I wanted to accompany him. I should have loved to see the celebrated Bernard.

Of course I was not allowed to, and when he did come back I was amazed to see how chastened he was.

“There is something about the man,” he admitted. “Something spiritual.”

“Have you promised to withdraw your support from Anacletus?” I asked him.

“I was bemused by him,” he admitted. “One really did feel that one was in the presence of a saint.”

Now, I thought, all will be well. This silly business will be settled. We shall be at peace with our neighbors. Raymond would have said this was the wise thing to do.

My father was a strange man. He had certainly been impressed by Bernard. He had come back subdued, and remained so for a whole week.

One evening, when we were in the great hall, my father sat listening to the singing with a brooding look in his eyes. I was beside him as I often was at this time. The lute-player was singing a love song about a lady who bore a strong resemblance to myself. Petronilla was at my side listening intently.

Then my father spoke. He said quite softly so that only I heard him: “A plague on these reformers. I’ll have my own way. I’ll not be led by them.”

I said: “Do you speak of Bernard?”

He said in a loud voice: “I speak of all who would seek to rule me. This is my land and I am the master of it.”

The next day he rode with a party to Montierneuf and smashed the altar on which Bernard had said Mass, and he declared that all those who supported Innocent should be driven from his kingdom.

I was beginning to learn that my father was not the great ruler I had thought him to be; nor, I supposed, had my grandfather been. Neither of them had had any great success in battle; both were men who followed their own desires to such an extent that they could not see any other point of view. My grandfather had died excommunicated from the Church—and the Church was a force to reckon with. Because of his colorful personality, he had won the affection of his people; my father did not have that.

It is all very well for a ruler to be strong; that he must be. But when the forces against him are so great that they are superior in every way, he should reconsider his position and avoid unnecessary danger. My father was a stubborn man. If he found himself on the wrong path, his pride would not allow him to retrace his steps. He must go on. Only a miracle could change him. Who would have thought that a miracle was possible?

Bernard must have had some spiritual power. I would not have believed it could happen any more than my father did; but both of us were forced in the end to believe what was an actual fact.

It was hardly likely that my father’s intransigence would be allowed to pass.

Bernard of Clairvaux was not accustomed to being flouted. He had preached to my father; he had persuaded him; he had, he believed, led him out of his evil ways—and as soon as Bernard had gone my father reverted to them!

Bernard came once more to Poitou to see him.

Although my father refused to see him, that did not deter Bernard. He remained in Poitou, visiting the town, preaching to the people. Wherever he went there were crowds. He was a later Jesus Christ—and I believe that was how he saw himself. People fell down and worshipped him; they declared themselves enemies of sin and the Devil forever more.

And my father still refused to admit him to the palace.

When Bernard arrived in Poitiers and preached in the square, people came from miles around to beg for his blessing.

My father could not allow him to use his city, his church. He rode into the town to see what was happening. I do not know what he intended to do. I was afraid that in his stubborn recklessness he would seek open conflict with Bernard; and I could guess what the outcome of that might be.

When he arrived in the center of the town, Bernard was already in the church celebrating Mass. The crowd outside was great, for the church was not big enough to hold all the people. My father pushed his way through the press of people and stood at the door of the church. I can imagine the silence. Bernard was holding the Host and when he saw my father, still carrying the Host, he walked slowly down the aisle toward him. I could imagine my father, choking with anger, because this man who had come into his territory was acting as though he owned it. So great would his anger have been that he drew his sword. Nearer and nearer to each other came the two men. My father, sword in hand, and Bernard holding the Host. It must have been the most dramatic confrontation the watchers had ever seen.

Then Bernard began to castigate my father; he said he had spurned God, that he had desecrated the Church and had rejected God’s servant.

Closer and closer they came to each other and the people waited breathlessly for what would happen next. Would my father slay the saint?

Bernard had no fear. Such men never have. They embrace martyrdom as the worldly do their lovers. It would not surprise me if, at the moment, Bernard hoped my father would kill him, for if he did that would no doubt be the end of my father—and such men as Bernard are vengeful—and for Bernard the crown of glory.

Then the miracle happened. My father lifted his sword, for having come so far a man such as he was could not retreat. Bernard came nearer, waiting for the blow, but as my father raised his arm, he fell suddenly at Bernard’s feet.

This was seen as the power of God against the forces of evil. The sword had no power to strike the Host.

My father lay on the floor, and Bernard made him rise and make his peace with God.

The strange thing was that my father was able to get to his feet, and Bernard embraced and kissed him.

“Go in peace, my son,” he said.

The miracle had brought about the effect which Bernard had desired. My father had been vanquished. There would be no more objections to Innocent, no more support for the man whom his enemies called the anti-Pope.

My father came back to us, a changed man.

He was never the same again. He was given to moods of melancholy. Immediately after his return he shut himself in the palace. It was a shattering experience to have been shown so clearly that God was displeased with him.

Bernard was a saint. He was sure of that. The man had proved it. And he himself was a miserable sinner.

Everyone was afraid to go near him—with the exception of myself, and even I went tentatively at first. But I soon found that he wanted me with him. He wanted to talk to someone, and he could do that with me more easily than with anyone else.

He explained to me how he had lifted his sword. “I was going to strike a holy man. What if I had? I should have been damned forever.”

“But you did not,” I soothed. “You were saved in time.”

“Bernard saved me. He looked into my eyes ... such glittering eyes he has. I seemed to lose myself in them; and there he was ... holding the Host, and my knees buckled under me. I found myself swaying like an aspen in the wind. It was as though something flowed over me ... like a gigantic wave ... and there was I, helpless at his feet.”

“Try to forget it,” I said. “It is over.”

“It will live with me forever. I see that I have failed and not done what I should for my country ... and for God. What shall I do, Eleanor my child? What shall I do?”

“Forget what has happened. Have no more trouble with these Popes. Let them fight their own battles. Rule Aquitaine. This is your country. What else matters?”

“I fear I have not done well. There is unrest in the country more than there was during my father’s time.”

“Your father did not worry with such matters as you do.”

“No, he was content in his Courts of Love.”

“As you must be.”

“I am different from my father. I see how neglectful I have been of my duties. My dear wife died ... and our son with her. I am left with two daughters.”

“We are as good as any sons, Father.”

He smiled at me. “There is none like you, my dear child, nor ever could be, but you are a woman. There will be trouble when I am gone if there is not a strong hand on the reins.”

I held out my hands to him. “They are strong, Father.”

“They are beautiful ... soft as a woman’s should be. You do not understand, dear child. There should be a male heir.”

“You have me now.”

I was shaken with horror at his next words. “It is not too late.”

“What do you mean?”

“I must do my duty. It is expected of me. I am going to change my ways. I have been brought face to face with the truth. Because I did not wish to marry again I thrust the matter out of my mind. But I see that I must.”

“No!” I cried.

“My dear daughter,” he said, “you want to be the ruler of Aquitaine. That is because you do not know what it entails. It would bring you little joy. It is a task for a man.”

“But you have said you have not done well, and you are a man.”

“This is not the time to twist words, dear daughter. I have been thinking over the past days that I must marry. I must give Aquitaine a son. If only your brother had lived ...”

I stood up and, without asking permission, left him.

How weak he was, how clinging. He could not bear that I should withhold myself from him. When I look back, I am amazed at the power I had in that Court. I was thirteen years old but more like eighteen. I was both physically and mentally developed beyond most girls of my age. I had been in the forcing-ground of maturity ever since I was born. I had seen romantic love and lust in my grandfather’s Court; I had gradually become aware of my father’s weakness; I had seen him disintegrate before my eyes. Oddly enough, this made me feel strong. It made me more certain than ever that when the time came I should be capable of ruling Aquitaine. I should not have made the mistakes I had seen my father make. I should not have considered the Popes’ quarrel mine. I should never have given way to the influence of Bernard.

And now my father, in his weakened state, was reaching out to me. I felt strong, important. Aquitaine was going to be mine.

My father sent for me. He told me with some humility that he had not meant to hurt me. He thought I was wonderful. Many of the young men at Court admired me, looked up to me as an ideal. That pleased him. He, too, venerated me. He knew that I was no ordinary girl. He was proud of me.

“And yet you would replace me by some sickly boy!”

“I merely feel that a son would be more acceptable to the people. I have not thought enough of my people, Eleanor. There is no reason why the boy should be sickly.”

“You are becoming old now. I believe the age of its parents has an effect on a child. Here am I strong and healthy, the daughter of your youth. I can read and write with ease; I can reason. Rest assured I shall be fit to govern when the time comes.”

“I doubt it not. But the people want to look to a man.”

“Where will you find this bride?”

“I must look for her.”

“Then I suppose you will go on a pilgrimage to some shrine or other to pray for a fertile wife.”

“A pilgrimage,” he said slowly. “Perhaps I should go on a pilgrimage.”

I thought: If it is going to stop these thoughts of marriage, yes, certainly you should go.

I said: “You have been deeply disturbed by what has happened to you in the church. You need to make your peace with God before you think of marriage.”

He stared at me incredulously. “By all the saints, I believe you are right.”

He had made up his mind. He would go on a pilgrimage; he would earn complete forgiveness for his past sins; he would find favor in the eyes of God. He would go not as a great ruler but as the humblest pilgrim without splendor of any sort; his garment should be a sackcloth robe; he would endure all the hardships of a long journey; and the more discomfort he endured the more quickly his sins would be wiped away. He would return to Aquitaine in triumph, and God would give him a fruitful bride.

Being headstrong, as he always had been, when he came to a hasty decision he found it hard to wait to put it into action; and when what he thought of as a great opportunity came, he was ready to seize it.

Emma, daughter of the Viscount of Limoges, had been married to Barden of Cognac who had recently died. The heiress of Limoges seemed to my father an excellent bride. He became convinced that God had removed Barden of Cognac to show him, William, the way.