Sophie Kinsella - Shopaholic Takes Manhattan

I look forward to hearing from you.

With kind regards,

Marion Jefferson (Mrs.)

P.S. If not the queen, then maybe Prince Philip?

AFTER A WEEK, I give up on hearing anything from Michael. Whatever he’s said to Luke, I’m never going to hear about it. I feel as though that whole part of my life is over. Luke, America, television, everything. Time to start again.

I’m trying to keep positive, and tell myself I’ve lots of avenues open to me. But what is the next career move for an ex— television financial expert? I rang up a television agent, and to my dismay, she sounded exactly like all those TV people in America. She said she was thrilled to hear from me, she’d have absolutely no problem finding me work — if not my own series — and that she’d ring back that day with lots of exciting news. I haven’t heard from her since.

So now I’m reduced to looking through the Media Guardian, looking for jobs I might just have half a chance of getting. So far, I’ve ringed a staff writer job on Investor’s Chronicle, an assistant editorship of Personal Investment Periodical, and editor of Annuities Today. I don’t know much about annuities, but I can always quickly read a book about it.

“How are you doing?” says Suze, coming into the room with a bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes.

“Fine,” I say, trying to raise a smile. “I’ll get there.” Suze takes a mouthful of cereal and eyes me thoughtfully.

“What have you got planned for today?”

“Nothing much,” I say morosely. “You know — just trying to get a job. Sort out my mess of a life. That kind of thing.”

“Oh right.” Suze pulls a sympathetic face. “Have you found anything interesting yet?”

I flick my fingers toward a ringed advertisement.

“I thought I’d go for editor of Annuities Today. The right candidate may also be considered for editorship of the annual Tax Rebate supplement!”

“Really?” She involuntarily pulls a face — then hastily adds, “I mean… that sounds good! Really interesting!”

“Tax rebates? Suze, please.”

“Well — you know. Relatively speaking.”

I rest my head on my knees and stare at the sitting-room carpet. The sound on the television has been turned down, and there’s silence in the room apart from Suze munching. I close my eyes and slump down farther on the floor, until my head’s resting on the sofa seat. I feel as though I could stay here for the rest of my life.

“Bex, I’m worried about you,” says Suze. “You haven’t been out for days. What else are you planning to do today?”

I open my eyes briefly and see her peering anxiously down at me.

“Dunno. Watch Morning Coffee.”

“You are not watching Morning Coffee!” says Suze firmly. “Come on.” She closes the Media Guardian. “I’ve had a really good idea.”

“What?” I say suspiciously as she drags me to my room. She swings open the door, leads me inside, and spreads her arms around, gesturing to the mess everywhere.

“I think you should spend the morning decluttering.”

“What?” I stare at her in horror. “I don’t want to declutter.”

“Yes, you do! Honestly, you’ll feel so great, like I did. It was brilliant! I felt so good afterward.”

“Yes, and you had no clothes! You had to borrow knickers from me for three weeks!”

“Well, OK,” she concedes. “Maybe I went a bit too far. But the point is, it completely transforms your life.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“It does! It’s feng shui! You have to let things out of your life to allow the new good things in.”

“Yeah, right.”

“It’s true! The moment I decluttered, I got Hadleys phoning me up with an offer. Come on, Bex… Just a little bit of decluttering would do you a world of good.”

She throws open my wardrobe and begins to leaf through my clothes.

“I mean, look at this,” she says, pulling out a blue fringed suede skirt. “When did you last wear that?”

“Erm… quite recently,” I say, crossing my fingers behind my back. I bought that skirt off a stall in the Portobello Road without trying it on — and when I got it home it was too small. But you never know, I might lose loads of weight one day.

“And these… and these…” She gives an incredulous frown. “Blimey, Bex, how many pairs of black trousers have you got?”

“Only one! Two, maybe.”

“Four… five… six…” She’s leafing through the hangers, sternly plucking out pairs of trousers.

“Those ones are just for when I feel fat,” I say defensively as she pulls out my comfy old Benetton boot-cuts. “And those are jeans!” I exclaim as she starts rooting around at the bottom. “Jeans don’t count as trousers!”

“Says who?”

“Says everybody! It’s common knowledge!”

“Ten… eleven…”

“Yeah… and those are for skiing! They’re a completely different thing! They’re sportswear.” Suze turns to look at me.

“Bex, you’ve never been skiing.”

“I know,” I say after a short silence. “But… you know. Just in case I ever get asked. And they were on sale.”

“And what’s this?” She picks up my fencing mask gingerly. “This could go straight in the bin.”

“I’m taking up fencing!” I say indignantly. “I’m going to be Catherine Zeta-Jones’s stunt double!”

“I don’t even understand how you can fit all this stuff in here. Don’t you ever chuck things out?” She picks up a pair of shoes decorated with shells. “I mean, these. Do you ever wear these anymore?”

“Well… no.” I see her expression. “But that’s not the point. If I did chuck them out, then shells would come back in the next day — and I’d have to buy a new pair. So this is like… insurance.”

“Shells are never going to come back in.”

“They might! It’s like the weather. You just can’t tell.”

Suze shakes her head, and picks her way over the piles of stuff on the floor toward the door. “I’m giving you two hours and when I come back I want to see a transformed room. Transformed room — transformed life. Now start!”

She disappears out of the room and I sit on my bed, staring disconsolately around at my room.

Well, OK, maybe she does have a point. Maybe I should have a little tidy-up. But I don’t even know where to start. I mean, if I start throwing things out just because I never wear them — where will I stop? I’ll end up with nothing.

And it’s all so hard. It’s all so much effort.

I pick up a jumper, look at it for a few seconds, then put it down again. Just the thought of trying to decide whether to keep it or not exhausts me.

“How are you doing?” comes Suze’s voice from outside the door.

“Fine!” I call back brightly. “Really good!”

Come on, I’ve got to do something. OK, maybe I should start in one corner, and work my way round. I pick my way to the corner of my room, where a heap of stuff is teetering on my dressing table, and try to work out what everything is. There’s all that office equipment I ordered off the Internet… There’s that wooden bowl I bought ages ago because it was in Elle Decoration (and then saw exactly the same one in Woolworth’s)… a tie-dye kit… some sea salt for doing body rubs… What is all this stuff, anyway? What’s this box which I haven’t even opened?

I open up the package and stare at a fifty-meter roll of turkey foil. Turkey foil? Why would I buy that? Was I once planning to cook a turkey? Puzzledly I reach for the letter on top, and see the words, “Welcome to the world of Country Ways. We’re so pleased your good friend, Mrs. Jane Bloomwood, recommended our catalogue to you…”

Oh God, of course. It’s just that stuff Mum ordered to get her free gift. A casserole dish, some turkey foil… some of those plastic bags she was stuffing patio cushions into… some weird gadget for putting in the…

Hang on.

Just hang on a minute. I drop the gadget and slowly reach for the plastic bags again. A woman with a dodgy blond haircut is staring proudly at me over a shrink-wrapped duvet, and a bubble from her mouth reads, “With up to 75 percent reduction, I have so much more room in my closet now!”

Cautiously I open my door, and tiptoe along to the broom cupboard. As I pass the sitting room I look in — and to my astonishment Suze is sitting on the sofa with Tarquin, talking earnestly.

“Tarquin!” I say, and both their heads jerk up guiltily. “I didn’t hear you arrive.”

“Hello, Becky,” he says, not meeting my eye.

“We just had to… talk about something,” says Suze, giving me an embarrassed look. “Have you finished?”

“Erm… nearly,” I say. “I just thought I’d hoover my room. To make it look really good!”

I shut my door behind me, and pull the bags out of their packaging. Right. This should be nice and easy. Just stuff them full, and suck out the air. Ten sweaters per bag, it says — but frankly, who’s going to count?

I start to stuff clothes into the first bag, until it’s as tightly packed as I can get it. Panting with effort, I close the plastic zip — then attach the hoover nozzle to the hole. And I don’t believe this. It works. It works! Before my eyes, my clothes are shrinking away into nothing!

Oh, this is fantastic. This is going to revolutionize my life! Why on earth declutter when you can just shrink-wrap?

There are eight bags in all — and when they’re all full, I cram them all into my wardrobe and close the door. It’s a bit of a tight squash — and I can hear a bit of a hissing sound as I force the door shut — but the point is, they’re in. They’re contained.

And just look at my room now! It’s incredible! OK, it’s not exactly immaculate — but it’s so much better than it was before. I quickly shove a few stray items under my duvet, arrange some cushions on top, and stand back. As I look around, I feel all warm and proud of myself. I’ve never seen my room look so good before. And Suze is right — I do feel different, somehow.

You know, maybe feng shui’s got something to it after all. Maybe this is the turning point. My life will be transformed from now on.

I take one final admiring look at it, then call out of the door, “I’m done!”

As Suze comes to the door I perch smugly on the bed and beam at her astounded expression.

“Bex, this is fantastic!” she says, peering disbelievingly around the cleared space. “And you’re so quick! It took me ages to sort all my stuff out!”

“Well, you know.” I shrug nonchalantly. “Once I decide to do something, I do it.”

She takes a few steps in, and looks in astonishment at my dressing table.

“I never knew that dressing table had a marble top!”

“I know!” I say proudly. “It’s quite nice, isn’t it?”

“But where’s all the rubbish? Where are the bin bags?”

“They’re… I’ve already got rid of them.”

“So did you chuck loads out?” she says, wandering over to the almost-empty mantelpiece. “You must have done!”

“A… a fair amount,” I say evasively. “You know. I was quite ruthless in the end.”

“I’m so impressed!” She pauses in front of the wardrobe, and I stare at her, suddenly nervous.

Don’t open it, I pray silently. Just don’t open it.

“Have you got anything left?” she says, with a grin, and pulls open the door of the wardrobe. And we both scream.

It’s like a nail-bomb explosion.

Except, instead of nails, it’s clothes.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did wrong. But one of the bags bursts open, showering jumpers everywhere, and pushing all the other bags out. Then another one bursts open, and another one. It’s a clothes storm. Suze is completely covered in stretchy tops. A sequinned skirt lands on the light shade. A bra shoots across the room and hits the window. Suze is half-shrieking and half-laughing, and I’m flapping my arms madly and yelling, “Stop! Stop!”

And oh no.

Oh no. Please stop. Please.

But it’s too late. Now a cascade of gift-shop carrier bags is tumbling down from their hiding place on the top shelf. One after another, out into the daylight. They’re hitting Suze on the head, landing on the floor, and spilling open — and revealing the same contents in each. Gray sparkly boxes with a silver S C-S scrawled on the front.

About forty of them.

“What…” Suze pulls a T-shirt off her head and stares at them, open-mouthed. “Where on earth did you…” She scrabbles among the clothes littering the floor, picks up one of the boxes, and pulls it open and stares in silence. There, wrapped in turquoise tissue paper, is a photo frame made out of tan leather.

Oh God. Oh God.