To be honest, I saw that coming. But that’s not the real reason why I’m here, so I decide to stop stalling.


ME: I understand. I was wondering if I could audition to be part of the art department next semester. I know I would only be eligible for the beginners’ classes.

DR. PAFFORD: There’s no transferring of programs this late in the process. You are graduating after next semester … in drama.

ME: Well, I have enough credits that I was wondering if —

DR. PAFFORD: Mr. Harrison, you are here to act. That is the program you enrolled in. You cannot shift to a new program after three and a half years.

ME: I see. Well, thank you for your time.


I get up to leave.


DR. PAFFORD: Now about that audition piece — what are you going to perform?


I turn toward him.


ME: I’m not auditioning. It’s been an incredible experience here, Dr. Pafford. But I have no desire to continue to be part of something I don’t believe in.


I can tell that he doesn’t know how to respond.

He clears his throat and finally speaks.


DR. PAFFORD: I’m sorry to hear that.


I look closely at him.


ME: I’m not.


I head to my locker and grab all my personal belongings. I don’t even hesitate for a second as I walk out of the school and don’t look back.

Yes, the truth shall set you free.

Emme

Everything seems to be happening all at once.

I knew that senior year would be overwhelming, but the next two weeks are like a perfect storm: Senior Showcase auditions, finals, and auditions for second semester. I’m thankful Ethan’s cast finally came off a few days ago so the band is back to full strength. I even had a chance to talk to Tyler; he was nice enough to listen to everything I had to say, but I don’t think he wants anything to do with me after that “humiliation.” I guess I don’t blame him.

But of course with everything coming up, all anybody really wants to talk about is Carter.

I couldn’t believe Carter actually dropped out of CPA. But he looked so happy when he told me about it. He was done with pretending and he was going to take some time off to focus on what he wants.

I guess I’ve been really lucky to always know what I want to do: music. I’ll admit the uncertainty of where I’ll be next year is stressful, but as I walk into the rehearsal room and see Jack, Ben, and Ethan, I know I’m not alone in this.

Jack gives me a smirk and cocks one eyebrow. “Well, hello, Emma.”

“Hi.” I continue to tune my guitar, not sure what Jack is trying to get at.

“So, Emma, anything you’d like to share with the band?”

Ben takes the bait. “What are you blabbering about, Jack? And why are you calling her Emma?”

Jack laughs. “I guess you haven’t read all about it, huh?” Jack pulls up something on his phone, and Ben gasps.

“What?” I go up and pull Jack’s phone from his hand. On the screen is the photo taken at the ice cream parlor of me on Carter’s lap. The caption reads: Harrison with girlfriend Emma days before he left the prestigious CPA.

I scroll up and start reading the gossip site’s article about Carter’s departure from CPA. The article paints Carter as some diva who was causing problems at school and decided to drop out. The only thing they have right is that he’s taking a vacation. He and his mom left for Italy yesterday for a few weeks. Then when he gets back he’s going to take the GED and enroll in art classes. But leave it to the Gossip Guru to “report” only on hearsay from students at CPA who didn’t like Carter, let alone know him.

“Well?” Jack’s been studying me.

“Well what?” I reply. What happened with Carter isn’t anybody’s business.

“You’re now dating Carter Harrison?” Jack folds his arms. “Because really, Red — oh, I’m sorry, Emma — you certainly seem to be getting around these days. You’re going to have to have a separate binder just to keep track of your social life.”

“No, we were having ice cream and the place wanted a picture…. I don’t know why they have my name as Emma. Or why —”

My stomach drops. Tyler is going to hear about this and any ounce of hope I had that he’d forgive me someday has disappeared. But even worse, there’s no way Sophie isn’t going to see this and think that I’m with Carter now.

“I’ve got to make a phone call.” I run out of the room and call Sophie. She doesn’t answer, so I leave a babbling message explaining everything. She hasn’t really talked about Carter since their breakup, but I have a feeling she’d be more upset with the fact that I’m in a picture, and identified, even incorrectly, on her favorite gossip site.

They’re waiting for me when I return.

Jack laughs. “You know, Red, I never figured you to be the biggest player in the group. First Tyler, then Ethan, now Carter. Pretty impressive.”

Ethan glares at Jack. Leave it to Jack to once again blow Ethan’s kiss after our performance completely out of proportion.

Jack is blissfully unaware of the daggers Ethan is shooting him so he continues. “I guess it is a good thing that I’m taken; I don’t think my heart could take your games.”

Ethan taps the microphone. “Are we ready?”

We all pick up our instruments and run through a few chords, but before we start, Ethan interrupts us.

“I’ve been thinking that maybe we should redo this song as a duet.”

He looks at me.

I shake my head. “No, I think it’s way better if you sing it alone.”

“You know everybody is going to hear you sing at the showcase anyway?”

“Yeah, that’s not guaranteed. I was asked to do a solo based on my guitar playing, not my singing.”

Ethan gives me a knowing smile. “You do realize that Dr. Pafford and the entire audition panel have heard you sing when you audition each semester. It’s not like they’ve never asked someone to audition before, Emme. They know exactly what they are doing.”

The thought of performing at the showcase by myself has left me a nervous wreck. I don’t like thinking about it. To be honest, I was thankful to Carter for opening up to me. And to Sophie for practicing her song. And of course, the guys. I have every confidence that I’ll be on that stage that evening with the guys and with Sophie. But being there by myself, I don’t think I can do it.

“I think we should leave the song as it is,” I state, and start strumming my part. Jack takes the hint and starts playing along with me, and then we are a band. One unit, playing while Ethan sings by himself.

That’s the way it should be.


It’s gotten even worse.

My hands are shaking. If I can’t perform in front of Ethan, then there’s no way that I’m going to be able to do this on Friday.

I’m sitting at the piano in Ethan’s house, putting the final touches on my new song for the showcase. Ethan’s heard me sing a lot lately since we’ve been recording our albums for our senior thesis.

But there’s something about this new song that makes me uneasy. Probably because the entire time I wrote it, I didn’t have the comfort of knowing that Sophie would be singing it. It would be me up there. And of course it ends up being the most personal thing I’ve ever written.

Ethan can tell I’m stalling. “All right, let’s go for a walk.”

We leave his apartment building and head west. The air has gotten colder and Christmas lights are decorating the street-lights and shops. Ethan doesn’t say much, but as soon as we hit Columbus Circle, I know where he’s taking me.

We walk up Broadway, past the turn we’d take to go to school, and a few more blocks north. We get to Sixty-fifth Street and walk past the main Juilliard building, pause in front of Alice Tully Hall, the main performance venue for the school. We walk up some stairs to Lincoln Center Plaza and sit on the edge of the fountain.

Ethan finally breaks his silence. “Have you thought at all about what happens if we both get in?”

I shrug. I honestly can’t wrap my head around what will happen if I get in.

“You know, you sell yourself short. A lot. And it is beyond devastating.” I look up and see him studying me. He wraps his arms around himself. “You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever known. You drop everything to help Sophie, you don’t even hesitate to encourage Carter to go after his dreams, you’ve been nothing but supportive of Jack, Ben, and me. But you can’t ever do it for yourself.”

I’m silent. I don’t know what to say.