Susan Mallery - Surrender in Silk

Jamie brushed her bangs off her forehead, then let them flutter back into place. Winston stared at the letter, read it once quickly, then motioned for her to take a seat. She did so reluctantly.

She’d never considered herself a coward, but right now she wanted to bolt from the room.

Winston looked up at her. His pale eyes gave nothing away. “You’re sure about this?” he asked.

She nodded. “I want to quit the agency.”

“Just like that.”

“You know I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”

He dropped the letter on the desk. “Jamie, you’re the best female operative this agency has ever had. You’re number three in the overall ranking. You don’t get that high up in the standings without a hell of a lot of hard work. Now you’re telling me you want to walk away from it?”

If she was number three, who were two and one? She had a feeling Zach took first place. He’d always been excellent. Funny, seven years ago Zach had warned her what would happen if she stayed with the agency. Now she faced that reality.

“I’m not sure I can explain it to you,” she said.

“Try.”

She leaned back in the chair and rested her hands on her lap. Once the mission ended, she’d changed back into jeans and a sweatshirt. Nothing stylish, despite being in the nation’s capital.

“I know eight different ways to kill a man. I shot one rescuing Zach.”

“I know. I read it in the debriefing report.”

“Did it mean anything?” she asked.

“What? That soldier’s death?”

She nodded.

“No. Why should it?”

“My point exactly.” She stared at him. “I killed someone. I took a life. Not my first, but certainly my last. I didn’t care when I shot him. I still don’t. But I can’t keep doing this. I can’t continue to be a mindless killing machine. I’ve got to find out what it’s like to be a normal person. I want to know how it feels to wake up in the same bed every day. To have a routine. I’m a woman with all the working parts of every other female walking this planet, but I’ve ignored that side of myself for years. I want something different. I want to find balance. I don’t know if I can, but I have to try.”

“There’s nothing I can say to change your mind?” he asked. “You’re not angling for a big raise?”

For the first time since finding Zach, she smiled. “It’s not my style.”

“You’re right, it’s not.” Winston picked up his pen and tapped it on the desk. “What will you do now?”

“Go home. Recover. Think.”

“You’re willing to walk away from everything you’ve trained for? You worked harder than any other operative, Jamie. This agency has meant a lot to you.”

“I know.” She drew in a deep breath. “I’ve thought about this on and off for a couple of years. I have to do whatever it takes to find my way back. I don’t want to end up chained in a foreign prison like Zach.”

“Zach lived.”

“You didn’t see him there, Winston. I did. That’s no life. It’s just surviving. What price did he pay for that?”

Winston glanced toward the window. Silence filled the room.

“That’s what it comes down to,” she said. “No one knows the price. And I’m not willing to pay it anymore.”

Zach listened to the steady drip-drip of the IV and tried not to think about anything but getting well. Even though he knew it was going to hurt, he shifted uncomfortably on the hospital bed. He’d spent three days drifting in and out of consciousness. Three days of people hovering over him, giving him injections, examining him-three days of slipping back into a drug-aided sleep.

He knew it was three days because the nurse had told him when she’d brought his lunch. He was still on a “clear” diet, which meant broth, a flavored gelatin and tea. Although he longed for real food, just getting the broth down was hard enough. He was going to have to wait a couple of days for steak.

“You’re awake.”

He turned toward the sound of the voice and saw Winston walk into the room. As always, his boss was impeccably dressed, from his lightly starched oxford shirt down to his shined wing tips.

Winston grinned as he moved closer. “You look pretty bad, Jones. But at least you’re alive. We weren’t sure there for a while.” He patted Zach’s shoulder. “Welcome home.”

Zach raised the bed so he was sitting up. “Thanks. It’s good to be back. How’s it going?” he asked, and was surprised when his voice came out scratchy.

“That’s my question.” Winston pulled up the cloth straight-back chair in the corner of the private room, then settled next to Zach. “I spoke to your doctor. She said you’ll live.”

“Comforting thought. Did she also say how long I’d be stuck here?”

Winston shook his head. “You’ve been awake, what-” he glanced at his watch “-maybe an hour, and you’re already trying to get out of the hospital? Slow down, Zach. You’re fighting several bad infections, not to mention healing from some nasty bruises that might go down to the bones. You’re suffering from dehydration, exposure and a whole list of other things I can’t even pronounce. According to the good doctor, you’re going to be in here at least three weeks.”

Zach grunted. Figures. He hated hospitals. With the danger inherent in his line of work, he’d spent more time than he would like to think in them, too.

“She says your recovery time at home is going to be three to five months. You’re going to have to take it easy. I know you’re not very good at that, but you’re going to have to make an effort. I need my best agent back at a hundred percent. So don’t even think about cutting your recovery time short.”

“She’s overestimating the time,” Zach said. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fit and back before you know it.”

“Have you thought about what you’re going to do when you leave the hospital? Do you want me to look into private nurses?”

Zach grimaced. “No, thanks. I’ll be fine.”

The last thing he needed was a stranger hanging around, fussing over him. He had a lot of places he could go, although at the moment he could only think of one.

The cabin.

It was isolated. He could retreat to his cave and lick his wounds. With enough supplies, he wouldn’t even have to go to town. It made perfect sense. After all, no one even knew about the place. Except Jamie.

He closed his eyes and fought back a groan. But this one didn’t come from pain. It came from deep inside, from the place where the ghosts lived.

The cabin had once been his favorite retreat. He’d always looked forward to going back. Until seven years ago when he’d brought an innocent young woman there and she’d changed everything. Now he couldn’t spend more than a couple of days at the cabin without remembering her, them and the time they’d spent together. Then he started to want her, ache for her, until want and ache gradually turned to need. Then he had to leave.

Could he risk the cabin for several weeks? Did he have a choice? Maybe this time it would be easier to forget her. Hell, who was he trying to kid? He hadn’t been able to forget her in all this time. He wondered if he ever would.

He glanced over and saw Winston watching him. “It won’t take me five months,” Zach said at last. “Once I’m out of the hospital, we’re talking two at most.”

“But the doctor said-”

Zach cut him off. “I’ve been injured before, Winston. I know what to expect from my body. She’s used to civilians. I know how to train and I know how to rest. Trust me.”

Winston frowned, but didn’t disagree. “Tell me when you’re feeling up to an official debriefing. We have reports from all the men who survived, so your information can wait. I was thinking about a day or two before you’re released from the hospital.”

“Fine. I don’t have a whole lot to tell you. I spent most of my days unconscious.” He thought for a moment, remembering the pain of the last beating. He’d been ready to go then, willing his spirit to give up on his battered body. “How’d you get me out?”

“It wasn’t easy.” Winston leaned forward in his seat. Pale blue eyes brightened. “I sent in a team right away. Half of them couldn’t get close, and the other half didn’t make it back.”

Zach closed his eyes and swore under his breath. He didn’t need any more souls on his already heavy conscience. “Who?” he asked quietly.

“No one you know.”

“Liar.”

“Calling your boss names isn’t a great way to get a raise.” Winston’s light tone belied the seriousness of their conversation.

“I don’t recall asking for one.” Zach forced himself to push the disturbing thoughts away. He would deal with them later, when he was alone. “So how’d you get me out?”

“A couple of operatives came to me with a rather unique plan.”

Before he could continue, there was a knock at the door.

“Come,” Winston called.

Zach was expecting a nurse or maybe his doctor. Perhaps even one of the guys he knew from the agency. He was almost right. The person stepping through the door was a fellow employee, but it wasn’t one of the guys. After seven long years, Jamie Sanders stepped back into his life.

Her hair was long again, more than halfway down her back. The sight of the dark blond strands caused a memory to nibble at the edge of his mind, but he couldn’t place it. He brushed his fingers against the back of his hand, as if something there tickled.

She was lean, leaner than she’d been in training. High cheekbones defined her features. Her mouth was full, her eyes almond-shaped. She wore a black T-shirt with the long sleeves pulled up to her elbows. Through the thin material, he could see the definition of her muscles. He’d heard about her victory on the obstacle course. Seeing her now, he knew the talk hadn’t been exaggerated.

She walked into the room. Worn jeans hugged slender thighs and narrow hips. She moved with the grace of a panther. He returned his attention to her face. There was a time he’d known everything she was thinking. While she’d been his student in training, he’d been aware of her mixed feelings. Sometimes her hazel eyes would darken to green with resentment at the way he pushed her. Other times, when he’d turned quickly and caught her staring at him, those same irises had shifted to blue and deepened with interest and affection. He’d been battling his own attraction. He’d wanted her from the first moment he’d seen her, and their six months together in training had done nothing to change that.

As her instructor, he’d had a responsibility to keep his personal feelings to himself and he had. He’d been tough, just as he was with all the recruits. He’d ridden Jamie extra-hard. Because he was hard on all his recruits and because he saw in her the potential to be the best.

She’d done them both proud. She was an excellent agent. A lean, strong, thinking, killing machine. She was everything he’d known she could be.

“Here she is now,” Winston said, rising to his feet and crossing the floor. He wrapped his arm around Jamie’s shoulders. “Here’s the agent responsible for your rescue.”

The simple sentence caught Zach unaware. Jamie? Why the hell had she risked her life for him?

It was like taking a sucker punch to the belly. All his air rushed out. Every part of his body ached. He stared uncomprehending.

She met his gaze. Her body wasn’t all that had changed in the past seven years. She’d learned to hide what she was thinking. He knew what she’d become. While he was proud of her, he knew the price she’d paid. What had she lost along the way?

Without wanting to, he remembered being with her, holding her, being inside her. Making love to her. Fighting all the emotions that invoked because he knew the risk of feeling anything. He’d let her go because it was the kindest act he could offer. He’d let her go because he’d cared about her.

Looking at her now, he knew he’d made the right decision, but he wasn’t sure she had.

Pleasure and pain mingled in his gut. Pleasure at seeing her again, at being close to her…and pain, for all the same reasons.

But she wasn’t the only experienced agent in the room. He molded his features into a neutral expression and raised his eyebrows. “A couple of operatives? Wasn’t that risky?”

Jamie shrugged. The movement freed her of Winston’s arm, and she stepped away. “The other team had failed. We figured we’d travel better light.”

“We?”

“Rick Estes and me.”

Zach remembered Rick. He’d worked with him several times. He was a good man. “What was the plan?”

Winston stepped close to the hospital bed and grinned. “They blew up the munitions depot next to the compound. While everyone was distracted, Jamie carried you out.”

In one moment, he realized two things-the vision of her standing over him in the plane hadn’t been an illusion, and the fact that she’d risked her life for him.