Maya Banks - The Darkest Hour

Somehow she’d stumbled onto unwelcome territory. Either he was unhappy with his decision to quit or there was some other reason she didn’t know. More than ever her lack of memory frustrated her. How was she supposed to forge a future when the past lay silent?

Determined that the day wouldn’t be ruined by things beyond her control, she swam after Ethan, colliding with him midway in a tangle of arms and legs.

Laughing around mouthfuls of water, she beat at his shoulders. “You planned that!”

“You two having fun?”

Rachel looked toward the dock to see Sam standing there at the end, watching them with amused eyes. Today she couldn’t remember why she was so guarded around him, and she let her good mood take over.

“Come in,” she said with a wave. “The water’s not too cold.”

“I know exactly how damn cold—”

He was cut off midsentence when he pitched forward into the water. Rachel stared in shock as Garrett doubled over laughing from the end of the dock where he’d shoved Sam over.

Sam came up sputtering, and he turned with a shout in Garrett’s direction. “You son of a bitch! I’ll get you for this. Kelly motto number two. Don’t get mad, get even.”

Garrett just howled louder. Donovan ambled behind him and gave both brothers a curious look.

“Dude, it’s better to wear swimming trunks. Getting wet jeans off is a bitch.”

“Oh fuck you, Van,” Sam grumbled.

Rachel couldn’t control herself any longer. Laughter bubbled up and spilled over. She laughed so hard, she had to reach down to grab her sides and then sputtered when her head sank below the surface.

Ethan yanked her back up and held her by the arm as she laughed and spit simultaneously.

Garrett grinned down at Sam. “There. That had to be worth the unexpected swim.”

Sam smiled good-naturedly. “Yeah, you got me there. Just, next time? You can make her laugh by going in.”

This she could remember. Lots of laughing and joking. Good times in the summer. Them all swimming until late in the evening. Having a beer on the dock with their feet dangling in the water. Watching the spawning bream in late spring.

Here, happiness didn’t seem so far away. It wasn’t some distant point she couldn’t see ever reaching. It was present. It was everywhere. Hope was alive inside her. She didn’t want today to ever end.

“It doesn’t have to,” Ethan murmured.

She realized she’d said the last aloud.

“We can do this over and over. You’ll see, Rachel. We can have our life back. It just takes time.”

She twined her arms around his neck, momentarily forgetting his brothers as they argued and joked loudly in the distance.

“Do you really think so, Ethan? Sometimes I worry we can never get back the past. Other times like today I’m more hopeful. I hate not remembering. I hate it.”

He looked at her so seriously that she went silent. “The past . . . is the past, Rachel. All we can do is go forward. The past doesn’t matter. Just here and now and today and tomorrow. You’ll remember the past. You get back more with each passing day, but what’s important to us is tomorrow.”

She smiled and hugged him to her, pushing them both down toward the surface. He laughed and grappled for a moment as he fought to keep them afloat.

“Trying to drown me, woman?”

“You can’t drown a SEAL,” she taunted. “How embarrassing would that be?”

“God yes,” he muttered. “Shoot me, hang me, let me die of infection from a hangnail, but don’t let me die in the water. They’d send me to hell on principle.”

“You two want something to eat?” Garrett hollered from the dock.

Ethan waved him away. “Go away. I’m about to kiss my wife.”

And then he lowered his head and did just that.

“ARE you sure you feel up to this? We can always skip it and stay home tonight.”

Rachel glanced up to look at Ethan’s reflection in the mirror then laid her brush down.

“No, I want to go,” she said in an even voice. She understood Ethan’s concern. She even found it endearing, but her frustration grew with each passing day.

He looked doubtfully at her, but to his credit he didn’t argue.

“Okay, but I want you to promise me that if it gets to be too much you’ll tell me immediately.”

She nodded and smiled. “I will. But Ethan, I can’t keep hiding in this house.”

The walls were closing in on her, and what she didn’t tell him was that if she didn’t get out, she was going to go as crazy as everyone probably already thought she was.

Marlene had planned a welcome home party, though from Ethan’s muttered remarks, Rachel guessed the event had escalated beyond a simple family gathering. In her more morbid musings, Rachel thought it should be a welcome back from the dead party.

It still baffled her that everyone had thought she was dead for the entire year she was gone. In a lot of ways, she supposed it was the kindest thing they could have thought. They mourned. They moved on. Knowing she was alive and in captivity would have made them suffer. Like she’d suffered.

Her fingers trembled as she tried to grasp the brush again, and she fumbled clumsily at it to keep from dropping it.

The cravings hit her at the oddest times. Sometimes she could go days and forget about the poison that had surged through her veins with clockwork regularity. Other times she wanted it more than she wanted her next breath. But she’d never tell Ethan that. How could she?

He worried enough without her adding more to it.

Strong hands slid over her bare shoulders and squeezed. She glanced up to see him standing behind her at the mirror.

There was such warmth in his touch. A comfort that she needed as much as she’d once needed the drugs.

She sighed and leaned back into him, looking up as she did. His fingers glided up her neck to the slender column of her throat and to her jaw. Then he leaned down and kissed her forehead. Just one, brief, gentle kiss.

She made a sound of frustration when he pulled away, and he frowned.

“Something wrong?”

She stood and turned, tilting her neck so she could look up at him.

“I want you to kiss me, Ethan. A real kiss. I want it so much that it overwhelms me. I want to feel like a real wife, not some fraud you aren’t sure of. You haven’t kissed me again since that morning when I kissed you.”

As she spoke, she put her hands on his chest and emphasized her words with a firm push. He caught her hands and held them still over his heart.

“God, Rachel, I want it too. I want it so much I hurt. But I’m afraid, damn it. I’m afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. I’m afraid of frightening you just because I want to touch you more than I want my next breath.”

She trembled, but not in fear. An odd sensation raced up her spine, spreading in a warm glow that made her muscles tighten and her nipples pucker. It was then she realized that what she felt was desire, and she almost laughed.

She’d forgotten what it felt like to feel such pleasure, to experience the anticipation of her husband’s touch. It had been a long time since her pulse quickened with a simple glance. She missed it. God, she missed it.

The stirrings of desire had begun the morning she’d kissed him awake. She’d felt the unmistakable ache of awareness, but this, this was so intense that she thought she might go mad if the ache wasn’t assuaged.

“Kiss me,” she begged in a soft voice that was nearly inaudible.

With a groan, he pulled her close until her chest was crushed again his. His hands—he had such wonderful, strong hands—slid up her arms and then up her neck until he cupped her face.

Then he lowered his mouth to hers. Just before their lips touched, she heard his swift intake of breath, and he held it.

The warm shock of his mouth on hers was the most pleasurable sensation she’d felt in her scattered incomplete memories. Had it always been like this? Had she lived for such intimacies when they’d been married or had she taken them for granted the way most married couples do?

Never again. She’d savor each moment and hold it close. She knew firsthand how fast things could change, how easily a life could be shattered.

Eager to be an active participant in the kiss, she brushed her tongue across his, and sighed as he tenderly probed into her mouth in return.

Soft and so gentle, he deepened the kiss, his fingers thrusting upward into her hair, tangling as he pulled her even closer.

He shook against her, his chest throbbing with tightly held emotion. It overwhelmed her that this man felt so deeply, that he was as moved as she was and seemingly just as desperate for her touch as she was for his.

She reached up and tentatively stroked her fingers over the side of his neck and then over his clean-shaven jaw. She wanted to touch all of him, to relearn all the contours of his body. She wanted to see and touch, to explore and reclaim what was hers.

It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him she didn’t want to go to his parents’ after all.

With a ragged gasp he pulled away and then returned, pressing quick, breathless kisses to her mouth, to the corner of her lips and then her jaw.

“Tell me what you need, Rachel. I swear I’ll give it to you. Anything.”

It took all her courage to say what it was she most wanted. He’d made all the sacrifices so far. He’d been patient, understanding. He deserved this much. He deserved her courage.

“Will you make love to me? Tonight?”

Fire blazed in his eyes, turning them a brilliant shade of blue. He opened his mouth and just as quickly closed it. His nostrils flared with the effort of his breathing, and when he finally did speak, his voice was hoarse.

“I’ll make love to you, baby. I’ll do anything you want.”

She brushed her hand over his cheek, the need to touch him a living, breathing thing.

“Do you want me? I mean as a wife.”

The words came out rushed, and she stammered over the last. She didn’t realize she was holding her breath until it escaped in a jerky explosion.

He caught her hand and tucked his mouth into her palm. The kiss sent a shiver over her skin, raising chill bumps in its wake.

“Want you? I want you so much I hurt. There isn’t a time when I don’t want you. But I want you to feel safe and protected more. I’d never do anything to frighten you, but I worry that I’ll do it unintentionally. I can’t stand the thought of screwing up and hurting you.”

His face twisted in pain, and her heart surged, fluttering so wildly she had a hard time catching her breath.

“Ethan.”

It was all she could say. Her throat ached.

She rose up on tiptoe and kissed him. Hard, with all the passion she’d been afraid to show. It bubbled out, rising sharply until she thought she might well explode.

There was no finesse, certainly none of the skill of a practiced seduction. Her hands stabbed clumsily at his face and finally ended up clasped around his neck, her fingers toying with the short hairs at his nape.

When her starved lungs demanded she pull away, they were both gasping and pulling in big mouthfuls of air.

“You won’t hurt me, Ethan. I do feel safe with you. I knew the moment you showed up in my hut that I was saved. I dreamed of you. You were all I remembered of my life before. I held on to you when everything else fell away.”

He lowered his head until his forehead rested against hers. Their lips were so close that she could feel each of his breaths.

“I’m just sorry I wasn’t there sooner,” he said painfully.

She smiled and tilted her chin just enough that her lips brushed his again.

“You came. That’s all that matters.”

He sighed and pulled away. “Are you sure you want to go to Mom’s? I can always cancel.”

She shook her head. “No, she’s been planning this for days. I don’t want to disappoint her. Nathan and Joe are home for the night, and she seemed so thrilled to have everyone together at the same time. I gather this is somewhat of an unusual occurrence.”

He grinned. “Apart from Christmas, and even then it’s not always possible, it is hard to get everyone together. We’ve all served in the military, and all getting leave at the same time is pretty much impossible. It got a little easier when Sam and Garrett formed KGI. That only left Nathan and Joe enlisted.”

“Maybe we can all be together this Christmas,” she said. And she realized she really looked forward to Christmas trees, holiday music and big family get-togethers. The idea filled her with such longing that she knew it was something she must have loved.