Trisha Ashley - Twelve Days of Christmas

‘Don’t be silly, he must take me right up to the house,’ Coco insisted. ‘You can walk if you want to.’

‘I’ll take you home gladly, Holly — but I’ve two sheep in the back now, and the dog’s in the front, so I’ve no room for another passenger.’ He raised a fair eyebrow at Coco. ‘You’ll have to wait and see if Guy will fetch you, unless you want to try asking young Ben — he went into the public bar.’

‘Young Ben?’

‘From Weasel’s Pot.’

‘What is this weasel’s pot you all keep rabbiting on about?’ she said irritably.

‘The farm you passed after turning off the main road,’ I told her. ‘They have the council contract to plough the lane up to the village, and George here ploughs the lane down.’

‘That’s right, and you can ask Ben about towing your car out too, while you’re at it,’ George suggested.

‘Look, I’m in a hurry, so you get a lift up with this Ben, and tell him to get my car out for me,’ Coco said to me. Then she indicated her case to George, clearly expecting him to pick it up. ‘Right, I’m ready — but you’ll have to put the dog in the back.’

‘Sorry, no can do,’ he said, not looking sorry at all. ‘And I didn’t offer you a lift in the first place. I’m none too keen on that perfume you’re wearing and if it makes my Land Rover reek of musk, it’ll unsettle the dogs. They squeeze it out of weasel glands, you know.’

She stared at him. ‘Rubbish! This perfume is very, very expensive and they wouldn’t use something like that!’

‘Isn’t it musk rat glands?’ I said. ‘That sounds more likely.’

‘Happen you’re right,’ he conceded.

‘There’s an old Lancashire saying about weasels,’ piped Auld Nicholas and then declaimed in a thin, singsong voice: ‘“If you see a weasel, pee in its ear. If you see another, tie its bum up with string.”’

‘What on earth does that mean?’ demanded Coco.

‘No idea,’ Nicholas said. ‘Hee, hee!’

‘Senile!’ she muttered and, abandoning him, turned a sweetly seductive smile on George. ‘Please do take me up to the house — I’m so cold and tired! I can pay you for your trouble, you know.’

‘I’ve told you already, try your wiles on young Ben, you’ll get nowhere with me,’ he said shortly and she furiously flounced out in the direction of the public bar.

‘Let’s hope you get rid of her and Guy tonight,’ George said, helping me out to the Land Rover with my million and one purchases. ‘If not, she won’t be driving that sports car home, because nothing short of a four-wheel drive will make it down to the main road by morning.’

‘But Guy’s got one of those, you said? So I suppose he’ll drive them back tonight and arrange something later about her car,’ I suggested hopefully.

The sheepdog obligingly made room for me on the bench seat and we set off, George refusing to stop until he’d taken me right to the front door, where we found a large people-carrier still steaming gently: Guy had arrived.

I staggered in with my shopping and found all the family in the sitting room, which someone had now artistically festooned with swags and swathes of artificial greenery, mixed with the real thing that George had brought.

Tilda was sitting in her usual place on the sofa before the fire, Merlin fast asleep on the rug at her feet, while Noël, Becca and Jess were putting final touches to the Christmas tree.

A tall, dark, thin and very handsome man was leaning on the stone mantelpiece watching the proceedings and I would have easily recognised him as Guy from the family photos, even if I hadn’t expected to see him.

As I came in and put down the heavy bags I thought the room looked like a stage set, especially the way they all turned to look at me as if they’d been given a cue. Merlin hauled himself to his feet and ambled over, tail wagging furiously.

‘Ah, Holly, there you are! We’ve had an unexpected addition to the family party,’ Noël said gaily. ‘This is Guy, Jude’s younger brother.’

‘How do you do?’ he said, with a charming smile, shaking hands. ‘I’ve been hearing all about you!’

‘That sounds ominous,’ I said, bending down to stroke Merlin. ‘Actually, I knew you were here because I just ran into your—’

‘Have you got anything for me in that shopping bag?’ interrupted Jess.

‘Yes, some chocolate tree decorations.’ I rummaged in the hessian bag and found them.

‘Oh good, we hadn’t got any of those and Uncle Guy didn’t think to bring anything at all.’

‘I didn’t think I’d need to, because I expected to find that couple here Jude usually hires when he’s away. And since I knew they’d already invited Tilda, Noël, Becca and Jess for Christmas dinner, I thought one more wouldn’t make any difference.’

‘And you knew Uncle Jude wasn’t here to throw you out on your ear,’ Jess said. ‘You were sneaky and mean, going off with his girlfriend, even if I didn’t like her much!’

‘Neither do I now, that’s why I’m here,’ he drawled, not noticeably put out by this criticism.

‘Jess, that was very rude of you,’ Tilda said.

‘What the child said was true, though: you’ve always wanted what your brother had, from being a child. Then as soon as you got it, you lost interest,’ Becca said bluntly. ‘And you had a damned cheek, thinking you could just move in here while he was away and be looked after by the couple house-sitting.’

Guy reddened. ‘Part of the reason I came was because I was worried about Noël and Tilda, left to cope on their own. It was thoughtless of old Jude to cancel Christmas and go off in a huff.’

‘He was going to New York anyway and we told him not to bother about us — we could manage on our own. In fact, I was quite looking forward to cooking a Christmas dinner again,’ said Tilda, ‘and I would have done, if I hadn’t had that damned fall.’

‘I know you would have cooked a wonderful dinner, m’dear,’ Noël said soothingly. ‘But we’re quite happy to be back at the old homestead again now, with Holly in charge, aren’t we?’

‘I could see that’s what everyone wanted and I wouldn’t stand in your way,’ she said, casting herself into a martyr’s role with relish, though she’d clearly been more than relieved to be whisked up here and looked after. ‘You behaved very badly, Guy, so we could quite understand why Jude felt like a change this year and wanted to get away — especially when he found out about that engagement announcement.’

‘Yes, that’s all very well, but Jude is the head of the household now and he has responsibilities, like seeing Old Nan and Richard are looked after,’ Becca pointed out, shaking her head. ‘He didn’t need to invite Guy and that girl, so there would have been no problem.’

‘Never mind: thanks to lovely Holly here, it has all worked out well,’ Noël said, ‘and Jude will be back for Twelfth Night, which is the most important thing.’

‘You still haven’t told us why you’ve dashed up here, Guy,’ Tilda said. ‘Didn’t you tell us last week that you were spending Christmas in London with that girl?’ She frowned. ‘What was she called? It was something to do with clowns.’

‘Coco,’ said Jess. ‘Like a bedtime drink. Though it would have been much worse if she’d been called Horlicks, wouldn’t it?’ she added innocently.

‘Different spelling of Coco, I expect, like Coco Chanel,’ I said quickly. ‘And speaking of Coco—’

‘I think Horlicks suits her. I’m going to call her that from now on,’ Jess broke in gleefully.

‘I would so much rather you didn’t, darling,’ Tilda said.

Guy was grinning. ‘Don’t be a spoilsport, Tilda! But luckily you won’t have to call her anything, Jess, because she isn’t here. She never really took to Old Place last Christmas anyway, she’s more of a town girl, our Coco.’

‘I suppose you got tired of her, like all your other girls?’ Tilda said, with a slight note of indulgence. Guy seemed to be a bit of a favourite of hers, though Becca didn’t seem too keen. I suppose all that charm can’t have the same effect on everybody.

‘Let’s just say I had a wake-up call,’ he admitted. ‘Things got a bit rocky when she fired off that engagement announcement to the papers — and then when she told me her parents were organising a big family engagement party on Boxing Day I thought, “no thank you” and bailed out.’ He shrugged. ‘I’m not ready to tie myself down yet.’

‘As I said,’ Becca observed dispassionately, ‘as soon as you get the prize, you lose interest.’

‘Thanks for that quick character analysis, Becca. But actually, she was so easy to poach that I did Jude a favour. If they’d got married, it would never have lasted.’

He gave me a delightful smile — he seemed distinctly profligate with them. ‘But I’d much rather be here in the bosom of my family instead. You don’t mind if I stay, do you, Holly? You wouldn’t throw me out into the cold, cold snow?’ he wheedled.

He was a bounder, as they would have said in the twenties, as beautiful and untrustworthy as a snake. If he took after his Uncle Ned, then I could understand how poor, innocent, strictly-brought-up Granny had been so quickly swept quite out of her depth!

I looked helplessly at Noël and Tilda. ‘I. . well, everything is snowballing! I only came here to keep an eye on the house and look after the animals — and then suddenly I’m holding a house-party without the owner’s permission! And I couldn’t get him on the phone either, though I did try.’

‘Oh, but Jude won’t object, I assure you,’ Noël said. ‘The dear fellow will understand.’

‘I’m not sure he will, Noël, because Mr Martland’s girlfriend is—’

‘Uncle Jude won’t mind in the least about us,’ Jess interrupted, ‘but he will about Uncle Guy!’

‘I wish you’d drop the “uncle” bit, sweetheart — it makes me feel terribly old,’ he complained.

‘You are terribly old,’ she said witheringly.

‘If you think I’m old, Mini-Morticia, then your beloved Uncle Jude must be ancient!’

‘But I don’t think of him as old, because he’s fun,’ she said, which was a surprise to me, since nothing I’d heard about him so far would have led me to think of him as a fun person. ‘You’re silly and mean and you’re going all wrinkly round the eyes.’

‘Laughter lines,’ he said, though he turned his head and examined his face anxiously in the cloudy bevelled mirror above the fireplace. ‘Yes, laughter lines. . and is that a car I hear arriving?’ he added. ‘You’re not expecting anyone else, are you?’

‘We weren’t even expecting you,’ Becca pointed out.

Jess ran to the window. ‘Oh look, it’s Ben from Weasel’s Pot!’

She went all pink, so clearly she has a crush on the young farmer. But then she wailed, ‘Oh no, he’s driven off without coming in to say hello! But someone got out first — a woman with an enormous suitcase. Who on earth can it be?’

‘I’ve been trying to warn you,’ I said desperately, ‘it’s—’

Jess turned a startled face towards us. ‘It’s Horlicks, and she looks really mad! Shall I lock the door?’

It was too late to follow Jess’s suggestion and Coco didn’t even knock but simply swept in, looking like a slightly grubby and marked-down ice princess.

I don’t suppose she’d realised she’d be finishing her journey in the cab of a tractor, crammed in with her luggage, which she now dropped in the doorway with a loud crash. It appeared to be decidedly the worse for wear, as did Coco: white was not perhaps the most suitable colour for gruelling journeys. She was clearly also in a flaming temper, which wasn’t improved by her reception.

‘Oh God, what are you doing here?’ Guy said wearily and Becca, Tilda and Noël all stared at her in astonished unwelcome.

‘What do you mean, what am I doing here? Don’t think you can just dump me like that and get away with it just because you got cold feet at the idea of our wedding. Get over it, because you’re coming back to London with me right now!’

‘Like hell I will,’ he said. ‘You might have consulted me before sending off engagement notices and arranging celebration parties.’

‘You agreed with me when I said May weddings were the best, but you had to pick your date quickly before they got booked up!’