Magan Vernon - The Only One

Of course I had to put those worries aside to finish my finals. Spanish wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, mainly because John still kept encouraging me to speak Spanish in the heat of the moment and I found myself burning up every time I thought of the different verbs I would use and how they would roll off my tongue and into his mouth.

My other classes were another story. I had two final papers, a history final, and my Physics final. None of my teachers knew what was going on with my cervical cancer so I felt like all of them glared at me when I walked in. Like they knew I had been missing class and just assumed I started slacking. It was like I had to re-prove myself. As if the first few months of me doing nothing but showing up to class and diligently turning in my homework on time were forgotten and I was just another slacker in the crowd.

It also probably didn’t help that I would throw on one of John’s Alpha Mu hoodies with my jeans half the days I was running late to class. I think all of my teachers had some secret vendetta against fraternity guys. I even remember my British Lit professor asking what a nice girl like me was doing with a hoodie like that.

But the more time I spent with John, the less I really cared what other people thought. It was like Monica told me, “If they’re nobody, who cares what they think?” I proved myself enough by getting mostly A’s in my classes and to hell with what the kids in my classes thought of me. Maybe it was time to let go.

Then there was still cancer to think about. I made an appointment the Friday before break for another colposcopy. The doctor wanted to make sure they got rid of all the cancer and if there was still anything there we would have to explore other options. I didn’t want to think of the other options. This time John wasn’t the one to take me, though. Valerie came into town.

“After we’re done with this doctor stuff, we’re going shopping.” Valerie glanced at me out of the corner of her obnoxiously large sunglasses. There wasn’t much snow on the ground, but whenever the earth was blanketed in white, it seemed like the sun shone off of it and made everything brighter.

“Shopping? Don’t you have enough of that working off Michigan Ave?”

“Um, what I do there is work. Not shop.” She flicked on her turn signal to turn toward my doctor’s office. “Besides, I can’t afford to shop on Michigan Ave every day, or have the time to with all of these crazy hours. I haven’t even started Christmas shopping.”

“Okay, fine. You win. We’ll go shopping.”

“And we need to get you something to wear out tonight. I scoped your closet and your wardrobe is lacking.”

I shook my head. “You still want to go out tonight?”

I was hoping she’d forgotten about that idea. I remembered how sore I felt after my last colposcopy.

“Uh, yeah. My baby sister has a fake ID and her boyfriend can probably get us past the door without cover. I’m not missing out on that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”

“Besides, John stayed around on Christmas break for you. The least you can do is show a little skin and get him out on the dance floor.”

“He didn’t stay around just for me. He said he had some fraternity stuff to take care of.” Even as the words left my mouth, I knew they were a lie. I didn’t remember the last time he actually stayed at the house. He was like my new roommate who slept in my bed. Maybe a night out before break could change that.

* * *

Valerie thumbed through some ties at one of the department stores. “What the hell do you even get for a dad you barely ever see?”

Valerie hadn’t done any Christmas shopping and her list was a mile long. I just got everyone Starbucks gift cards and called it a day. But Valerie thought it was too impersonal. Ever since we were little girls she loved going shopping and would spend hours looking for the “perfect gift” for everyone.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Coffee?”

“Probably what he does need. Maybe I’ll get everyone something to go with your plethora of gift cards. I seriously can’t believe you got John the same thing as our mom. That’s just so weird.”

“Why? He likes coffee. Everyone likes coffee and if they don’t, they’re missing out.”

Valerie scoffed and then walked out of the men’s section. I followed her toward the purses. “It’s so impersonal, especially for your boyfriend. Don’t you want to get him something special?”

“Like what?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Something that isn’t a gift card. Something that he would actually appreciate. Something that shows just how much you care about him.”

I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, Val, we haven’t been dating that long and he’s a guy. He doesn’t expect all of that.”

“I don’t think you give him enough credit.”

I let out a single laugh. “So now you’re going to tell me that you know John better than I do?”

“I’m just saying that I’ve seen the way he is with you. I watched him carry you up the stairs after your surgery. The guy has a serious heart.”

All of that was true, but there was still something that was holding me back. I had my guard up around him. Our relationship started out with me wanting to do nothing but jump his bones and now (while I still thought often about it) there was something that had changed. I was in love with the guy and it was getting harder not to express it. I had this deep fear that I would say it and he wouldn’t feel the same way and would run for the hills. He may have cared about me, but love was a different thing.

“We’ll see.”

* * *

After what seemed like forever shopping, Valerie finally finished picking out Christmas gifts and we went back to my apartment. I pulled the tags off my new silk, maroon tunic and then put it in the sink with some of my body wash. I didn’t want to go downstairs into the laundry room to wash one thing and it was supposedly delicate anyway.

“If I wake up in the middle of the night hearing you and John doing it, I’m going to be really upset with you.” Valerie leaned against the fridge.

“We’re totally not going to be doing it.”

Valerie crossed her arms over her chest. “You mean to tell me that after a night of bar hopping with that hot piece of man candy you aren’t just going to hump like rabbits and forget that your sister is sleeping on the couch? Because if you are, then I’d appreciate knowing so I can go find a cheap hotel.”

I sighed. “No, Val. We definitely won’t be sleeping together. Well, probably sleeping together, but definitely not sex.”

“Is there something I should know about him?” She raised her eyebrow. “If I had a guy like that I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of him.”

Harder than she thought. I wanted to, on many occasions, jump his bones, but it was like my body rejected the idea. My broken body.

“Yeah...about that.”

Her eyes widened and she gasped. “Oh my god! He’s not gay is he? Are you just like his beard or something?”

“What?” I dropped my shirt in the sink. “No! Oh god no! Like quite the opposite.”

“Then what is it?”

“I don’t want to have this conversation with my sister.”

“Ugh, seriously? I share everything with you. You share everything with me. You freaking told me about how you lost your virginity and you had mom write you a note to get out of gym class the next day.”

“Valerie! Never speak of that again.”

She held her hands up and pushed off of the fridge. “Okay, okay. I was just making a point.”

I sighed. “Fine. I haven’t actually slept with John and I don’t know if we ever well. We’ve gotten close, but...ugh.”

“Ugh, what?” Her eyes widened as if to say “go on.”

“It’s like there’s something busted and it just won’t happen. My body always betrays me or something. I just worry that maybe I’m not enough for him. Maybe someday he’s going to realize that I’m a fraud and leave me for someone who isn’t damaged. Someone without a disease”

Valerie shook her head. “First off, how many times have I told you to stop with that pity bullshit?”

“A lot.”

“And second, any guy who doesn’t want to be with you because you have cancer isn’t a guy that you want to be with anyway. You’re not broken. You may be a little crazy, but have you seen our mother? We’re all a little mad.”

I let out a deep breath and picked up my shirt again, ringing it out and then laying it flat on the counter. “You’re probably right.”

“I’m always right.”

She was right. She usually was. But that didn’t stop me from worrying. It was always in the back of my mind that something terrible was going to happen. Like all of the good that had been built up in our relationship could stop at any moment and I would go back to being alone. John may have been understanding now, but maybe someday he wouldn’t. Then where would I be?

Most of the college students had left for break, but enough of them were around that it took almost forty-five minutes for a cab to show up at my apartment. That left enough time for my sister and me to get pretty tipsy from pre-gaming.

“Never have I ever threw up in the middle of a cornfield,” Valerie slurred through fits of giggles.

“You bitch!” I laughed and then tipped back the bottle of whipped cream vodka she just had to get when we were at Target.

John was meeting us at Gatsby’s. He said he was having some guy time with his remaining fraternity brothers. Valerie asked me again if I was sure that I wasn’t his beard.

“You know you love me.” Valerie grabbed the bottle from my lips mid-drink and took another glug from it.

“Only because we’re family.”

My phone vibrated on the table and Valerie’s reflexes were quicker so she picked it up before I could even move my hand. “Looks like loverboy might decide to break my no-screwing-while-your-sister-is-on-the-couch rule.”

“What are you talking about?” I reached for the phone, but she pulled it out of my grasp.

She lowered her voice and read the message. “Hey, Red, where you at? You and your sister need to get your fine asses to Gatsby’s. Hopefully we can have a repeat of the last time we were here.”

“I’m sure that’s not what he said.”

She tossed the phone on the table and stood up, smoothing out her dress. I thought she was a little too dressed up to be going to a college bar. This wasn’t downtown Chicago and nobody cared that she was in a designer wrap dress and sky high heels. She even spent hours in the bathroom airbrushing makeup and curling her hair. I, on the other hand, just put on my sleeveless maroon tunic, a pair of black leggings, and called it good enough with my curly hair and some light makeup.

“Whatever he said, we’d better see if that cab is finally here. I don’t want your lightweight ass to pass out on me before we even leave the apartment.” She put her hand out.

“I am not a lightweight.” I took her hand, but wobbled as I stood up. Maybe drinking so much vodka was not a good idea.

“Yeah, and the Pope isn’t Catholic.”

* * *

This time the bouncer scrutinized my ID and made us pay cover. I never thought we’d get in and I let out a big breath of air once we stepped inside the stuffy bar.

“Ugh, why didn’t you just have John come with us? No one would question him.”

“He had some fraternity thing, so it was just easier to meet us,” I yelled over the music. Some hip hop song blared through the speakers and the place was elbow to elbow with people. I didn’t know how we’d ever find John.

“I hope some of his hot fraternity brothers are here. I could use a sloppy make out session with a random.”

I rolled my eyes. “If you insist.”

She grabbed my hand, yanking me toward the staircase that led to the dance floor. “Come on. Send him a text that we’re here and let’s dance.”

I sent John a quick text and went along with her. Her body moved to the music as we pushed our way down the stairs. I wanted to check my phone again, but before I could reach in my pocket, we were at the bottom of the steps and Valerie was pulling me forward just as another song started.

“God, I haven’t been to Fratsby’s in so long!” she yelled with a giggle.

I moved along with her, but my eyes kept scanning the crowd for John. He was tall enough that I should have seen him easily, but I couldn’t find him in the mess of bodies. It also didn’t help that my vision was a little blurry.

“You’re way too tense! Let’s get you some more to drink!” Valerie yanked me forward and found a smaller bar, just off the dance floor. She ordered us two shots of something called a buttery nipple and she gulped it down as if was nothing more than water. I followed suit and then she ordered another. By the third shot, I didn’t care what was going on anymore and needed to dance.