Виктория Холт - The Judas kiss

"We are going to rise above all that. I am going to show you the place I will find for you. Our home. I want to give you everything I have."

"But you can't. You can't ever give me your name."

"I can give you my devoted love ... all of it, Pippa."

"You must think of your marriage. I have grown fond of Freya. She is a child yet ... and charming. She will lure you to love her."

"I am not to be lured away from my Pippa. Oh, Pippa, dearest Pippa, listen to the birds singing. "The lark's on the wing ... All's right with the world.' Remember that? It is Pippa's song. All must be right with the world while you and I are together."

"I must go back. I shall be missed. You too, I daresay."

"We shall meet again ... tomorrow. I will find somewhere where we can be together. It has to be. It is no use fighting against it. From the moment we met, it was clear to me. I said, 'This is the one out of the whole world and no one else will do.'"

I shook my head. I was hovering between ecstasy and despair. I knew I was going to weaken. I knew that I had to take what I could get.

He was aware of it, too. I had betrayed my emotions too readily.

"Tomorrow. Tomorrow, Pippa. Promise. Here."

So I promised, and we went back to our horses. When he had helped me to mount he took my hand and looked at me beseechingly and I loved him so much that I knew in my heart that I would do anything he asked of me.

I withdrew my hand, for I was very much afraid of my emotions, and I said as coolly as I could: "We must not ride away together. We might be seen. Please go ahead."

"We'll go together."

"No. I prefer it this way. It might be difficult for me to get away freely if we were seen together."

He bowed his head and accepted the wisdom of that. "Perhaps for a while we should be careful," he said. He kissed my hand fervently and rode away.

I remained there for some moments looking at the lodge. I was in no mood to go back to the schloss immediately. I was forming excuses for my absence. Freya would want to know where I had been, and I decided to tell her that I had felt the need for fresh air and exercise after the previous night, and had taken it in the forest.

Suddenly I had the desire to dismount and go and look at Francine's grave. I felt as close to her as I ever had. I tethered the horse and walked round the lodge.

As I approached the grave I had the uncanny feeling that I was not alone. At first I thought that I was being followed by someone who had seen my meeting with Conrad. I felt cold with terror. Why is it that one can sense the presence of another person? Was it due to some sound I had heard? Was it instinct?

I had reached the enclosure. I saw a movement ... a flash of colour. Then I realized that there was someone at the graveside.

I drew back, not wishing to make my presence known, for I guessed it must be Gisela. I stood very still, holding my breath. Then a figure rose. She had a trowel in her hand and had been planting something.

It was not Gisela. This was a young woman, taller, fairer than Gisela. She stood still for a moment, looking down at her handiwork. Then suddenly she spoke. "Rudi," she called. "Come here, Rudi."

Then I saw the child. He must have been about four or five years old. His hair was like sunshine, fair and curly.

"Come here, Rudi. Look at the pretty flowers."

I watched, while the child went and stood beside her.

"Now, we must go," she went on. "But first..."

I was amazed because they knelt down together. I saw the child, his eyes closed, the palms of his hands pressed closely together, his lips murmuring. I could not hear what was said.

They stood up. The woman was holding a basket in which was the trowel in one hand, with the other she took that of the child.

I drew back in the shadow of the bushes which grew in clumps in this spot, and I watched them come through the gate and walk away into the forest.

My heart was beating fast, my mind racing.

Who was she? Who was the child? And I had stood there, numb, watching them. I should have spoken to her, discovered why she was tending my sister's grave.

But I had not lost her. I could at least follow her and see where she went.

I kept them in sight. It was not difficult for me to remain hidden because of the trees which provided me with good cover. And after all, if I was seen why should I not be someone who was taking a walk in the forest?

We had come to a house—small but pleasant. She released the child's hand and he ran on ahead of her up the path to the door. He danced up and down on the porch, waiting for her. She came along and let herself and him in, while I stood there watching.

I felt amazed by what I had seen. Why had she tended Francine's grave? Who was she? More important still, who was the child?

I was not sure how to act. Could I knock on the door, ask the way and engage her in conversation?

It was already late. I should find it difficult to explain my absence. Another day? I thought. I'll come back. I shall have time to think how is the best way to tackle this.

With my mind whirling through what I had seen and my meeting with Conrad, I was bemused and uncertain, wondering what would happen next, and telling myself that I must be prepared for anything.

When I returned to the schloss I had to face Freya, who had missed me.

"Where have you been? Nobody knew what had happened to you."

"I felt the need for fresh air."

"You could have got that in the garden."

"I wanted to ride."

"You've been in the forest, haven't you?"

"How did you know?"

"I have my spies." She narrowed her eyes and for a few seconds I thought she knew about my meeting with Conrad. "Besides," she went on, "here is a clue." She picked a pine needle from my jacket. You look really frightened. You are not what you say you are. You are planning a coup. That is why you are of independent means. Whoever heard of a governess who was not terrified of losing her post and being turned out on the streets?"

"You have," I said, recovering my equilibrium. "And here she is."

"Why did you go off without telling me?"

"You were fast asleep after your experiences as the belle of the ball, and I thought you needed your rest."

"I was worried. I thought perhaps you had left me."

"Foolish child!"

She threw herself at me suddenly. "Don't leave me, Anne. You mustn't."

"What are you afraid of?" I asked.

She looked at me steadily. "Everything," she said. "Marriage ... change ... growing up. I don't want to grow up, Anne. I want to stay as I am."

I kissed her tenderly. "You'll manage it all right when the time comes," I reassured her.

"Will I?" she asked. "I am very rebellious and I would never tolerate mistresses."

"Perhaps there won't be any."

"That," she said firmly, "is how it will have to be."

"There is a saying in English that one should cross one's bridges when one comes to them."

"A very good one," she replied. "That is what I shall do. But I shall cross them in my own way."

"Knowing you, I am sure you will put up a good fight to get what you want."

"The trouble is that Sigmund seems the sort of person to get his own way. Does he seem like that to you, Anne?"

"Yes," I said slowly. "He does."

"Then it will be a question of which is the stronger."

"There may not be a contest. It is just possible that you will both want the same things."

"Clever Anne. You will be there with me. I shall insist. I shall make you my Grand Vizor."

"That is something you put on your head. I think you mean Vizier, and I am sure I should be most unsuitable for the post."

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," quoted Freya, almost smugly.

I laughed but I was thinking, What am I going to do? I must go. Yet he will never allow it. I shall stay. We shall live out our lives together ... in the shadows perhaps, but together ... as Francine and Rudolph did.

And I must discover who was the woman who planted flowers on Francine's grave. And perhaps more important than all, who was the child?

Fortune favoured me.

In the early afternoon Freya came to me. She was pouting. The Graf and Grafin wanted her, Tatiana and Gunther to visit the Grand Duke.

"Well, what is so unpleasant about that?" I asked.

"I wanted to go for a ride with you."

"You can do that another time."

"I doubt whether we shall see him and we always have to stand on such ceremony. Oh, I wish I didn't have to go."

"It will all be over soon."

"I expect Sigmund will be there."

"Well, you will like to see him, I expect."

She grimaced.

I watched the party leave and immediately went to the stables. I had a free afternoon and within a short time was riding into the forest towards the lodge, and then on to the house I had discovered.

The woman was in the garden. I recognized her at once and called a good afternoon, asking her the way back to the town, which I knew very well.

She came to the palings and, leaning over, directed me.

I said, trying to hold her in conversation, "The forest is very beautiful."

She agreed.

"Is it lonely living here?" I asked.

"I don't notice it. I have plenty to do. I keep house for my brother."

"Just the two of you ..." I murmured and wondered if I sounded both inquisitive and impertinent.

"Just the two of us and our maid and my little son."

No mention of a husband, I noticed, and my mind was beset by possibilities.

"I came past the lodge," I continued. "It seemed deserted."

"Oh yes, it is nowadays."

She had a frank, open face and she was friendly. Perhaps she relished a chat as no doubt she saw few people.

"Are you visiting here?" she asked.

"Not exactly. I am employed at the schloss."

"Oh?" She expressed interest. "My brother works there ... for the Graf."

"I am there ... as an English governess to the Countess Freya."

She was not extremely interested. "Oh yes, I had heard that there was an English lady there. And you rode out and lost your way?"

"One can do that easily in the forest."

"Nowhere more easily. But you are not far away. If you go back by the lodge and keep to the bridle path you'll come to the lodge cottage, and there is a road. You'll see the town from there."

"I shall know where I am then. The lodge looks interesting but rather dismal."

"Oh yes, it is never used now."

"It seems a waste of what must have been a very fine old place."

"Oh yes... . They used it frequently in the past for hunting, you know. You should be careful walking in the forest. Although it is mostly deer, there is the occasional wild boar."

"I thought I saw a grave ... somewhere at the back of the lodge."

"Oh yes, there is a grave there."

"It seemed a strange place to find a grave. Why should someone be buried there and not in a churchyard?"

"Well, there was a reason, I think."

I waited but she did not seem as though she was going to continue, so I went on: "It seems well tended."

"Yes. I look after it. I don't Like to see it overgrown. I don't think graves should be. It looks as though no-one cares about the person buried there if they are."

"It was a friend of yours, then?"

"Yes," she said. "You must excuse me. I can hear my little boy. He's awakened from his nap. You'll have no difficulty in finding your way. Good-day to you."

I felt I had mishandled the situation. I had discovered nothing except that she had known Francine and had been a friend of hers.

I would call again though. I had at least opened up a path where there had appeared to be nothing.

As I came back through the town I passed the inn where I had once hired a horse, and I decided to sit awhile in the biergarten, so I left my horse in the stable and did so. I think I wanted to talk to someone, and the innkeeper's wife had been very friendly.

She remembered me, and when she brought my goblet of bier—a speciality of Bruxenstein—she told me so. She paused and it was not difficult to detain her.