J suddenly pushed me away and raked his hand through his hair, looking utterly torn.  “Fuck!” he sputtered.

I was still trying to get my wits about me; my brain was scrambled from that kiss, and I was confused about what Nash had said.  I looked J dead in the eyes and demanded, “What did Nash mean by that?”

“Exactly what he fucking said, babe.”

I scrunched my eyebrows together, still not getting it, “You still want me?”

“Jesus, how many other ways do you need it said?  I never stopped wanting you,” he replied in a gruff voice.

I threw my hands up in the air.  “Well, why the fuck did you tell me to leave?” I yelled, starting to get angry.

“You needed to get out, get away from the club and all the shit that had gone down.  You needed to deal with your drinking and I thought you could do that better somewhere else.”

“No!  You don’t get to say that.  That’s a load of shit, J.  Tell me the real fucking reason,” I demanded.  Deep down, I knew there had to be more to this, I always had but it was easier just to let it sit there in my subconscious rather than trying to work it out.

He was exasperated by my outburst and I momentarily wondered if I had pushed him too far.  “I had to.  The club... “ he was pacing wildly now, “The club needed you gone.”

“What?”  I held my breath, waiting for his explanation.  None of this was making a lot of sense to me.

He stopped pacing and fixed pained eyes on me; he was calmer now too, like he had settled something in his mind.  “Baby, you need to know that I never wanted you to leave.  But after what happened with Nix, the club swore blood and we needed you gone to be able to do that.  There was no way Nix would give you up if you were still here so we arranged for that job with Gina and sent you away,” he came closer to me again and reached for my hand, holding it, “The only reason I told you that I didn’t love you anymore was to make sure you would leave.  I did it for your safety, you’ve gotta know that.  I did love you; I still fucking do.”

“No!  You said you didn’t want me.  I moved on!” I shouted, getting in his face.  I was really angry now.  How dare the club control my life like that, and how dare he give me up for the fucking club.

“Are you listening to me, Madison?  Did you hear me say...”

I cut him off and shoved at him, “It’s too fucking late, J.  You gave up on us, you took the club’s side like you always did.  I didn’t need revenge on Nix, I just needed out from him and I was out.”

J glowered at me and took a step back.  “Let’s get one thing straight, right now.  I did not give up on us.  And I did not fucking take the club’s side every time,” he thundered, “But babe, you’ve gotta understand that when the club rules like they did, I got no choice.”

I stabbed a finger at him, “And that right there, is the fucking problem!  We never had a chance with the club controlling us.”

“Madison, the club ruled and I followed through.  Jesus babe, you grew up in the club, you know how it works.  Our problems weren’t to do with the club.”

“Well the club had a lot to do with them.  The club, and its way of dealing with shit.”

He cocked his head to the side and studied me for a moment, “What exactly are we talking about now?” he asked, and I wished I had kept my mouth shut; I didn’t want to have this conversation today.

“J, this conversation is pointless...”

He came closer to me again, his breathing ragged and his face a picture of anger.  Bending down to meet my eyes he spat, “I fucking tell you that I still love you, and you tell me this conversation is pointless?”

And just like that, the anger seeped out of me and all I felt now was desire.  J had invaded my space and my senses again, and telling me he still loved me only heightened my craving for him.  I knew I needed to get out of here; I couldn’t think straight when he was this close, and right now I really needed to sort through my conflicting thoughts and feelings.

“I’m waiting for an answer, Madison.  Is this conversation pointless?”

“I don’t know, J, okay.  I need some time to think,” I finally answered him.

He stood up straight, his eyes intense and focused on mine.  He took a moment and then said, “I’ll give you some time.  But then we talk.  And babe, we will talk about every fucking thing we should have talked about two years ago.”

With that, he turned and left me alone; alone to contemplate the conversation that we would finally be having.  He was absolutely right.  There were things that should have been said all those years ago; things that I still found hard to even think about, let alone talk about.

Shit.

But first, I needed to sort out the mess of feelings I was having about J.  Why the fuck couldn’t life ever be easy?

Chapter 12

Madison

The day had passed fairly uneventfully after my run in with J.  He had left with Scott and some of the other guys to take care of something.  I wasn’t sure what it was they were doing but then again, I was never privy to that sort of information.  And, yeah, it pissed me off.  That was something that J never understood.  He never shared club business with me, unlike some of the other club members who talked stuff through with their old ladies.  I had wanted to be involved in J’s life fully and that meant club life as well.  I didn’t expect to be told everything, but to be told nothing kind of hurt.  It made me feel like I was only a part of some of J’s life.

I had hung out at the clubhouse for most of the morning, catching up with friends I hadn’t seen in years.  I loved that aspect of club life; the social side.  These were my people; I had grown up here and felt totally comfortable here.  I loved living in Coffs Harbour but there was something peaceful about coming home to where I was accepted and loved without reservation.

Now I was on my way to visit my Mum.  My parents lived about twenty minutes away so I had caught a lift with one of the guys.  As we pulled up to the house I was hit with the memories of growing up here.  Mum and Dad had given Scott and I a good life.  We had been surrounded by lots of love in the form of club family.  I remembered tons of get togethers with the boys and their families; parties, barbeques, you name it, my Mum was always organising something.  My Dad may have been the club president but my mother played a huge part in keeping it all together and running smoothly.  I didn’t know how aware she was of the day to day business of the club but I truly believed that she was the strong woman who stood behind my father and supported him in everything he did.

Sharon Cole was a woman that most people tried not to mess with.  She was a hard as nails, straight up, ballsy woman who loved fiercely, and lived and breathed Storm.  Her father had been a member of Storm, and she too had grown up in the life.  She had met my father when he joined the club and the rest is history.  They had been through a lot and had built Storm up to be the club it was today; a force to be reckoned with.  Storm had a reputation for getting the job done and it was a club that others didn’t fuck with, although that reputation had really only come about over the last few years.

Even though I hadn’t had much to do with Storm since I left two years ago, I had heard whisperings from friends about the lengths the club would now go to, to protect its business dealings, its members and their loved ones.  As much as I wasn’t aware of within the club, I wasn’t naive; I had seen enough to know there was a lot of violence involved, and it seemed that this had only intensified.  I had struggled with this when I dated J; he had sometimes come home bloodied and bruised, and when I asked about it he had told me it was club business and I didn’t need to know.  Thinking about my mother now, I wondered how she dealt with this side of Storm.  We had never talked about it but perhaps it was something I needed to ask her; perhaps learning how to deal with this would help me move past what had happened with Rob.

I never knew just what J was capable of until Rob.  I shuddered thinking about it but the thing was, I had to think about it.  I had pushed it to the deep recesses of my mind for too long now.  It had everything to do with why J and I broke up, so in order for me to start sorting through my feelings about him, I needed to work through this first.

* * *

“So, I hear you’re staying,” my Mum said as she made us coffee.  She had been happy to see me and I could hear the relief in her voice now.

I smiled; it was so good to see her.  “Yes,” I took a moment to get the words out right, “I haven’t wanted to come back because I wasn’t sure how I would cope with everything here.  I thought that seeing J again would he hard and to be honest, I was trying to get away from the club.  But you know what?  I think I’ve missed the club and even though he is pissing me off, I’m okay with being around J.”

She nodded, “You were in a pretty bad way when you left, Maddy, but I think you just needed that time away to get your head together.  It’s done you good, honey.”

“I want to stay so I can watch out for Crystal but being here with you now, I realise I’ve really missed you, even if you are overbearing sometimes,” I said with a cheeky smile.

Mum laughed, “I’ve been good lately, haven’t I?” she asked.

“Yeah, Mum, you have.  And I need you to let me do things my way if I’ve got any chance of starting over here and keeping my shit together.  Okay?”

She held up her hands.  “Okay, okay.  So, what’s your plan?  Do you want to move in here with us until you sort yourself out?  I know your father would love to have you here.”

“He’s got a funny way of showing it.  He bit my head off yesterday.”

“He is very stressed at the moment with what is happening with Nix.  Honey, he has been worried about you and yeah, pissed off with you.  He just wanted you home where he knew you were safe and all you did was fight it.  He and Scott have been constantly arguing about you and I’ve got to say, it’s been pretty hard living with him the last little while.  So, I am really happy you are home.”

“What do you mean they have been arguing about me?” I asked, having no clue what she could possibly mean.

“Your father would have just come and dragged you home, nothing would have stopped him.  But Scott stood up to him and argued that it had to be your decision.  He understands how hard it has been for you, and he was so proud of you for quitting drinking; he just didn’t want you to go backwards.”

Well, fuck me.  Scott was actually on my side.  News to me. “Men!  I can’t fucking work them out,” I said, totally exasperated with it all.

“Join the club, but I’ll tell you one thing, and you make sure you listen closely.  Scott and your father love you and will do anything for you.  This vendetta against Nix started after he beat you, and it has only gotten worse since then.  It has put a lot of pressure on Storm and they have copped that.  For you.  So, you need to cut them some slack and start working with them rather than against them.”

“The problem is that they never give me the full story.  You know what they are like...”

She cut me off, “Yes, I know exactly what they are like, Madison, but the difference between you and me is that I trust them.  I know in my gut that everything they are doing is for us and for the club.  I don’t need to know the details but you seem hell bent on having to know every little thing.  And you haven’t ever given them your complete trust.  Dare I say it, but I think that’s where a lot of your problems with J come from too; you didn’t trust him.”

“How can I trust any of them when they don’t trust me enough to tell me stuff?” I argued.

My mother sighed; that sigh I had grown up with that told me she was getting frustrated with me.  “Honey, it’s their way.  The club way.  It’s what their fathers did and their fathers before them probably; it’s all they’ve ever known and it is drilled into them when they join.  What happens in the club stays in the club.  And if you can’t live with that you should never date another member again.”

My natural reaction to all of this would normally be to continue arguing but I decided that perhaps it was time to start listening to my mother.  She had been living this life for a long time and knew what she was on about.  I had been fighting these ways for so long and it had gotten me nowhere.  So, I took a deep breath and asked her a question.  “How do you live with the shit that goes on?  How do you deal, knowing what Dad is capable of?”