Cristiane Serruya - Trust: Betrayed

“But...” She frowned and looked at him, “addiction is characterized by a, uh, impairment in behavioral control. It’s a deep craving. Something that takes away your ability to resist to what you are addicted. And it diminishes your capacity to recognize significant problems affecting one’s behavior and relationships.”

“You’ve just described the Alistair Connor before Sophia.”

“BSDM is-” Alistair opened his mouth to correct her but she waved it away. “Whatever. It’s considered a deviant sex practice and grounds for a sexual disorder diagnosis. It’s a crime.”

He raised his brows at her fierce accusation. “I think this is largely cultural. BDSM is certainly not everyone’s cup of tea, but I think it is unnecessarily vilified and made to seem more pathological than it really is. It defies conventional attitudes about the place of sex in relationships. BDSM is not only about sex or its intensity; It’s more of a lifestyle.”

“Are you telling me it’s acceptable? Oh, for God’s sake, Alistair Connor!”

He tilted his head to the side for a moment, looking for words. “Listen, before you give me your opinion. BDSM sex is unapologetic sex concerned with generating intense sensual experiences; it is sex for pleasure-”

“You have a strange definition of what is pleasurable,” she sneered.

Right. His lips quirked up amused for a split second.

“I’m a lawyer with experience in this field. You’re not going to convince me. The problem with this kind of sex is that the participants keep pushing the limits, they need stronger emotions after each step taken.”

You’re not so wrong. He looked away from her face. “It isn’t like this for everyone. You’re generalizing.”

“I had a case-”

“Sophia. I can bet that in this case, the guy was an abuser. He was probably a pseudo-dominant who was using his power over his submissive to mask an abusive relationship.”

“So, you are-”

He put a finger on her lips. “There is a considerable distinction between a dominant and an abuser. However in my case... you are right. It was an addiction. Heather couldn’t stop thinking about BDSM sex. And, to tell you the truth, when I tried to cut it back, when I tried to stop... I couldn’t. It was just as powerful and destructive as any other addiction.”

She was silent, waiting for his outburst she felt was coming.

“I started to be secretive about my relationship with her. There wasn’t intimacy, communication or trust between us anymore. I lost my friends and our relationship started to become troubled. I tried to justify my actions and when I couldn’t, I... abandoned myself. I lost touch with reality. I ignored my feelings.” His lips thinned and then the corners came down. “I felt guilty because she was always complaining that she felt rejected, that I wasn’t the same, or so she told me. She started to lie and keep secrets from me. When I discovered she’d cheated on me, I felt ashamed and a failure. She...”

“She abused you,” Sophia stated. “It was a relationship marked by abuse.”

“Aye. She did. But, normally, these relationships are not always about whips and pain. Without the power play and the pathological side, BDSM is something much more delicate and sexually sublime. You just have to tell me. You are more important to me than anything.”

I can’t falter. I can’t falter. She didn’t answer, turning her profile to him.

Fuck! Don’t do this to me, Sophia. I can’t live without you. “Look at me, Sophia.” She didn’t turn her head. He curled his fingers under her chin. “Please.”

Slowly, ever so slowly, she looked at him. “Don’t push me. We have unresolved issues and...” So many things we’ve never talked about. “I don’t really mind gentle slaps or some bondage, however... I believe sex should never involve pain or humiliation of the partner. That’s abuse.”

He closed his eyes for a brief moment and whispered, “I agree.”

“I’ve researched and-”

“Sophia, I know you can’t really understand what I had with Heather. You can’t understand what losing Nathalie... in that horrendous way, did to me. I can tell you that it screwed with the little good that was left inside me. I became an abuser too. And I almost crossed the line with you too. I guess that Heather was the worst partner to be in this kind of relationship.” He sighed. “I tried to push you away when I realized that I was falling for you. I was afraid of loving again. Afraid that you might not return my strong feelings. I can’t live without you. I thought that I could walk away, but I can’t. I tried to convince myself that you’d be better off, if I weren’t a part of your life. But I can’t be so altruistic.”

She didn’t know how to respond, but her cold resolution melted at the obvious pain in his voice and the sincere look he gave her. His ready admittance that he had flaws, softened her resolve to say no.

“I want our relationship to be based on desire, pleasure and exultation. I don’t want it tarnished by disgust, guilt or torment. I have thought a lot. I’m sure it can be sensuous and enjoyable without the things you don’t like. I- You know that I’m an alpha. It’s just my personality. I need the control. I need to be in charge.”

Sophia was startled by his honesty. Warily, she said, “That’s what I’m saying. I cannot abide-”

He put a finger on her lips. “You’re not listening. I’m not talking about sex, about BDSM. Let’s forget about this label and let me put it in other words. There is one thing I can’t change about myself. I’m a leader. In every way. This is all about attitude.” He smiled down at her, pleading with his eyes. “Can you accept me as I am? A domineering caveman?”

I can and I do. Give me a few days, and I will say yes! I just can’t answer you right now. I don’t want you to know. She looked down avoiding answering him.

“Mo chridhe?”

How can I resist his charm? A small smile graced her lips and some of her sadness seeped away. She breathed more freely and his smell hit her fully. Sweet Vanille and hot Alistair Connor. The perfect combination.

She missed him. A lot.

“Answer me, Sophia. Can you accept me as I am? Do you love me?”

Oh, Christ! What did I do to deserve this stubborn wee lass? He almost smiled because it was written all over her face that she loved him. He raised his head and the hunger that flared in his eyes made heat pool in her belly.

I can’t, Alistair Connor, don’t push me. “I’m not the right woman for you.” Well, I am. But I need a few days.

“I think I should be the judge of that.” His thumb began to stroke the column of her neck and his gaze went to her mouth.

His heart stopped as he waited for her answer.

I do. She couldn’t confess. She was too frightened of what would happen if she did. “I’m sorry, Alistair Connor. My answer is still no,” she informed him firmly, finding strength from deep within. “I don’t believe in great changes. You are who you are. I am who I am.” Her head dropped and her hair curtained her face.

All right, Sophia.You have earned a few hours. He contained his impatience. “Sophia, you are an intelligent woman. I’ll email you some links for you to read about healthy kinky sex. And I expect you to do your homework.”

“Please, give me some space. Please,” she whispered, barely holding herself together. All she wanted to do was throw herself into his arms and confess that she loved him.

“I will not go away, Sophia. I will not let you out of my sight. You are mine, do you understand? Mine.” Irritation ran under his smooth tones. He was angry with himself for not being able to convince her. And with her, for not giving in to the feelings that were begging to be freed. “Woman, you would try the patience of a saint.”

“You, as you have told me time and again,” she declared with a sneer, “are no saint, my lord.”

“A point you would do well to bear in mind. I’m not so easily discouraged, Sophia. Do you think you are going to dispatch me this easily? You are entirely wrong. I’m staying in the suite at the end of the corridor.”

“I am not dispatch-” Oh, Alistair Connor.

You love me. I can see that. Why are you keep me at bay? “I will see you at lunch. And you’d better eat. I don’t like a skinny woman.” Alistair had run out of patience. He needed to leave her before he threw her over his shoulder, locked her in his room and made love to her until she said yes. He walked away from her, fisting his hands to control his desire to hold her in his arms. Pausing in the middle of the room, he looked over his shoulder, “At least, Gabriela missed me.”

When he reached the door, Sophia whispered, “You’re a heartless, ruthless manipulator.”

He looked back over his shoulder and smiled triumphantly at her, “I always knew that was one of my finest qualities.”

She had planned to feign coldness and send him away before he could see how much she had missed him.

But Sophia knew she could not; would not.

She could not pretend to be impervious to the love she saw shining in his eyes. She would not.

For reasons only God knows she had changed something inside him.

And he had changed something inside her too.

At the indoor pool of the hotel spa.

5.03 p.m.

A huge pane of glass, which separated the indoor from the outdoor section of the pool, let in the afternoon light as Alistair struggled for a rhythm, lap after lap. The automatic movements that always helped him empty his mind, that had always freed him from the memories that tormented him, were useless against the good memories flooding his mind. Even the water around him felt like Sophia’s smooth hands when she caressed his body under the shower.

The pool was too small to allow him the necessary tiredness. But that wasn’t all. He couldn’t get Sophia out of his head. He had noticed something strange in her. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. A resignation that didn’t bode well. At least, not for his plans.

He dived under the separation to emerge on the outside and appreciate the outstanding view of the Patagonian landscape.

On the terrace surrounding the outdoor pool.

5.13 p.m.

Edward feigned horror and put his hand over his mouth. “So, now you know what I meant before, dominatrix.”

Sophia tenderly pushed a blond lock back from Edward’s forehead, running her fingers in his hair, feeling the silky touch of it on her fingers and tugged the ends, frowning teasingly at him, “I’m going to whip your hide everyday from now on, Edward.”

“Ah, mistress, you already do,” he mocked.

“Maybe I have to do it harder then,” she tugged his hair harder and then let it go, her nails grazing his nape. She sighed. “How can I be a dominatrix if he is a... dominant? A manipulator? A tyrant?”

“As if you weren’t as well, Sophia.” Edward smiled at her, “Well, I’ll partially agree with you. He is a consummate manipulator.”

Sophia’s lips twitched. “I was wondering whether you’d noticed.”

Sophia and Edward stopped their conversation, as Felipe approached, saying, “That jacuzzi looks good. Are you coming?” As Sophia shook her head, he took a seat beside her, looking at the steamy Jacuzzi with longing. “Have you decided to accept his proposal?”

Sophia sighed. “My answer is still no.”

“Let me tell you, Felipe,” Edward’s smile was impossibly naughty, “there’s precious little point in her trying to resist. Even if she weren’t already snared, he will do everything and anything he can to have her.”

“I’ve noticed that too.” Felipe chuckled as Sophia’s eyes rolled heavenward.

“Neither you, Sophia, nor Gabriela are able to resist his charms. You called him a tyrant. I don’t doubt he is,” Edward said, “but that’s probably just as well. You need someone to put you in your place. Now, if he wants to don his leather outfit and wield his whip to do it, that’s even better.” He put a hand over his heart and wiggled his eyebrows at her. “Get the picture?”

Sophia gasped indignant.

Edward laughed as did Felipe, not knowing that Edward’s teasing spoke of truth.

“You are impossible, Edward. This is serious.”

“We are serious, Sis. No one, not even powerful Gabriel Leibowitz was able to completely dominate you. It wouldn’t be so bad if Alistair put you in your place, sometimes.”