Lindsay Delagair - Unforgivable

Our party ended and we made plans to get everyone together on the following Tuesday for the last women’s taped show. I would be leaving the following Friday to stay in L.A. for the five solid weeks as we geared up for live shows and the count-down started toward the final two.

But, the next day, I wasn’t prepared for so many people to suddenly recognize who I was. I had the feeling that every person in Colorado Springs had watched the show. When I got to the grocery store, everyone wanted to say hello, get an autograph, or take a picture with me. All of them wished me well and said they hoped I’d be the winner.

Ryan showed later that afternoon and he was completely flustered. It wasn’t the whole fame thing that bothered him. It was the fact that when he took Candace to work and gave her a kiss goodbye, an elderly lady approached and smacked him with her handbag and told him that he shouldn’t be two-timing on me!

“This might get really sticky, baby girl, because people think I’m your main squeeze.”

“You’ll just have to be careful out in public when you’re with Candace. I’m sure you two will end up on the front of the tabloids if you don’t. Wear a hat and sunglasses; that should help.”

He sighed, “How are you going to sleep when you’re in L.A.?”

“I don’t really know. Your tee-shirt helps, but I might need you to visit me once in a while-if Candace doesn’t get too mad at us.”

“I’ve told her that I love her, but I’ve also told her she’s got to give me a little leash when it comes to you.”

“Come on leash-puppy, let’s get in a nap before she gets out of school.”

He laughed and followed me to the bedroom.

The time to make my temporary move to L.A. arrived way too soon. I wasn’t going to be staying in a hotel. They rented a mansion and put all of us in it-men and women. The house had eighteen bedroom suites and a huge, Olympic size pool, but it was a little unnerving for me to know we were all going to be together. They hired a pair of full time chefs to keep us fed and, of course, they kept a full time camera crew in the mansion. We had a weight room, sauna, and four limousines with drivers in case we felt like getting out of the house for a while.

Our first two weeks of live shows were still going to be divided as women on Tuesdays and the men on Thursdays, but, when we got down to four men and four women, the final eight would be singing together and it would no longer be an elimination of one from each side. Instead America would simply vote and every show the person with the least votes from the previous show would be let go.

We could still choose what we wanted to sing, but the live shows were themed and we had to pick from within the genre chosen by producers. The first week was pop. I made my choice and, for once, I didn’t have to go anywhere; the artist was coming to a private studio in L.A. for the practice. I had chosen the slow version of ‘Bleeding Love,’ by Leona Lewis. Kitkat and several others told me I was making a grave error by choosing one of her songs.

“She is like the next Mariah-you never touch the biggies like Streisand, Dion, Houston, Carey, those are the divas of death for someone to imitate-no one can compare to them.”

“Well then, I’ll be out of your way and you can win the competition,” I said. I honestly was ready to get out of all of this, but I certainly wasn’t going to back down from a challenging song. I was going to put my all in what I was doing and if I failed, then I got to go home, but if I succeeded then I’d prove my worth as a singer.

I never practiced quite as hard as I did with Leona to get that breathless kind of sultry, smoky quality to my voice. By the time I felt like I had the song down really well, I understood this was a song that had to be sung with as much sex appeal as I possessed. That wouldn’t be hard; all I had to do was think of Micah and the sex appeal came gushing out. I had a fashion designer help me with my outfit, and I spent extra time in the makeup chair. My hair didn’t need much more than a simple wave look because it was going to get a lot of hand-tousling on stage as I sang. I also needed a stage prop; I decided on a long, black leather couch.

My rehearsal turned a lot of heads, all of them male (and a few of them female). Don was telling me I was going to put our already soaring ratings completely through the roof if my performance went off as flawless as my rehearsal.

The night of the live show I was nervous, but I had hugged Ryan’s tee-shirt all night and managed five hours sleep, so I was rested and ready.

The lights were low as I started with the first whispered breaths, then the lights came up as I slowly rose from the couch, running my fingers through my hair. My full-length, red dress had a slit all the way to my upper thigh, a rhinestone band ran around my hips and one strip of stones went up the center of the dress, but other than that the entire midriff was totally sheer and then the rhinestones branched out and made a bikini type top and went over my shoulders as thin straps. My scar showed on my chest, but that was okay because the song contained the lyrics, ‘I’ll be wearing these scars for everyone to see.’

I looked at the camera as if it were Micah’s face as I continued to pour out the emotions the words begged for, “…something happened…the very first time with you. My heart melted to the ground, found something true. And everyone's looking round thinking I'm going crazy. But I don't care what they say. I'm in love with you. They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth. My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing-you cut me open and I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love.”

I danced slowly to the routine I had rehearsed so well that it was now completely natural. I finished the song as I laid back on the couch, my back arched and my hands clasped over my heart. The lights dimmed and then came back up to the roar of the crowd. I immediately rose and took my place in front of the panel of four judges. The comments ranged from, “This is what I was talking about stretching yourself,” to “You’ve set the bar tonight for the remainder of this competition. We might be looking at our winner.”

I hated the feeling of over-confidence, but I was on a natural high when I walked off the stage. The guys in the contestant waiting area were more than enthusiastic. Kitkat told me I did a good job, but she still seemed really annoyed that I had pulled off what she told me would be impossible.

Kitkat and the twins did a great job when it came time for their turns on stage, but Dobrey and Nicole both had an off night, and I knew one of them would be going home by the next show.

When I got back to the mansion it was eleven p.m., but I told Ryan I was going to call him and see what he thought about the show. It was one ring and he answered his cell.

“Hey,” I said, still feeling the euphoria pumping through my veins, “so what did you think?”

“Well, I got in a fight with Candace over it.”

“What?” I couldn’t imagine why they had a fight over my performance. It was then that I could hear the occasional swish of passing cars and I realized he was driving, “Did she toss you out of the house?”

“No, of course not, it’s our-I mean it’s my place, but I volunteered to go for a drive, so she could cool off.”

“Did you say something to piss her off?”

“No, baby girl, I didn’t have to say a word; the problem was body language.”

I was still stumped, “What do you mean?”

“You remember the night you were kissing my neck and we got a little too-”

“Yeah, I remember,” I stopped him before he could say more.

“I said what you did was so freaking sexy that I thought I was gonna die-well, that performance was right up there with the one in the bedroom and I must have, unconsciously, got a little too excited watching you. When she noticed, she slugged the crap out of me.”

I kept reviewing what he said as I tried to get the meaning. It finally hit me as he began to explain.

“I ended up with a-”

“Don’t say it!” I stopped him, “I got it. I wasn’t going for trashy,” I started to say, thinking my performance may have not been exactly what I had hoped.

“No, no, no, baby girl. You were not trashy. You were sexy-sexy like some hot Hollywood starlet. You were fabulous. It’s just that I kept thinking I’ve been in the same bed with you and never realized exactly what I was holding on to.”

“Ah nuts, Ryan. Does this mean we aren’t going to be able to manage sleeping together anymore?”

He laughed hard, “Man, I hope not. It might take me a little longer to fall asleep, but…”

I told him to go home and apologize profusely to her and get out of the cold weather. He agreed, told me he loved me, and hung up.

Everyone wanted to stay up and talk, but I excused myself to my room and curled up with Ryan’s tee-shirt, inhaling deeply and smiling as I thought about him. I managed to fall asleep and stayed that way until four a.m. Then I got up and hit the weight room down stairs, with plans to hit the pool afterwards. I was pumping some light iron when I realized I wasn’t alone; Sadarius had joined me.

“What are you doing up so early?” he asked.

“I don’t sleep very well when I’m away from-home.” I almost said Ryan.

“How about you? Are you normally an early riser?”

“Sometimes, it just depends on what I did the night before. I’ve been wanting to ask you something and I don’t want to like scare you off or anything, but are you and Ryan real serious? I mean, you haven’t been bringing him along so I wondered.”

“He’s my very best friend, but he actually has a girlfriend-just please don’t mention that to anyone else-like the press.”

“No way, girl. I don’t talk to those people willingly. But, if you and him aren’t dating, I was wondering if you’d like to go out some time?”

“Ah-no, I-I don’t date,” I answered uneasily. I wasn’t willing to explain my reasoning to him because this conversation would lead to exposing some private matters.

“You don’t have an issue with color, do you?” he didn’t say it rudely. He seemed genuinely interested in knowing if I had racial preferences.

“No, I have husband issues,” I said softly as I put the barbell carefully back into the cradle and sat up on the bench.

His eyebrows went up, “I thought you ran off from him?”

“I did, but it is more complicated than what I want to get into.”

“I read that he was like some big shot in the mob. Is that true?”

“He was out at the time, but he’s back in the mob and… I really don’t want to discuss it. I’m sorry, I just can’t.” My eyes were giving away the pain that was piercing me.

“Hey, it’s cool. You seem to treat your friends pretty good, so how about just being friends?”

I smiled, “I kind of thought of you as a friend already.”

He straddled the neighboring bench and began doing curls with the dumbbells, “Are you coming to watch the guys practice today?”

“Should I?”

“Akon is gonna be in the studio helping me with my song for tomorrow.”

“Which one are you doing?”

“Beautiful,” he simply stated.

“Ah, I love that song. Yeah, I’d like to come to the practice.”

“And then we could have lunch together-just as friends, of course.”

Boy, I got suckered into that one. I grinned and sighed, “Yeah, I think we could manage lunch.”

“Are these all the cameras we have in the studio?”

“Yes sir, boss man, but I can install more if you want. I can put them anywhere and no one will know.” Cedric watched the owner as he focused on one particular female contestant, “I could even put one in her dressing room, if you like,” he grinned. “She needs someone to keep an eye on her because I think she’s going to get into trouble in the big city.”

“Why is that?”

Cedric backed the video to the last taped episode. He pulled up the feed where he caught Leese buying drugs from Thomas, and then watched the owner’s face grow furiously dark.

“What the hell did he sell her?”

“I’m not sure, but she paid five hundred dollars for it, so it must have been something good.”

“I want him fired-today-within the hour, and I want to know what he sold her.”

“Yes, sir. Anything else?”

The owner gave him a mildly annoyed glance, but continued to study her, “If you put a camera in her dressing room, that feed better run only to my office, nowhere else, is that understood?”

Cedric had actually been kidding, but it wouldn’t be the first time in this business someone wanted to be a voyeur. He almost wished he hadn’t mentioned it; he liked Leese. She was a sweet girl and not fake like so many of the women he had met in this business. But, she wasn’t the one making sure the bills got paid around here, so what would it hurt to let the boss get a little peek? “I’ll install it tonight.”