Kristen Ashley - The Will

There was a nagging ache all throughout my body that was not terrible but it didn’t feel brilliant either.

Even so, I queried in return, “Does Amber have another outfit I can borrow?”

And there was humor in Jake’s tone when he answered, “She has about seven of ‘em.”

“Then the answer is yes. But I’ll meet you at the gym and use your locker room to change there,” I told him.

“Can’t make you an energy shake before we go, you meet me at the gym,” was his reply.

This didn’t sound appealing.

“Uh…” I mumbled.

“Be there at six thirty. Be up. I’ll bring your gear.”

Six thirty?

Earlier, he’d said seven.

And seven was already an hour (or two) too early.

“Uh…” I repeated.

“You’re in charge of coffee.”

“Um…Jake—” I started.

“Shit,” he muttered in a distracted way before I could say more. “Con just walked in. The look on his face, he’s got somethin’ on his mind. Gotta go.”

I had a feeling this had to do with Conner perhaps making another “cut” of one of his “babes.” And if he was sensitive to them and cared about them, regardless of how many there were, this would be unpleasant.

He’d need his dad.

And Jake, being Jake, would be there for him.

My heart swelled, my belly dipped and my head revolted.

It was my head that knew how to react but this had happened with Henry too. When the pain of not having what I so very much wanted escalated before I settled into the knowledge that what I had was better than not having anything at all.

“All right, Jake. See you tomorrow,” I said.

“Yeah, baby. See you,” he replied softly. “Sleep tight.”

“You too.”

“Later.”

“Later, Jake.”

He rang off.

I stared at my phone.

Then I sighed, tossed my phone to the seat, took another sip of my tea and turned my eyes to the sea.

I had a luxurious vehicle. I had a beautiful home with a beautiful view that held beautiful memories. I was becoming part of a beautiful family. I was building a friendship with a beautiful man. And I could take solace in the knowledge that my beautiful grandmother had given all of this to me because she loved me very, very deeply. It was mine. And it was far more than I’d ever had in my life.

Thus, I told myself, I had nothing to complain about and much to relish.

And taking another sip of tea, I decided to do that.

I also decided that after school activities with Ethan tomorrow would include going to the mall in order that I could buy my own workout clothes.

And maybe we could take Amber with us so I could purchase her makeup for her.

I grinned at the thought, for Ethan may not like a trip to the mall, but Amber would love it.

Yes, much to relish.

Starting the next morning with being in charge of coffee.

I was pretending.

Indeed, I’d been pretending all day.

I’d started my pretending by not setting the alarm. This meant Jake woke me up again that morning. But this time he didn’t sit on the bed and tickle my nose with a lock of my hair.

Instead, he’d bent over me, shifted the hair off my neck and trailed a finger down my jaw, murmuring, “Wake up, sleepyhead.”

His touch and his voice warmed me even more than the downy covers over me and I’d opened my eyes, this making Jake the first thing I saw for two mornings in a row.

This being something I knew with ridiculous certainty at that point in our acquaintance I wanted every single day for the rest of my life.

“You hit snooze or forget to set your alarm?” he asked softly.

“I forgot,” I lied.

He grinned.

Then, alas, he straightened and said, “Clothes in the bag. I’ll do coffee.” He’d tipped his head to the armchair in the corner telling me where the clothes where. Then, without delay, he left my room.

It was regrettable he was leaving. Still, I got to take in his electric blue workout shirt spread across his broad shoulders as he did so, therefore the view was outstanding.

Mickey showed that morning at the gym as he told me he would do the night before.

But even though Mickey made it clear he wished to approach, Jake stuck by my side like glue during our workout. He did this acting like a drill sergeant while I punched and kicked the bag as he instructed (this time with my hands taped which made me feel oddly less of an impostor, not to mention Jake taping my hands expertly was quite a sight to see and feeling to feel).

Thus, Jake gave neither Mickey nor I an opening other than to smile at each other, me to wave and Mickey to lift his chin to me.

When we were done, Jake whisked me out of the gym saying I had to get to the Weavers and he had “shit to do.”  He did this while Mickey had his back to us, working a punching bag, so he didn’t even see us go.

After that, Jake took me home. He again took me inside, I got another kiss on the cheek (close to my lips) and a ponytail tug as Jake reminded me of our plans and the timing of them for the evening.

Before he left, I also got Amber’s mobile number and I’d texted her to see if she’d like to join Ethan and me at the mall after school.

It took her an hour to reply but she’d politely excused the tardiness of it by saying she was in class, which I found gratifying, as politeness wasn’t Amber’s strong suit, not to mention, she shouldn’t be texting while in class. She went on to take me up on my offer and she did this exuberantly (yes, even via text).

Thus, I was able to continue pretending that my life included Jake Spear and his family.

I did this by taking Amber and Ethan to the mall directly after school, Amber meeting us at Lavender House in her car before we went.

I learned during this experience that Ethan might enjoy cooking but he did not enjoy shopping. As we had a list of specific cosmetics to buy and I knew what suited me even before I tried it on (I still tried them on), our forays in the women’s athletics store as well as at the cosmetics counter were short. Even so, Ethan still vociferously shared that he was not enjoying himself.

The only time he seemed placated was when he declared he was starving and I’d purchased an enormous soda for him along with a big bag of soft pretzel bites that included a tub of liquid cheese that was an alarming orange color. Nevertheless, Ethan found it delicious and I knew this because the entirety of this rather large snack was gone within five minutes.

We got him home and Amber and I sat at the kitchen table with a hand mirror as she tried out one of the looks Jean-Michel suggested. Watching her do it, I found she was quite adept with the brushes I bought her and, in the end, we were both pleased with the results.

Me specifically.

She was lovely normally.

Made up like that, she was beautiful and I didn’t hesitate to tell her this. Then I made a note never to hesitate to share things such as that with her because the look on her face was very much worth the energy it took to utter the words.

However, during this, I learned that Ethan was not a fan of “girl stuff” on the whole. I learned this as he shared it in disgust, staring at the cosmetics and brushes on the kitchen table. This he did before he took himself off to watch TV.

This he did with me smiling at him, for even when he was disgusted, he was endearing.

Shortly after, Jake arrived to take us to dinner and then the game.

And I kept pretending when he took one look at his daughter made up in a soft, subdued, romantic palette of colors.

And what I was pretending was that he was mine and in doing so, I daydreamed a variety of ways I would reward him for what he did with Amber when he saw her.

This was catch her chin with his fingers and let his eyes roam over her face.

They finally caught hers and he said quietly, “Jesus, honey. Knew you were beautiful. Didn’t know how much of that beauty you were hidin’ until just now.”

It was then I watched Amber’s face change, turn radiant with a hint of hopeful and I felt a lovely feeling gather tight around my heart as she smiled at her father.

He bent in and kissed her cheek and that feeling around my heart tightened brilliantly.

When Jake let her go, she turned her smile to me and said, “Thanks, Josie.”

“It was my pleasure, lovely girl,” I replied.

She kept smiling when she declared to both her dad and me, “Gotta get to the Taylors. Later.”

“Later, babe,” Jake returned.

“Have fun tonight, Amber,” I said.

She grinned at me then turned her head toward the family room and yelled, “Later, runt!” to her brother.

“Don’t call me runt!” Ethan yelled back.

I smiled at Jake when he did.

Jake returned my smile but his wasn’t about the engaging way his children teased each other. His smile was different, deeper, filled with gratitude and something else I didn’t completely understand but knew was meaningful in a way that was gravely important and also very good.

It said he liked the way his daughter looked. Very much so.

And he liked that I gave her that.

Very much so.

And I liked that.

Very much so.

Not only for Jake, but for Amber.

Feeling the lovely feeling Jake’s smile gave to me, I kept pretending when he took us to Weatherby’s Diner in Magdalene for dinner. I pretended I belonged to him and Ethan as we walked in, Jake’s hand holding mine. I pretended that the looks we got were looks I deserved, the women’s eyes going to Jake then going to his hand clasping mine and turning despondent.

I continued pretending when Jake slid in the booth beside me.

I kept at it when he slid his arm across the back of the booth, fantasizing this was done in an act of not only affection but also possession when it was more likely that he was a big man and it was simply more comfortable for him to spread out in this manner.

Even knowing this, I didn’t let go the fantasy. I was enjoying it too much.

And it was the only thing I’d ever get.

Therefore, I carried on pretending when we left the diner and Jake drove us to the high school football field as Ethan chattered animatedly (something he also did during dinner making Jake and my participation in our dinner conversation mostly responding to Ethan or smiling at him because we couldn’t get a word in edgewise).

Combat Raptor was the main topic, his enthusiasm that his wait was finally over as well as an in-depth description of the characters and actors who played them and how he felt about all of that.

I continued to pretend when Jake again took my hand at his truck and we walked through the parking lot and into the stadium.

I persisted in doing it as we made our way to our seats and more glances came our way. Some from people I didn’t know but Jake did and he lifted his chin to them. Some from people I’d made the acquaintance of and I smiled at them or gave them a brief wave. And then there were the others, from men who looked at me then to Jake and their faces closed down. The women who did the opposite but with the same final reaction.

I enjoyed doing it so much I got lost in it when Jake choose our seats and I stood in the bleachers watching him spread a thick woolen blanket across the metal bench. But before he did this, he shook something from the blanket. And once the blanket was arranged, before we sat on it, he turned to me.

I held my breath as he wrapped a long maroon wool knit scarf around my neck and tied it at my throat, doing this murmuring, “Gotta keep my girl warm.”

His girl.

Oh, how I wished.

The night was chill and overcast and Jake had remembered my scarf that morning we had breakfast at The Shack.

Oh yes.

How I wished.

Even though the scarf didn’t quite match my outfit.

I was forcing myself to breathe when he lifted his eyes to mine as he lifted a hand to my jaw and informed me, “Lydie knitted that for me three Christmases ago.”

Gran had made it for him.

The soft wool at my neck got warmer and instantly I felt my eyes get wet.

I said nothing mostly because I couldn’t.

Jake didn’t miss it and I knew it when he bent slightly toward me and stated, “Looks good on you, baby. But it bein’ from Lydie, I’ll want to keep it close.”