Джорджетт Хейер - The Convenient Marriage

When they were once more in the street Captain Heron began to shake with silent laughter.

“What the devil’s the matter with you?” said the Viscount, pausing to frown at him.

Captain Heron grasped the railing. “His face!” he choked. “You breaking in in the middle of his breakfast—oh lord!”

“Ha!” said Sir Roland. “Middle of his breakfast, was he? Dashed amusing!”

Suddenly the humour of the situation dawned upon the Viscount. He went off into a crack of laughter. Mr Drelincourt, peering from between the curtains of his room, was infuriated by the sight of his three visitors doubled up with mirth on the pavement.

Captain Heron let go the railings at last. “Where now?” he asked faintly.

“White’s,” decided the Viscount. “Won’t be anyone there at this hour. We must think this out.”

“I’m not a member, you know,” said Captain Heron.

“What’s that matter? Pom ain’t either. I am, though,” replied the Viscount, and led the way up the street.

They found the coffee-room in the club deserted, and took possession of it. The Viscount stretched himself in a chair, and thrust his hands into his breeches pockets.

“Say Lethbridge started from Maidenhead at ten,” he mused. “He’ll arrive about one. Maybe earlier. Drives fast horses.”

Sir Roland was inclined to cavil at this. “Wouldn’t start at ten, Pel. Too early.”

“What’s to keep him?” asked the Viscount. “Nothing to do in Maidenhead that I ever heard of.”

“There’s a bed, ain’t there? Do you ever get up before nine? Lay you odds he don’t either. Call it eleven.”

“Does it signify?” inquired Captain Heron, adjusting his sash.

“Signify? Of course it signifies!” replied the Viscount. “We’ve got to intercept the fellow. Does he take his luncheon on the road, Pom?”

“Takes his lunch at Longford—King’s Head,” said Sir Roland.

“Or Colnbrook,” said the Viscount. “They do you a very good dish of mutton and broiled mushrooms at the George.”

“No, no, Pel,” said Sir Roland gently. “You’re thinking of the Pigeons at Brentford.”

The Viscount devoted some thought to this, and came to the conclusion that his friend was right. “Well, then, call it Longford. Lunches at noon. Won’t get to London before two.”

“I wouldn’t say that, Pel,” objected Sir Roland.

“Damme, you must give the fellow time to sit a bit over his wine!”

“Not at Longford,” said Sir Roland simply. “He won’t sit over his wine at the King’s Head.”

“Well, if it’s like that, he won’t take his luncheon there,” said the Viscount. “That puts us out.”

Captain Heron sat up. “Stop talking about his luncheon!” he begged. “He’ll eat it somewhere, and that’s all that concerns us. How are you going to intercept him?”

The Viscount let his chin sink into his cravat, and pondered deeply.

“Short of holding him up, you can’t do it,” said Captain Heron. “You can only wait for him at his house.”

The Viscount jerked himself in his chair. “You’ve hit it, Edward! That’s a devilish good idea of yours! We’ll do it.”

“What, wait for him in Half-Moon Street? I don’t say it’s a good idea, but—”

“Lord no!” interrupted the Viscount. “No sense in that. We’ll hold him up.”

“Good God, that wasn’t my idea!” said Captain Heron, alarmed.

“Of course it was your idea; you thought of it, didn’t you? And one thing I will say, Edward, I never expected it of you. Always thought you too devilish respectable.”

“You were right,” said Captain Heron firmly. “I am as respectable as can be. I won’t be a party to any hold-up.”

“Why not?” No harm in it. Shan’t hurt the fellow—much.”

“Pelham, will you have some sense? Consider my uniform!”

Sir Roland, who had been pensively sucking the end of his cane, raised his head. “Got a notion,” he said. “Go home and change it. Can’t hold a man up in regimentals. Wouldn’t be reasonable to expect it of him, Pel.”

“Lord, you don’t suppose we’ll any of us do it dressed like this, do you? We want greatcoats and masks.”

“I’ve got a roquelaure,” said Sir Roland helpfully. “Had it made for me last month by Grogan. Meant to show it to you, Pel. Pretty shade of grey—silver buttons, but I don’t know about the lining. Grogan was all for a Carmelite silk, but I’m not sure I care for it, not at all sure.”

“Well, you can’t hold up a chaise in a silk-lined roquelaure. We’ve got to have frieze coats and mufflers.”

Sir Roland shook his head. “Can’t be done, Pel. You got a frieze coat, Heron?”

“No, thank God, I haven’t!” said Captain Heron.

“Nor have I,” said the Viscount, springing up. “And that’s why we must get hold of that fellow we left at Lethbridge’s. Come along! We’ve no time to waste.”

Sir Roland rose, and said admiringly: “Dashed if I should ever have thought of that. It’s you who have the head, Pel, not a doubt of it.”

“Pelham, do you realize that in all probability it was that ruffian who kidnapped your sister?” demanded Captain Heron.

“Do you think so? Yes, by God, I believe you’re right! Said he was waiting for twenty guineas, didn’t he? Well, if Lethbridge can hire him so can we,” declared the Viscount, and strode out.

Captain Heron caught him up in the street. “Pelham, it’s all very well, but we can’t do a hare-brained thing like that! If we’re caught I’m like to be broke.”

“Well, it always beat me why you ever wanted to go into the Army,” said the Viscount. “But if you want to rat, Pom and I can do it without you!”

Sir Roland, shocked, said: “Pel, dear old boy, Pel! Think what you’re saying! Heron ain’t ratting. Only said he’d be broke if we was caught. Mustn’t jump down a man’s throat just because he makes a remark.”

“If it were for anyone but Horry, I would rat,” said Captain Heron. “Why in thunder don’t you wait for Lethbridge to come home, Pelham? If three of us can’t get the brooch away from him without masquerading as highwaymen—”

“Because this is a better way!” said the Viscount. “Great thing is to avoid a scandal. If I put a pistol to the fellow’s head, and he calls me out, where are we then? Worse off than ever! Affair’s bound to come to Rule’s ears, and if you think he won’t suspect Horry’s in it, you don’t know him. This way, we’ll have the brooch without a breath of scandal, and no one the wiser. Now, are you with me, or not, Edward?”

“Yes, I’m with you,” said Captain Heron. “There is something in what you say, if it doesn’t go awry!”

“It can’t go awry, man—unless that rogue’s left Lethbridge’s house.”

“Can’t have done that,” said Sir Roland. “Said he was going to stay there till he had his twenty guineas. Lethbridge not back—can’t have had ’em. Must be there still.”

Sir Roland proved to be right. When they arrived once more in Half-Moon Street, the burly man was still seated in the hall. The porter, as soon as he saw who it was on the doorstep, made a spirited attempt to slam the door. This was frustrated by Sir Roland, who hurled himself against it with great presence of mind, and nearly knocked the breath out of the porter by jamming him between the door and the wall. When he had extricated himself he found all three gentlemen inside the hall again, and groaned. However, as soon as it was explained to him that they only wanted to take away the burly man, he brightened considerably, and even permitted them to hail that worthy into the saloon for a little private conversation.

The burly man, confronted by the Viscount’s pistol, flung up his hands. “Don’t you go for to let off that pop, your honour!” he said huskily. “I ha’n’t done you a mite o’ harm!”

“Not a mite,” agreed the Viscount. “What’s more, I won’t do you any harm if you behave yourself. What’s your name? Come on, man, I’ve got to call you something, haven’t I?”

“You call me Ned. Ned Hawkins,” replied the burly man. “It ain’t the name, but it’s one I got a fancy for. Edward Hawkins, that’s me, at your service, gen’lemen.”

“We don’t want another Edward,” objected Sir Roland. “Heron’s name’s Edward, and we shall only get ’em mixed up.”

“Well, I don’t mind being Frederick—to oblige the company,” conceded Mr Hawkins.

“Hawkins will do,” replied the Viscount. “You’re on the High Toby, aren’t you?”

“Me?” exclaimed Mr Hawkins virtuously. “Cross me heart if—”

“That’ll do,” interrupted the Viscount. “Blew the hat off your head on Shooter’s Hill six months ago. Now I’ve got a piece of work for you to do. What do you say to twenty guineas, eh?”

Mr Hawkins recoiled. “Dang me if ever I works with a flash cull again, that’s what I says!”

The Viscount lifted his pistol. “Then I’ll hold you, while my friend there goes for a constable.”

“You dassn’t!” grinned Mr Hawkins. “You get me put in the Whit, and I takes his peevy lordship with me—ah, and how’ll you like that?”

“Pretty well,” said the Viscount. “He’s no friend of mine. Friend of yours?”

Mr Hawkins spat comprehensively. Sir Roland, his sense of propriety offended, interposed. “Here, I say, Pel, can’t have the fellow spitting all over another man’s house. Bad ton, dear boy. Devilish bad!”

“Don’t do that again!” ordered the Viscount. “What’s the use of it? Diddled you out of your money, hasn’t he?”

“Ay, loped off,” growled Mr Hawkins. “A boman prig, he is! When I gets my hands on him—”

“I can help you do that,” said the Viscount. “What do you say to holding him up?—for twenty guineas?”

Mr Hawkins looked suspiciously from one to the other. “What’s the lay?” he demanded.

“He’s got something I want,” said the Viscount briefly. “Make up your mind! The Watch, or twenty guineas?”

Mr Hawkins caressed his stubby chin. “Who’s in it? All of you coves?” he inquired.

“All of us. We’re going to hold up his chaise.”

“What, in them toges?” said Mr Hawkins, indicating the Viscount’s gold-laced coat.

“Of course not, you fool!” answered the Viscount impatiently. “That’s what we want you for. We must have three greatcoats like your own, and masks.”

A broad grin spread over Mr Hawkins’s countenance. “Damn my blood, but I like your spirit!” he announced. “I’ll do it! Where is this cull?”

“On the Bath Road, heading for London.”

“That’ll mean the Heath, that will,” nodded Mr Hawkins. “When’s it for?”

“Any time after noon. Can’t say precisely.”

Mr Hawkins pulled down his mouth. “Dang me if I like it, then. I like to work when the tattler’s up, see?”

“If there’s one thing we don’t want it’s any tattlers,” replied the Viscount firmly.

“Lord love your honour, ain’t you ever heard on the moon?”

“The moon! By the time that’s up our man will be safe in this house. This is daylight or nothing.”

Mr Hawkins sighed. “Just as you say, your honour. And you wants a set of toges and snaps? Bring your own nags?”

“Own horses, own pistols,” agreed the Viscount.

“You’ll have to mount me, then, Pelham,” put in Captain Heron.

“Mount you with pleasure, my dear fellow.”

“Own pops?” said Mr Hawkins. “Us bridle culls don’t use them little pops all over wedge, your honour.”

The Viscount glanced down at his pistol. “What’s wrong with it? Devilish good pistol. Gave a hundred guineas for the pair.”

Mr Hawkins pointed a grimy finger at the silver mountings. “All that wedge. That’s what’s wrong with it.”

“Oh, very well,” said the Viscount. “But I like my own pistols, you know. Now where do we get these coats and mufflers?”

“You know the Half-Way House?” said Mr Hawkins. “That’s where I’ll be. There’s a flash ken thereabouts, where I keeps my nag. I’ll be off there now, and when you comes, why dang me if I don’t have the toges and tyes ready for you!”

“And how do I know you will be there?” said the Viscount.

“Because I wants twenty guineas,” replied Mr Hawkins logically. “And because I wants to get my hands on that boman prig. That’s how.”

An hour later three gentlemen might have been observed riding soberly out to Knightsbridge. Captain Heron, bestriding a raking chestnut from the Viscount’s stables, had changed his scarlet regimentals and his powdered wig for a plain suit of buff, and a brown tie-wig. He had found time, before joining the Viscount at his lodging, to call in Grosvenor Square again, where he had found Horatia in a fever of anxiety. When she learned of the new development in the affair, she first expressed herself as extremely dissatisfied that no one had killed the wretched Mr Drelincourt, and it was some few minutes before Captain Heron could induce her to speak of anything but that gentleman’s manifold iniquities. When her indignation had abated somewhat he laid the Viscount’s plan before her. This met with her instant approval. It was the cleverest notion she had ever heard of, and of course it could not fail.