Lindsay Delagair - Unforgivable

I dozed before dawn and then got up and headed into town to the farmer’s market. I drove past my once happy home, knowing that Ryan and Candace were probably still sound asleep, unless she had to work today, but that was unlikely since her car and the Javelin were both parked in the drive. I picked up my fresh fruits and veggies and headed back home, noticing their cars were missing when I went past the house the second time.

I turned onto my street fifteen minutes later and could see his car was in my driveway. My cell phone was going off. “Hello, Ryan,” I answered, slowing my approach.

“When are you getting back in town? I was kind of thinking it would be today.”

“They extended our taping for another few days so I won’t be back until next week,” I teased and then pulled in behind him.

“Very funny, Leese,” he said and the line went dead as he stepped out of the car.

He came over to help carry in my produce when he got a look at my face. “Ah, Crap-what happened? Did that witch club you?” he said as he inspected the tender place gently with his fingertips.

“Yeah, she got cut from the show and went ballistic.”

“I knew I should have gone with you!”

“It’s okay. She managed one good punch before I knocked her out.”

He started laughing, “You mean like honest-to-God knocked her out?”

“I caught her with a round house to the side of the head and she dropped like a rock.”

“How did you manage to miss blocking the punch? You’re usually pretty good at that.”

“My reactions were a little slow,” I admitted.

“No sleep, huh? Come on, baby girl, that’s what I’m here for. Candace has a full shift today, nine to five and I need the rest as much as you do.”

It was so great to be home.

I called Mom the next day and told her about the television show. She was excited, but (knowing how much I disliked public attention) surprised I did it. I told her I’d really like to see them, but I wasn’t ready for all the emotions of coming home, even if it was only for a few days. She offered for her and Kimmy to come visit me and I quickly accepted, telling her I had plenty of room. She didn’t ask about Ryan, but I knew her well enough to know that she had begun to accept the idea that I knew what I was doing, no matter how much she or anyone else for that matter, didn’t.

The weather the next day was overcast, and, before I left to go pick them up from the airport, snow began floating to earth. When we got back to the house the snowfall had become steady. Kimmy was happy to see me, but I think she was truly happiest to see the snow. She had seen snow twice before but she was too little to remember it very well, so this was like a whole new experience. She went out in the yard and began collecting handfuls of it and started making a very small snow man as Mom and I watched from the window.

It didn’t take long, just the two of us inside the house, before she began cautiously asking me questions about what happened that caused me to run from Micah.

“I don’t believe it was Ryan-he was just an excuse, not the reason. I’d really like to know, and I won’t say anything to David,” she added.

“I can’t tell you.”

“Was Micah-was he abusive or did he do-”

“No-he was perfect-it was me.”

“So where is Ryan?” she asked. “Or did he leave because I’m here.”

“If I tell you something you can’t tell David, Micah, or anyone in his family.”

She nodded.

“Ryan doesn’t live here,” I sighed. I didn’t dare tell her we weren’t lovers; I simply left that subject alone. Ryan was planning on making an appearance each day, but I already told him he didn’t have to go so far as to come over and sleep with me.

I could see the surprise written all over her face, “You mean he’s not living here while we’re here. David said you two were-”

“No, I mean he really doesn’t live here.”

“But, Leese, this is a big house and you expect me to believe that you are living here all alone?”

“That’s the truth.”

“I don’t like you being alone,” she said honestly.

I wanted to tell her I didn’t like it much myself, but it would only serve to worry her. “Just do me a favor when he comes over, don’t treat him like an outsider. None of this is his fault.”

“Do you love him, Leese?”

I sighed, “Yeah, actually I do.”

“More than Micah?”

“I hate to tell you how screwed up your daughter is, but I’m in love with both of them-what I feel for Micah is just a little bit stronger.”

She came up behind me and wrapped me in her arms, kissing the side of my head, “Your cheek looks bruised,” she whispered. “There isn’t something going on here that you don’t want to tell me, is there?”

“My cheek is bruised because I got punched in the face, but it was on the set of the show.”

She turned me to face her, a frown etched hard into her expression, “I thought you said this was a singing competition?”

“It is, but I got into it with one of the other contestants.”

“As long as this isn’t Ryan’s handiwork.”

“He is one of the kindest people on the planet, Mom. He’d never lay a hand on me. Let’s go out in the yard and give Kimmy some help.”

We were chilled to the bone by the time we had scraped up enough snow to make a small, but decent snowman. He was perfect in all other ways. We used twigs for his arms, a carrot nose, and plum halves and slices for his eyes and smile and some fat, red grapes for his buttons.

Ryan pulled in just as we were finishing him up. “He looks pretty good,” he said as he climbed out of the car.

“Ryan!” Kimmy squealed with glee. She was oblivious as to what had happened over the last two months, but she remembered all the fun she had with him at the hotel. She ran and threw her soggy arms around him.

“Wow, kiddo, you’re pretty wet. We’d better get you inside before you catch pneumonia out here.”

I could see his concern for Kimmy’s welfare put a smile to Mom’s face, “He’s right. We’d better all go inside before we turn into snowmen.”

Kimmy laughed, “Ryan would be the snowman, Mom-we’d be snow-girls.”

Ryan wrapped his arm around my shoulders and softly kissed my bruise. Mom observed, but never showed any signs that it bothered her.

We made hot chocolate and then I took them upstairs to the game room. Kimmy was in heaven as Ryan showed her the proper way to kill centipedes and gobble ghosts. Mom challenged me to a game of pool, telling me she had once been pretty good at it. I’d never really studied or practiced it, but I was up for the match. Ryan stated he’d play the winner.

The next game was Ryan and Mom, because she kicked my butt on the pool table. Ryan had his work cut out for him, and I could tell he wasn’t going to fake inability so she could beat him. It seemed to impress her that he wasn’t going to try to bolster her confidence with a false show. They were evenly matched and it finally came down to who was going to make the eight ball. Mom had a difficult bank shot if she was going to get it in the pocket, but, after a tip from Ryan about the angle at which she was holding her cue, she made the shot.

Originally, we were going to grill, but it was too chilly tonight to leave Ryan out on the pool deck cooking, so he and I cooked in the kitchen instead.

When it became late, I took Kimmy down to the room I prepared for her and tucked her into bed while Mom and Ryan had a little alone time in the living room.

“I’ve missed you,” Kimmy yawned as her head hit the pillow. “When are you coming home?”

“Well, I’m a grown up now so I get to have my own house.”

“Oh,” she looked glum at my response. “Where’s Micah?” she perked up slightly.

That hit me hard, my throat knotting immediately, “He and I-we’re going to be apart for a while-I’ve been busy with the television show and he’s-he’s busy, too.”

“I’m glad Ryan isn’t too busy. I can’t wait to see you on TV; I’m telling all my friends to watch you.”

I kissed her forehead, said prayers with her, and told her to get some sleep.

I was coming out of the hallway and into the living room as I heard Mom ask Ryan if he loved me. He raised his head as he watched me approach. I sat down beside him as he refocused on Mom, “More than she even knows,” he said, his eyes getting misty, “but, it’s late and I’ve got to get going or…” he let his sentence drop.

I knew what the rest of it was going to be ‘…or Candace will be pissed,’ but he caught himself in time.

“I’ll walk you out,” I said, following him to the Javelin.

I could see my breath in the cold air. The snow had stopped falling, and a blanket of moon-kissed white covered the lawn. “Thanks for everything tonight. I hope Candace understands.”

“Yeah, she does-she doesn’t particularly like it, but she understands. Try to get some sleep tonight.” And then he kissed my cheek and was gone.

I stood outside and watched as the red taillights disappeared down the street and turned out of sight. Mom was waiting as I walked in.

“You really should tell me what’s going on, Leese.”

“I can’t, Mom, maybe someday, but not now.”

She still had a funny look on her face.

“What?”

“It’s just strange to me that the two of you never kissed on the lips. You couldn’t stop kissing Micah when you two were together. Things aren’t what they seem, are they?”

“Just remember, not a word to David. By the way, how is he?” What I really wanted to know was if they were back in the country, but I was too scared to ask.

“He is absolutely wonderful and I never thought I’d fall so deeply in love again-this is just like it was between your dad and me. He-he just mentioned before I flew out here that he’d like to marry me someday, but he is still upset over this whole thing between you and Micah.”

“Wow-Mom, that’s a bomb-shell. Would you be willing, I mean have you considered it?”

“I had no intentions until he mentioned that your marriage was annulled.”

The tears hit me fast and hard with just the sound of the word. The word screamed, ‘It’s over!’ every time I allowed myself to think about it.

She moved over to the sofa and wrapped her arm around my shoulder.

“Have you seen Micah? I mean, they are evidently back from their-trip,” I said, still sobbing.

“No, I haven’t seen him. David says he’s still just too hurt to come by. David is so angry at you. I wish you’d let me tell him how torn up you are about this whole thing.”

“NO-please, Mom. Just leave it the way it is. I can handle him being angry with me. It’s not important the kind of person he thinks I am.”

“Yes it is, honey. If he only knew-”

“If he knew, then Micah would know, and I can’t face Micah. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’ll see you in the morning.” I rose quickly and headed for the safety of my bedroom. I had already shown Mom where she would be sleeping so I wasn’t being completely rude. I just couldn’t keep up the conversation any longer.

They could only stay two more days, because Kimmy was missing school for this adventure, but they were two terrific days. We spent one of the days at the Garden of the Gods, and then the last day was spent at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo and the Seven Falls Park. Ryan joined us for each adventure, and by the time they were ready to head back, Mom seemed to understand how I could be enamored with two men. I was relieved she no longer had a bad impression of him-he didn’t deserve to be the scapegoat for what happened; it just simply had to look that way to make it work.

The days passed too quickly and it was finally time for the first show to air. Ryan said we needed to have a party and he volunteered my place to have it. Naomi, Andy, Ty, Candace, Candace’s dad, and Ryan all came to my house. I ordered catered food simply because I was too nervous to get any cooking done.

It was so completely different to watch the show than what it had been to do the show. They made everything so seamless. It was a two hour special and they included lots of clips. Candace’s reaction to Carrie putting her hands on Ryan caused her to flush with anger immediately. Ryan told her what happened, but it still seemed to take her by surprise. I watched, even more carefully, as the airplane trip to Tennessee came on screen. They included the shot of the two of us asleep, Ryan’s arm draped across me, but she didn’t seem upset. Her dad, on the other hand, sent an annoyed glance Ryan’s direction (which Ryan pretended not to notice). They had clips from my practice with Rascal Flatts, and finally, all the stage performances. Everyone agreed I had done an outstanding job. All I could do as I watched was to hope and pray that Micah was also watching, and he would know how incredibly hard it had been for me to leave him.