching up to them on the street. “I really liked what you two had to say tonight.”

Anne turned toward her, smiling. “It’s a start. I’m Anne, by the way. And this is Caroline.”

Kyle nodded to both of them and then stopped in front of her motorcycle. They stopped with her, apparently in no great hurry.

“I’m glad that women want to get together and talk about it,” Kyle said.

Caroline laughed and slid her arm around Anne’s waist. “Some of us even like to do more than talk about it.”

Kyle grinned. “I got that impression.”

“We’re going to the bar for a while. Are you?” Caroline asked.

“I was thinking about it,” Kyle replied. “I’m still not sure what this all means for me.”

Caroline shook her head. “Relax! It’s just a bar. Besides, the only way to find out about anything is to go find out.”

“Don’t get her started!” Anne said affectionately. “Really, though, Kyle, you can meet us there. It’s nothing heavy. We can all have a beer or something.”

She didn’t have any reason to rush home, and she agreed to meet them at ‘Leathers’. As she started her motorcycle and buckled on her helmet, she admitted to herself that she was hoping to run into someone else there tonight.

Anne and Caroline were just getting out of their car as Kyle pulled up on her cycle, and they walked over to meet her.

“Have you been here before?” Caroline asked.

“Once. A month or so ago,” Kyle replied.

“And—?”

Kyle shrugged a little sheepishly. “I had a great time.”

Caroline looked as if she was about to ask another question, but Anne tugged her arm.

“Come on, hon. Don’t put her on the spot,” Anne chided gently.

Kyle laughed and Caroline joined in.

“She’s right,” Caroline said as they walked toward the door. “I never know when to quit. It’s just that I’m really interested in how women feel about the whole thing.”

Kyle nodded as she paid her cover charge. “That’s okay. I feel the same way. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have come to the group tonight.”

They bought drinks and claimed one of the few unoccupied tables. Kyle looked around at the many women already there but saw no one she recognized. She had a fleeting wave of disappointment, but, at the same time, the old excitement returned. Her pulse stirred just being there.

“How come you went to the discussion group?” Kyle asked as they relaxed with their drinks.

“What do you mean?” Caroline replied.

“Well, you obviously know pretty much how you feel. I mean, you’re not newcomers to these ideas. Why bother?”

Anne looked at Caroline. “I think it’s because we still have things to learn about our own relationship, and ourselves. Sometimes sharing ideas with other women makes us see ourselves in a different light. And sometimes, it helps us to change things in our own lives.”

Caroline nodded. “It’s like we’re always exploring new parts of our life together. How about you?” she continued. “Did it help?”

Kyle thought about it for a moment. “Everything is new to me. I feel like I’m coming out all over again. I haven’t thought much about my own life for a long time. I never thought about whether I liked the way my life has worked out.” She fell silent, surprised at her statement.

Anne and Caroline both nodded in agreement. Suddenly Anne turned to her lover.

“Are you ready to dance with me yet?”

Caroline laughed. “Sure.”

Kyle watched them for a moment as they made their way through the growing crowd to the dance floor, and then returned to her beer. She was still thinking about the things she had heard earlier when a voice at her elbow startled her back to the present.

“Back again, huh?”

Kyle looked up into Dane’s face, quite near as she bent over their table. She looked as good as Kyle remembered, only tonight she was dressed in full leathers, from her pants to the sleeveless vest that covered her otherwise bare chest.

“Hello. Yes, I’m back.” Her voice was suddenly dry, and she hoped she wasn’t grinning like a fool. It was hard to hide her excitement at suddenly seeing her again.

Dane sat down in an empty chair next to Kyle. She drained her glass and set it in front of her, absently making patterns out of the wet rings it left on the tabletop.

“This your first time back?” Dane finally said. Have you found other lovers? Has someone else touched you the way I did?

“Yes,” Kyle said, watching Dane carefully. She seemed so distant; Kyle wasn’t sure how to approach her.