I couldn’t wait to find out. I needed to know for my sanity and self-preservation. I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. Instead of heading to the local bagel shop for lunch, I’d make a stop at the nearest pharmacy to grab a pregnancy test.

My fingers felt sweaty against the faux leather steering wheel. My heart pounded feverishly in my chest and I could hear my blood flowing through my ears. Every thought I had was filled with images of a baby and Kayden… a little bundle of joy with green eyes and chubby limbs. My vision blurred from tears as I pulled into the parking lot to find out the cold hard truth. I sat a moment steady my breath and wiping my eyes.

My legs felt unsteady as I walked down the feminine products aisle. I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world right now. I thought I had made peace with being childless, but it always hurt deep down. Every new person I met would ask me if I had children, and my answer was always the same… no, life had other plans for me. Every time I gave that answer my heart felt like a tiny needle pierced it, and it had been turned into a pin cushion over the years.

I paid for the one that claimed to be the most accurate and easy to read. “Is there a bathroom here?” I asked the cashier. I couldn’t wait to get back to work to find out. I walked to the back of the store with the test in my purse, holding it tightly against my body as if it were precious cargo. I tore open the box as soon as I walked through the door and discarded the box minus the stick. I followed the directions and placed the cap back on, putting it in my purse for safe keeping.

I walked to my car feeling like I was awaiting a death sentence, not from pregnant, but the possibility that age had robbed me of a child for eternity. I sat in my car trying to stare at the stick. I placed it on the passenger seat and texted Kayden.

Me: Hey baby, how’s work?

Kayden: Good love, whatcha doin?

I couldn’t tell him. I didn’t want him to get excited or start planning in his mind if the test was negative. Kayden wanted a family and always felt it was a possibility.

Me: Having lunch, are you going to be late today?

Kayden: Nah, I’ll be home around five.

I wanted to tell him, wanted him to comfort me, but I thought it would be unfair to him. This was something so very personal for me… men could have children for their entire life, but at some point a woman loses that ability forever.

I held my breath as I reached over and gripped the pregnancy stick in my hand, scared to see the result. I slowly opened my fingers one at a time, dragging out my torture and any chance of bad news. My eyes grew wide as the blue plus sign filled the test strip window. My heart stopped as the realization of what I was staring at hit me. I’m pregnant, we’re pregnant. Large teardrops streamed down my cheeks plopping on my dress pants. A sob ripped through me and I allowed the sound to fill the interior of my car. I didn’t know until this moment how much I wanted a child, this child.

Kayden walked through the door shortly after five. I cleaned the entire apartment waiting for him to arrive. I couldn’t sit still and wanted to tell him, but wanted it to be in person. “Hey baby.” I said walking towards him as he kicked off his shoes.