This makes Lila giggle as she ducks her head and hops into the backseat with Ethan. I push the seat back, get in the car, and shut the door, then pull the visor down to block the sunlight.

Micha adjusts the driver’s seat before he closes the door and starts the engine. “So is everyone ready for this?” He looks around at the three of us, but when his eyes finally land on me I know he only really cares about my answer.

It takes me a second to answer and he notices my hesitation and his expression starts to fall. But even though my throat feels dry I manage to say, “Of course.” My voice trembles a little.

“Okay then.” Giving me a small but slightly forced smile, he backs down the driveway and drives toward the highway, toward home where all of this started. Where Micha and I first met, first talked, first played, kissed, fooled around, danced, said I love you.

Where Micha and I began.

* * *

We drive down the dark, desolate highway for hours, the moon a bright orb against the black sky and the trees on the side of the road only outlines. Music is playing from the speakers and Ethan is snoring in the backseat with his head against the headrest while Lila leans against him. I have my sketchpad opened on my lap and a pencil in my hand.

I’m supposed to be working on my portfolio over Christmas break for graduation in May. I’m not even sure exactly what I’m going to do when I graduate with my associate degree, but it’ll have something to do with art. Honestly, if I had my way, I’d spend all day with Micha, listening to him sing, while I draw things that mean something to me—things that move me. I wouldn’t want to draw so I could sell my art. Yes, it would be an added bonus, but doing it as a job would take some of my passion for creating away.

Right now all the pages in my sketchbook are blank or have unfinished pictures on them because I wasn’t feeling it and stopped. It’s supposed to be full of pieces that mean something to me, that will make people experience emotion, tell a passionate story from the heart. I can’t seem to find my angle and everything I start ends up feeling forced.

I wonder if my mom had this problem.

“So I’m trying to decide whether to tell my mom or not that we almost went through with a wedding without her,” Micha says, slipping his fingers through mine, and the contact jerks me from my thoughts and I gasp, startling him and myself.

“Are you okay?” he asks. “You seem distracted.”

“Yeah I’m fine… and I vote no.” I set my pencil down and close my untouched sketchbook, since it’s too dark to draw anyway, and put it down on the floor beside my feet. I rub my tired eyes, then slant my head to the side and watch the stars in the sky stream by in various illuminating colors, trying not to think about the journal tucked away in my bag in the trunk. My mom’s journal and drawings. My mother who won’t be at my wedding. I want to scream at myself because it shouldn’t be such a big deal. She was hardly around when I was alive so what does it matter? Yet for some reason it does.

“What’s the matter, pretty girl?” Micha glances at me and there’s a tease in his tone. “Are you afraid she’s going to get upset?” He releases my hand to sweep strands of his blond hair out of his aqua eyes that are so strikingly beautiful even the darkness can’t conceal it.

“I’m never afraid,” I assure him as he returns his fingers to mine, bringing me instantaneous warmth. “I’m just worried she’s going to get upset and cry and then things are going to get awkward.”

He chuckles softly, and then delicately kisses my knuckles, causing my heart to flutter. “So you’re only worried about things getting awkward, huh?” The ring looped through his bottom lip grazes my skin as he moves his mouth away, and then he puts his hand to the shifter with our fingers still entwined. “There’s nothing else bothering you at all? Like the fact that you’re going to have to stand up in front of a group of people and tell them why you love me?”

I gape at him. “What are you talking about?”

“Our wedding vows,” he says. “Did you forget?”

I look at the window to hide my guilty face. With the box arriving on my doorstep yesterday and the panic of actually getting married, I’d completely forgotten about the vows. Micha had thought it’d be a great idea to write our own vows and I’d agreed because it was only going to be him and me, Lila, Ethan, and a minister. I knew there was no way I could write anything as poetic as Micha would. The boy is amazing with lyrics and letters and words in general. Me, not so much, especially when it comes to writing about the heavy stuff like my feelings. I really suck at self-expression, unless it’s through art. I wonder if I could get away with just holding up a few drawings of him?

“You did forget, didn’t you?” Micha starts laughing again, looking so happy it hurts my heart, because I should be that happy. And I am, for the most part, but there’s still stuff bothering me, like the journal, the vows, my future, what the hell I want to become of my life.

I smash my lips together and meet his gaze. “I might have let it slip my mind, but not because I don’t love you.”

“I know that.”

“I know, but still…” I sigh. “I’m such an asshole.”

He laughs even harder, one hand gripping the steering wheel as he merges into the other lane. “You’re not an asshole.” He skims his fingers across the bumps of my knuckles with his thumb. “And we don’t have to write our own vows if you don’t want to. I’m perfectly content with just marrying you.”

“You’re so sappy sometimes,” I tease, and then take a shaky breath. “But I want to do the vows.” It’s such a lie but I want to make him happy—he deserves to be happy. And this is something I can do to give that to him.

He cocks an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

No. “Yeah, I’m absolutely sure.” I sound kind of choked, but I don’t think he notices. I feel bad, but at the same time I can’t help how I feel. I’m never really sure about anything. I get anxious when it comes to huge decisions and that makes me hesitate every single time. If I had my way, it wouldn’t be like that, but sometimes things are out of our control when it comes to who we are.

“Vows it is then.” He smiles and it makes me sad. I want to be as happy as he is. I really do. But sometimes it seems like it’s impossible, no matter how hard I try.

* * *

I fall asleep somewhere between the exit ramp and the bridge that stretches over the lake that’s at the edge of Star Grove, the one I almost jumped off of the night before I ran away to Vegas. By the time I open my eyes again, we’re pulling up to Micha’s old house, which is next door to mine. The sun is ascending from behind the mountains that surround our little town and snow blankets the lawns around us. It’s freezing here, and the sidewalks and driveways are all glazed in ice. Silver, green, and red Christmas lights twinkle on some of the nearby houses, but most of the front yards in this neighborhood are decorated with broken-down cars, boxes, trash. There’s a younger guy who I’m pretty sure is selling drugs on the street corner, and a guy yelling at his wife as she storms down the sidewalk in her pajamas.

“Welcome home,” Micha mutters, and then yawns, stretching his lean arms above his head.

I cover my mouth as I yawn. “You should have let me drive a little. You seriously look tired.”

“I am seriously tired,” he says, silencing the engine. “And I plan on getting some sleep just as soon as you take a shower with me.” He flashes me a grin and then pulls the keys out of the ignition. “That’ll wear me out and I’ll be able to fall right to sleep afterward.”

“Dude, shut the fuck up,” Ethan grumbles, making a disgusted face. His black hair is flat on one side where his head was against the window and he has his tattooed arms around Lila as she sleeps with her head on his chest.

“Hey, you can’t give us crap,” I tell Ethan, unbuckling my seat belt. “I’m officially scarred for life after yesterday.”

“What happened yesterday?” Micha asks as he cracks open the door and cold air rushes into the car.

Ethan shoots me a dirty glare, but I ignore him. “I came home from work,” I tell Micha, “and heard some very disturbing noises coming from the guestroom.”

“Nice,” Micha says and then flinches when I punch him in the arm. “What? If it’ll make you feel better we can make a whole bunch of noise in the shower and pay them back.”

“Please don’t,” Ethan pleads grumpily as he stretches his free arm above his head. “I’ve heard enough from you two to last me a lifetime.”

“Okay, this is getting really awkward,” Lila mumbles with her eyes still shut. “Can we all just pretend that we haven’t heard each other have sex… or phone sex?”

And that’s my cue to get out of the car since she’s referring to the time Micha and I had phone sex while I was still sharing an apartment with Lila while Micha was on the road. As I step out into the snow, Micha laughs and Ethan cracks a joke underneath his breath. Ignoring them, I slam the door and wind around to the back of the car, leaving my tracks in the snow.

Thankfully, I thought ahead and wore my lace-up boots and a pair of jeans, otherwise I’d be freezing. I don’t have a jacket on, though, and my hair’s pulled up in a ponytail so my neck’s exposed to the icy air. I wrap my arms around myself and wait for Micha to come open the trunk as I stare at my house next door.

I can tell my dad’s been out and about because of the fresh tire tracks going up and down the driveway and the fact that his Firebird is parked near the back steps, the windows defrosted. Beside the car is the tree that Micha used to climb up almost every night to sleep with me. I used to hate the tree because I climbed up it the night my mom died, but now, looking at it, I can’t help but smile because it was the thing that brought Micha to me many times.

“Baby, where’s your jacket?” Micha asks as he struts around to the back of the car, slipping off his own jacket.

“I think it’s in my suitcase.” I force my attention away from my house and onto him as he hands me his jacket and I distractedly slip it on. He’s so God damn gorgeous it’s distracting. I wish I could just draw him all the time. He’d probably let me if I asked, telling me he belongs to me and I can do whatever I want with him.

I absentmindedly rub my thumb across the ring on my finger as I feel the reality of the thought. That we belong together. Him and me. Forever.

He looks down at my ring and then takes my hand and reaches out to sketch his finger around the diamond band twisted in knots that encase a black stone. “I’m still surprised how well you’re handling this.”

“What? Being engaged?” I shiver from the cold, or maybe it’s from his touch.

A pucker forms at his brow as he glances down at the ring on my finger. “Over the fact that we’re going to get married…” He looks over at my house. “Here, with everyone.”

My muscles tense, but I joke to lighten the tension building inside me. “Give me a few days and we’ll see if you still think I’m handling it well. You might not even want to marry me anymore.”

“You know as well as I do that we’re going to get married.” His eyes darken with desire as his voice deepens. “Just like we both know that I’m going to fuck you when we take a shower in just a few minutes.”

His voice sends tingles all over my body, a flurry of hot sparks. “I swear to God, sometimes you are the horniest person in the world.”

“Nah, I’m just a guy who’s completely attracted to his beautiful fiancée.” He leans in to give me a kiss on the lips, before popping the trunk.

I grab my bag and slide the handle over my shoulder. “You’re always over complimenting me. You know that?”

He swings the duffel bag over his shoulder and looks like he’s resisting an eye roll. “Don’t worry, I’ll stop when your head gets too big, but I doubt that’ll ever happen.” He picks up a large bag and chucks it over the roof of the car to Ethan, who catches it against his stomach with a grunt.

“Jesus, a little warning would be nice,” Ethan says as he slides the handle of the bag over his arm.

Micha grabs Lila’s suitcase and extends the handle, lowering the bag down to the snowy driveway. “You guys are staying here, right?” Micha calls out to Ethan, slamming the trunk shut.

Ethan shrugs, looking at Lila, who shrugs too. “I was planning on it.” He drapes his arm around Lila’s shoulder and she cuddles against his chest as they hike through the snow for the back door, leaving Micha and me to finish unloading the trunk by ourselves. “You know I like your place more than my own.”