Susan Mallery - Surrender in Silk

“What’s your point?”

She ignored the slight stiffening of his body and snuggled closer. “I know why you’re afraid, Zach,” she whispered. “Despite that, it’s still worth the effort.”

“I won’t pretend to know what you’re talking about.”

She sat up and shifted so she was cross-legged. The sheet pooled around her waist, but she didn’t bother pulling it up. After all, he’d seen every part of her already. She had nothing to hide.

“I finally figured it out,” she said. “I know what happened in the past. It took me this long to figure it out because I couldn’t get beyond my own hurt to look at the bigger picture. I was so angry, for years I didn’t care about your feelings.”

He started to roll away. She placed her hand on his shoulder and held him in place. When he sagged back on the bed, she exhaled a sigh of relief. He could have defeated her physically. The fact that he didn’t gave her hope.

“Seven years ago-”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, cutting her off. “I don’t have any magic answers for you. I’m not interested in finding a way back to the world you so admire.” He glared at her but didn’t move away.

“We have to talk about it,” she said. “It’s important.” She paused to gather her thoughts. “Seven years ago, you told me I had to make a choice. Do you remember?” She didn’t wait for an answer, but continued. “I could either be a good agent or I could have a normal life. I couldn’t do both.”

He glanced away without saying anything.

“You were right,” she continued. “The agency requires a hundred percent commitment. I couldn’t have done that kind of work if I’d been worried about a husband or a family. But no matter how much I used work to fill my life, I couldn’t help but feel empty inside. For a long time, I thought it was just anger at you. I thought you’d led me on-got me to believe in you and care about you, then dumped me. I thought it was about your ego rather than my feelings.”

His hand clamped over her wrist. His dark eyes filled with the truth. “I never meant to hurt you, Jamie. You’ve got to believe that.”

She nodded slowly. “I do. I also know I made a mistake seven years ago. Why didn’t you tell me the truth? Why did you let me walk away believing you were a jerk?”

This time he did roll away. He walked naked to the window and stared out at the sleeping city. The light from the small lamp by the bed didn’t reach that far. Zach stood in shadow. A shiver of fear rippled through her, but she ignored it. She had to get it all out now. Something inside of her told her this might be her last chance.

“The choice wasn’t between the agency and a real life,” she said. “You were the choice. That’s what I didn’t get. Because you didn’t ask me to stay with you, I thought you didn’t want me. But the opposite was true. You really cared about me. You wanted me to demand to stay with you. And I didn’t.”

She drew her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. “Of all the people in the world, you knew how important the agency was to me. You knew how hard I’d worked to achieve my goal. You knew what I was capable of. So you let me go, because you believed it was the right thing to do. I had a chance to be the best, and you wanted to make sure that happened. At the time, I might have agreed with you, but now I’m not so sure you made the right choice.”

“Don’t do this, Jamie. You don’t know what you’re getting into,” he said.

“Yeah, Zach, for once I do. For a long time, I thought I’d failed you in some way. I tried to figure out what I’d done that was so wrong. Then, when I started to realize what had really happened, I thought I’d been the one who had failed. Finally I got my answer.”

She slipped off the bed and walked over toward the window. She stood behind him, close enough to feel his warmth, but not touching him. “Seven years ago, I wasn’t right for you. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with your demons, I didn’t understand what you’d been through. I wasn’t the right woman to love you.”

She had to fight to keep her voice from shaking. This was harder than she’d thought. Continuing was the only option even though she really wanted to bolt for safety.

“I’m the right woman now. I know what you’ve been through because I’ve been there myself. I can help with the past. Together we can find a future. I’m the one you’ve been waiting for, Zach. I’m your other half. And I love you.”

The silence was deafening. It throbbed against her ears like falling cabin pressure. She held her breath and prayed for a miracle. As the silence stretched on, she remembered she was dealing with a man who had sold his soul to the devil a long time ago. There wasn’t going to be a miracle.

But she had to keep trying. This was the most important moment of her life.

“You asked me once what I would do if I could turn back time,” she said. “Would I still do everything the same? I have my answer now. I would have done everything the same. I couldn’t have stayed with you then. You wouldn’t have let me be a part of your work, and I couldn’t bear to have waited at home for you. I had to go out and make my own way. I had to use my skills, test myself. I had to grow enough to be your mate.”

He spun on her with savage fury. “You’re not my goddamn mate. I’m not a wild animal to be captured and bred.”

“Yes, you are,” she said softly. “You’re exactly like that leopard in the cage. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. It’s more than your pacing at the cabin. It’s the way you view life.”

He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. “Stop it,” he demanded. “Stop saying these things. I don’t want to hear them.”

She stared at him, unafraid. “You can’t run away from this,” she said.

“The hell I can’t.”

He released her and stalked to the bed. The lamp there illuminated his body. As always, his male beauty took her breath away. Love filled her and made her strong. They’d survived worse; they would survive this.

“I don’t want to hear this,” he repeated, and began pacing. “You can believe whatever you want, but that doesn’t make it true.”

“You can pretend not to hear my words,” she said, “but that doesn’t change reality. I love you.”

He shuddered as if she’d struck him. “I don’t want your love. Don’t care about me. Don’t you see? That’s what all this is about. It’s not that I don’t want to love you, Jamie. I don’t want you to love me.”

He continued pacing, but she saw him from a great distance. It was as if she’d left her body and was floating above the room. His lips moved, but she couldn’t hear the words. All that she heard was the thundering of her heartbeat.

He didn’t love her now and he would never love her. Worse, he didn’t want her to love him.

Something white cut through her. She identified it as intense, soul-burning pain. She’d been wrong about everything.

Awareness returned with a rush. His words continued to tumble out.

“Why do you have to make it more than it is?” he asked. “Isn’t this enough?” He motioned to the bed. “It’s a hell of a lot more than most people have.” He stopped and stared at her. “All I wanted was a few laughs, kid. I’m sorry you got emotionally involved.”

“I don’t believe you,” she said, forcing the words past stiff lips. “You need me to find your way back.”

“I’m not going back.”

“What are you so afraid of?” she asked, close to tears. “How can you keep on living like this? It’s only half a life. There could be so much more.”

He shook his head. “You seem to think I can’t find my way into this world you admire. That’s not it, Jamie. The truth is I don’t want to. I’m simply not interested in the journey or the destination.”

The next morning, they drove back to the cabin in silence. Jamie was still in shock. She couldn’t believe everything had disintegrated so quickly. One minute they had been lovers; the next they weren’t even speaking. It would have been kinder if Zach had simply taken out a gun and shot her. At least that would have been quick. This way she was left to replay their conversation over and over in her mind. She could second-guess herself from now until the end of time, wondering what other words she could have said to make a difference. She could create other scenarios where she was able to make him see what was important. She could imagine a happy future that had turned out to be little more than a fantasy. But she couldn’t change what had really happened between them.

She supposed the fatal flaw in her logic was her belief Zach would actually give a damn that she loved him. How naive. He’d never cared before. Why should this time be different?

She thought about trying to make conversation, but she couldn’t summon the energy. It wasn’t just her shattered spirit; she was also physically exhausted.

She hadn’t slept the previous night. Zach had grabbed a pair of jeans and disappeared into the living room of the suite. She’d crawled into bed, curling up like a wounded animal. She’d stared into the darkness and tried to figure out how everything had fallen apart so quickly. She’d searched for an answer, prayed again for a miracle. There had been no answer but silence and the dampness of the tears on her cheeks.

She closed her eyes against the beautiful countryside stretched out on either side of the highway. She didn’t want to see the trees or the mountains one last time. It was bad enough she’d lost Zach; she didn’t want to have to miss their private world, too.

Time passed. A while later, she felt the vehicle turn onto a steep driveway. The Bronco rocked as it climbed. Then it came to a stop.

Zach got out without saying anything. He walked to the cabin. Minutes later he was back out, dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. He started running.

She opened the passenger door and stepped onto the hard ground. She knew where he was going and what he was going to do. He would run to the road and back. Down the driveway. She’d promised when he was able to do that, she would leave. Now he wanted her to go.

She thought about unloading the luggage in the back, but it was too much work. She could barely gather the strength together to draw breath in and out. Everything hurt. What had happened? Why was he doing this to her? What had she done wrong?

She made her way to the front stairs and settled there. It was a perfect late-spring day. Birds flitted from tree to tree. Soft green grass sprouted from rich soil. Wildflowers dotted the ground.

She inhaled the sweet scents of new life. Tears were so close to the surface, but she forced them back. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t find an answer to the question of what she’d done wrong-and then she figured out why. She hadn’t done anything wrong. None of this was about her. She was willing to risk it all for love.

Not Zach. He wanted to hold everything inside, regardless of what it cost him now or in the future. He chose to walk away.

The rumble of an engine caught her attention. She glanced up and saw a Federal Express truck pulling up beside the Bronco. A uniformed young woman stepped out and carried over a flat package.

“How you doing?” the woman asked.

“Fine, thanks.” Jamie’s response was automatic. She didn’t think this stranger wanted to know how she was really feeling.

“I’ve got a package for Zach Jones.”

“I’ll sign for it.” Jamie stood up and started toward the woman. “He’s out running.”

“I saw him. He’s like a maniac, tearing down the mountain. I didn’t know he was there and I was scared I might hit him. He just ran on by, like he didn’t even see me.”

“He probably didn’t.” She signed on the line indicated, then took the package. The return address was a familiar one in Washington.

Had Winston found him, or had Zach called in the night? Probably the latter. Winston wouldn’t have known Zach was ready to return to work.

She waved at the woman as she turned her truck around. The sound of the engine faded, then there was only silence.

Jamie stared at the package. She knew what was inside. Information on Zach’s next assignment. Where would he go this time? Would his life be in danger? Would he make it? She wasn’t going to be around to rescue him again. He’d been in the field for nearly fourteen years. What if all his luck was used up? What if she never saw him alive again?

She sat there in the sunlight, trying to find answers. There weren’t any. She could only exist through the pain and wonder if she was going to die of a broken heart.

Finally Zach came jogging around the bend in the driveway. He was breathing hard and covered in sweat. She knew what he was going to tell her. He’d reached the highway. It was time for her to go.