I had been innocent, unworldly, but on that day I began to grow up.


* * *

Albert drove me to the station. He said nothing, but his expression was mournful. A porter carried my bags and put me in a first-class compartment and so I traveled down to Roland’s Croft.

It was dusk when I arrived at the little station. There was no one to meet me this time, but the stationmaster, who knew me, said that the station fly would be back in fifteen minutes if I’d wait for that.

“An unexpected visit, Mrs. Milner,” he said. “They don’t seem to know up at the house that you’re coming.”

I said: “No, they don’t.”

“Well, ’twill be a matter of fifteen minutes most likely.”

I guessed fifteen minutes meant thirty and I was right but in due course I was driving along to the house.

Jeffers came hurrying out at the sound of wheels. He looked blankly at me.

“Why,” he said, “if it isn’t young Mrs. Milner! Was you expected? I had no orders to meet you.”

“I was not expected,” I assured him. “Will you have my bags brought in please?”

He looked a little disconcerted.

Amy was at the door. Her astonishment was apparent.

I said: “Hello, Amy. Would you please tell my mother I’m here.”

“Why, Miss Jane, she’s not here.”

“Not here! But where is she?”

“You’d better come in,” she said.

There was something mysterious happening. This was not the greeting I had expected. Amy had turned and run to the servants’ hall calling Mrs. Couch.

When the cook appeared I ran to her. She took me into her arms and kissed me.

“Why Jane,” she said. “You could have knocked me down with a feather.”

I said: “Where’s my mother, Mrs. Couch? Amy said she was not here.”

“It’s true. She was took away three days since.”

“Where to?”

“To the hospital.”

“Has she had an accident?”

“Well not exactly, dear. It’s her complaint.”

“Her complaint?”

“It was that cough and all that. It’s been coming on some time.”

“I wasn’t told.”

“No, she didn’t want you worried.”

“What is the matter with her?”

Mrs. Couch looked uneasy. “The master’s home,” she said. “I think it would be a good thing if you was to see him. I’ll go along myself and tell him you’re here, shall I? Where’s Mr. Joliffe? Hasn’t he come with you?”

“No. He’s in London.”

“I’ll tell the master. You go up to your old room and I’ll tell him.”

In a haze of apprehension I went up to my old room. It seemed that something terrible was happening to everyone I loved. What was this mystery about my mother? There was no mystery about Joliffe. The truth was horribly clear. He was married and I was not his wife. But my mother… in the hospital! Why had I not been told?

There was the familiar room. I went to the window and looked across to the barred windows of the showroom, and poignant memories of the night when I had been there with Joliffe came back to me. Joliffe who had cheated then, and who was married all the time so that I was not his wife!

What is happening? I asked myself. Everything is collapsing about me.

Mrs. Couch was at the door.

“The master will see you now,” she said.

I followed her to the room where we had often sat together and drunk tea from the dragon teapot.

He rose as I entered and took my hand.

“Sit down,” he said.

I did so.

“I’m afraid I have bad news for you,” he went on, “and it is useless to keep it from you any longer. Your mother has been very ill for some time. She was suffering from consumption. She did not wish you to know. That is why you were not told. She was anxious that you should not be upset during your first months of marriage. At length she became so ill that it was necessary for her to go into a hospital that she might have the best of attention. That is where she is now.”

“But…” I began.

He silenced me. “It is a great shock for you, I know. Perhaps it would have been better if you had been warned. She had been suffering from this complaint for a few years now. In the last months it has intensified. I think you have to prepare yourself for the fact that she cannot live much longer.”

I could not speak. My grief welled up within me. He regarded me with a compassion which was very real and comforting.

“I can’t believe this,” I said.

“It is hard, I know. We thought that one sharp blow would be better for you than a long-drawn-out anxiety. Her only thought was for you.”

“I know it. Can I see her?”

“Yes,” he answered.

“Now?”

“You must wait till tomorrow. Then Jeffers can drive you to the hospital.”

“But I want to see her at once.”

“You could not see her at this time of day. She is very ill. She may not know you. Give yourself time to grow accustomed to this grief.”

He looked so wise sitting there in his mulberry smoking jacket and little velvet cap, that I felt a certain comfort in looking at him.

“It is too much,” I said suddenly. “This… and Joliffe…”

“Joliffe?” he said quickly.

I knew I would have to tell him, so I did so.

He was silent.

“Did you know that he already had a wife?” I asked.

“If I had I should have spoken up. But it does not surprise me. What shall you do?”

“I don’t know. I was going to talk it over with my mother.”

“She must not know. It gave her great gratification to believe you had someone to look after you.”

“No, she must not know.”

“You will have to decide what you are going to do.”

“I know.”

“You could, of course, stay here. You could resume your post with me. It would be a solution.”

For the first time since Joliffe’s wife had told me the truth I felt a faint gleam of comfort.


* * *

Mr. Sylvester Milner drove with me to the hospital. He waited in the carriage while I went in.

When they took me to the room in which my mother lay I scarcely recognized her, so thin had she become. She had not the strength to sit up, nor to move very much, but she knew me and a great joy came into her eyes. I knelt by the bed and I could not bear to look at her so I took her hand and held it against my cheek.

Her lips moved faintly: “Janey…”

“I am here, dearest,” I said.

Her lips moved but her voice was so faint that I had to bend my head to hear it. “Be happy, Janey. I am… because it’s turned out so well for you. You have Joliffe…”

She could not say more. I sat by the bed, her hand in mine.

I must have sat for almost an hour until the sister came and told me I must go.

Mr. Sylvester Milner and I drove back to Roland’s Croft in silence.

Before the week was out she was dead. In less than twelve days I had been struck two terrible blows. I think one took my mind off the other. Such a short while ago I would not have believed either possible. I had come to my mother to tell her of my troubles and she was no longer there. That seemed even more difficult to grasp than that I was no longer Joliffe’s wife. Deep in my heart ever since I learned of his taking the Kuan Yin from the showcase I had been ready for anything Joliffe might have done. Somewhere at the back of my mind had been the uneasy thought that there was something not quite real about our romantic meeting and our hasty marriage. But that my mother who had always been with me should be dead was hard to accept. And the thought that she had been dying while I was being so carelessly gay in Paris wounded me deeply.

Mr. Sylvester was a great comfort. He arranged for my mother’s funeral and she was buried quietly in the little village churchyard. Everyone from the house attended and Mr. Sylvester walked beside me to the grave.

Mrs. Couch had pulled all the blinds down when my mother died. She said it indicated death in the house. When we returned after the funeral she served ham sandwiches which was the right thing, she told me, and showed a proper respect for the dead. Then she drew up the blinds which was the right time to do it. She could be relied on to know of these things, she whispered comfortingly to me, because her own mother had had fourteen children and buried eight.

I sat with them in the servants’ hall and Mrs. Couch and Mr. Jeffers vied with each other in telling stories of past funerals they had attended. I could have seen the humor at any other time, but I couldn’t see anything but my bright gay little mother and to think of her silent in her grave was more than I could endure.

I went to my room and I had not been there very long when there was a knock on my door. It was Sylvester Milner.

In his hand he held an envelope.

“Your mother left this for you. She asked me to give it to you on the day she was buried.” His kind eyes smiled gently. “You have reached the lowest depths,” he went on. “Now you will begin to rise. Such tragedies are all part of the business of living but remember this: ‘Adversity strengthens the character.’ There is nothing on Earth that is all evil, nothing that is all good.”

Then he pressed the envelope into my hands.

When he had gone I opened it, and the sight of my mother’s rather untidy sprawling handwriting brought tears to my eyes.

My dearest Janey, (she had written)

I am very ill. I have been for a long time. It’s this cursed illness, the bane of my family. It took my father when he was about my age. I didn’t want you to know, Janey love, because I knew how sad it would make you. The two of us had always been close, hadn’t we, especially since your father died? I hid it from you. Sometimes I’d cough so badly there’d be blood on my pillow and I was afraid you’d see it when you came suddenly to my room. I didn’t want you to guess and I did well, didn’t I? You never knew. I used to worry about you. You were my one concern. But what luck we had. That was your father looking after us. Good kind Mr. Sylvester Milner was like the fairy godfather. First he gave me the post (mind you I was very good at it) and then he let me have you there (not that I’d have taken it if he hadn’t) and there were Mrs. Couch and the rest of them who were like a family to us. So it all came out well. And then he said you were to work for him. I was pleased then but it wasn’t quite what I wanted. I wanted you to be settled. I wanted you to be happy as I’d been with your father and when Joliffe came along and fell in love with you at first sight—and you with him—I was overjoyed. You now have a husband who will care for you as your father cared for me. I came up to see the specialist the day I visited you. He told me I hadn’t got long and that I’d have to go into a hospital. I said to myself then “Lord now lettest Thou thy servant depart in peace.” Because I knew I could go happily. You and Joliffe are so much in love. He’ll be with you now. He’ll take care of you and there was something your father used to say. It was almost as though he knew he’d go first and leave me. It was something in Shakespeare, something like this.

“No longer mourn for me when I am dead”…and it goes on:

“I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot

If thinking of me then should make you woe.”

It would grieve me, Janey love, if I was to look down and see you sad. That’s something I couldn’t bear. So I want you to say this: “She had a good life. She had a husband and a child and they were all the world to her. She’s now going to join one and she’s left the other in the hands of one who loves her.”

Goodbye my precious child. One thing I ask of you: Be happy.

Your Mother.

I folded the letter, put it into the sandalwood box where I kept those things which were precious to me, and then I could no longer contain my grief.


* * *

The day after the funeral I received a letter from Joliffe.

My dearest Jane, (he wrote)

My uncle has written to tell me of your mother’s death. I long to be with you to comfort you. My uncle has more or less threatened me if I come to see you. He means I think that he will cut me out of his will. As if that would keep me away! He says that you need time to recover from these two tragic blows and that the best way is in your work with him.