‘ Might be even better. You’ ll give the baby more love that way. You don’ t have anybody else. All you got is each other.’

‘ What if I get married?’

Deedee made a sound like ‘ Heh.’

‘ It could happen!’

‘ Ah, that’ d be okay. You wouldn’ t marry a guy who didn’ t want a baby, too. You know, I think Dickie liked you.’

‘ Dickie?’

‘ He was totally flirting with you.’

‘ You don’ t mean Troy?’

The girl must be brighter than I gave her credit for. ‘ Why, do you like Troy?’  she asked sweetly.

‘ No! I thought you might have the names mixed up. I assumed Troy because you met him before& at the beach.’

She started to singsong, ‘ You really liiiiike him& ‘

‘ Shut up.’

‘ You think he’ s seeeeexy& ‘

‘ This car is still going slow enough. I can shove you out and probably not even get a ticket for it.’

‘ You want to kiiiiiiss him& ‘

I snipped, ‘ Can we change the subject?’

‘ Fine. You gonna adopt my kid or not?’

Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

‘ I need time to mull it over. This is a lot.’

Deedee nodded, whereas I was utterly shocked by what I’ d just said. I’ d mull it? Surely the answer needed to be a swift and simple no. Yet, as soon as Deedee proposed the idea of me being a mom, all I could think about were those few minutes of waiting for a pregnancy test result. The same mix of yes and no stirred inside me. I wasn’ t yet willing to open my eyes and look at the results-especially since this time it was up to me what answer appeared. Instead, against all logic, I’ d just given Deedee a maybe.

‘ Just don’ t take too long deciding,’  she said. ‘ If you don’ t do it, I gotta start buying baby stuff. And sign myself up for independent study. And those guys said they were going to get me a student internship at the radio station in the fall. I can’ t do it if I got to worry about a kid, so I’ ll need to call them and tell them no.’

Sensing my chance to divert Deedee from the topic of adopting her baby, I said, ‘ Oh, an internship? That’ s great! You must have really impressed them. What sorts of things would you be doing?’

‘ Nothing if I got me a baby to take care of,’  she said dully.

So much for diverting her attention.

After I dropped Deedee off at school, that Mariah Carey song ‘ Hero’  came on the radio. When it got to the part about how I’ ll finally see the truth-that a hero lies in me-I felt a catch in my throat. It wasn’ t a full-on sob. I prefer to save that sort of thing for where people can see me, apparently. This was more a quick bubble of emotion. A hint at the roller coaster to come.

When I finally got to work, Susan was the only one who noticed it wasn’ t me on K-JAM. Everyone else told me, Good job! Way to go! Phyllis popped her head into my cubicle to say, ‘ It’ s a start.’

My mom had left a message. ‘ Why are you going on the radio saying I’ m blind? I understand if you want to give carpooling a heartwarming angle. But couldn’ t you have made your father blind? He doesn’ t have to go to work and face people.’  Then she sighed. ‘ Ah well, maybe I’ ll get one of those handicapped spots now.’

FOR THE NEXT WEEK, the only thing I could think about was adopting Deedee’ s baby.

It wasn’ t as if I didn’ t have other things to occupy my mind. Work was a madhouse. I had to pick up the slack for Lizbeth’ s being gone, even though there was no talk yet of (me) replacing her. Plus, it was near the end of the fiscal year, so those projects I’ d procrastinated on had come back to haunt me.

But my world went on autopilot, and I had one thing on my mind. For the first time, I could relate to that annoying way that women get so consumed about pregnancy and babies. In fact, I now offer my profound and immediate apologies to every woman behind whose back I made gagging motions when our conversation managed to again focus only on baby clothes, bassinettes, and spit-up.

Out of nowhere, I’ d become obsessed with babies. Even when I was running errands one day, my car steered itself to a Babies R Us-or, as I’ ve called it any other time I’ ve had to go there to buy a shower present, Downtown Hell. But this time I meandered the aisles, gushing over the tiny outfits. Mentally picturing how I’ d turn my spare room into a nursery.

That was, I scolded myself, if I adopted the baby.

But that was crazy. Of course it was crazy!

Wasn’ t it?

Suddenly I was noticing babies everywhere. I couldn’ t get enough of them. I found myself cooing at them. Asking their mothers how old they were. Did they sleep through the night? Were they on solids yet? ‘ Mind if I give ‘ em a hold?’

I’ d gone to a park a few days before and had a conversation with a mom with two toddlers. I told her about the baby I was going to adopt as if it were fact and not speculation. And I liked the way it sounded coming out of my mouth. My baby will be here in August. I’ m making all sorts of plans for my baby. Of course, then the woman went and wrecked it all by saying, ‘ Your husband must be thrilled.’  To save face, I had to say, ‘ Yes, my partner is beside herself.’  She piped down pretty quickly after that.

A chance like this would never come along again, that was for sure. It felt as if I’ d won millions of dollars in the lottery and I was studying the ticket, deciding whether or not to cash it in. On the plus side, I’ d be rich. On the down side, I’ d never know if a potential suitor loved me for me or for my money.

Hell, who was I kidding? I’ d take the cash.

The idea of a baby, however, was much trickier.

One thing was certain: I needed to think things through on my own before I opened debate to the floor. Sure, getting input from friends and family would help me sort things out. That was, if I had a different group of friends and family. In my case, it was guaranteed I’ d be bombarded with opinions. Better to know where I stood and then see if the winds of public opinion could topple me.

Having recently discovered that lists can be quite helpful in setting one’ s life on a new course, I pulled out a pencil and piece of paper and made a list of my own.

Reasons to Adopt the Baby

1. There is a baby who needs a mother

2. I would be awesome mom-would never yell at child and would feed her organic vegetables and hardly ever doughnuts

3. Am 34

4. Almost 35

5. May be only chance to be a mom

6. Could cross off #3: Change someone’ s life in bold strokes

7. Taking action = getting what you want from life, i.e., Alison Freeman *1

Reasons Not to Adopt the Baby

1. Being a single mom perhaps not all it’ s cracked up to be

2. I want a baby, but do I want a baby now?

3. Could I love baby that wasn’ t ‘ mine’ ?

4. Possibility of suddenly meeting man of dreams, having fairytale wedding, and starting own family with own biological children sooner than expected, i.e., Alison Freeman *2

As soon as I wrote the pros and cons, I dismissed #3 under Reasons Not to Adopt the Baby. Of course I’ d love the baby. Look at Angelina Jolie. Would anyone ever believe that a woman who wore a vial of blood around her neck could form a maternal bond so deeply and so quickly? Yet she can’ t seem to collect enough of the little tykes. Love wasn’ t the issue.

There were decidedly more yeas than nays on the list. But that alone wasn’ t enough to tip the scales. What was the weight of each argument? Was there any one that trumped them all? Was there a deal breaker in there? I couldn’ t be sure. Perhaps I could call my old friend Linda who’ d done the boyfriend spreadsheet for me to see if she could whip up a logical calculation determining what I should do now.

I sighed and tossed aside the list. This was not a decision I’ d make logically.

It would be an act of the heart.

Whatever I chose to do-to adopt or not to adopt-my life would be forever altered. This could be my chance to make up for everything I’ d ever let slide.

Then again, it could be the biggest mistake I’ d ever make.

‘ SO AM I CRAZY for considering it?’  I asked Martucci on our Monday morning run. I was running a nine-minute mile at this point. More important, what I was doing resembled running, versus the walking with spurts of gasping and collapsing I’ d started out doing. Without a bathroom scale I didn’ t know if I’ d dropped any weight, but my skinny clothes were fitting better. That was a hopeful sign.

‘ Sounds as if you’ ve more than considered it. Sounds like you’ ve made up your mind. And it’ s great you’ re going to adopt this kid. Being a parent is the best thing that can happen to a person.’

I’ d learned enough about Martucci from running with him to know that he didn’ t have children himself. Or a wife, for that matter. Not sure about the girlfriend-I preferred to remain ignorant. ‘ What do you know about kids?’

‘ With these Italian genes? I’ ve got thirteen nieces and nephews. Two more in the oven as we speak. My brother in Pittsburgh’ s got a wife that pops them out like toaster pastries.’  He glanced at his watch. ‘ Okay, let’ s move it. Sixty seconds of sprinting& go!’

I hurled myself around the track. The 5K race was in two weeks. I wasn’ t going to win it, but thanks to my training, I wouldn’ t make a fool of myself, either. After the minute, which felt like an hour, I slowed to a jog again. ‘ You plan to have any of your own?’  I asked, huffing. ‘ Kids?’

‘ Someday. I’ m in no hurry. God favors us men. We can spread our seed even when we need a gallon of Viagra to get it up. A woman in her thirties, though& I’ ll bet your clock’ s ticking like a bomb.’

‘ It wasn’ t before. I mean, I knew I wanted kids. But I was never panicked about it. Now all of a sudden I am.’

He mulled it over and then said, ‘ Makes perfect sense. It’ s like how sometimes you don’ t feel hungry. But you go by a fast-food place and smell the food. Next thing you know, you’ re starved. It’ s not that you didn’ t need food before. You just didn’ t know how hungry you were until food came along.’

‘ Exactly!’  Who knew Martucci was so wise? ‘ But why is it,’  I asked him, ‘ you think I’ ve made up my mind?’

‘ You told me point-blank when you got here that you were going to adopt a kid in a couple months.’

I stopped in my tracks. ‘ I did?’

Martucci circled back around and stood jogging in place in front of me. ‘ Yeah.’

‘ Just like that? I said it?’

He reminded me of the conversation, and he was right. I’ d said it. Popped out of my mouth. I’ m going to adopt a kid in a few months. It hadn’ t been ‘ I might’  or ‘ Maybe I will.’  I’ d said, ‘ I’ m going to.’  That was when I realized. It wasn’ t a decision of the mind. Or even of the heart.

It was pure gut.

And my gut said yes.

Yes, yes, yes!

‘ Oh, my God!’  I said. ‘ I’ m going to be a mother!’

‘ Congratulations.’

‘ Thanks.’  My mind swirled with endorphins and excitement. Even my elbows felt buzzy. Oh, I knew there was still much to do before anything was 100 percent certain. I’ d need to get a lawyer that specialized in this sort of thing, or at the very least download legal forms off the Internet. I’ d have to sit down with Deedee and her mom to work out the kinks. But there was no doubt in my mind, or in my belly, anyway: I’ d do what it took to make it happen.

‘ So what’ s your family say about this?’  Martucci asked.

‘ I haven’ t told them. I haven’ t told anybody.’

‘ I’ m the first to know?’

‘ Guess so.’

‘ Parker, I’ m honored.’  He grabbed me and engulfed me in a hug. I cringed as sweat poured off him, running down my neck and soaking through my clothes. Although, I reminded myself, I was about to be a mom (!), so I’ d need to get used to dealing with bodily fluids as bad as or worse than this. ‘ I had no idea you thought so much of me,’  Martucci said, releasing me from the hug.

I used my shirt to wipe up his sweat. ‘ Are you kidding? You’ re my jogging buddy.’

No need to hurt his feelings. Martucci had been easy to tell. He was the flagpole I’ d run it up, confident that he’ d salute. I suspected the other people in my life might not be quite so easy to win over.

Chapter 16

#3 Change someone’ s life

#5 Run a 5K

#7 Make Buddy Fitch pay

#15 Mom and Grandma to see Wayne Newton

#16 Get a massage

#19 Show my brother how grateful I am for him

#20 Make a big donation to charity

With seven weeks left until Marissa’ s birthday, I called an emergency meeting at the Brass Monkey. A bar near work famous for its happy hour, it was also the scene of the crime, where I’ d kissed the busboy months prior. Although today must’ ve been his day off. Or he’ d quit, tired of sexual harassment from the customers. Maybe he’ d spotted me and was hiding in the back. At any rate, I didn’ t see him.