He swallowed and ran his hand through his hair. I could see his eyes tearing up and the whole time all I kept saying to myself was, ‘Don’t cave, Leese, don’t cave.’

“What I did to you was unforgivable and I can understand why you don’t want me to get close, but you’ve got to believe me, Leese, I swear to you, I wasn’t in my right mind that day and I could never do that to you again. I look at you every day and every day I hate myself just a little bit more.”

“Well, you can swear all you want; I can’t afford to give you another opportunity. We haven’t seen each other in months and I know you haven’t been following me around all this time, so you haven’t seen me every day.”

“No, you were pretty tough to find this time, but I have the pictures Ryan gave me.”

That made no sense. I doubted Ryan would have anything to do with Micah and he certainly wouldn’t have given him pictures of me, “What pictures?”

“The ones he took of you the day after I-I…”

He couldn’t say it, but I knew what he meant, “It’s called rape, Micah, and if you think it’s hard to say then you should try living through it. I didn’t let him take pictures.”

“I guess then I’m not the only guy who didn’t ask for your permission,” he said as he reached into the pocket of his jacket and tossed a handful of pictures of me asleep in my bra and underwear onto the porch floor, “But you should at least be proud of the way he delivered them to me.” He had an odd sound to his voice, “He showed up with a couple big guys that grabbed and held me while he beat the hell out of me.”

My free hand went to my mouth to stifle the gasp.

“I deserved it and he did a good job working me over; fractured four ribs and a cheek bone in the process.”

“I’m sorry, Micah. I knew how pissed off he was, but I never dreamed he’d go after you.”

“But he also told me a few things, and I needed to see you to get the truth.”

My heart jumped in my throat as I prayed that Ryan had kept his promise not to tell what he knew, “What did he say?”

He took a tentative step up onto the porch and bent down to retrieve the photos, and then another step toward the door.

“Please stop, Micah. I can’t let you get near me.”

The tears had started running down his cheeks. “There is another picture-I-I carry with me,” he struggled to say, reaching back into the jacket pocket. He pulled out the picture of us on our wedding day as we stood by the well at the old monastery. “This one is my favorite,” he choked on a sob that struggled away from his emotional resolve, “I’ve got to know, baby. He said you didn’t leave me for him. He said someone forced you.”

“Was that all he said?” I questioned, an old familiar lump rising in my throat as I tried to steady the gun.

“Yeah-whatever you made him promise, he kept it. You’ve got to finally tell me. Hasn’t it been long enough?”

“I wish I could Micah, but it’s too late. I can’t change what’s happened and if I could have stayed with you, you’d have eventually hated me worse than you do now,” I felt the first tear roll down my cheek.

“Hate you? I never hated you, baby-mad as hell, sure-but I’ve never hated you. You were everything I never knew I wanted until I met you. I have to know why you turned my life upside down.”

“Threatening to kill me doesn’t quite qualify as only ‘mad as hell,’” I snapped.

There was no comprehension on his face, “I-I-never threaten to…” he choked up again. “I threatened to kill Ryan, but I would never-”

“I still have the note and the iPod.” He looked so confused that I was beginning to wonder if he honestly didn’t know what I was talking about, “The one you sent me the day after the final show.”

I watched his face grow furiously dark, “I never sent you another iPod, but I did tell someone about sending you the first one. What was on it, Leese?”

“Do you mean to tell me you didn’t send me the song ‘Breath,’ by Breaking Benjamin? You included a note.”

“I never sent you anything. I was too ashamed to even approach you at the finale.”

All this time I thought he wanted me dead. All this time I had been afraid and hurt. I had a good suspicion I could name the person he told, “Who did you tell, Micah?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll deal with him.”

“D’Angelo?” I asked, realizing I was still pointing the gun at him. I lowered it as I watched the strange expression come over his face. “Micah, do you still put stock in your word? If I ask you to swear to God the most honest promise you’ve ever made, would you do it-and mean it.”

The tears were running harder down his face, “I will do anything you ask of me-anything other than to leave.”

“I’m going to put this gun away, but I want you to swear to me that you won’t lay a hand on me. Promise me, Micah, for everything your worth, you will not touch me.”

“I-I swear, unless you allow it, Leese.”

“Sit in a rocker,” I told him. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

He took a rocker and moved it further away from the other and sat down.

I was shaking so bad. I had to go on absolute faith that he meant what he said. If he hurt me again, my life was over.

I put away the gun and grabbed a wine glass and filled it up and walked out cautiously onto the porch. I still couldn’t tell him the truth, but I was curious enough now that I did want to talk.

I sat down and took a deep breath, “What have you been doing since I left you? Besides running the country’s top new show.”

“You’re drinking wine?” he asked, ignoring the question.

I could hear an edge to his voice; he didn’t approve. “No, it’s not wine. I don’t drink. This is grape juice. Stemware is the only thing I have in the cottage besides coffee cups.”

“Not that I don’t believe you, but… I don’t believe you-may I?” he asked reaching for my glass.

I sighed and handed it to him. The touch of his hand as he took it was like electricity to my system. He inhaled deeply above the rim, swirled it and then took a tentative sip. His brows raised and he offered me back the glass.

“I’m sorry I doubted you, but Ryan said you were drinking brandy when he took those pictures.”

“I-I was in a lot of pain-internally,” I shot a look at Micah’s face and watched the sorrow hit him. “He told me it would ease it and had me sip down a glassful.”

“Did it?”

“Yeah, but I guess he wanted me out for a different reason.”

“I’m glad he did it. I didn’t realize what I’d done to you.”

“How could you not know what you’d done?” I asked incredulously. “I know you’d been drinking, but Micah, you weren’t drunk.”

“I was-well, for lack of a better term-high.”

“What?! Don’t tell me you’re into drugs?”

He gave an honest laugh, but I didn’t find the subject at all funny. “I was on a heavy dose of steroids and amphetamines, they made me-aggressive-I couldn’t control my emotions and actions like normal. I drank the alcohol to stop the shakes I had on the way to your place.”

“You never told me you took steroids.” I was surprised, but, thinking about his muscle mass, the steroids made sense.

“I’ve never taken them in my life-I don’t do drugs-but someone pulled a David on me.” He suddenly looked pained as he said it in a term he knew I would quickly understand. “Would you mind if I had a drink with you? I can get it if you-”

“No,” I responded quickly. I didn’t want him inside the cottage. I didn’t trust him, yet. He put out his hand for my glass as I rose up. I handed it to him and went back inside. I glanced at the door several times to make sure he wasn’t going to try to follow me in, but he stayed on the porch. I brought out a fresh glass of juice and handed it to him, noticing he had set mine down on the table between us.

He took a sip and then continued, “I honestly didn’t know I’d been that rough with you, Leese. I didn’t remember much from that day until he showed me the pictures.”

“I truly think you could have killed me, maybe not intentionally, but the outcome would have been the same if it had been accidental. But, God has a purpose for everything.”

He looked like I’d just hit him with a stun gun, “You-you can’t believe that anymore, not after everything that’s happened.”

“Oh, trust me; I believe it more than ever before.”

“Then let me in on the purpose,” he said sounding exasperated. “Or better yet just let me in on the reason and then I can figure out the purpose on my own.”

“Oh, that,” I said, realizing he was talking about why I left him. “I haven’t got that one all figured out yet, but God had a purpose for bringing you to me the day you-you raped me.”

“I can’t stand the sound of that word,” he confessed.

I took a long drink and studied the ocean in the distance. “Neither can I, because I wanted you to take me, I just never expected it to be like that.”

“Will you tell me why this all happened?”

“I can’t-I can’t ever tell you.” I was trying to force back the tears as I took another sip of my drink.

“Then tell me one thing and, for the moment, I’ll be satisfied-is there any way you could still be in love with me?”

That hit me hard. I tried a smile, but the tears were washing it off my face. I couldn’t speak.

“I know you’ll never forgive me, but I have to know if there is any love left.”

“Micah, I’ve loved you with every single beat of my heart, and I forgave you the moment you were finished with me that day. You still don’t know what’s going on and I-I’m sure I’m just as responsible for all the rage and anger that day as a dose of drugs.”

“Ah, baby, don’t say that,” he pleaded, but he surprised me as he literally slipped off the rocker and hit his knees in front of me. “I don’t deserve forgiveness and I certainly don’t deserve your love-I’m just selfish and I want it so bad.”

I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I couldn’t risk it. I swallowed at the annoying lump in my throat and took another long drink.

“Stop it, Leese-put the glass down-don’t drink anymore. I can’t do what I came here to do, even if I don’t get the answers I need. I can’t hurt you, again.”

I looked at him for a long moment. His eyes kept going back to my glass. I felt a soft warmness creeping through me and I was instantly alarmed. “Oh God, Micah, you didn’t,” I stated as terror gripped me. I stood up clutching against my blouse. “Please, please tell me you didn’t.” I hadn’t eaten yet and I knew if I was feeling the effects now, it was in my blood stream. My stomach began to roll as the nausea from the knowledge hit me. I didn’t try to stop it as I went to the railing and began to heave.

“I had to know,” he said sounding desperate. He got up from the floor and stood behind me, but he kept his word and didn’t touch me. “It’s the only way I can get you to tell me. I didn’t want to do it, but-”

“Micah, you idiot,” I snapped, rubbing my temples and turning to face him, “I can’t take drugs now-I’m pregnant!”

His face turned the color of ash, “Leese, I had no idea. I’d never hurt a baby, not even Ryan’s.” Sincerity and regret filled his face. “God forgive me,” he said, reaching out to me, but then refraining.

I looked at him. He still didn’t understand, “Micah, I’ve never had sex with Ryan. The only thing I ever did was kiss him.”

“But…” he looked more confused than ever.

“This is the purpose God had-this is our baby. It’s all I had left of you.” I was still growing warmer and knew the drug was in my system. “Oh, God, please,” I prayed out loud, “Don’t let this hurt the baby.” I broke down sobbing and went into his arms. He didn’t expect me to do that, but it was too late and he was going to have to get me through this.

“Do I take you to a hospital?” he wept out as he cradled me in his arms.

“There’s nothing left inside me. Hold me, Micah, and if I tell you what this is all about you can’t change it. You can’t stay with me-you can’t leave the mob again.”

He tipped my face up and kissed me, “I won’t hurt you, Leese. I’m just going to take you inside and lay you down.”

It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered as I grew warmer and weaker. He scooped me up in his arms and my mind started to drift.

I don’t remember much of the rest of the evening. I only remember being in his arms, his mouth on mine, and some of what I said. I remember saying D’Angelo’s name and Micah’s anger, rage, and bitterness, but he was gentle with me. I recalled asking him to take off my clothes and the feel of his mouth against my stomach as he kissed and stroked me tenderly. The only other thing I recall was the constant murmur as he told me how very sorry he was about what he’d done.

Chapter Twenty-Eight