I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block thoughts of her from my mind. It wasn’t fair. No matter where I was or what I was doing, she was always there. Every single thing I saw reminded me of her.

I threw my bag on the bed and unzipped it to start putting things away in the dresser across from the bed. I honestly hadn’t expected to be here for long, so I’d only brought enough clothes for a week. I hoped a Laundromat was close by or maybe the hotel had some service to wash my clothes. After I put all my clothes away, I took my toiletries to the bathroom and tossed my empty bag against the far wall.

Well, it wasn’t completely empty. There was one small compartment that I hadn’t yet opened. Just in case, I’d stashed a bag of coke in there. I’d taken a chance with airport security when we were still in Pittsburgh, and lucky for me, we had skipped through security since we were on a private plane. Now, I wished that I hadn’t brought it with me. I sat down on the bed and stared at my bag. It seemed like the coke was calling out to me, begging me to get my fix.

I fell back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. I wished that Chloe were here with me.

With her, maybe it would be easier to ignore the screaming voice in my head. To hell with the rest of the world. Do what you want.

Maybe if she’d stuck by me, I’d be clean by now. Yeah, I knew I would be. It was all her fault that I was still trapped in this hell. If she’d really cared, she would have stayed to make sure I was okay. Instead, she’d left me behind without a second thought. She didn’t care about me. The only person she cared about was herself. Needing to hit something, I slammed my fists on the bed. It did little to soothe my temper. Instead, I felt angrier. How could she do that to me? She had left me, just left me. I fucking hated her, and I hated the fact that I still loved her. Damn her! Damn it all!

I stood up and stomped across the room to my bag. I sat it on the desk and unzipped the compartment that had all the answers. I was so sick of dealing with my fucked up emotions all the time. I just wanted that release, that world of pleasure where nothing mattered. There was no label, there was no Chloe, there were no dead parents, and most importantly, there was no pain. Fuck it all. No, fuck them all.

I pulled the bag and my trusty mirror out and walked to the couch to sit down. I’d stocked up only a few days ago, and I knew I had enough to last me a week or two. I set the mirror on the table and dumped some of the powder onto it. After pulling my credit card and a bill out of my wallet, I crushed up the coke and separated it into two lines. I rolled the bill and leaned down, but then I stopped at the last second. Was I really giving up this soon? Hadn’t I just decided last night that I was done with this? I was destroying everything for myself and everyone around me.

I stared down at the powder and willed myself to take it to the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. But I couldn’t do it. I needed it too much. I couldn’t deal with life without some kind of release, and this was the best thing that I had right now. I lowered my head once again and snorted both of the lines, one right after the other. I threw the bill down on the table as I leaned back against the couch. I felt half-disgusted with myself and half-happy now that I knew my release was so close.

I closed my eyes and waited for the effects to take over. A few minutes later, I started to feel them, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Yes, this was what I wanted, what I needed. I could handle this. I wouldn’t let it control me. The guys and Jade were worried over nothing. How could something that felt this good ever be bad? It helped me focus, which is what I needed. When I didn’t have it, I always felt rage bubbling to the surface, and I lost control. That would be when everyone needed to worry, not when I felt like this.

I smiled to myself as I stood and grabbed my key card off the table. It was time to meet up with everyone in Eric’s room. I closed the door behind me and walked down the hall to his room. I knocked, and a few seconds later, Eric opened the door to let me in.

He took one look at me and shook his head. “Really?” he asked.

“What?”

“You’re high, Drake. I thought you were trying to work on it.”

“I am,” I said defensively. “This is the first time today. That’s almost twenty-four hours. I don’t know what you’re so worried about anyway. You hate when I get all pissed off, don’t you? I never feel that way after I’ve snorted a line.”

“No, but you’re a raging dick when it starts to wear off,” Adam said from the couch.

I flipped him off as I sat down next to him. “Fuck you. I’m fine, and I’m not using as much as I was. At least I’m trying, so back off.”

“Whatever,” Adam growled. “I wish Chloe were here. She’d rip off your dick for this shit.”

For the first time ever, I snapped while I was high. I grabbed the neck of his shirt and drew my arm back to punch him in the face.

Eric grabbed my arm and pulled me away from Adam. “That’s it!” he shouted.

I froze. Eric never shouted.

“You need to get your shit together, or you’re going to be on your own. I can’t watch you destroy yourself and attack us every chance you get,” Eric said.

Adam adjusted his shirt and stood. “If it wasn’t for this label wanting us, I’d vote to kick your ass out right now. I’m so sick of it.”

“Don’t you ever fucking bring up Chloe like that again! She left me, just like you guys want to. If she were still here, I wouldn’t be in this mess!”

“So, you admit that you’re in over your head?” Eric asked.

“What? No! I just meant—”

“We know what you meant. Deny it all you want, but you need help,” Adam said as he walked to the door. He glanced back at Eric. “I’m out of here before I beat his head in.”

He slammed the door, leaving me alone with Eric. I ran my hands through my hair. I was at a loss for words. I had this under control, regardless of what they thought.

“You’ve lost control, Drake. I wish you could see that. You’re like a brother to me. As far as I’m concerned, you are my brother and it’s killing me to watch you go through this alone. I wish you would let us help you,” Eric said.

“I don’t need your help or anyone else’s. I’ve taken care of myself my entire life, and that isn’t going to change.”

“But you’re not alone, and I wish you could see that. Jade, Adam, and I all love you. Chloe does, too, even if she isn’t here to tell you.”

“You guys are my family, and I know you care, but you’re worrying over nothing. I wish you’d just leave me alone.”

“We aren’t going to leave you alone until you get help. You’ve got Jade scared to death. She’s afraid to even leave you on your own. A little bit ago, she came over here, and she was freaking out and worried about what you would do since you have a room to yourself.” He gave me a pointed look. “Obviously, she was right.”

“I’m not dealing with this right now. I’m going back to my room.” I stood and walked to the door. I was so sick of this shit. I wanted my friends back, not these crazy people who wouldn’t leave me alone.

I spent the rest of the night locked up in my room. Someone came to my door and knocked a few times. After hearing obscenities being shouted at me from the other side, I knew it was Jade, but I ignored her. She tried calling me a few times, but I ignored those as well. I just wanted to be alone.

It was well after midnight when I picked up my phone and started flipping through some of my pictures. I started with the first picture I had ever taken of Chloe and continued to go through them until I reached the last one. It had been taken only days before she’d left me. She had fallen asleep while we were on the bus, and I’d snapped picture after picture of her as she slept peacefully in my bunk. I’d thought that we’d be together forever, but as usual, things never worked out the way I’d planned. If I had known that she would be gone so soon after that, I would have crawled into that small bunk and held her tight.

I just hoped that she hadn’t run back to Jordan or Logan. I wasn’t sure how I would handle it if I ever saw her with either of them. She was mine even if she didn’t think so anymore, and I didn’t want Jordan or Logan touching her, kissing her, or holding her at night. As I imagined either of them in bed with her, I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. Her body and soul were supposed to be mine and mine alone.

I plugged my phone in to charge it, and I threw the covers back on my bed. I had a huge day tomorrow, and I needed to get some sleep. I tossed and turned, unable to put my mind to rest. Now that the thought had popped into my head, all I could see was Chloe in bed with someone else. The picture Kadi had shown me of Chloe and Jordan in bed together was what had started all of this, and here I was again, going through the same hell as before.

4

I had finally managed to fall asleep around three in the morning, and when the alarm went off at six, I wanted to shoot myself. I barely managed to crawl out of bed and make it to the bathroom to turn on the shower. I wasn’t a morning person, and the time difference was really screwing with me. I stripped out of my boxers and stepped into the hot water. I just stood there as I let it fall around me. The heat and the water beating against my skin slowly started to wake me up. I stayed in there for far longer than necessary before stepping out and toweling off.

After getting dressed and ordering room service for breakfast, I walked to Eric’s room and knocked on the door. He opened it, looking tired.

“Rough night?” I asked as I walked into his room.

“Well, with Jade being here until well after midnight, it was kind of hard to sleep,” he grumbled.

“Oh,” I said, unsure of how to respond to that.

“Yeah, oh. She was worried sick about you when she found out what happened. She wanted to call the main desk and have them check on you, but I wouldn’t let her. That’s just what we need—the hotel informing Brad that we have a drug addict as the front man, and we were afraid he overdosed.”

“I wouldn’t overdose, dumbass.”

“You wouldn’t do it on purpose, but if you were pissed and decided to take more…well, you don’t know what could happen.”

I counted to ten in my head to keep my cool. “Let’s not start the day off by talking about this, okay? We have too much shit to get done.”

“You’re right, but I’m still pissed at you.”

“When aren’t you lately?” I grinned at him.

He shot me a dirty look. “I’m always pissed at you, and you can blame yourself for that.”

Someone knocked on the door, and he went to answer it. Jade and Adam were both standing on the other side. When Jade saw me, she pushed past Eric and ran toward me.

“Thank God! Why didn’t you answer your phone?” she asked, hugging me.

I shrugged as she released me from her death grip. “I just wanted to be alone for a while.”

“I was worried sick about you, Drake. Please don’t do that to me again.”

“I won’t. I promise.” I smiled at her.

“I’m holding you to that.” She frowned.

“I promised, didn’t I? Now, let’s get going. I’m sure Adam is waiting on us by now.”

“Let’s go.” Taking my hand, Jade led me out of the room and to the elevators. She didn’t let go until we were sitting in the back of the limo on our way to the studio.

Brad had told Eric that we wouldn’t need our instruments for the recording sessions because the studio had several to pick from. While I knew they would have the best of the best, it still made me uneasy to think I’d be playing a guitar that I wasn’t used to.

This morning, I’d decided to leave my stash in my room. I was sure that I’d be fine without it for a few hours, and I wanted to make sure that I gave the band everything I had. They deserved nothing less. I tried to pay attention to whatever Jade was saying, but I was failing miserably. My mind was on overload from the stress of the entire situation.

I glanced over at Adam, who had been suspiciously quiet since I saw him in Eric’s room. He was staring out the window, ignoring all of us. I wasn’t sure if he was nervous or if he was still mad at me over last night. Either way, his silence bothered me.

I waited until we were out of the limo and walking into the building before I approached him.