I prayed then—a strange thing to do with all my sins upon me. I prayed for the strength I should need to live with this evil I had created.

When I returned to the house I found my mother busy in her private sanctum. She called to me.

“The carol singers will be round in the evening,” she said. “We shall have to bring them in and give them hot punch and cakes. That will be enough for tonight and we’ll hope to retire early in readiness for tomorrow. We shall eat in the hall tomorrow of course and while things are being cleared away for the dancing, I thought we’d have a treasure hunt. That always goes down well and the house lends itself to it so admirably. Another thing, there’ll be a moon and therefore enough light for them to see where they are going when they prowl about the house. I never liked lighted candles all over the place.”

I said: “That’s a good idea, Maman. Do you want me to help you with the clues?”

“No, Dickon and I will do them. If you help you won’t be able to join in.”

I said: “We went to Grasslands.”

“Oh, did you?”

“We couldn’t get out of it. It was Harry Farringdon’s fault. He wanted to go after he had seen Evie.”

My mother laughed. “So he took a fancy to her.”

“It was rather obvious. Mrs. Trent was very pleased.”

“Oh dear, I hope she wasn’t too obvious.”

“She always is… rather.”

“Poor old Evalina Trent! My mother disliked her intensely. I think something happened in the past. I have a feeling that she could be rather a dangerous woman.”

“I feel that too. However, she does care for those grand-daughters.”

“It’s poor little Dolly I’m sorry for.”

“Evie seems fond of her, and of course the poor girl dotes on Evie.”

“It’s sad to be born like that. Let’s hope something comes of Harry’s interest.”

“What would John and Gwen Farringdon think of the Grasslands family? Dickon said Harry was a very good match.”

“They’d look higher than Mrs. Trent’s grand-daughter, but if Harry wanted it… Well, I reckon he’s a young man who would have his way. But aren’t we being a little premature?”

We laughed. “It’s a good thing no one can hear us,” I said. “Anyway, I hope things work out well for Evie.”

“So do I,” said my mother. “Dancing will be just right after the treasure hunt and that can take up the rest of the evening. I’ve arranged for the music. The musicians can have something to eat while the treasure hunt is in progress. That will keep them going through the evening.”

I kissed her lightly and said: “You think of everything.”

Evening came. We were in the dining room and were just finishing the meal when the carol singers arrived. It was very picturesque with their lanterns bobbing about outside the windows and after the first rendering Dickon and my mother opened the door and they all trooped into the hall. There they sang for us and we applauded and joined in with the carols. The big punch bowl was brought in and the drink was ladled into goblets which the ladies of the household handed round with the pies and cakes which had been baked for the occasion.

Then we went to the punch room and talked of Christmases of the past, and my mother described Christmas in France, which was celebrated more on Christmas Eve than on the day itself. There was midnight Mass, and slippers by the fire into which gifts were placed.

Christmas Day came. I awoke with that heavy sense of guilt which was almost always with me nowadays and as I lay in bed I thought of last Christmas Day when I had been an innocent, lighthearted girl.

“It must end,” I said for the hundredth time.

We went to the little church in the village of Eversleigh for the morning service. With the unpredictability of our climate the weather had changed again and there was the faintest touch of frost in the air. After the service we walked home across the fields, and Jonathan suddenly started to sing a carol in which we all joined. He came and took my arm; on his other side was Millicent Pettigrew and her arm was slipped through his. He pressed mine against him and all my weakness returned. Momentarily I was happy because I was close to him.

I did not see him again that day until it was time to greet the arriving guests. My mother said that now I was a married woman I should take my stand with her to welcome them.

The Dollands arrived first, on foot of course, having come just from the manager’s house. Emily wanted to know if there was anything she could do to help.

“You may be pressed into service later,” said my mother, “but I think everything is under control just now.”

My mother looked very beautiful in a peacock-blue velvet gown which accentuated the blue of her eyes. There was a radiance about her. I thought: She at least is happy. Yet, when I paused to think of it I realized that she had had to go through many trials before she reached that contentment. Perhaps that was the fate of everyone and I was just embarking on my troubles. Troubles are always harder to bear when they are of one’s own making. It must be a comfort to have someone to blame… even if it was only Fate. That was denied me. I had not been forced into this situation. I had perhaps allowed myself to be led. But what effort had I made to escape it? Very little. I had gone willingly, and in my heart I knew I should do so again.

My dress was cherry-coloured. It was one of David’s favourites and I had worn it for that reason. I had a passionate desire to please him all I could, because I was treating him so badly…

The Trents arrived. Evie, in a gown of blue silk and lace, looked quite beautiful, Dolly was in blue also—painfully thin and gauche. I wondered if she might hide her deformity by wearing a patch over her eye. Some patches could be quite ornamental. I remembered a picture I had seen of the Princess of Eboli who had lost an eye. She looked most decorative… mysterious and exciting with her patch.

Mrs. Trent was in purple velvet. It was a beautiful dress and she was really quite a handsome woman. Her manners betrayed her. If only she would be quieter!

“It’s so nice of you to ask us,” she was saying. “My word, this is a fine old place. Eversleigh! I remember it well, I know every nook and cranny. It takes me back to be here.” Her eyes were darting about; searching for Harry Farringdon, I guessed.

He had found Evie. I believed he had been waiting for her. Now he was talking to her. I was glad that I had arranged with my mother that they should be seated together at the table.

I noticed Dolly, who kept beside her grandmother, although her eyes were wistfully on Evie all the time. It occurred to me briefly that she might resent anyone’s taking Evie from her.

Sophie was with us for dinner. She and Sabrina would slip away immediately after we had eaten—Sabrina because she must retire early, and Sophie, I supposed, because she still felt ill-at-ease in company and would, in any case, wish to be with Jeanne.

The great table in the hall looked magnificent in the light from the candelabra. I wondered how many candles were burning in the hall that night. My mother sat at one end of the massive oak table, Dickon at the other. Jonathan was with Millicent, David was next to Mrs. Trent, and I had Jack Dolland on one side and Harry Farringdon on the other. I could hear him and Evie chatting together.

The meal lingered on. There were toasts to the guests and their returning ones to us; and everybody was very merry. A great deal of wine was drunk and food consumed; and at length the time came for the treasure hunt. My mother explained to the company that the hall would be cleared while the treasure hunt was taking place and then we should be ready for dancing.

“You will all work individually,” she explained. “No collusion! The first lady and the first gentleman to bring me the six written clues will win the prizes. Now I shall give you all one clue and that should lead you to the next. When you have found it, pick up the clue—there is one for everybody—and go on to the next. The first to bring me six clues wins, and when everyone is assembled here… having completed the exercise or given up in despair, I shall make the presentation. We are grateful to the weather. Thank goodness it’s a clear night. The moon will light your way.”

People went off in different directions. There was much murmuring and suppressed laughter in the gloom.

I found the first clue easily. Perhaps I knew the way my mother’s mind worked. Moreover, I knew the house well and could have found my way about blindfolded. I would tell my mother that members of the family had an advantage over visitors and should be handicapped.

I had mounted a staircase and was in a corridor when a hand came out and seized me. I was held tightly and kissed with fervour.

“Jonathan!” I whispered.

“I was waiting to catch you.”

The door of one of the rooms was open. He drew me in and shut the door.

“It seems so long,” he said.

I could see beyond him to where a shaft of moonlight fell on the court cupboard, which was close to the bed.

“Jonathan… please… we can’t stay here.”

“Tomorrow,” he said.

“No… No… Never again.”

He laughed softly.

“How many times have you said never and how many times have I proved you wrong?”

“It has to stop. I can’t bear it.”

“And I could not bear to stop.”

“We’ve got to, Jonathan.”

“Tomorrow afternoon,” he said. “They will go riding in the afternoon. You stay behind and go to the house. I’ll see you there. Dear old Enderby… in our room. You’ll be there, Claudine.”

“No… no,” I said.

“Yes, yes,” he whispered. “Three o’clock. Oh, my darling, I do long for you.”

I wrenched myself away. We could so easily betray ourselves. What if someone came into this room and found us here together? What if David…? We must stop. We were running too many risks.

I ran down the stairs.

My mother was in the hall.

“Don’t tell me you’ve found them already.”

“No. But it has occurred to me that the family have an advantage and it is not fair to the others. We ought to be handicapped or disqualified if we win.”

“I see your point,” said my mother. “Stay here then. You look flushed and hot anyway.”

So I stayed with her. I was afraid to wander through those darkened rooms and corridors in case I met Jonathan… in case we were seen together.

I realized to the full then how I should feel if David discovered my perfidy. He must never, never know. I must forget this infatuation. I must cut it right out of my life. It was so utterly foolish… so selfish to risk so much.

Evie was the first lady to finish and Harry the first man.

“I scent collusion,” I whispered to my mother.

“It’s understandable. Evie looks different. She looks really happy.”

Evie received the ivory fan adorned with hand-painted roses and Harry the pewter tankard. There was loud applause and by that time the hall was cleared for dancing and the music began.

According to tradition my mother opened the dancing with Dickon, and David and I immediately joined them on the floor. Harry and Evie danced together and Jonathan with Millicent.

Rather mechanically I went through the minuet and the cotillion, and in spite of my fears and resolutions, when I danced with Jonathan I felt the excitement surging up in me.

“I can’t wait until tomorrow afternoon,” he said.

“I can’t come.”

“You will,” he told me.

He was laughing, his blue eyes aflame; and I felt a rising resentment because he did not suffer remorse as I did. He was perfectly contented with what was taking place.

For the first time I began to wonder whether he enjoyed this situation because of the risks and that they added a fillip to his desire. Could he really enjoy deceiving his own brother, breaking the laws of honour and convention… and of religion? Was it then that my feelings underwent a change? I felt the same urgent desire; but rather naïvely I had imagined previously that he would feel the same as I did—carried away by passion, yes, but suffering remorse and a terrible regret that our emotions had forced us to behave in such a manner.

When the guests had all departed I was glad to retire to our bedroom.

David said: “You are very tired, Claudine.”

I replied that it had been a long day.

“I think it went well,” he continued. “Your mother certainly knows how to manage these affairs. It was very different here before she married my father.” He lay down beside me and said: “Isn’t it wonderful to see two people so much in accord as they are?”