Tymber Dalton - The Reluctant Dom

Seth and I went out fishing today. Man that was a blast! If it hadn’t been for him, I would have lost the first one I landed…

Seth came over today for help with his math. If I could just get stupid Denise to leave us alone. I wanted to brain my bratty sister. He helped me fix my bike…

That stupid asshole in our sixth period English class, David, he got pissed because I wouldn’t let him cheat off me. He said he was going to pound me. Thank God Seth walked up when he did. I think Seth’s going to be taller than me…

He sat back, stunned. No, not every entry was about him. But shit he didn’t even remember happening, here it was in black and white.

And he’d played a starring role in much of it.

He never dreamed… He always saw Kaden as his strong and steady rock. He never imagined he was the same for Kade.

* * *

Three days later he’d worked up to Kaden’s college days and his friend’s take on the threesome.

Man, that was fucking INTENSE! I will never, till my dying day, forget that. I never could or would have done that with anyone but Seth, but MAN…

Seth choked up as he worked his way through the journal.

I took Seth out for lunch today. He leaves for basic training tomorrow. What the hell am I going to do without my best friend? God, I’m not much into prayer, but please let my buddy come home safe when he’s done with all of this…

Weeks later, Kaden wrote:

Seth’s coming back from basic tomorrow! He’ll only be home for a week before he ships out, but damn it I’m going to be so glad to see him!

Seth checked to make sure Leah was still asleep. She still spent most afternoons napping, although her naps were slowly growing shorter in duration.

He returned to the study, locked the door, and cried.

The next day he read about when Kaden first met Leah.

She’s so beautiful! But she looks so scared, like that rabbit I raised for 4H that time. Like the slightest thing would send her running…

Only three days, I know she’s the one! I’ve never felt about anyone like this before. I can’t wait for Seth to meet her…

A short time later, Kade wrote,

She broke up with me. I don’t know what I did wrong, but I can’t lose her. It’s like the thought of being without her rips my heart right out of my chest. I’ve got to do something, convince her that I love her. Damn it I wish I could call Seth and talk to him, ask him for advice, for his help. She scared the shit out of me when I caught her with that knife. Then I wanted to take it and kill her father myself after she finally confessed what she’s been through. Fuck. I can’t let her get away. God help that bastard if he ever gets out of prison and tries to contact her. I’ll kill him with my bare hands. Hell, Seth can help me hide the body…

He laughed at that. How many times over the years had they joked that “friends help you move, and real friends help you move bodies”? They’d always claimed they were “body-moving friends.”

Kade’s entry the day after the first spanking.

I felt like total shit, man. I have never, EVER, hit a woman. But I’ll do whatever I have to do to make her happy and keep her from hurting herself. Even if I hate myself every time I do it…

It took Seth another three weeks to work his way through to the day Kaden first found out.

I went to the doc today. I’m going to get a second opinion. This can’t be right. What am I going to do?

Kaden journaled even more frequently in his last months, leaving Seth a detailed blueprint of things he might not have covered well enough in person.

The final entry, dated the day before Seth called hospice.

It’s close. I can feel it. I wake up every morning first surprised I’m even here, and then mad I won’t be there for them. And then grateful that Leah has stood by my side for this journey, and beyond grateful that Seth has joined us and is here for me and then will be there for her. We finally get our happily ever after, and I can’t be here longer for it. Fuck. Seth, man, I love you, brother. You know that. I’m so sorry to bail on you like this. I feel like I’m letting you down. I’d hoped it would be the three of us forever. I know there’s no miracle, and I know these journals aren’t a substitute for the real thing. I hope reading them helps you understand why. Helps you understand her, and how I could share her with you. I don’t expect you to share her with anyone. Frankly, I hope you don’t. No one understands our girl as well as you do now. I’ve told Ed to wait a month before giving these to you if Leah seems to be hanging in there. If not, I told him to wait a little longer because I don’t want you stressing, and I want your focus to be totally on her if she needs you.

I don’t seriously think I have any worries after a year, do I? Really? Let’s face it, you love her as much as I do. I knew it from the first time you guys met, I think. I never admitted that to you or her before. It didn’t matter. In a way I was glad, because I knew then I’d met a girl good enough for you, buddy. I wish I’d been brave enough to talk to you sooner, years ago. This would have all been so much easier with you here from the start, from before my life got ripped apart.

I always had this weird thought, even years ago, when we were kids, that I wished we could marry the same girl and all be together. I had no idea what that meant back then, only that the thought of not seeing or talking to you every day ripped me up from the inside out. I thought I was weird or freaky. I didn’t know then what I know now, duh. I hated it when you were gone overseas. I worried about you every day, fucking missed you like crazy.

How much of our lives, any of us humans, do we live spent in fear of some sort? I was always worried you’d think I was gay or something, and that was never it at all. I just…wanted you there. With me. I had no frame of reference to explain it before. And I couldn’t tell you how much I hated your wives. Not because of them (well, okay, a little) but because they cut into how much time I could spend with you.

I was so happy when I knew Leah loved you. Fuck, I wanted to jump up and down and scream it! You have no idea. I’m sorry I didn’t admit that to you sooner. I should have, but again, you had so much on your plate to deal with. Why one more worry? I knew you’d understand later, as you lived with us. As you felt it yourself.

The right woman. I’m sorry I can’t be here longer with you and her to enjoy…

Seth closed the journal and took a deep breath. He needed time to compose himself. Twenty minutes later, he started reading again.

…and her to enjoy our life together. Please make sure she understands how sorry I am about that. And you too. I never would have shared her with anyone else. I know you don’t want to share her with anyone else. And I think maybe she sensed how much I loved you. Maybe that’s why she was able to feel the way I did about you, even though I never admitted everything to her. Tell her I’m sorry about that, too.

If she reads this, then babe, please understand, I didn’t know how to tell you. You know how much Seth’s meant to me all these years. He’s been my rock. He was the one person I knew—besides you—would always be there for me, who would be honest with me and didn’t give a shit who or what I was. I could have been a bum somewhere, and Seth would still be my friend. I always wished he’d been my brother. I always wanted to spend the nights at his house when we were kids, loved his mom and dad even more than my own, I think. They were fantastic.

Well, I can’t write forever, can I? Ha-ha. I’ve given Ed, as you’ve already seen by now, lots of instructions, lots of things to give both of you. Hopefully to keep the two of you going. I’m sorry I’ve got to leave you sort of flying blind. I’ve never been through something like this before, but I have every faith in you, Seth, that you will keep her safe and keep her wanting to live. Or get her back to wanting to live. She loves you. She’ll respond to you if nothing else.

Find your own path with her. Don’t worry about trying to do everything exactly the way I did it. That won’t work for you, and it’ll leave her confused and angry. She’ll understand and adapt better if you start trying to do things your own way. I don’t expect you to change things overnight, but do what feels right for you. Don’t worry about if I’d approve. If you keep your promise to me and her, that’s all I care about. The details of how you do that don’t matter to me. I know you love her and will do everything in your power to keep her safe and loved.

Take care, and go in peace, brother. I love you, Seth. I love you, Leah. You have both made me so proud.

Seth sobbed. That Kaden’s words were so much his own at the end…it sent a shiver up his spine. And that last piece clicked into place.

He understood. Finally.

Completely, utterly.

When he was a kid, maybe six, around that age, he remembered going to one of his cousin’s weddings. Thinking how cool it’d be if his best friend and him could be together, Seth had asked his mom if two guys could marry the same girl. She’d gotten this horrified look on her face and said, “Don’t be ridiculous!”

He’d never dared, ever, to ask about it again.

He never dreamed Kaden had thought the same thing. But then again, didn’t it fit? They were like twins in many ways, born only weeks apart. Their mothers had drifted apart as close friends over the years before their respective deaths, but their own friendship had never faltered, never wavered. It had grown stronger, deeper.

He carried the papers—Kaden had put the later journals into three-ring binders for him—into the bedroom.

Leah awoke as he climbed into bed with her. When she saw his face, sleep left her system.

“What’s the matter?”

He held her close and read Kaden’s final journal entry to her. This one time, he knew she should see it out of order. By the time he finished, she was sobbing, too, clinging to him.

Then he told her. He admitted what he’d never told anyone else.

Admitted what he’d wished he’d told Kaden years ago.

She finally sat up and looked at him, wiped his tears away, and kissed him. “I love you, and I don’t want anyone else. Ever. I’ve lost Kaden, but I still have you.”

“I won’t share you. I’m telling you that right now.”

She smiled. It was the first time he’d seen a smile actually reach her eyes since Kaden’s death. “I hope to hell you don’t. It’d really piss me off.”

I’d spent the better part of the past two months out of town, both on vanilla business and teaching classes. It was good to be home. I’d almost decided not to go to the club, then thought it might not be a bad thing, get caught up with the latest chatter, chill out a little. I was currently without sub or girlfriend, and the club always needed volunteer DMs.

I was standing in the foyer talking to Becca, one of the registration volunteers, when I heard the bike outside. No mistaking that sound. They walked in a moment later, and it took me a minute to process the sight.

I hadn’t seen them in a couple of months even though I talked to them on the phone once a week on average, e-mails even more frequently. Seth walked over, smiled, and shook my hand. “Hey, Tony. When did you get back?”

“Yesterday. Still unpacking. I was going to call you tomorrow.”

Leah looked good, a world better than a year ago, even better than the last time I’d seen her although I suspected she’d always wear her deep grief like an invisible veil. She had her bike helmet tucked under her arm, black jeans, and her black bike jacket was unzipped over her heavy leather bustier that—barely—covered her breasts and kept her street-legally dressed. Her custom-tooled, locked black leather collar looked good. The little silver tags caught the dim light. She glanced at her Master. He gave her a quick nod.

“Hi Tony,” she said, leaning in for a quick hug.

“You two doing okay?” I knew the anniversary had been two weeks earlier.

She smiled and it looked genuine, unlike the horrifically awful mask she forced in the early days and weeks after Kaden’s death. I preferred to witness her honest private grief than the façade she’d tried to portray to the rest of the world.