Филиппа Карр - The Black Swan

“I appreciate your concern, but you needn’t worry. I shall go to Yorkshire and it will work out all right.”

“You’re really going to get a house up there?”

“That’s the idea.”

“When are you going?”

“Almost at once. They have found a house which they are renting. It’s near Bradford which I believe is the center of the wool trade.”

“That’s miles away.”

“Not so far really. We shall get a house nearer Bradford, but just at first we shall be in-or near-a little village called Bracken. It sounds rather rural.”

“It will be lonely up there.”

“Oh, there are stables and we shall have horses. In any case, we shall be busy looking at houses and then, when we have found one, getting it ready to move into. We shall not, I suppose, be long in Gray Stone House.”

“That’s the name of this house in this Bracken place, is it? Gray Stone House?”

“Yes, that is it.”

“Gray Stone sounds dreary.”

“Most stone is grayish and the country round about will be beautiful. But as I say, we shall only be there a short while.”

She came to me impulsively and put her arms round me.

“I’ll be thinking of you, Lucie.”

“And I of you.”

“I do wish that you and Joel ... I think that would be so wonderful. You’re just right for each other.”

“Please, Belinda ...”

She went on, “Roland’s a dear, but he is a little dull... isn’t he? Not like a politician going on missions and getting kidnapped.”

“That’s nothing to do with it, Belinda.”

“You’re going to change your mind,” she said, her eyes lighting up. “You’re going to do something. You’re going to be bold.”

“I am going to Yorkshire, Belinda. I shall be with my husband.”

“To old Gray Stone House ... in that Bracken place.”

I nodded.

“Oh, Lucie... Lucie... !”

I was surprised, for there were genuine tears in her eyes. I avoided Joel before I left. I dared not see him, for I felt the temptation to leave everything and go with him, would be too great to resist. Belinda and Bobby had gone. They were very tender toward me. I told them how happy I was that their affairs seemed to be working out to their satisfaction. Belinda said, “You must come and stay with us soon, mustn’t she, Bobby?”

“The sooner the better,” added Bobby.

“It would be nice if you were there when the baby was born.”

“We must arrange that,” said Bobby.

How happy they were, in spite of their difficulties. Belinda had no doubt that they would soon be overcome and she carried Bobby along with her. What would Belinda have done in my position? I asked myself. She would have gone with Joel. I had no doubt of that. Any trouble which ensued would be settled by others. But I knew I had to go to Roland.

Celeste was sorry to see me leave. She wanted to come with me to the station, but I hated platform good-byes and said it would be better for me to go alone. When I arrived at the station I was surprised to see Joel there. He had called at the house and Celeste had told him that I had already left. He came onto the platform with me and saw me onto the train. He stood looking at me pleadingly.

“It’s not too late, Lucie,” he said. “Don’t go.”

“I must, Joel.”

The guard was blowing his whistle and in seconds the train would begin to move. He took my hand and held it as though he would never let it go.

He said, “Lucie, if you would change your mind... I’ll be waiting.”

I saw him through a haze of tears as we began to move out of the station.

A fly had brought me from the station and as soon as I entered Gray Stone House a feeling of chill descended on me. I did not know why I should feel this, for it was much as I had expected. Built of gray stone, as its name indicated, rather ugly and somewhat isolated. It was that isolation which struck me at once. The country was of the moorland type-flattish and craggy. I could see for miles around and there was only one sign of habitation on the horizon. It looked as though it might be a farmhouse.

Phillida was watching me anxiously.

“We’re not very far from Bradford,” she told me. “And we shan’t be here long.”

“No, I suppose not.”

“Come and see the house.”

I stepped into a hall and my sense of despondency deepened. I told myself that it was because I was thinking of Joel ... of never seeing him again... turning my back on true love and accepting that for which I had once been grateful, before I was absolutely sure of the depth of my feeling for Joel.

The hall was darkish, for the windows of Gray Stone House were small and leaded, but fairly large and there were several doors leading out of it.

“The first thing is for Lucie to inspect the property,” declared Phillida, “always remembering, Lucie dear, that it is not for long.”

Roland put his arm through mine. “The house we shall have will be quite different,” he said. “But it seemed a good idea to take this for a short period.”

“Other people’s furniture never seems right,” commented Phillida. “I suppose it is because it is not what one would have chosen oneself.”

She threw open one of the doors and disclosed what I supposed was a drawing room. It was heavily curtained and again I was aware of the darkness. There was a fireplace with a mantelshelf on which were two vases, decorated with flowers, and an ormolu clock. The room was conventionally furnished with a couch and several chairs. The dining room, laundry room and kitchen were all close together. As soon as Phillida opened the kitchen door I saw Kitty.

“Hello, Kitty,” I said.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Fitzgerald,” said Kitty.

“Of course, we had to bring Kitty with us,” explained Phillida. “She looks after us very well, don’t you, Kitty?”

“I do my best,” mumbled Kitty. “I expect you’re ready for dinner.”

“How right you are!” cried Phillida.

She shut the door and cried, “Oh, while you’re here, I must show you. There’s another room down here. It’s quite small but it suits me. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve claimed it as mine. It’s my little herbary.”

“This will be where you keep your remedies,” I said.

“Exactly.”

There was a trunk in one corner and, seeing my eyes stray to it, Phillida went on, “There was no room for that upstairs. It’s rather weighty too. It’s got some books and clothes in it. I said they needn’t bother to take it up. After all, we’re not going to be here long.”

“You know what Phillida is with her herbs,” said Roland.

“Oh, yes. I’ve been missing the nightcap while I’ve been away.”

“And obviously you are in need of it. You don’t look so good as when we last saw you - but you are going to be better now.”

“Of course... when she is with us, I hope,” said Roland, smiling fondly at me.

And I thought, how could I ever hurt them? But what of Joel? Wasn’t I hurting him? “You are very pensive, Lucie dear,” said Phillida breezily. “I don’t think you are exactly enamoured of the house.”

“Well, as you say, it is only a starting-off point.”

“Exactly. That’s just it. Come on. Let’s show you upstairs. There are four rooms ... a largish bedroom which has been designated to you and Roland. The next m size shall be mine. And there are two other smaller bedrooms.” We inspected the bedrooms and I saw the short spiral staircase which led to the attics.

“Kitty’s quarters,” said Phillida.

“Will she be able to manage the house?”

“Yes ... for the time we are here. As we keep saying, it isn’t going to be very long.”

“I’m sure it is not,” added Roland.

Phillida looked at him and laughed. “It really is so exciting,” she said.

I wished I could agree with her.

Darkness fell. Kitty filled lamps with paraffin oil and lighted the wicks. The place looked dismal in the shrouded glow they gave. I felt an impulse to run out of the house.

In the dining room we partook of the stew which Kitty had made. It was hot, quite appetizing and I felt better. Roland was watching me anxiously. “You’ll get used to it,” he said quietly. “Remember it isn’t going to be for long.

We’ll soon find something, then you’ll laugh at all this.”

“I think it’s fine,” said Phillida.

Kitty had made an apple pie which she brought in proudly.

“The oven’s quite good,” she said.

“You’ve done wonders, Kitty,” Phillida told her. “Don’t you think so, Lucie?”

“Oh, yes, I do.”

When the meal was over I said I would finish my unpacking.

Roland said he wanted to go out to look at the stables and see about horses for us.

He had wanted to consult me and tomorrow would go and see what he could find. I went up to the bedroom which had been allotted to Roland and me. There was a large walk-in cupboard which would be useful. I tried to lift my spirits by repeating what Roland and Phillida were constantly saying: it will not be for long. Yes, it will, I thought, it will be for ever.

I toyed with the thought of telling Roland. I knew he would be sympathetic and understanding. It would be better than letting him think I had turned from him. I could not bear to contemplate his caresses. I knew now that I could not be happy with any man but Joel.

There was a knock on the door. It was Phillida, bright and breezy as ever.

“How are you getting on?” she asked.

“Oh, quite well.”

She came into the room. “I’m afraid you are a little disappointed in this place.”

“Oh... it’s all right. It is rather lonely.”

“You feel shut off from everything, do you? But there are the three of us. We’ll be all right together. Roland and I are getting used to it. It was just that we couldn’t find anything else and we thought... just for a short time ...”

“It will look a lot brighter when the sun shines.”

“We’ll start in earnest tomorrow. I just love looking at houses... particularly with the prospect of buying one. Houses are fascinating, I always think. Ugh ... it’s a bit chilly in here, don’t you think?”

“Yes, it is a little.”

“The window’s open. Shall we shut it?”

“Yes,” I said and went over to it. I froze with horror. Standing below, looking up at the window, was a figure in a cloak and opera hat.

I gave a little cry.

“So chilly,” Phillida was saying. “I think we shall need some fires in the bedrooms.” I was not listening. I was just standing there, staring down. And as I did so, he lifted his hat. Clearly I saw the widow’s peak.

I heard Phillida’s voice, “What is it, Lucie?”

She rose and came to stand beside me. I turned to her almost triumphantly because he was still there. Phillida was staring blankly out of the window. “What is it?” she said. “What are you looking at?”

“Look-look! He’s there.”

“What? Where””

“Down there.” I turned to her. “Surely you can see ...”

She was looking at me incredulously. I saw fear in her face. “Oh ... my God!” I heard her murmur. She sat down on the bed.

I went to her. “You saw, Phillida. No one can say I imagined it now.”

She looked at me pityingly. “Oh, Lucie... Lucie ... I don’t know what to say.”

I dragged her back to the window.

He was gone.

“You saw him... you can confirm ...”

She shook her head and avoided looking at me.

“Lucie... I’m sorry ... I saw nothing. There was nothing there.”

“You can’t mean that. You’re lying ...”

“Oh, Lucie, I wish I were.”

I was astounded and angry.

I cried, “You did see him. You must have. He was standing there. He took off his hat and bowed. You must have seen his hair.”

“Lucie, my dear, dear Lucie, there was no one there.”

“I saw him, I tell you, I saw him.”

“Lucie dear, you have had a terrible shock... sometimes it takes a long time to get over these things.”

“You are not telling the truth. Why do you lie?”

“How I wish I were! How I wish I could say I saw him. I’d give anything to say I did. But I didn’t. I just didn’t. Truly... there was no one there.” I covered my face with my hands. She was lying, I was telling myself. She must be.

But why?

Roland had come into the room. “What on earth is the matter?” he asked.

“Oh, Roland ...” said Phillida. “It was terrible ...”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Lucie saw ... or thought she saw ...”