“May I show Your Majesty what I found on my pillow this morning?” asked Mr. Birch.

I nodded.

He showed me a crumpled piece of paper. In it lay a tin soldier dressed in the uniform of the pre-revolutionary French army. I took it from him.

“It is the best of his soldiers, his favorite,” said Mr. Birch. “He sent it to me with this note.”

The note, written in Bertie's childish hand, said how much he loved Mr. Birch and how miserable he was because he was going away. He wanted him to have his best soldier as a keepsake.

Mr. Birch's lips quivered. I saw the tears in his eyes.

He bowed, took the paper and the soldier and begged leave to retire.

I was glad he had gone. A moment later and I should have been weeping with him. I must control my emotions, as Albert always said. My impulse was to rush to him and tell him that I was retaining Mr. Birch and that I did not care if Bertie never was a scholar.

Then I seemed to hear Albert's voice at my elbow. The note was badly written. A boy of Bertie's age should do better than that.

Albert was right. Of course he was right.


* * *

I HAD MANY a qualm about Bertie.

I knew that on the day Mr. Birch left he and Alfred stood at the window weeping bitterly—Bertie for Mr. Birch and Alfred mourned for Bertie. I noticed that even Alfred looked at Albert with something like hatred in his face. I hoped Albert did not notice. Fortunately Vicky was present and when she was there Albert never noticed any of the others.

Mr. Gibbs had been in the palace for a few weeks taking over from Mr. Birch, and I think that when Mr. Birch was there he restrained himself considerably. After Mr. Birch had left, lessons began in earnest and we heard that Bertie did not take at all kindly to them. He was sullen and refused to learn and was constantly being beaten, which did not appear to have the desired effect. Once he threw a stone at Mr. Gibbs. Alice and Alfred misbehaved too, siding with Bertie; even Helena and Louise set up a wail every time Mr. Gibbs appeared.

And it seemed that Bertie learned less under Mr. Gibbs than he had under Mr. Birch.

But Stockmar and Albert believed that Bertie had to be tamed and that the gentle hand of Mr. Birch would never have achieved anything.

Nothing Bertie did was right.

Sometimes when I was with him and the other children, without Albert, he would seem a little less sullen. We would laugh and sing together, and I would tell them about the past when I had lived in Kensington Palace, how I had saved for the doll, how I had had the typhoid fever and was so ill that my hair had come out. I told them about Lehzen and the uncles; and they listened avidly.

“Were you always the Queen?” asked Bertie.

“No,” I told him. “It was only after Uncle William died. I was the next in line.”

I asked him if he knew what that meant; he did not, so I explained.

I finished, “And after me you will be the Sovereign.”

Bertie shook his head. “No, Mama,” he said, “that will be Vicky. You and Papa don't love me. You love Vicky, so you will make her the Queen.”

I was shaken. I said indignantly, “But of course we love you. You are our son.”

He was matter of fact. He said with conviction, “It will be Vicky.”

“You think because Vicky is older than you she will be the Queen. But you are a boy and they come before girls.”

He looked unconvinced. “But, you see, you and Papa don't love me. You do love Vicky…very much.”

I tried to explain to him that I loved them all equally. I saw a faraway look come into his eyes. He politely refrained from contradiction, but his expression implied that it was no use trying to convince him of something that he knew was simply not true.

I had many uneasy nights over Bertie and my feelings came to a head when Vicky was troublesome.

There was no doubt that Vicky had a high opinion of herself. It was natural, Albert would say. She was a pretty, very clever girl. It was more than that; she basked in an atmosphere of approval. Albert liked to talk to her. She could discuss most topics with intelligence. When he was making plans for Balmoral he showed them to her before he showed them to me. He would listen to her comments. “Why, that is good,” he would say. “An excellent idea.”

I felt a little irritated. She was only a child after all.

Then there was the incident that brought matters to a head. Albert had been unwell for some time. I believed he had been rather delicate in his boyhood and now he had a series of colds, one after the other, which was very worrying. I fussed over him a little and although he pretended to be impatient, I think he enjoyed it. There was a doctor in Windsor named Brown who was very highly regarded and I said why did we not ask his opinion instead of calling in Sir James Clark. I thought a fresh man might be able to put his finger on Albert's weakness. It might be something to do with the Windsor air and Brown knew Windsor.

Vicky heard Albert call the doctor Brown and when she spoke of him she referred to him in the same way.

“That is impolite,” I said. “You must call him Dr. Brown.”

“Papa calls him Brown,” said Vicky, who always wanted to argue about everything.

“Papa is different. Papa may do as he wishes and he may be Brown to Papa but he is Dr. Brown to you.”

“I cannot see…,” began Vicky.

“Never mind whether you see or not. Don't do it again.”

Vicky liked to show off in front of the others and again referred to Brown.

I saw Albert smile to himself; he thought it was amusing. I was angry that Vicky should be impolite to the doctor and ignore my orders.

I said that if I heard her call the doctor Brown again, she would go straight to bed.

The very next morning when Dr. Brown called she said, “Good morning, Brown.” She was really a minx. She saw me looking at her and said, “Good night, Brown. I am going to bed now.”

Then she left the room.

Albert could not contain his laughter—and he laughed rarely.

He explained to the doctor who joined in the mirth. Whether he thought it was funny I do not know. One is never sure with people. I was not amused.

I was even more annoyed when later Albert went to her room and came down smiling proudly.

“What a child!” he said. “She is so amusing. Do you know, she told me that she did not mind spending the day in her bedroom. She had her books and she does enjoy them. So it is no punishment really, she said.”

I retorted, “You encourage her in her naughtiness, Albert.”

“Such charming naughtiness,” he said.

“She defied me.”

“That was really witty at the end. Good morning…Good night, I am going to bed.”

“You can see no wrong in her, can you?” I said.

“My dear love, I see her as she is.”

“And how do you see Bertie?” I cried. Then it came out… all the thoughts that had been in my mind and which I had refused to consider. “You can be cruel to Bertie your son while you pamper your daughter.”

Albert looked at me in amazement. “I? Cruel to Bertie! What do you mean? Victoria, what are you saying?”

I had gone too far. I had said what I did not mean. Of course Albert only wanted the best for Bertie. It was Bertie who was slothful, who would not learn.

Albert went on, “When I think of the trouble I have gone to for that boy… and you say…”

“Oh, it was nothing, I did not mean it. I have been worried about Bertie, and seeing how you are with Vicky…”

“Liebchen,” he began, and he slipped into German. He had neglected me. I was jealous because he spent so much time with our daughter. She was growing up… she needed him. She was a dear, sweet, clever child, and he had high hopes for her. He loved all our children. If he seemed cruel to Bertie it was only for Bertie's good. Did I want Bertie to grow into a criminal?

I began to feel wretched.

It was my impetuosity again.

“I'm sorry, Albert. I didn't mean it.”

He took my face in his hands.

“Little one,” he said, “you are just a little jealous of Vicky. I have neglected my little wife… for my little daughter. It is because she is ours— yours and mine—that I love her so much.”

I was in tears. I lay against him.

He was so good. He was a saint. And it is sometimes not easy to live with saints.

I told him this and he stroked my hair and was very tender. He understood, he murmured. He understood… absolutely.


* * *

WHEN DEATH STRIKES it seems to do so in several directions all at once. Someone dies here, another there; and life seems changed somehow.

Dear Aunt Adelaide died and I was very sad remembering so many incidents from the past, her many kindnesses, the Big Doll she had given me, and how she had tried to get me to her children's balls because she had thought I was not having enough fun. Dear Aunt Adelaide! I hoped she was happy now with Uncle William, for they had truly loved each other.

Louis Philippe died at Claremont. How sad to die in exile! There was hardly any notice taken of his death. That old gossip, Greville, who was staying at Brighton at the time, said there was no more notice taken of the death of the King of France than there would have been of one of the old bathing women opposite his window.

But the death that was so tragic for Albert was that of George Anson, the secretary, whom he had been so reluctant to have in the beginning and whom he had grown to love. For weeks Albert was pale and sad. He had wept bitterly on the day of Anson's death—and I with him.

We had lost a dear friend.

I think the death of Anson made him turn to planning feverishly for the exhibition, and because there was so much opposition in the beginning it helped Albert to overcome his grief. He became so angry and frustrated, and his mind was so filled with plans that he forgot to grieve.

The Great Exhibition was Albert's creation. How proud I was of him! This would show the people what a clever man he was. This exhibition was for them; it was for the whole world; it had been made to bring the nations together; it was to show how art and commerce could combine to make a better life for all people.

Joseph Paxton's crystal palace was superb, and, of course, Hyde Park was the best possible setting. While it was in progress I used to take the children to see it. I told them that this was all due to their Papa and how people from all over the world would come and marvel at it. We followed its progress with loving attention. It was going to astonish the world, I told Albert.

It seemed so long before the opening day. It was to be May the First. Little Arthur was just a year old so the day began with his birthday celebrations. He was quite a little man and was delighted by the presents that were brought to him. It was clear that Bertie was his favorite, and as he grasped his presents he handed them to Bertie as though for his approval. Bertie seemed to know just how to please the child. He certainly had a gift for that, even if mathematics was beyond him.

Opening the exhibition was the most wonderful experience of my life. Bertie walked beside me, and a few paces behind were Albert and Vicky. The peals of the organ rose to the crystal roof; the flowers were magnificent, the fountains splendid. There was an orchestra with two hundred instruments, and with it six hundred singers.

I laughed inwardly to think of all those who had tried to prevent this from being made. How stupid they would look now! Even Lord John Russell had made a nuisance of himself by raising an objection to the gun salutes being fired in the Park. He said they would shatter the glass, and he had wanted the guns to be fired in St. James's Park. That would not do, said Albert. It would not seem like part of the occasion if they were not fired in Hyde Park. Albert won the day. I must say I felt a little trepidation, lest Lord John might be right. But he was wrong, of course. The guns were fired in Hyde Park with no dire consequences.

When I heard people cheering Albert I was so moved. Nothing could have pleased me more.

Perhaps, I thought, they will appreciate him now.

There was no doubt of public approval. The glass palace was crammed with people of all kind. I was touched to see the Duke of Wellington there. He was getting very old now and he came arm in arm with Lord Anglesey—such old men, both of them, but determined to be of the company. Lord Palmerston put in an appearance and on such a day I even felt kindly toward him.