Rachel Dyken - Toxic

And that made me the worst type of human being.

Because anyone should want to live when faced with death. Any sane person would choose life. But me? If I was in her shoes? I would choose death. As far as I was concerned, the love of my life had already died, all I was waiting for was her physical body to follow suit. Her mind — everything that had made her who she was — was gone.

Mrs. Unifelt reached for my arm again, this time gripping it like a lifeline.

“And have you decided who will be doing the eulogy?”

All eyes turned to me. A weight descended on my shoulders as I hung my head and gave a slight nod. “I am.”

“If it comes to that,” Mrs. Unifelt added.

“Of course,” the funeral director said quickly. “If it comes to that.”

“Where’d you go, Gabe?” Kiersten snapped her fingers in front of me.

Everyone was seated at the table staring at me like I’d just grown a third eye and had demanded they call me Kanye.

“Uh…” I scratched the back of my head and let out a nervous chuckle. “Sorry, long night last night.”

“Must have been,” Wes muttered as his eyes flickered from Saylor back to me. “All things considering.”

Choosing to ignore his slight to my inability to sleep with any female since his operation, I glared and started piling my plate high with tacos.

“So…” Kiersten stole the taco shell from my plate and began making her own.

Irritated, I shot her a narrow-eyed glare and pretended not to be interested in her girly talk.

“Tell me about this project you guys have to do?” She finished.

“Yes, tell us. We wait with bated breath,” I said dryly, annoyed that I had to sit through dinner with a hot stranger who would rather see me choke to death than make it through the next ten minutes.

Someone kicked me under the table. I winced but otherwise said nothing.

“Well…” Saylor reached for a taco shell.

I swiped it away from her before she could grab it, pretending not to see her. So now I had like three naked taco shells on my plate all because I had the manners of a fifth grader and wanted to stick my tongue out at her — or maybe it was down her throat? I didn’t say I wasn’t confused about her.

“We have to do this Third Semester Seminar project about something that’s important to us. Since Lisa didn’t really know what to focus on—”

“—and since the most important thing to Lisa is the number of shoes she has in her closet,” I sang.

“Thanks, Gabe.”

I saluted her and piled some cheese onto my taco, hating that I was being put through the torture of watching Saylor nibble on a damn chip like a bunny who couldn’t decide if it liked its food.

“Anyways…” Saylor stuffed the chip into her mouth. Thank God. Then took another. Of course. “I decided that we could work on my idea together. The professor had already put a few teams together, and we were the last two left.”

“Bummer, and I thought I was important,” Lisa joked.

Saylor smiled, and I had to look away. If only she had lipstick on her teeth, or a damn tortilla chip stuck somewhere. Instead, it was blinding and way too happy for my taste. Playing the happy one was my job, but I didn’t have to enjoy it. Happy just seemed easy for her, so basically, she reminded me of a female version of Wes. Great, now there were two of them in the world, and both in my life indefinitely. I could only handle Wes’s wisdom in small doses; otherwise, I figured I’d strangle him or try to punch him in the face. Don’t get me wrong. I loved him more than a brother, but when a person’s so stuck in their own hole of darkness — it hurts like hell when someone shines a light on them. Your eyes have to adjust, and let’s just say it isn’t a pleasant experience; it’s why people stay there. It’s why a lot of us, and I do mean a lot of us, choose the façade rather than the reality of where we’re living. Hell, I’d been living in my dark hole for so long, I’d set up camp, put up pictures, and ordered cable.

Light reminded me of her smile, of what I’d taken, of what I’d never deserve again. It reminded me of loss, and I hated being reminded of loss. At least in my darkness I was comfortable. I didn’t have to think about the light because it was such a rarity I sometimes forgot what it even felt like.

“Stop smiling,” I blurted.

All heads turned in my direction.

“What? Me?” Saylor, still smiling, pointed at herself.

“Yeah, you got a chip stuck in your teeth or something,” I grumbled. “Didn’t want you to be embarrassed in front of strangers.” Holy Hell.

Her eyes narrowed.

“Chip free,” Kiersten announced after a two second stare down at Saylor’s mouth. “So what did you guys choose?”

Great, so everyone was back to ignoring me. I could handle that. I took a huge bite out of my taco and waited.

“One of the local group homes. The one down by the Sound.”

I spit out my taco onto my plate and started choking.

Lisa’s face went pale, and with shaking hands she reached for her water. “Oh, for some reason I thought you said retirement home this morning?”

“Oh, I did.” Saylor grinned. “Only because I wasn’t sure if they were going to let us into this other facility. For some reason the security is kind of crazy there. Anyways, my older brother did an internship there for a year before med school and said it was fantastic.”

“Why the hell would you choose a group home?” I blurted, voice scratchy after nearly asphyxiating on a taco.

“Gabe!” Kiersten smacked me in the arm. “What’s wrong with you tonight?”

I shrugged, not sure how long I could take the conversation.

“If you must know…” Saylor said in a tense voice. “My younger brother has Down syndrome. He had to go to a group home when he was really small because my parents had so much trouble with him. He wouldn’t eat, would scream all the time… that is until we finally learned how to take care of him the way he needed. His ears were really sensitive…” Saylor’s voice died off.

“And?” I prompted.

“And none of your business.” There was that damn smile again.

“Great, so…” Lisa nodded awkwardly. “Guess we’ll be going to the group home this weekend?”

“I’ll have to call and—”

“—they have game night Friday nights. Better go Saturday afternoon.” With that I pushed away from the table. My chair toppled to the ground as I made my way out of the dorm room and down the hall. I pressed the elevator button so hard I jammed my finger.

“You gonna tell her?” Wes’s calm voice said from behind me.

“Shit!” I hit my hand against the elevator door, praying it would open soon so I could escape. “Tell her what?”

“About the fact that you basically visit that same group home at least four times a week?”

Leave it to Wes to stalk me.

“You have security detail on me or what, man?” I tried to laugh but the laugh got caught in my throat.

“Something like that,” Wes’s said softly. “You know you could have told me.”

“Told you?” I croaked. “Just what do you know? I mean, what the hell Wes, what’s left to tell? Seems like you know it all anyway.”

The elevator dinged. I rushed in and pressed the lobby button.

“For what it’s worth…” Wes swallowed and looked away. “I’ve known for months.”

I swore and closed my eyes.

“Don’t tell,” I pleaded as the doors closed.

Snap at my best friend? Lose my shit in front of everyone I love? Check and check. I was losing myself — again. And this time I wasn’t sure I’d make it through. After all, being lost once is an accident… but if it happens twice, three times? A guy’s gotta wonder if it’s just in his destiny to never be found. —Gabe H.

Gabe

With a curse I kicked the door to the elevator, ready to break the damn thing in.

By the time I was in the lobby, I was ready to find an escape; anything would do at that point.

My phone rang. I reached into my pocket and cursed when I saw the number.

“Hello?”

“P—Gabe?”

“Yes?”

“She’s having another one of those nights… we’ve tried calming her down, but she wants you to sing to her, think you could do that?”

“Sure.” My throat constricted with tears. “Of course, just put me on speakerphone like usual.”

The phone made a static noise and then I heard Princess cry, “Park, Parkerrr! Sing our song, sing it! They don’t sing it right!”

“Aw, Princess that’s because they aren’t me.”

I heard giggling on the other end. “Okay, Park, I’m in bed.”

“Snug as a bug in a rug?”

“Snug!” she yelled in that high-pitched voice I’d grown used to. It had changed since the accident — it had become more childlike, more precious.

I looked around the lobby and went into one of the corners. Nobody was near me. so it’s not like someone would record my little performance and put it on YouTube.

“I love my Princess, my favorite girl. Every time I hear her laugh, I want to save the world — cause she’s my, my, my girl.”

Princess started singing along with me.

“My girl, my girl, she’ll always be my girl. And when the tears fall from her eyes, I’ll swear to never let her cry… never alone, never without me, never without us together. My girl, her and I will rule forever. My girl. She’ll forever be my girl.”

“Thanks, Parker,” she said in a happy voice.

Memories came flooding back.

“You’re crazy!” Kimmy laughed as I twirled her around the small room. “Put me down!”

“Never!” I vowed and then kissed her hard on the mouth. “If I put you down, then I’ll have to pick you up again, and that just seems silly since I want you in my arms forever.”

“Laying it on thick, Parker.” Her eyes twinkled.

“You love it.”

She nodded and laughed again. “It’s you. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Thanks for the song…” she said in a breathless voice. “I love it.”

“Every night.” I vowed. “It should be your lullaby every night. So when you fall asleep, the last thing you think of is me, and when you wake up, I want you to think of us.”

“I like that.” She kissed my cheek.

I set her on her feet and cupped her face. “Kimmy, I’ll always be there for you. You need to know that.”

She nodded, her eyes welling with tears. “I’m afraid we don’t have enough time — like something’s going to happen.”

“Stop…” I pulled her in for a kiss. “Regardless of what happens, it’s you and me. Tell me you believe me. Abandoning you? It’s never going to happen.”

“Thanks, Park.”

“Anything for you Princess, anything for you.”

Rustling and static told me they were taking me off speaker phone. The airy echo sound was gone and the connection was solid again. “Thanks again, Gabe. You know how hard it is on her when she doesn’t sleep.”

“Anytime.” My voice cracked. “After all, I made a promise.” I’d vowed never to abandon her.

That was it.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

There was a reason I lost myself in women — a reason I didn’t do relationships, a reason I closed myself off from the world.

Because the minute you let someone in — they either die — or you kill them — literally. That was my truth. My life.

A girl stepped off the elevator dressed to kill. Her blonde hair was piled high on her head, her makeup so dark she looked like a prostitute.

“Hey…” I licked my lips as the girls head snapped up. “Where you off to?”

“Out.”

I nodded and took a step toward her as the elevator doors opened into the lobby. “Out sounds good.”

“’Kay.” Her eyelashes lowered. “Gabe, right?”

“Right.” I wasn’t surprised. I had a certain reputation.

“So,” she said, as a blush spread across her cheeks, “you can ride with me if you want.”

My body trembled, I was ready to puke all over again. I wanted to run, I didn’t even know where I wanted to run, but running never got me anywhere. Running still made it hurt.

I wanted to lose myself.

“How about…” I gripped her hand. “…we hang out for a bit and then we’ll decide when the riding takes place?”

Her eyes briefly widened and then her mouth dropped open as a hiss of air escaped. “Sounds… good. Real good.”