Vivian Arend - Turn It Up

Searching for the strength to acknowledge love had snuck in.

Tasha waited until they were back in their apartment before she pulled him to the bedroom. She made him sit, then crawled on top of him to shower him with mad kisses.

He cupped her face in his hands, slowing her down. Taking the time to answer her with long, wet kisses that turned the racing beat in her nerves into a racing pulse in her core. Then he dropped his forehead against hers and spoke quietly, and her heart overflowed.

“Oh my God, Tasha, that was the most incredible moment of my life, seeing our little girl.” His hands swept down to cradle her belly and his body shuddered as he took in a deep breath. “I know it doesn’t make any sense to some people, but I’ve truly wanted this forever. I’ve wanted to have a family of my own, with children and a lover to share my life.

“When we arranged this, with that prenatal agreement, I told you I’d always be there for this baby. I said this relationship between us was a choice. That’s still true. It was, and I think being together is the best thing possible for us both. But I have to tell you something. When I agreed to this situation, I didn’t tell you everything.”

One finger lifted her chin until their eyes met. He stared at her, his pupils dark with the depth of his emotion. “I love you.”

She held back her tears. Every word he spoke rushed in and chipped away another piece of the wall she’d built around her heart. Tasha lifted her fingers to his mouth.

He kissed them softly before continuing, his voice growing stronger as he spoke. “I know you said you didn’t love me and that’s okay, but I can’t hide this anymore. I’m going to care for you with everything I’ve got and that means telling you the truth.”

My God. Her throat tightened. Involuntarily, her old self-defense mechanisms kicked in. “You’re in love with the baby, with the idea of family—”

“This isn’t just about the baby, although I do love her. Holy fuck, we’re having a girl…” His voice broke and she laughed through the tears falling from her own eyes.

“You need to stop swearing before that little girl arrives.”

He nodded, his lips pressed together. He kissed her again, tilting his head to briefly catch her mouth with his. “I love you. I do. Nothing’s going to change that. If you still need time, that’s fine. But I’ve got to stop hiding how I feel. I don’t expect anything from you except to give me a chance to prove it.”

Fear that now he’d actually said the words he’d lose the feeling rocked her. She beat it down, refusing to let her apprehension immobilize her like it had before. This wasn’t about her past, it was about her future. She had to move forward.

Be honest. Be upfront.

“I’m scared.”

He frowned. “Of what?”

“That you’ll leave me. That now you’ve admitted you love me, I’ll do something wrong and you’ll decide it’s not worth the time and the energy. That I’m not worth it.”

“Oh God, Tasha.” He slipped one hand up around the back of her neck and cradled her tighter against him, the roundness of her belly pressing his torso. He rocked her like a baby, squeezing her close and for the first time she could remember, she let the tears fall. For the relationships that had gone sour. For the family who had turned their back on her. She’d stood on her own for so long that there was never an appropriate time for her to weep and mourn for what she didn’t have in her life. She’d pushed aside the hurt and gone forward.

Only now she saw she’d simply been dragging the pain behind her.

She clung to him for the longest time, and he held her, letting her cry it out until there was nothing left to cry. Hiccups hit, and then the giggles as he soothed her. He rubbed her back, offered her tissues, walked her to the washroom and wet down a facecloth and wiped her eyes.

She grabbed a cloth and soaked it, tugging him closer and washing his face as well. With every touch she tried to show how much it meant to be able to trust him. How much she needed to have this become more than how they’d started.

When she finally felt human again, they ended up back on the bed, fingers tangled together as they lay side by side.

Letting go of the hurt brought both relief and regret. She didn’t want to make this a day filled with bitter memories, but it seemed the emotional dam had burst and there was no way to stop the flood. She picked her pains carefully, trying to not to lay blame, but explain why her fears haunted her.

She stared into his eyes as she forced herself to speak. Watching his response—she wasn’t sure it helped or made it more difficult to see his expression change as she shared.

“Every single time I’ve realized I loved a person, something has happened. The situation would change, and suddenly they would be gone. Or they would expect me to change, and when I didn’t meet their expectations, it would be my fault, and the end result would be the same—I would be alone again.”

He touched her cheek tenderly. “You’re not responsible for other’s actions.”

She sniffed. “I know it in my head, but convincing my heart is a whole lot harder. I’ve read a million self-help books about how my father leaving my mother had nothing to do with me, but it still hurts.”

Max nodded slowly. “And now you’re worried I’ll fall out of love with you? Is that why you’ve been running hot and cold on me? One minute you enjoy my attention, the next you put up barriers?”

Tasha breathed in slowly, fighting to stop the air from stuttering en route into her lungs. “Again, my brain trusts you, but I’m still scared. What if I don’t get back my body after the baby arrives—will you still want to be with me? What if I’m too tired taking care of the little one to be interested in sex? I can’t imagine you ever turning to another, you’re not the type to cheat, but—”

The words stuck in her throat. Picturing Max in the arms of another woman was enough to make her sick to her stomach.

“Shh. Don’t do that to yourself.” He pulled her against his chest, his chin resting on top of her head. The warmth of his body wrapped around her, the tenderness in his words cradled her heart. “I love you. I love you, not someone you think you need to be for me. I can’t erase your fears. I wish to God I could.”

Tasha talked on. Just long enough for her to share a few more of the things she’d held in tight. It wasn’t like Max offered any instant fix. He didn’t have any magical words to share that washed away the past. But he listened, and the expression on his face said he cared. Cared deeply. His few words were comforting, loving. Exactly what she needed to hear.

When she’d let the last drop escape, they both lay quietly for a while. A tranquil peacefulness surrounded them, like the calm after the storm. He pulled one hand free and smoothed her hair back. “Are you going to be okay?”

She nodded quickly, not wanting the tears to return before she had a chance to finish. It took three tries and a couple throat clearings to be able to force the words out.

“You know that prenatal agreement? Can I change my mind about one detail?”

He teased lightly. “You want to add something about me groveling at your feet on a daily basis?”

She hit him, then returned his smile. “Max, I’m still scared, but I’d…” A deep breath in to steady her nerves. This was what she wanted. It was what she needed. “I’d like to let myself fall in love with you.”

A sparkle of amusement flashed in his eyes. “That sounds like work.”

Damn. “I didn’t mean it that way.”

He laughed as he slid his hand down her body until it rested on her belly. He didn’t look away from her, keeping her captivated by the longing reflected in his face. “I want you to trust me. I want you to love me.”

“It’s hard. To let go of the past.”

Max nodded slowly, his hand massaging in gentle circles over her belly. His words came quietly. “This baby has done nothing, and yet I love her. Try to remember that.”

She nodded. He kissed her and made as if to sit up. Tasha gripped him by the T-shirt. This wasn’t how she wanted this to end, this whole emotional rollercoaster. It needed one thing to come to completion.

She pulled him back to the bed and made love to him.

Softly. Slowly. Getting him to help when she asked, but taking the reins as often as she could. He stripped off his shirt when she tugged it free of his pants. Once she’d undone his zipper and pressed the top of his pants open, he wiggled out of them, turning to help remove her clothing. Tongues touched, dancing together as they kissed. The salty tang of tears blended together with the passion rising between them as she stroked his shaft in one hand, the fingers of her other hand locked in the hair at the back of his neck. She nibbled on his lips, kissed her way down his neck. Licked his nipples and the muscles crossing his abdomen. When she laved the broad head of his erection, he shuddered, his hands skipping momentarily from where they’d been floating lazily over her skin.

Tasha covered him with her mouth and pressed down, getting him wet, holding the rest of his length in her fist as she moved over him. She wanted to give to him, care for him like he’d been caring for her. It was a lame attempt, because no matter how good it might feel physically, there was no way she could possibly match what had built inside her emotionally.

He pulled her off far sooner than she wanted, arranging her over his thighs.

“I need you,” he whispered.

The room hushed around them—no music, no sounds of nature. Just them, and their breathing and, as she lifted her hips and reached down to try to guide him into her body, their laughter.

“I can’t reach,” she admitted sheepishly. Her belly wasn’t that big, but the angle was enough to hinder her attempt.

Maxwell sat up and adjusted himself, the wet head of his cock slipping between her folds so smoothly. She took him deep and sat still, savoring the moment. Her hands rested on his shoulders, her fingers playing over the firm muscles.

He lifted her head, and there was a light in his eyes—blinding. Brilliant. Full of joy and something else. He spoke against her lips.

“This is part of love.”

Pleasure danced as he lifted and lowered her hips carefully. Each time his erection pierced her body it sent new sensations singing through her, and all the while he whispered to her. Soft love words. He told her they were all the things he’d been saving up over the past months. All the things he’d been longing to tell her. Her heart expanded to the point she would soon have no room to draw a breath. And when they reached a climax together, there was a moment she swore she heard all three of their heartbeats.

Tasha’s stomach was going to ache for the rest of the day from laughing so hard.

“And then there was the time—”

Tasha held up a hand in an attempt to restrain her sister-in-law’s enthusiasm. “Maxy, you’ve got to stop. Your brother is going to kill you for giving me all this dirt on him.”

Maxine waved a hand and took a sip of her coffee. “He knew it was going to come out eventually. You need the background when you want to tease him down the road. Or tease your kids about how much like their father they are.”

Her heart thumped out a rapid beat at the thought of a whole family with Maxwell. She hid her smile in her teacup. The demons of doubt were still there, rattling at her mind, but she’d promised herself to try to trust. Try to maintain a positive attitude toward their relationship, and so far, it was working. Still, it had only been a few days—it wasn’t going to be easy to put aside years of apprehension so quickly.

She glanced up at Maxwell’s sister, grinning at the shining expression on her face. It was much easier to remain positive when she was around someone like Maxy, who seemed to take on everything with a wholehearted blur of excitement. All that shared energy had to be either invigorating or positively nauseating.

Today, Tasha was going for the energizing side of the equation.

“Tasha, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.” She leaned back in the chair, and a strange sense of déjà vu stole over her. They were back at the Sugar Shack—the same shop where Maxwell had first proposed to her. With her belly swelling before her, she felt a whole lot better this time round than the last.

“When did you move out on your own?” Maxine asked.