I didn’t know how long I’d been soaking myself in the winelike music when frantic knockings on the door woke me from my dreamlike state. Was it Keku for a chat, or a neighbor to borrow condiments? I hurried to the door.

“Keku?”

I swung open the door and saw the face that had been forcefully pushed out of my mind, yet equally missed.

“Lily, please let me in.”

“Alex, how come you’re still here?”

“Sorry, it’s too cold camping out there tonight, so can I stay with you for just a short while before I find a place?” he said, tightening the jacket around his chest with his trembling hands.

“Of course you can.” I let him in, then closed the door.

“Trust me, Lily”—Alex put down his heavy backpack on the floor—“I won’t… disturb you.”

I almost chuckled at his boyish seriousness, but I kept my cool, even if only on the surface. “Alex, it’s bitter cold out there and I’m not a monster. Stay as long as you want.”

I immediately regretted what I’d said, realizing what this might possibly lead to. I really shouldn’t betray Chris, and so fast! But could I refuse a young man who might freeze to death in a ghost-infested graveyard into my home?

Studying his face, I envisioned what would soon happen as sadness rose inside me.

I snatched my blanket and threw it to him. “Take a seat and wrap this around you. I’ll fix tea.”

I turned down the boom box’s volume, poured water in a pot, and placed it on the gas stove, then started a fire.

Alex’s voice sneaked its way into my ears. “Lily, I really like your place. I’ve never seen something so cozy and beautiful in a desert.”

“Thanks. You’ve been to many houses in the desert?” I cast him a sidelong glance. His face, looking so happy and sad at the same time, tugged at my heart.

When the water was boiling, I dropped in a tea bag, let it brew for a minute, then handed it to my first desert visitor, or intruder, together with a piece of bread with jam.

Alex started to eat and drink ravenously. Poor thing, he must be starving. The bread was a two-day-old leftover, but he ate it with as much relish as if it were a freshly baked French baguette.

“Alex, there’s more food if you want. I just stocked up from the market today.”

“Tell me what you have, and I can cook you a nice meal.” His face rose from the steaming cup, now looking refreshed and spirited.

“Can you cook, too?” The “too,” of course, referred to Chris. I was sure he already understood, this smart kid.

“Of course. I’ve been cooking and taking care of myself since I was ten. What do you have?”

“Salted meat, sausage, herbs, potatoes, onions, canned fish, packaged soup…”

“That’s good enough. Trust me, it’ll be a nice dinner.”


That night, after a very satisfying meal, we made love for the first time. I felt I should give him warmth and love, which he had obviously been hungry for for a very long time. The simple fact was, I did find him attractive. I was beginning to think that the moment our eyes had met, witnessed by the ancient warriors, our fate was linked. Try as I might to blind myself to what was happening, I couldn’t hide from heaven’s all-seeing eyes.

Unlike Chris, who was like a panther filled with masculine energy and could be rough when he felt like it, Alex was very gentle to me as if I were a virgin whose body was shyly covered, or revealed, by silk. His tongue was tentative and his hands were careful to please my body but not hurt it. However, his lack of experience didn’t hinder his passion. He embraced me like a giant octopus, tentacles reaching for every nook and cranny of my writhing body.

When he came, he screamed with abandon, which pleased me tremendously. Zeal, infatuation, longing, desire, hunger, youthful energy, and sadness—all seemed expressed in this long, heaven-shattering scream. A scream with emotion so raw, so rich, and so complex that I was both stunned and moved. Had he experienced so much suffering in his twenty-one years of existence? Wondering, tears swelled in my eyes as I cuddled close to my desert lover.

Alex tousled my hair with his gentle hand; like vintage wine, his voice poured and spread in the dark. “Lily, now our lives and souls are linked together forever.”

I didn’t respond; I didn’t have an answer for that now, or for the future.

He added, “From now on, I will not live without you.”

“Alex, I think you’re too young to know what you really want in life.”

“Wrong, I know exactly what I want since I began to take care of myself at ten.”

I sighed. “Hai… Alex, relax. Let’s just live in the moment, at least for the time being, all right? I really don’t know what’s going to happen in six months,” I said, thinking of myself and my elusive three million dollars—like the rabbit forever in front of the greyhounds.

Alex was silent, seemingly deep in thought. Involuntarily my lips went to search his. He took my face in his hands, kissed my forehead, my eyes, my nose, my cheeks, my lips. “I’ll take very good care of you and do anything to protect you and make you happy.”

I didn’t respond, but looked out the window at the huge yellow moon resembling a womb as pregnant as my heart, together with the few stars scattered over the sky like diamonds displayed on a black velvet cloth.

When I turned back, Alex was already asleep, so I studied him under the moonlight streaming in from the window. Although he had only experienced the wind and dust of this world for twenty-one years, his face held something spiritual that possessed the power to calm. Who was this young man? In the silence I became aware of the ticking of my clock. And I knew that when enough time had passed, the answer, right or wrong, happy or sad, real or illusory, would eventually emerge.

Alex stirred, muttering in his half-dream state, “Lily, next time let’s make love in the desert.”

“But aren’t we now living in the desert? Alex, you’re tired, go back to sleep.”

He flipped me so his whole body was cupping mine from behind. “I mean we’ll go out to the desert in the evening and make love in the moonlight.”

“Then we’ll be frozen into two sand pillars.”

“Shhh…” Alex covered my mouth with his long fingers. “Don’t say ominous things like that. Let’s do it at sunrise, then.”


The following morning, when it was warm outside and the sun still hiding behind dunes, Alex came up to embrace me from behind, starting to take off my clothes, then his.

“What are you doing?”

“We’ll go outside.”

“Then we should get dressed.”

“Lily, I’ve been longing to make love with you in the desert for a long time. Now it’s warm and balmy, so let’s go,” he said, pushing me toward the door.

We were both completely naked, our clothes two crumpled masses on the floor.

“Are you out of your mind?”

“In nature, shouldn’t we go natural?”

He cast me a “Don’t pretend, you know exactly what I mean” wink, then swung open the door and pulled me outside.

I could’ve never imagined myself doing this in the desert with a man eight years my junior.

The sky was a dark gray with patches of Prussian blue and reddish brown. Like a private eye or a drug-sniffing dog, I looked around suspiciously, making sure no one was up and about this early. Then, feeling relaxed that Alex and I were the only ones who existed in the whole universe, hand-in-hand we dashed toward the tallest sand dune. Facing the emerging dim light, we stood holding and kissing each other for an eternity. After that, we lay our naked bodies on the sand, now turning a pinkish gold under rays of the awaking sun.

Alex wrapped me tightly in his protective arms, and we started to roll. It was a strange feeling. Above, a few lingering stars alternatively appeared and disappeared, like a string of spinning pearls teasing us to chase them. We rolled I didn’t know how long till we felt exhausted, and completely relaxed. Without a word, Alex started to kiss me, my face, my eyes, my lips, my neck, my nipples, my navel…. His tongue and lips slowly worked their way down until heat rose between my legs and I felt my whole body on fire.

Now I was covered with sand, and so was my young lover. Alex vehemently spit out the grit, then, with equal vehemence, tried to kiss the valley between my legs. I couldn’t help but smile at the comical sight. But more sand had come between his fiery desire and my deep, mysterious valley. Undeterred, he spit, then kissed again. I moaned and squirmed on the warm, grainy earth. My nails, like small insects, bit deeply into his bare shoulders painted golden brown by the virginal sunlight.

There was no wind, but the sand was still shifting, ever so slightly, making me dizzy with ecstasy. I realized that right here and now Alex and I were all alone, except the sky above, the sand beneath, and a few agonizingly twisted branches bridging the two in the distant horizon.

When Alex entered me, a few exotic birds flapped and flew with a mischievous Sqwwwwwk! seemingly approving my love while dissipating my hesitation to love. I noticed another one flapping and moving to and fro impatiently, as if trying very hard to get the same message through. I felt that not only my eyes but my entire body was crying. This experience of making love in the desert deepened my love, not only for Alex but for the whole universe and its cosmic energy to which I now felt so deeply connected.

Under heaven and above earth, amidst the singing sands and chirping birds, we had no one but each other. I thanked God for granting me this moment during which I felt so privileged to embrace the deepest mysteries and profoundest connection between a man and a woman from the beginning of time.

Finally, my young lover came with a howl. I truly believed that heaven could hear his love, this selfless passion and compassion of a man for a woman. So simple and innocent in the desert, yet so complicated and scheming in the civilized world. The sand responded by trembling beneath us, the dunes by echoing his “Ahhh… ahhh… ahhh…” like an undying mantra.

While Alex was still thrusting on top of me, I stifled an emotional cry and let out an animal one, followed by another, yet another. The feminine hollow between the dunes seemingly approved of our love through the sand’s continued singing and shifting as if in a cosmic dance.

After lovemaking, we relaxed on the sand, quietly holding each other and silently staring at the gradually illuminating mysteries above.

I remembered one time when I saw a picture of a naked woman lying in a meadow on clumps of blossoms. I thought no bed—even one with gold pillars and covered with the most expensive, hand-embroidered sheets—could compare with this bed of nature. Only the green grass, pink blossoms, and blue sky could bring out such unfathomable beauty, primitive femininity, and erotic spirituality of a woman. Now in the desert, the singing golden sand, the pink blushing of the waking sun, and the smoke-pale sky, what would that bring out in me?

I wished a professional photographer were here to take pictures.

But Alex and my love were witnessed by heaven and earth.

I turned to my lover and touched his face. “Alex?”

“Yes, my love?”

“You like this?”

“Of course! Actually I’m afraid that from now on I’ll become an addict.”

“You serious?”

“Yes!”

The echoes “Yes! Yes! Yes!…” came in rounds in the near and far distance, in this world and the other.

I chided. “Shhh… Alex, you shouldn’t wake up the mountains or the valleys. They’re also entitled to a good sleep.”

He turned to look at me, his eyes twinkling mischievously, just like the birds when they’d witnessed our enacting the passion between a man and a woman. “Oh, I think they’ve been awake the whole time to eavesdrop and peep at us shamelessly. And you know what?”

“What?”

“Now my addiction…”

I pretended not to understand. “What addiction?”

“I want you again, my love.”

“So fast?”

“Don’t you always remind me that I’m only twenty-one years old? So, that’s how a twenty-one-year-old man behaves….” Having said that, he lunged on top of me like a relentless tiger on his helpless prey.


From that day on, Alex and I lived together as lovers. It was that simple. And that complicated. Chris was guiltily, regretfully out of sight, out of mind. Or was he?

Many times I woke up in the middle of the night with Alex sound asleep next to me. Against the omnipresent silence in this deep womb of darkness, his soft breathing, the ticking of my clock, and the singing of the distant sand were all I needed and cared about.