Lucy Gordon - The Pregnancy Bond

The conversation limped along for another half an hour before he could decently put her into a cab and bid her goodnight. Olympia kissed him tenderly, as if to say that she understood. He only wished he understood it himself.

The lights were on when he reached the apartment, but there was no sign of life. Then Jake heard the murmur of voices coming from behind Kelly’s closed bedroom door. Kelly murmuring, Carl in response, then a soft, feminine laugh that made the hair stand up on the back of Jake’s neck.

‘That’s lovely,’ he heard her say. ‘Oh, yes, I like that.’

Then Carl, ‘As long as you’re pleased, Kelly. That’s the main thing. This is half the fun of parenthood.’

Jake stood very still, hoping for something more that would explain what he’d heard, but the voices dropped to murmurs. He waited there for a long while, before a sense that his behaviour was undignified drove him to bed. He lay listening for Carl’s departure until, despite his determination not to, he fell asleep.

JAKE didn’t know what made him awaken, but one moment he was asleep, and the next he was sitting up in bed, fully alert. Opening his door, he found the apartment silent and dark. Kelly’s door was ajar and he ventured to push it gently and look in. The glow from the window showed him that the room was empty.

Flicking the light on he discovered that the bed hadn’t been slept in. Spread over the duvet were books of nursery wallpaper, and pages of scrawled notes. But there was no sign of Kelly.

Some instinct made him go to the window. It overlooked the front, and the little park where they had talked the other night. There were still some park lights on, and he could just make out the tiny children’s playground, with a couple of swings and one plain wooden carousel, aimlessly turning. After a moment he identified the person sitting on it. She had a forlorn aspect, huddled in a thick jacket, arms crossed over her chest against the night air, turning and turning aimlessly. In a minute Jake had thrown on some clothes and was hurrying downstairs.

By the time he neared the carousel it was moving very slowly, bringing Kelly face to face with him, then carrying her gently away again. She didn’t seem surprised by his sudden appearance, and he wondered if she was even aware of him. He climbed on next to her. Kelly didn’t speak, but she smiled and tucked her hand into the crook of his arm.

‘Well,’ he said at last, ‘did the two of you decide?’

‘Decide?’

‘How to decorate the baby’s room. That’s what you were mulling over, wasn’t it?’

She gave a brief laugh. ‘Yes. We can’t decide between fluffy penguins and fluffy bears.’

He considered. ‘I prefer fluffy tigers myself.’

‘Uh-uh! Carl’s determined on penguins.’

Jake made a face. ‘Well, if that’s what Carl wants… Is he planning to do the decorating as well?’

‘He did mention it.’

‘There’s no need. I’m strong enough for a bit of painting.’

‘No way,’ she said at once. ‘You’re going to be on the sick list for a while yet. Leave it to Carl. Anyway, it can wait. There are still important matters to be agreed. If I give in about penguins on the walls I expect to choose the stencils on the furniture.’

If he’d really been her brother he could have asked which room she was planning to turn over to the baby. Probably the small one, where she was now sleeping. But that left her nowhere to go, except his room. Which meant that she was looking ahead to his departure.

Jake tried phrasing the question several ways before abandoning the attempt.

He pushed the ground with his foot, to speed up the carousel.

‘There was one of these where we used to live,’ he said after a while. ‘Just after we were married.’

‘I remember,’ she said softly. ‘I used to think I’d take our baby on it one day.’

He reached for her hand in his arm and gave it a squeeze.

Turn, turn…the park was gliding gradually around them.

‘I’m sorry I wasn’t there,’ he said quietly.

He wondered if he should explain that he meant when she’d lost the baby, but she immediately picked up his thought.

‘It wasn’t your fault. You got that freelance assignment. You’d worked so hard to make them give it to you and nobody else-’

‘Jobs had been a bit thin on the ground,’ he recalled. ‘We’d gone through your mother’s money and I had nothing to show for it. I felt so ashamed of that, I’d have done anything to earn money. I didn’t like going abroad on that job, but you seemed fine when I left-’

‘Nobody could have guessed it was going to happen,’ she said quickly. ‘I was actually feeling very well that day, and then suddenly-’

‘Go on,’ he said after a moment.

‘No, it doesn’t matter.’

Her refusal was like a door slammed in his face, hurting with unexpected force. ‘Why won’t you tell me?’

‘You always said there was no point in brooding about things,’ she explained without rancour. ‘You said we’d talk about it later, when I was pregnant again and talking wouldn’t hurt.’

He winced. ‘That was just to suit my own convenience,’ he said harshly. ‘I couldn’t bear to speak about it, so I made it impossible for you. It was an act of pure selfishness, didn’t you know that?’

She rested her head against his shoulder. ‘I can’t really remember now.’

He moved his free hand upwards until it found her face, cupping her cheek. Then he leaned his head down against her hair.

‘Kelly, I’m sorry for everything,’ he said quietly.

‘Don’t be. You were right. Brooding’s no use. It wastes time. You have to think of what lies ahead of you.’

‘Do you know what does lie ahead of you?’

‘No. Not for a while yet. Maybe next week. If I’m still pregnant by next Tuesday-’

‘Hush!’ he stopped her quickly. ‘You will be. I know that. I know it with total certainty. I promise you have nothing to worry about.’

She thumped him weakly on the shoulder. ‘You so-and-so,’ she said. ‘You don’t know what you’re saying. You’ve no idea about babies or pregnancy, and you talk as though you’re handing the word down from the mountain. So why do I believe you? Why can you make me believe you when I know you’re talking through your hat?’

‘Talking through my hat is what I’m good at,’ he said wryly. ‘My one and only skill. I’ve built a career on it, and I thought maybe I could put it to good use for a change. But I never fooled you. Still, it can be true, even if it’s only me saying it. You’re going to have this baby safely,’ he repeated insistently, trying to convince her, not just with his voice but with the comforting warmth of his arms. ‘And you can do the things you meant to the first time. You’ll have it all back, everything you lost then.’

At once he knew he’d made a false step. Kelly tensed and drew away from him.

‘What is it?’ he asked anxiously.

‘You don’t understand. I can’t have back what I lost then. That child is gone for ever.’

‘But you’ll have this child-’

‘A different one. Not a replacement for the other. She’ll always be my first child, my daughter, as long as I live.’

‘Ah yes, I remember. You said it would have been a girl.’

‘It was a girl,’ Kelly insisted. ‘Not would have been, was. She was a real person to me, even though she didn’t quite make four months. She was real, and she died before I even knew her. All the time I was miscarrying I tried to talk to her, to tell her to hang on because her mother loved her. But then it was too late, so I said goodbye and told her that I always had loved her, and always would. But I don’t know if she heard me.’ Kelly’s voice was suddenly thick with tears.

‘Of course she did,’ Jake said fiercely. ‘Not heard, but felt what you were saying, sensed it. She knew. You have to believe that.’

‘I try. Thank you for telling me that.’

I should have told you then, he thought, but I didn’t know any of this.

He longed to ask if she’d told their child that he too loved her, but he no longer had any right. And he was afraid that Kelly, in her uncompromising honesty, would give him an answer he couldn’t bear.

‘And if the worst comes to the worst,’ he added hesitantly, ‘you’re not alone. You’ve still got-your brother.’ His arms tightened about her.

‘Yes,’ she murmured comfortably. ‘I always wanted a brother. Maybe it was because I didn’t have a father, but I used to dream of someone I could talk to, and who’d be strong for me, and perhaps need me too. I was just a burden to my mother, and I thought how nice it would be to have a brother who’d rely on me as much as I relied on him.’ She tightened her arms about Jake. ‘Who’d have thought it would turn out to be you?’

‘I don’t know that I’m any better as a brother than I was as a husband,’ he said sombrely.

‘You came looking for me tonight. You’re solid and you’re here.’

‘Which is more than I was-’

‘Hush,’ she stopped him. ‘We’ve covered all that, and it doesn’t matter any more.’

‘No,’ he said quietly, ‘I suppose it doesn’t.’ He bent his head to kiss the top of her hair. ‘Kelly,’ he murmured, ‘Kelly, Kelly… I’m so sorry.’

She looked up at him. ‘No need to be sorry, Jake. You made me very happy, lots of times.’

‘But not all the time.’

‘There isn’t really any such thing as all the time,’ she said wisely. ‘We shouldn’t ask for it.’

‘No, I guess not,’ he sighed. ‘But it was good now and then, wasn’t it?’

‘Oh, yes, yes, the best thing in the world.’ A radiant smile broke over her face and Jake drew in his breath.

Very gently he laid his lips against her forehead, kissing her like the brother he was supposed to be, and they clung together contentedly until a shout startled them.

‘Oi!’ They looked up to find a uniformed man standing a few feet away. ‘I’m closing up now,’ he called. ‘You two go and do your courting somewhere else.’

Jake could have cheerfully strangled the man for ruining the precious moment, but Kelly gave a choke of laughter.

‘We’re going,’ Jake called hastily, helping her to her feet. Then his sense of humour returned. ‘Courting! If we told him the truth he wouldn’t believe it.’

‘Nobody would believe it,’ she agreed. ‘You have to be mad to understand.’

‘And we always were.’

As they strolled away the lights began to go off. ‘It was nice being mad together,’ he mused.

‘Mmm. It was lovely.’

‘Come on.’ He tried to hurry her. ‘It’s too cold out here for you.’

‘You too. I’m supposed to be looking after you, remember?’

‘Guess we’ll have to look after each other.’

‘For a while.’

‘Yes-for a while.’

Kelly had said ‘next Tuesday’ and in her mind that was always the cut-off date. If she could hold out five more days, then four, then three, two…

On Monday night she worked late, reading first one book then another. The print passed under her eyes without her taking anything in. She knew what she was doing, making an excuse not to go to bed, because if she had to lie looking into the darkness the terrors would get worse.

There was a thin line of light under Jake’s door, and she found herself looking at it with resentment. If he was up, why didn’t he come and talk to her? That was what brothers were for, wasn’t it?

Then her resentment died. This was the way she’d chosen it, with Jake kept at arm’s length. She hadn’t even told him the crucial fact that she was due to have an ultrasound scan the next day. She’d meant to, but somehow there had always seemed a good reason for not bothering him.

She sighed, telling herself to stop playing games and face the truth. It was her pride that held her silent. He might have thought she was asking him to involve himself more deeply in the pregnancy, and what she dreaded most was to see him being determinedly polite to cover his reluctance.

She took a deep breath, telling herself firmly not to give in to weakness. She put the books tidily away and went to her room, with a last hopeful glance at Jake’s door. The strip of light was still there, but nothing was moving. She closed her own bedroom door very quietly.

Even so, Jake heard the faint sound. He’d detected every movement she made and knew when she riffled through books or paced the floor. He’d left his light on deliberately, so that she would know he was up. At any moment, he was sure she would knock and say she needed him. Perhaps she would even tell him about the scan she was having tomorrow, about which he would never have known if he hadn’t found the letter by chance. It would happen. All he had to do was wait.

But he waited and waited, until at last he knew that waiting was useless. He heard her bedroom door close, and then there was nothing to do but put out the light.