“Well, as you know, I can’t speak about that until we know more. Tabofren was never studied in a clinical setting in the U.S. I do remember reading something about a similar drug a while back in a medical journal—some study going on up in Canada—but I can’t remember the specifics. In any case, it’s possible if it was being administered while she was in a coma, it might have amplified her memory loss from the accident.”

Dr. Murphy flipped through her chart. “It looks like you weren’t given Tabofren for at least six months after the accident.”

“I was pregnant.”

“At least someone had the good sense not to give it to you during a pregnancy,” the doctor said. “There’s no telling what an experimental drug like that would have done to a fetus. Your child doesn’t show any symptoms?”

“No.”

“I’d like to have Reed tested, just to be safe,” Ryan cut in, glancing at Kate. When she nodded, he looked back at the doctor. “What are the chances she’ll get her memory back?”

“At this point? I wouldn’t count on it. It’s been almost two years, and she hasn’t remembered anything yet. You’ve been back in San Francisco, what, a month, Kate?”

“Yes, about.”

“And in that time, any memories?”

There were feelings. Mostly déjà vu feelings, but those weren’t memories. She shook her head.

Dr. Murphy nodded. “Sometimes memories are triggered by familiar faces and locations. If that hasn’t happened yet, I’m not overly optimistic it’s going to.”

That wasn’t a surprise to Kate. She hadn’t expected to remember anything. One look at Ryan, though, and she saw he’d been hoping for different news.

She willed herself not to let Ryan’s disappointment affect her. “What about now? Am I in the clear, or should I be worried about any long-lasting effects?”

Dr. Murphy leaned back and brushed a hand over his bald head. “I wish I could give you a better answer. The reality is, we just don’t know. Your scan looks fine now. I don’t see anything that would cause concern. However, you received an experimental drug, and we don’t know what that might do to you down the line, if anything. For now, I wouldn’t worry too much, just be cautious of any changes you experience.”

“But I’m not totally in the clear. That’s what you’re telling me?”

He leaned forward, his face softening. “You could be hit by a car and killed tomorrow, Kate. Worrying about what might happen isn’t going to change anything. But you’re high risk. I wouldn’t ever forget about that fact or pretend it isn’t an issue, because it is. My advice would be bi-yearly checkups at this point, unless something changes.”

Ryan nodded, glanced at Kate. “That’s doable.”

Doable but not what she’d been hoping for. She would always worry. Every time she mixed up colors or numbers like she still so often did, she’d worry it was something more.

Dr. Murphy rose, and she and Ryan followed suit. Ryan thanked him.

“No problem. Set up an appointment for your son on your way out. We’ll just make sure everything’s fine with him as well.”

“Thank you.” Kate followed Ryan out the door.

When the elevator door slid closed behind them, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. She could feel the relief in his body and the disappointment lurking beneath. “That’s good news,” he said into her hair.

Why didn’t he sound more sure? She rested her head against his chest, fought the urge to sink into him and let him be her strength. She wasn’t stupid enough to think there was any sort of happily ever after for them. Not when she knew what was going on between them was just physical, that it wasn’t strong enough to last.

When his lips grazed her temple, her eyes slid shut. He was warm and comforting, everything she needed right now. And it scared her to death.

“Yeah,” she whispered. So why didn’t she believe it?

“Something’s going right,” he said quietly.

She nodded in agreement. She wasn’t going to die of cancer. She might turn out okay even with all the drugs they’d pumped into her. But would she survive whoever was out there snuffing out research patients?

That was the question swirling in her mind now. That and what the hell she was going to do about the man next to her.

* * *

Kate let her head fall back against the headrest and closed her eyes. The rhythmic clicking told her they were still on the bridge, that in good traffic she had another twenty minutes to ponder the nightmare that was her life before they made it to the beach.

What she wanted was a long, hot bath, an enormous glass of wine, and solitude. What she had was Ryan Harrison. Seated next to her, he radiated tension and worry. And it only grated on her more.

Her cell phone rang, startling her out of her depressing musings. She reached into her bag and lifted it to her ear.

“Kate, is that you? It’s Simone.”

“Hey.”

“Where are you?”

“In the car, on the way out to Moss Beach.”

“Is Ryan with you?”

Kate’s gaze flicked sideways at Ryan’s tense shoulders as he turned the wheel of the Jag. “Yeah, he’s here.”

“I wasn’t able to find him. His secretary said he was out today, but that he had his phone on him.”

“He must have turned it off.” During the appointment with Dr. Murphy. When they’d been talking about her future. A future that didn’t look as optimistic as it had only a few hours ago.

“Regardless, I’m glad I found you,” Simone said. “I have news. We found Reynolds.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. Facedown in his swimming pool in Houston.”

“Shit.”

Ryan’s gaze shot to her. She saw the questions in his eyes but glanced away. She couldn’t deal with his worry. Not yet.

“Yeah,” Simone went on. “Authorities are calling it an accidental drowning. He was bloated for two full days before the neighbors found him. Turns out he took an unexpected trip to Canada, just after Jake died. Neighbors didn’t even know he was back yet.”

“Oh, my God.” Kate closed her eyes.

“They’re not ruling out foul play, but at the moment, it doesn’t look like they have any leads.”

“How convenient.”

“Kate.” Simone paused again. “There’s more.”

She swallowed hard. Did she really want to know? No. She didn’t. “Tell me.”

“My PI has a lead on Walter Alexander. He thinks he’s found him up in Vancouver, BC. I’ve got some business in Seattle later this week. I think I might catch a flight up and see if I can find him.”

Panic coursed through Kate. “No. Don’t do that.”

“Relax, it’s no biggie. The firm won’t even miss me.”

“Simone, you don’t understand. Things are getting out of control. Don’t go up there. Just walk away.”

“Kate, I really don’t think—”

Ryan plucked the phone out of her hand. Her fingers clenched into a fist. Her jaw tightened. Anger and frustration at the entire situation welled inside her. As he listened intently while Simone relayed the information to him a second time, Kate closed her eyes and dropped her head back against the seat. If he wanted to take over, she’d let him. She couldn’t do anything about it. He had as much at stake here as she did. But his overbearing reaction was just one more reminder that he expected her to be the docile wife he remembered, and that wasn’t her.

He ended the conversation just about the time he pulled into her drive in Moss Beach. His strong hand reached for hers, and she fought the urge to cling to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Talk to me,” he said quietly.

That wouldn’t solve anything. It would only make it worse. A tender conversation about her fears and anxieties would only land her where she really didn’t need to be, and that was in his arms.

She needed to keep perspective, to figure out what the hell she was going to do next. To stop being distracted by a crazy attraction that would only lead to heartbreak.

“I’m fine,” she said again. “I just need a few minutes.”

With hands more steady than she expected, she eased out of the car. He followed her into the house and stood in the entry with his hands on his hips, watching her. She turned to face him, avoiding his gaze, avoiding the comfort she knew was right where she wanted it. “I need to go get a few things upstairs. Just…just make yourself at home. I’ll be back.”

She wasn’t sure how she made it up the stairs, but she paused at the top, looked one way, then the other. Her bedroom was to the right, Reed’s bedroom and her office to the left. If she went into her bedroom and Ryan followed, her willpower would break, and they’d end up in bed. If she went into her office, she’d have the buffer of walls between her and that soft, sweet spot she wanted to tumble across with him.

Sinking into the chair behind her desk, she dropped her hands in her lap and glanced around. Boxes still sat near the window. Pictures leaned against the wall, waiting to be hung. So many things she’d meant to get to, but had never found time for.

“What are you doing?”

Ryan’s voice didn’t surprise her. She’d known he’d follow, that he’d be worried. Why was she able to read him so well all of a sudden?

“Storm’s coming in,” she said quietly, staring out the window.

“Looks pretty calm to me.”

“It’s deceptive. You can tell when a big one’s coming. The wind dies down. There’s the slightest hint of darkness on the horizon. And when you step outside, you can almost smell it in the air.”

He crouched in front of her, resting a hand on her thigh. Her skin sizzled through the thick denim of her jeans. Her body ached to be caressed by those firm hands.

It wouldn’t help.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” he said gently. “Don’t worry.”

Don’t worry. Just like that. If only.

She mustered up as much courage as she could and faced him. “I don’t need you to make it okay for me, Ryan. I know you think you have to swoop in here and protect me from this whole thing, but I can handle it.”

His back straightened, but he didn’t move his hand. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Yes, it is. I know you’re just trying to help, but you’re smothering me. I came up here with the intention of getting my things to go back with you but realized what I need is time to sort through everything on my own.”

His eyes narrowed. “I missed something between this morning and now. What’s going on?”

She brushed his hand away and rose. Telling him to leave when his touch was searing her skin wouldn’t work. She needed space between them. “You didn’t miss anything from this morning. Maybe you just missed it in general.”

He pushed to his feet. “You’re going to have to explain, because I can’t seem to read your mind.”

She lifted her hands, dropped them. “What do you see when you look at me?”

“Is this a trick question?”

“No. It’s an honest one. I know what you see. You see Annie.”

“And that’s bad because…”

“Because, Ryan, I’m not her.”

A frown tugged at his mouth. “What are you talking about?”

He didn’t get it. She wasn’t sure he ever would. And even though it wasn’t the most pressing issue at the moment, it would always be a problem between them. Dealing with it now, before either of them got more hurt in this crazy situation was the best idea.

“I’m talking about this.” She waved her hands. “This, this thing going on between us isn’t working. Every time you look at me, you see someone who doesn’t exist anymore. You have this need to protect me, but it’s not me you’re worried about, it’s someone I used to be. Someone I’m not anymore.”

“Run that by me again, because I’m a little lost.”

She let out a breath. “Ryan, in all the time we’ve been together, you haven’t once called me Kate.”

“Yes, I have.”

“No, you haven’t. I’ve been listening.” Her heart clenched, but she refused to acknowledge the pain. A pain that was a thousand times sharper than she’d expected. “I can admit I’m wildly attracted to you, but that’s just physical. It doesn’t mean anything. You’re attracted to someone who’s not here anymore. I don’t know how to be that person, and I’m not even sure I want to try. I like who I am now. And the person I am now doesn’t need you hovering over her, trying to shelter her from this whole mess.”

He shifted his weight. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying…I don’t think this is going anywhere. I appreciate your help, that you’ve given up time today to check things out with me, but going back to your house with you tonight isn’t going to help matters. Reed and Julia are already confused. Being near you, acting on this combustible attraction isn’t going to help make things better. We both know this isn’t going anywhere, that neither of us is what the other needs or wants in the long run.”