Magan Vernon - The Only One

“Like your body? Your nose?”

I sighed. “All of me. I’ve always had everything under control in my life, or at least I thought I did. Then all of a sudden I find out about this cancer and I feel like I’m completely shattered and that every time I try and put the pieces back together, they just fall apart again.”

I couldn’t believe I actually voiced the words out loud. I’d been thinking about them for so long, especially after ice skating with John. The truth was, I wasn’t as angry with him as I was with myself. With him, I felt myself lose control and part of me liked the feeling of letting loose. But the other part felt like everything was crumbling and needed to get it back together as soon as possible.

Monica took a step closer, her eyes serious. “You aren’t broken, Mel. I know where your mind is right now and I’ve been there. I also know that you were there for me when I needed to be put back together. Without you and Trey I would still be in that dark place I was in a few months ago and I don’t want you to go there.”

“So what do I do?” My hands and knees were shaking like they were about to give out. All of the emotions were flowing through me at once. If I wasn’t careful I would shatter right there in the middle of the coffee shop.

“You need to get help, Melanie. You can either find a support group or just talk to someone. Talk to me, talk to John. Don’t hold it all in. That’s the worst thing you can do.”

“I know I can talk to you about anything, but it’s different with John.”

Monica shook her head. “It shouldn’t be. If you really care about him and he cares about you, then you have to live with each other for all the dark and the light parts. Relationships are tough, but if they’re real, then they’re worth fighting for.”

With finals just around the corner, I needed to pick up new shifts at work since the other employees had taken off work to study. This left me little time for anything but sleeping and classes. Between work and studying, I rarely got to see John. It was always in the back of my mind that he was finding another girl to occupy his time and I had to constantly push those thoughts away.

I was sitting in my apartment after a day of work and classes, just hoping to get all of my studying in before midnight, when my phone rang. No one actually called me except my mom and sister, so I considered letting it go to voicemail. But after the second ring I thought it might be the doctor’s office. Sure it was late, but there could have been some news that couldn’t wait until the morning. I sprang up from the couch to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Red, long time no see.”

I let out a puff of air through my nose and then plopped back on the couch. “Oh, hey, John.”

“That’s all I get? I barely see you outside of class all week and I just get a ‘hey?”

“I’m sorry. I’m just tired and work and studying has been kicking my ass.”

“Then how about a late night snack?”

I blinked. “Um, what?”

Then a knock came at the door. I didn’t even respond to John’s question before I leapt up and answered the door. There he was, standing in my doorway, with a brown paper bag in one hand with the cell phone still up to his ear.

“I have to go, a man with food is at the door,” I said, keeping my eyes on John before I hung up and slid my phone into my pocket.

John held up the bag and put his phone down. “Hungry?”

“It’s nine o’clock at night and I have to work tomorrow.” I stared at the brown bag and realized that my stomach was growling. I actually didn’t remember eating dinner or lunch for that matter.

“I’ve missed you, Red. I was just sitting at the house and thinking about you, then I got hungry.” He stepped into my apartment, shutting the door behind him. “So I decided to grab myself some food and if I was going to leave the house anyway, figured I might as well get enough for both of us and come here.”

“You’re too good to me.” I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

“I brought gnocchi from Mario’s.” He set the bag down on the coffee table before he took a seat on the sofa behind it.

“That’s more of a meal than a snack.” My stomach rumbled so loud that it sounded like it was about to fall out of my shirt.

“And it sounds like you’re hungry, so I’m glad I came with provisions.” He pulled out a round foil container and then another foil wrapping shaped like a tube, which I guessed held Mario’s famous bread.

I plopped down on the couch next to him. “I guess it’s good that you like to feed me.”

He opened the top of the container and the smell of oregano wafted in the air and my mouth watered. “Are you feeling okay? I’m not saying that you look bad, but kind of tired.” He handed me a plastic fork and I immediately took a bite of the potato pasta.

I swallowed the piece and then stuck my fork in another. “Gee, thanks. You look tired, too.”

He didn’t look tired. He looked great as usual. Even in his NorthFace jacket.

“Ouch, Red. You hurt my heart.” He put his hand on his chest.

“Sorry, you asked for it,” I said between bites.

“But seriously. How are you feeling?” His eyes met mine and they looked even bluer in the dim light of my apartment. I only had on a lamp and the light from my computer so it wasn’t exactly the brightest place, but his eyes lit up the whole room.

My shoulders fell. “Honestly? Like shit. It’s like ever since break started I’ve been going nonstop and I just want a time out or something.”

“Then take one.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s not that easy. Finals are coming up and work has been super busy. I’ll get to take a break during Christmas.”

He put his hand on mine. “Let go, Red.”

I tried to pull my hand away, but I couldn’t. It was the same thing he had been saying to me since the ice skating rink: Let go. “John, I know you’re trying to be helpful or whatever, but this is getting old.”

He took my other hand in his and held them up to his lips, kissing my knuckles gently and then just held my hands there. “Melanie. I’m serious. I care about you so much. I’ve seen how tense you always are and I just want you to be able to let go. Just relax once in awhile. Let the weight of the world off of your shoulders.”

“John...”

He shook his head. “Whatever you’re going to say, I don’t need to hear it. I just want you to relax for once. Just try to enjoy my company, even though you think I’m a pain in the ass, you still like me.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that one. “You really are a pain in the ass, but you’re right.” I leaned in and placed a small kiss on his lips. “I do still like you.”

He put one hand on the back of my head and pulled me closer, his tongue sliding between my lips and deepening our kiss. My dinner was soon forgotten and I dropped my fork to the floor before straddling John’s waist. His hands trailed down to my lower back and he pulled me against his chest. Even through his jacket, I could feel the hard contours of his muscular arms as they pressed against mine.

I unzipped his jacket and he helped by pulling it off the rest of the way, never breaking our kiss. His mouth trailed down to my neck, nibbling at the sensitive skin where it met my shoulders. I gasped and raked my fingers through his hair, tugging it back and forcing his chin up so that his lips met mine again.

He broke our kiss slightly and whispered into my lips, “I like it when you’re forceful, Red.”

“Shut up and kiss me, John Boy.” I crushed my lips against his with such a force he tipped backward slightly but then caught himself, his hands sliding on my back and then down to my butt, cupping it in his hands.

I didn’t want to think. I wanted to do exactly what he wanted me to do: Let go. I wanted there to be a world in which I didn’t worry about cancer or finals or other girls that might want him. Just get lost in John’s kiss. I didn’t want to think of the other girls he’d been with or if he really was at home studying and not getting a lap dance from other girls.

But of course, it would be my body that betrayed me. It sent me a wakeup call that I definitely wasn’t well enough for sex yet. My stomach grumbled against John’s and he stopped kissing me.

I opened my eyes to look directly into his. He had his eyebrows slightly raised. “Was that your stomach growling?”

“Would you believe me if I said it wasn’t?” I ran my fingers through his hair, hoping that would make him forget about my stomach.

No such luck. He shifted underneath me until I was forced to move off of his lap and sit beside him. “I can’t sit here and make out with you when I know you’re starving. So, eat.” He handed me back my fork.

“Fine. Meanie.” I took a piece of the gnocchi and stuffed it in my mouth, making a face like an angry toddler.

“You’re kind of cute when you don’t get your way.” He smiled and took a bite of the gnocchi.

I pulled the container closer to me. “My gnocchi.”

“Ouch, getting feisty now.”

“Shut up and hand me some bread.” I pointed to the rolled up foil.

“As you wish.” He stood up, putting his coat back on.

“Wait!” I put my hand on his arm. “I didn’t mean it. You don’t have to leave.”

“As much as I’d love to stay here with you, I should probably get back to the house.”

“Why? Is there something more important there?” I wanted to ask if there was another girl, but I was afraid of the answer.

He shook his head, taking my hand and lacing our fingers. “Red, there is no one more important than you. I need to leave because if I don’t, I’m not sure if I can control myself. Neither of us will get any studying done and it’ll just end up with you on your back all night.”

“But what if that’s what I want?”

He leaned over, gently kissing my lips. “As much as I want to give you everything that you want, I’m going to have to decline. For now.” He stood back up and walked to the door. “Happy studying, Red.”

And then he left. Leaving me alone with my gnocchi and the need for a cold shower.

Finals are the excuse that colleges use to torture students. They say it’s to test them on everything they’ve learned for the semester, but really it’s just to find something to either make or break students.

The classes in my English major had final papers, so no tests for them, but I still had three other classes that required final tests. I’d always been a good student, but I’d started missing a lot of classes with everything that was going on physically. The distraction of John also didn’t help.

Are you coming over?

His texts were even more frequent. I wondered if this meant we were exclusive and if he considered me his girlfriend. I knew I didn’t want to be with anyone else, but I couldn’t tell him that. I was still trying to keep everything in check. I was falling way too hard.

Studying. Shouldn’t you be doing the same thing?

I picked up my Spanish book. My final was Saturday morning at eight. Whoever thought of that was seriously nuts, but all of the foreign language finals were scheduled on a Saturday, which also meant that I had a little over a week to finish all of my online homework and then hopefully understand enough Spanish to pass a scantron test.

My phone buzzed again and I expected it to be a text from John, but instead Monica’s face was smiling back at me. I unlocked the phone and answered it.

“Hey, people actually still have conversations on these things?”

Monica laughed at the other end. “Yeah, yeah. I’m driving and I didn’t want to text and drive.”

“Should you be talking and driving?”

“I’m doing it aren’t I? Don’t argue with me, I’m calling to see if you want a study date.”

I put my worksheet in my Spanish book and closed it. “You aren’t going to study with Trey?”

“Have you ever tried to study with Trey?” Her turn signal beeped in the background. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, but we either end up arguing politics or making out and I actually need to get something done. That’s why I’m calling you because you’re the best motivator.”

I wished I still had the motivation I used to. At the beginning of the school year I did nothing but go to classes and work. Now all I thought about was John and cancer. I still had another biopsy after finals and I was eager to get the results and just get back to normalcy. Well, as normal as I could be.