“I never in a million years could ever think that you would see me as anything but the nerdy songwriter, so I’ve never said anything to you. I really cared about Kelsey, but she was a consolation prize because I couldn’t have you. And I know that sounds cruel, but it’s true. And all those girls at the show … I wanted you to see that some people found me attractive so that maybe you’d see me a different way. But I knew I was just making things worse. I knew you were so disappointed in me when I messed up. But part of me thought that if I kept messing up, it would give me a reason that you wouldn’t be with me. Not that I would ever have a chance. But then after you yelled at me, I had this feeling that you cared about me and, if you could be so passionate about me being an idiot, that if I could be a better person and not try to sabotage everything good in my life, you could see I’m just a guy who wants to do nothing but be in your presence.

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship and what we have, but I cannot for another minute stand in front of you without you knowing exactly how I feel. Because I can’t see past you. You are everything to me.”

I pause for a second. I try to swallow back some of the words. Emme’s eyes are wide. I have no idea what is going through her mind. But I need to tell her. I know that if I had to keep this charade up any longer, I would go mad.

I decide to go for broke. “Do you think you can trust me that I’ve changed, that I can be the person you need in your life and be with me? Emme?”

She blinks a few times and I feel dizzy when I see her bite her lip.

“Ethan … I didn’t know….”

“You had to know that I am crazy about you. Everybody knows.”

She shakes her head. “I didn’t think in such a … I guess …”

She goes over to a bench to sit down. I follow her and kneel so she has no choice but to look me in the eye.

“Ethan, I can’t imagine my life without you, but I think … I think … we should just be friends.”

I feel an ache in my chest at the sound of that word. Friend is the worst word you can hear when professing your love to someone. I guess if the only way I can have Emme is as a friend, I’ll have to settle for it. But I’m lying to myself if I think I can do that. And I’m so used to lying to myself, I know when I’m completely full of it. There’s no way I can do that.

A tear starts rolling down her face. “You know that if we were ever together, that if something went wrong, it would ruin the band, it would ruin what we have.”

“Or it can make it even better, even more amazing.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“Why?” I need to hear her say it. Whatever it is that is stopping her from being with me. Even if it’s that she finds me physically repulsive. I need to know, no matter how hard it hurts.

She lifts her head and looks me right in the eyes. “Because it would destroy me if you ever cheated on me. I could never handle that kind of betrayal from you.”

It feels as if the wind has been knocked out of me. Emme thinks that I would cheat on her. Because I cheated on Kelsey. A few times. In front of Emme.

“I would never do that to you. I have never betrayed you.”

Her shoulders begin to shake as I try to think of what else I could do. I’ve regretted a lot in my past, but never anything having to do with her, even now when my heart is being ripped in two.

She stands up. “I’m sorry, Ethan. I can’t.” She won’t even look at me before she runs away toward the street.

I stand there frozen until a pain surges in my forehead. I want to scream, I want to bash my head in, I want to shake Emme. No one will ever care for her as much as I do. Never. I need her to see that.

I shake my head, trying to clear the chaos of thoughts erupting in my mind.

There’s only one thing I know to do. One thing I can do to get a temporary reprieve from the misery I’m in.

I start to run home.

It takes me less than fifteen minutes to get home, and before I even get there, I already have the first two verses written.


I guess I was kidding myself when I thought that she’d come around. I only got a couple texts from Emme asking if I was okay and saying that she’s so sorry.

She’s basically apologizing for not loving me.

Yeah, I’m really sorry, too.

I start packing up my bag to head home. Emme and I haven’t really spoken since Saturday. Jack and Ben are more than aware that there’s something going on. When Jack made a joke about the tension during lunch on Monday, Emme started to cry and left the table. I think I’ve spoken about five words all week. And those would be “Just leave it alone, Jack.”

But we have a gig tonight and it’s hard to hide from each other in the tiny room backstage.

I dread even the thought of being in any room — big or small — having to look at Emme and pretend that my life hasn’t been shattered into a million little pieces. I force the school’s main door open with so much anger that the windows shake.

“Ethan?” I look over to see Carter reading a book on the steps. “Are you okay?”

He gets up.

“What are you doing here?” I don’t even pretend to be polite. Not that Carter did anything, but I’m so mad right now, I’d take it out on a blind nun.

“I’m meeting Emme….” He stops himself. His head cocks to the side as if he gets what’s going on. “You know this is hard on her, too.”

I hate how he can read people like we are all some open book here for his amusement.

“She’s not the one who is being rejected.” I fold my arms and glare at him.

“It’s not that simple.”

I start to walk away. What does Carter Harrison know about anything? And I guess he’s officially replacing me now? He’s Emme’s new confidant. I wonder if they’re anything else.

My body jerks as Carter grabs my arm. It takes every ounce of self-control to not punch him. “What do you want?”

He returns the hard stare. “Ethan, have you put yourself in Emme’s shoes? I don’t think she’s gotten over how betrayed she was by Sophie. Her best friend for nearly ten years turns out to be a fake who calls her out in front of the entire school. You, Ben, and Jack have been there for her since the beginning of freshman year. Do you have any idea of how scared she is of being hurt again, especially by someone who means as much to her as you?”

“I’d never hurt Emme. I’ve told her that, but she doesn’t believe me. She doesn’t want to hear it.”

“Then do something to make her hear you.”

He drops his grip and walks away.

It pains me to say it, but Carter is right.

I know what I need to do. It’s not like I’ve never done it before. But this time it’s different. Because I can’t lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me.


It’s like old times up onstage with the group. And it’s not that nostalgic feeling you have when reminiscing about the past.

No, I’ve become a mute between songs. I do my best to engage the crowd, but I can’t focus on them. I’ve only got one goal before me and it has nothing to do with the mass of people standing in front of me.

I’ve caught Ben and Emme exchanging knowing looks during the set. They know something is wrong. But neither one of them has any idea how wrong it all is.

We end with “Beat It,” since that’s become our signature song. The four of us take a bow and the others start to walk away. But I don’t move.

I see Emme pause for a second as she steps offstage. But I start to tune my guitar and try not to wuss out.

Because I’m about ready to do the biggest audition of my life.

“Thanks, everybody.” The crowd quiets down. “I’m actually going to do one more number, if that’s okay with you.” They scream. I block out the movement coming from the side of the stage.

I strum the first few chords of the song. “This is a song I wrote this past weekend, and the guys haven’t had a chance to hear it yet.” More applause. “As some of you who are familiar with the band know, a lot of my writing comes from the stupid things I’ve done. And I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve dug my own grave a few times.” There are a few approving screams from the audience. “But sometimes something wonderful comes into your life that forces you to man up. So this song is for that radiant person.”

I refuse to even look at Emme. I already know she’s staring at the floor.

My hands are shaking as I smooth out the piece of paper with the words on it and set it on the floor. It’s a page from the notebook Emme gave me at Christmas.

I start to pick a melody from the guitar and then sing:

There are so many words bottled up inside

They scream out to be released

You’ve cast a spell over me

Been blinded for long, but can now see

You’re the only thing that matters in my life

All that I’ve done is for you

The biggest piece, the biggest part

The one person who controls my heart

If I could kiss away your pain, I would

If I could hold you every night, I would

If I could erase every mistake, every other face

I wouldn’t change a thing

Because all those things led me to this place

And to you

Because I … I could never break your heart

I wouldn’t know where to start

All I know to be true

Is the only breaking will be done by you

If I could make you smile all day, I would

If I could be the person you want, I would

If I could erase every mistake, every other face

I wouldn’t change a thing

Because all those things led me to this place

And to you

Because I … I could never break your heart

I wouldn’t know where to start

All I know to be true

Is the only breaking will be done by you

The last note hangs in the air. I grab the lyrics from the floor and head off the stage. I hear the crowd reacting, but I don’t care. It wasn’t for them. It never has been.

I turn for the first time to see her reaction. Her eyes are wide, her lips are pursed, her face pale. She looks down at the ground as I approach. Ben grabs Jack and they walk away.

“Emme.” I see her shiver slightly.

She starts shaking her head. She’s saying something, but I can’t hear her over the crowd.

I lean in so I’m close to her. “I’m sorry,” she says.

My entire body aches at her apology. “Because you don’t have feelings for me?”

She looks up at me and I can tell she’s mad. “I do have feelings for you, Ethan. That’s the problem. We’re best friends, you’re the closest person in the world to me. Why can’t we just keep things the way they are now?”

“Because I love you.”

“And I love you, too.”

I’ve wanted to hear those words from her for so long. Although I know her love and my love are two very different things. “But just not in that way, right?”

She doesn’t respond. I feel a madness creep over me. I need to get out of here, away from Emme.

I hear a voice call out after me. But it’s not Emme’s voice, so I don’t care.

A hand wraps itself tightly around my arm. “Ethan, are you okay?”

It’s Ben. I yank my arm free.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

I turn my back and walk away from Emme, from the band, from my life.

Emme

I always knew that senior year would be full of challenges — the showcase, the school auditions, leaving CPA behind.