Филиппа Карр - The Black Swan

“You seem to have become very friendly with them. Do you think it wise to put so much trust in them? You don’t really know them very well, do you?”

“I feel they are good friends and in any case what harm could befall me? I am only traveling back with them. And now I really must begin to pack. There is so much to do.”

Belinda kept away from me during the day; she was very upset with me. Jean Pascal also left me to my own devices, which pleased me very much. I retired early, locked my door and was ready to leave early next morning.

I felt I was coming very well out of a delicate situation.

I had had a rather restless night which was to be expected. When I did doze I had a nightmare in which Jean Pascal suddenly broke into my room and I awoke in the dream suddenly to find him at my bedside. Suddenly he turned into a black swan. It was a great relief to wake up and know that it was only a dream. And after that I scarcely slept at all.

How relieved I was when morning came!

Therese knocked at my door an hour earlier than usual. She had coffee and a brioche for me.

“You’ll need something inside you, mademoiselle,” she said. “You’ve got a long day ahead.”

She was smiling sympathetically. I wondered if she knew the real reason for my departure. It would not surprise me if she did. She probably knew a good deal about the habits of the master of the chateau. I thanked her warmly. When I went down to the hall, Jean Pascal was there.

He said, “I’ll send someone to bring down your bags.”

He took my hands and looked earnestly into my face. “I’m sorry you are leaving us like this, Lucie,” he said.

“I’m afraid ... I felt I had to.”

“My dear child, I understand. I hope you will try to understand me. I love you very dearly. I have been overhasty. I do realize that now. Please remember that I shall always be there to help you if you need me. You understand that, don’t you, Lucie?”

“It is good of you ...”I began.

He shook his head. “I would care for you... always. One day I am going to make you change your mind.”

“Thank you for your hospitality. I am sorry if I seemed churlish.”

“No, my dear, the fault was mine. I understand. I am considerably chastened. Give yourself time. My poor Lucie, you have so much to contend with and I was impatient. It was because I cared so much. But ... we will leave it ... for a time. And then I shall come back and try to win what is so important to me.” I had a great desire to get away. The carriage was at the door. He kissed my hand as they put the luggage into the carriage.

Belinda did not come to say good-bye. That was typical of her. She was very annoyed with me and was not going to hide it.

The carriage moved slowly away. Jean Pascal stood there, looking so sad that I could not help feeling a little contrite.

When the Fitzgeralds joined me and we rattled along to Bordeaux, I began to feel better.

And there we were in the train speeding along to Paris.

The journey went smoothly. Roland got us across Paris and we caught the train to Calais in good time. I realized often during that journey how lost I should have been without the Fitzgeralds.

Then there was the task of getting on the ferry. I felt so relieved when we came in sight of Dover.

The Fitzgeralds said they had a pied-à-terre in London which Roland used when he was there on business; but he did pay frequent visits to the headquarters in Bradford. When we arrived in London, he said they would drop me and then go on to their little place. They would not come in with me as I should be unexpected and it would be better for me to arrive alone and make the explanations. They would call next morning to make sure everything was all right.

They accompanied me to the door of the house where my bags were deposited. The cab waited at the door until it was opened by the butler.

I turned and waved to them and the cab drove off.

The butler was clearly astonished. “Miss Lansdon, we weren’t expecting.... We didn’t get a message....”

“No,” I replied. “There wasn’t time to send a message. Is Mrs. Lansdon at home?”

“Yes, Miss Lansdon. I’ll inform her. And I’ll send someone to take your bags up to your room.”

“Where is Mrs. Lansdon?” I asked.

“I think she would be in the drawing room, miss.”

“I shall find her. If you will see about the bags ...”

“I will, miss.”

I went past him up the stairs.

Celeste had heard the sounds of arrival and was at the top of the stairs to see what it was all about.

“Lucie!” she cried.

“Oh, Celeste, I’m so glad to see you.”

She put her arms round me and held me tightly.

“But why?” she said. “Where... are Belinda and my brother?”

“They are still in France. I came back with friends.”

“You must be very tired.”

“I suppose so ... but at the moment I’m so glad to be back that I don’t feel the least bit tired.”

“Something has happened....”

I hesitated and she went on, “I’m so sorry. It’s Joel, of course. I hope I did the right thing in letting you know. I wasn’t sure. I ought to have broken it gently. But I thought you would have to know.”

“Oh yes. Dear Celeste, I had to know. How... how are the Greenhams taking it?”

“Badly. I’ve only seen them once. I called... but I think they do not want callers. One understands. Sir John... well, you can’t tell with him, but Lady Greenham cannot hide how sad she is. I felt I shouldn’t have called. It seemed like bringing it all back ... but I suppose it’s in their minds the whole time. I left very soon.”

“Did you see Gerald?”

She shook her head. “It is so very tragic. There was such excitement when Joel went. It was going to be so important for his career. It all seemed so happy then. And it has all changed. But we must not speak of it. I am so pleased to see you. It has been so quiet without you and Belinda.”

“Belinda is going to be married.”

“Yes, I know.”

“It is all so suitable. It happened very quickly. Her father approves. Sir Robert seems acceptable in every way. It was love at first sight and I suppose there will be a grand wedding.”

“Yes,” said Celeste with a faint note of alarm in her voice. “It will be here.”

“You’ll do it beautifully,” I assured her.

“And you... Lucie?”

I hesitated and then decided to tell her.

“It became a little awkward. Your brother asked me to marry him.”

“No!”

“He did. And, Celeste, I could not accept his proposal. He seems to think I shall change my mind, but I shan’t. I never shall.”

“No. I understand.”

“Well, I couldn’t really stay in the house with that sort of situation and I had met some people who were coming back, so I traveled with them.”

“French people?”

“No. English. It was rather a coincidence. I met them first on the ferry going over... just briefly, you know, and it turned out that they were staying near us. We became friendly. You know how it is ... meeting your fellow countrymen in a foreign land. I saw them several times, and when I heard they were coming back, I thought I’d take the opportunity to travel with them. They will be calling tomorrow, so you will meet them.”

“It’s lovely to have you back,” she said.

“It is wonderful to be back,” I replied.

“It’s been rather lonely without you.”

“Dear Celeste, you should have come with us. The chateau is so beautiful. You must know every inch of it.”

“Well, it was where I was born, where I lived my early days. But I made a new life here. This is my home now.”

I thought then that her life was as tragic as mine.

We went up to my room together. My bags were already there.

“I’ll send one of the maids up to help you unpack,” said Celeste.

“I’d rather do it myself.”

“Would you like something sent up on a tray... and then you can get to bed?”

“Hot water to wash off the stains of the journey. Then the tray.”

“It shall be done. Then... later we’ll talk.”

“Thank you, Celeste. It was a nice welcome home.”

I washed and the tray came up. I was surprised to find I was really hungry. I did not feel sleepy so I wrote a letter to Rebecca telling her I was home. I had a great desire to go and see her, and toyed with the idea of going down to Cornwall the very next day.

I could not do that though. The Fitzgeralds were coming tomorrow, and I could not leave Celeste who was so delighted that I was back.

I would stay in London for a week at least, so in the meantime I would console myself by sending a letter to Rebecca.

I wrote to her at some length, telling her that I was home. But I did not mention Jean Pascal. That was something I could only convey to her when we were alone. The letter would be posted next day.

One of the maids came in, took the tray away and asked if there was anything I needed.

I told her there was not.

How peaceful it was! How different from that room in the chateau which had aroused in me such feelings of foreboding. It was as though it were warning me. Of marriage with Jean Pascal? Even to contemplate that sent a shiver down my spine. Why should I be so scared? People could not be made to marry where they did not want to. Here I felt safe from Jean Pascal. There would be no need to lock my door.

That night, before getting into my bed, I went to the window and looked out across to the enclosed gardens and the street lamp. Just for a moment I fancied I saw a figure lurking in the shadows. It was merely the effect produced by the light, but for a second or so it startled me. I thought, am I going to be haunted all my life? The next day the Fitzgeralds called, and Phillida’s gaiety and Roland’s quiet charm made a good impression on Celeste.

Phillida talked amusingly about her adventures in France and the trouble she had had with the language; and Celeste laughed a good deal, which was rare for her. Before they left they received an invitation to dinner the following night which they accepted with alacrity.

Celeste said, “I want to thank you for looking after Lucie.”

“It was our pleasure,” replied Roland.

“The journey was such fun,” added Phillida, “particularly when we thought we were going to miss the train in Paris. Then we realized we had misunderstood the time. It is so difficult, you know, when they let out that stream of words... and numbers are particularly tricky.”

Celeste was quietly animated.

“They are so charming,” she said, when they had gone. “The sort of people you become very friendly with quickly. I look forward to seeing them tomorrow night.” I was delighted to see how much they all seemed to like each other. That afternoon I called on the Greenhams. I knew it was going to be painful but I wanted to find out all I could about Joel, and I guessed, in view of my relationship with him, they would regard me as one of the family.

I was shown into the drawing room. Lady Greenham was not there and Sir John was alone.

He took both my hands in his and said, “How are you, Lucie?”

“I am well,” I replied.

“My wife is very poorly,” he told me. “She is really not well enough to see anyone.”

“I understand. It must have been a terrible shock for her.”

“For us all. I’m afraid she is taking it rather badly.”

“I was wondering if you have any details. Gerald ...”

“Gerald is back at his duties. We only know what you have been told. There is nothing more to be said.”

“It is all rather mysterious.”

“It happens, Lucie.”

“I thought perhaps ...”

“We are trying to grow away from it. You understand what I mean. It is over. There is nothing we can do.”

We were silent.

“Would you care for a glass of sherry?” he asked.

“No, thank you.”

I had an idea that this interview was as painful for him as it was for me, and I wanted to end it as soon as possible.

“I think I should be going,” I said. “Do give my best wishes to Lady Greenham.”

“I will,” he said, and looked relieved.

I felt a little hurt, and that my call had been unwelcome.

It was very strange. In the past they had always been so friendly. They had behaved as though I were a member of the family. Of course, that friendship had been with my father; but whenever we had visited I always felt very welcome; and in view of my relationship with Joel I really did feel very close. I was a little subdued and surprised that now I felt like a stranger intruding on their grief, which surely they knew was mine also.