When Mum comes in asking if I’ve seen The Kaiser anywhere, I’m still sitting in the dark, in silence, waiting for the sound of Jay’s car driving off. If I’m honest, I know this behaviour is a bit disturbing, but they’ve been sitting in his car for ten minutes now and every second that passes, my mood darkens. Tonight’s events and the way I’m responding to them is scaring me.

Mum asks me why I’m sitting with the light off and I shrug, ears straining as I think I hear an engine firing up.

“Aaron, you know it’s this kind of behaviour that worries a mother.” She sits on the bed and I hear a car pull away, the engine rattling. They’ve gone.

I look at Mum. I can’t tell her the whole story, but… “I found out who the father is.”

HANNAH

It was always going to be a night to remember. Robert’s cash plus Jay’s mates equals a pretty awesome party: a marquee in the garden and a ton of pre-uni hotness in our house? Yes, please. It took a bit of persuading to be allowed to stay whilst the rest of them went to Robert’s parents for the night, but Jay’s promise to keep an eye on me sealed the deal.

Jay had said Katie could come too and she arrived early that afternoon. We spent far too long messing about getting ready so that by the time we came downstairs loads of Jay’s mates had arrived. I’m not going to lie. I was on the prowl. A summer of flirting with Tyrone and learning how to make a guy lose control had given me confidence. There was this boy, Dion, from Jay’s year that I had a massive crush on, but I was willing to wait and spent an hour or so with Katie, playing the field — well, the sitting room — before I left her to it and headed for the kitchen.

Dion was there. I knew he’d clocked me already since there’d been some good glances going on, and it was easy to flirt with him once I got him alone. Until someone came into the kitchen.

“Han?”

I look up from the counter where I’m leaning on strategically folded arms. Jay does not look happy.

“Jay! Dude!” Dion swings round in one of those power whole-arm-handshake gestures, but as Jay shakes his hand he’s staring at me. I stop leaning on the counter and hug my bottle instead.

“Chatting up my little sister, are you, Dion?” he asks, all innocent. I want to punch him.

“Little…?” Dion looks at me in horror, then at Jay. “You’re Hannah as in…? I didn’t recognize her — you…” He has no idea who he should be talking to. “Look. I’ve got to, um… See you around.”

Running would be a pretty accurate description of how he leaves the room.

I do punch Jay. On the arm. Perfect nerve strike.

“Ow.” He rubs his arm, but grins at me. “Dion’s got a girlfriend, Han. I’m just looking out for you.”

Oh.

I huff out, but as I pass I hear Jay say, “Nice outfit.” And I smile to myself, forgiving him.

Katie was tongue-deep in some guy’s face in the corner of the sitting room and it didn’t take long for me to grow bored of eavesdropping on other people’s conversations. A change of scene was in order. The marquee was calling and I was in the mood for dancing — and getting noticed. It’s all about inhibitions and, let’s face it, I don’t really have any of those. I slipped in amongst the groups that were already on the dancefloor and it wasn’t long before a cute guy started matching my moves. Just as I brought my arms around the boy dancing with me, I felt a pair of hands on my waist pulling me gently back. I didn’t mind. Hands on waist is never a bad sign and these hands felt good. They didn’t seem shy of touching me.

When the hands spun me round I realized why.

Grinning, Jay leaned in and told me he’d put in a request. As the music changed, I burst out laughing at the opening chords of “our” song, the one we invented a dance to, that we performed at Mum and Robert’s wedding after hours spent practising in the front room — Jay was convinced he could teach me how to do the “running man”, despite not having a clue himself. There and then, without thinking, the pair of us automatically stepped into formation, a circle clearing around us as we put on a step-perfect performance, the pair of us laughing so hard we could barely breathe.

And I felt special. I never feel special. Not really. I don’t think many people do. It takes a lot of self-confidence to think that someone you really rate might think you’re all right. It takes a leap of faith to believe it. But sometimes, someone is awesome enough to take the time to make you feel that way. I knew everyone was laughing as we moved like malfunctioning robots, but the only person who mattered to me was Jay. The same way it’s always been, one way or another.

The night passed. I chatted to and danced with a million different people, buzzing so hard that I was one of the last to bed, hunting around for Katie amongst the bodies sprawled on the sofas and in the spare room. But she wasn’t anywhere to be seen… until I opened my bedroom door.

No one had bothered to shut the curtains and in the moonlight I saw one guy passed out face down on my bed. But it was the floor show that caught me off guard. I didn’t recognize the boy, but he sounded very pleased with what was happening — my best mate bouncing around on him like a space hopper, her back to me. I shut the door as fast as I could, but I couldn’t help hearing Katie start to make some weird little squeaking noises. Grim.

I could have knocked on the door, given them a chance to sort themselves out before I went in and reclaimed my room. Instead I went up the stairs to Jay’s space in the loft.

“Jay, it’s Hannah,” I say, opening the door a little bit.

“Hey, Han, you OK?” Waving me in, he sits up, bare chest and bleary beer-drenched eyes.

“Katie’s with some guy in my room.” I sit on the bed next to him.

“There’s a surprise,” Jay says. “Want to stay in here?”

“Uh-huh.” I get off the bed and curl up on the bean bag, but there’s a draft. I wriggle around and pull Jay’s T-shirt off the floor and over my feet. I’m aware I’m making a lot of noise. There’s a reason for that…

Jay sits up again. “You OK over there?”

“Cold. Got any bedding spare?”

But I know he hasn’t and I watch as he shuffles over and lifts up the duvet for me to climb in. “Or you can lie there and run the risk of me killing you for fidgeting too much.”

I clamber in, enjoying the warmth of his mattress and the smell of him close by as I snuggle into his duvet. Sleep isn’t exactly there waiting for me. I’m hyper-aware of Jay’s body on the other side of the bed. It’s like I can feel every breath. I half roll over to look at him. His eyes are closed.

I wriggle, trying to get comfortable but I’m not. I feel all tingly and excited. This is stupid. This is Jay. I squeeze my eyes shut and concentrate on the idea of falling asleep.

“Han?”

“Yeah?” I don’t look round.

“You’re a really heavy breather.”

“Thanks!” I smile into the pillow.

There’s silence again, but I’m even less sleepy than I was to start with.

Jay shuffles about behind me until I feel his breath on the back of my neck. All I can think about is that whisper of air on my skin. There’s movement and I feel an arm reach round to cuddle me. Gently, I lay my hand over his. Jay goes very still, like he’s waiting for something. Slowly, uncertainly, I slide my fingers between his and gently guide his hand under my top and onto the skin of my tummy.

I breathe out.

This should be weird. But it really, really isn’t.

Jay’s body is close to mine. I can feel the heat on my back, his legs as they curl into the curve made by mine. Gradually, I find that I’m leaning back, pushing myself into him. The hand under my top strokes very, very gentle fingers over my skin.

The breath on my neck gets warmer and I feel lips on my skin. Feather-light and cool-yet-hot. Jay kisses my neck once, then again, gently around onto my shoulder. He lifts himself up and I turn around to look at him.

We’re silent as we look at each other, letting our eyes do the talking. Then we’re kissing. I’ve never been kissed like this. It’s the sexiest thing that’s ever happened to me. I swell up with need as the kissing swallows me whole.

The hand under my top pulls me round until he’s lying on top of me. Somehow, between the kissing on the lips and the neck and the shoulders, he takes off my top and I wriggle out of my skirt until we’re there in our underwear, skin on skin, as we stroke and kiss each other. I can feel him pressing against me through his boxers and my hand is sliding down…

As Jay shudders, I can feel it echoing in my own body. He’s running the back of his nails down the skin on my tummy, edging up the elastic on my pants as I tense up, knowing what happens next and not knowing all at once. Where is this going? Because this isn’t just some guy I’ve known for a few hours, a few days, a few weeks — this is Jay.

And there are very different rules for Jay. I think.

Our pants come off pretty quickly. As does my bra.

His fingers trace over every inch of my body, over my breasts, my sides and back up to my face. And then he stops and holds my face in his fingertips and looks me in the eye.

“Has anyone ever told you how gorgeous you are?”

I don’t say anything.

“You’re something special, Hannah.” He sweeps forward and kisses me on the forehead. Jay pushes me back on the bed and kisses me, his tongue pushing right into my mouth, before working his way down my body, and down and down and…

Oh. My. God.

I’m in a world of awesome as Jay leans over to get a condom out of his bedside drawer and pulls it on. As he pushes into me there’s a hiss of breath from both of us and it’s uncomfortable for a second, but then I find I’m trying to burrow into him, pushing back just as hard, kissing whatever bit of skin that comes close, my hands gripping his back, his shoulders, his bum… I’m not thinking about what I’m doing, I’m not trying to be good, not trying to think like he’s going to mark me out of ten. I’m just there, in it, feeling it, wanting it so much and then more and more and…

It’s over too soon. It wouldn’t have lasted long enough if it had lasted all night. I just want more of him than there is.

When he pulls out I deflate.

We curl up on our sides, our foreheads touching, a hand resting on the other’s body as we kiss and smile at each other, eyes lit up. There isn’t much talking. Mostly smiling, kissing, stroking. I feel a bit stiff — bruised almost, although it lessens as my heartbeat slows to something like normal. After a while, I slide my hand down his body. Then I slide down to join it. Jay doesn’t take much persuading when I come back up.

“I’m good to go if you are?” he says, running his hand across my thigh and chuckling as I sigh and roll my eyes back. I did not mean to do that, but it’s not like I have much control here. Around him I don’t need it.

Jay scrambles over me and opens his drawer.

“Shit.” He grabs his wallet open. “Fuck.”

“Yeah — that’s what I’m waiting for.”

“No condoms.”

This would be the point where I’d have some in my handbag or my pocket or my bra. Only I don’t. Jay climbs back next to me, frowning.

“Never mind,” I say. “You don’t need condoms to do this.” My hand goes straight down and I start again, kissing his neck until he relaxes. Soon we’re fooling around, kissing, stroking… and it feels good. This is enough, I tell myself firmly. This is totally enough.

But tomorrow Jay will pack up and leave for university. There’ll be no sneaking off to do this some other time unless I manage to go and visit him, but I can’t see that happening. There’s always the hope that Jay will come home one weekend but…

It feels so good to be this close to him. Why do I want more than this?

“We could…” I start to say, then stop. Jay stops what he’s doing, but I shake my head. “Don’t stop.”

He starts up again. It feels amazing. I close my eyes and shuffle down until I can feel him hard against me, then I slip up and under and around until he’s almost…

“Hannah.” Jay pulls away, but I shift so he’s trapped and I look him in the eye.

“I’m clean, I promise.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” Jay says. “Tell me you’re on the pill or something.”

I nearly do. I so want that to be the truth.