Ryan Michele - Wanting You

“Obviously. But what happened? And how was he?” I stared at Kinsley not wanting to answer, but did anyway.

“The sex was amazing. It’s what happened after that tore me up.” Blowing out a deep breath and taking a sip of my coffee, I continued, “He said he wanted to keep fucking to work me out of his system, just like you’d overheard at the bar. I blew up.”

“You sure were drinking tequila like water.”

“Kins, I know you tried to stop me. Thanks.”

“It is what it is. We got ya home safe, that’s all that matters, but we gotta talk about this.” Kinsley’s voice took on a deep level of concern.

“What?” I asked, thinking it was about Deke.

“You kinda drank a lot last night … like your mom does.” She whispered the last part, but it didn’t stop the shock that roared through my body.

“What? You think I’m an alcoholic like my mother?” I argued, staring at Kinsley and trying desperately to make heads or tails out of what she was saying.

“No. I’m not saying that. It’s just … you need to be careful so you don’t end up that way.” Sawyer’s calm voice was soothing.

“I’m not an alcoholic,” I said adamantly.

“We don’t think you are. We just want you to be careful.” Sawyer grabbed my arm and gently rubbed it. I knew they meant well.

“So, how big of an ass did I look like?” I must have been a huge one to garner all this talk.

“Well, I only saw from a distance as I couldn’t help but dance with that hot ass cowboy.” Sawyer’s big smile cut across her face. “Anyway, from where I saw, it just looked like you two were talking. You stomped off, and then Deke grabbed you and kissed you. And let me tell you, that was a hot kiss.”

“I actually don’t remember much after the kiss,” I said.

“You pretty much broke after that,” Kinsley said, rolling on her back.

“What do you mean broke?” I asked.

“Crying … a lot of crying.”

“In front of everyone?” I gasped, embarrassed.

“No, I shielded your face. No one saw anything. The real waterworks didn’t start until we got home,” Kinsley added.

Breathing out a sigh, I said, “Well, at least I didn’t make an ass of myself crying over a guy.”

“I knew it was coming soon, the way you were pounding the drinks.” I stared at Kinsley as I took a sip of my coffee.

“So, what are you going to do?” Sawyer asked.

“Didn’t you ask me that same question back when I first got here?” I smirked.

“Sure did. Now it’s a bit different.”

“I can’t believe I slept with him.” I grabbed my head with the hand not holding the mug. “I mean, I do believe it … but I was thinking it was more than sex. But obviously not to him. I’m just not built like that.”

“We know. I told him as much.”

“What did you say to him, Kinsley?” I asked with a touch of anger in my voice.

“I just told him that he fucked up, and you are not the type of girl to be anyone’s fuck buddy. I also told him that he should have already known that.” Kinsley threw her arm over her eyes. “I also tried to stop him from coming after you and Marc. He proceeded to tell me that you were his, and then left without another word to me.”

“I’m not his. I will not be his the way he wants.” I could hear the touch of venom in my tone.

“We know. The way he went about his was fucked up.”

“No shit. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. This was not what I had in mind when I came back here.” I tried biting back the tears that were attempting to escape.

Kinsley put her hand on my leg. “You knew it wouldn’t be all roses and butterflies with him.”

“I know, Kins. I just didn’t expect this …”

I could tell Sawyer was done with this conversation. “Come on. Get your ass up and let’s get something to eat.”

* * *

That night, thoughts of Deke kept me from any semblance of a good night’s sleep.

“Would you come out of there?” I heard Sawyer yell through the door. “You’ve been locked in there for three days. Come on!”

Little did Sawyer know, I got tons of writing done these last three days. My characters had taken my mind off all the thoughts that wanted to ramble through my brain. It may just be some of my best work so far.

Opening the door, I asked, “What’s up?”

Barging through the door, Sawyer plopped on the bed. “What is going on? We haven’t seen you for days.”

“I’ve been writing. And you did see me for a few minutes when I came out for food, so don’t be so dramatic.” Not that it was too long; I tried my hardest to make myself scarce.

“You’re hiding,” Sawyer accused.

“Nah. Been writing, trying to get this story to flow.” And trying not to let Deke invade every waking moment of my thoughts.

“And hiding from what happened with Deke.”

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” I cut her off from further discussion. I thought I’d done a pretty good job focusing on my writing, but maybe not so much.

“Too bad. You can’t hide out in here. Z’s come by asking to talk to you, but I’ve batted him off. And your cell’s been ringing like crazy.”

“Sorry, I should have turned it off,” I said, joining her on the bed. “What did Z need?”

“He wouldn’t tell me, but we did hang out for a bit.” The gleam in her eyes was seriously telling.

“You have a thing for Z?”

Saw blushed. “Why would you say that?”

“Don’t play coy with me.” I should have known it wasn’t one-sided.

“I’ve known him for years, but he’s never paid me any attention, unlike every other woman in this town.” Saw rolled her eyes and hung her head.

“Then what was that ‘dancing with the cowboy at the bar’ thing the other night.”

“Havin’ fun.” Her coyness was adorable.

“You ever make a move on Z?”

Sawyer laughed. “Are you serious?”

I looked at her dumbfounded. “Yeah.”

Blowing out an exasperated breath, Sawyer stared at me. “I’ve never had the chance. He’s too busy with all the others to even notice me. So, I just do my own thing. I’m not waitin’ around for him or anything.”

“Good for you. You shouldn’t wait. One day, if he hasn’t already, he’ll notice.”

“Right. Whatever. Anyway … Deke. What are you gonna do? You can’t say cooped up in here for the rest of your life.”

“You act like I’m a hermit or something. I’ve been writing. I haven’t been crying my eyes out or anything like that.” At least, not for the most part.

“So you coming out today?”

“I’m thinkin’ about it.”

“Seriously Vann?”

“Look Saw, I’ve been in love with Deke since I was a kid. You don’t just switch that off, there’s too much history.”

“It’s been five years,” she whispered.

“Yep, and for five years, he’s all I’ve thought about. He’s all I’ve wanted, even if I was with someone else. Which is why none of them lasted long.”

“Sorry.” Saw stared down at her hands.

“All right, so what do you want to do today?” I asked, needing to break the Deke tension in the room.

“I thought you were going to write.”

“Nope. Let’s go shop.”

Smiling, Sawyer laughed. “Now you’re talking. Meet you downstairs in ten.”

“You got it.”

* * *

Grabbing my cell, I had several missed calls: Grams, Z, and tons from Deke. I couldn’t help the giddiness that washed over me in seeing the amount of times Deke called. I could still feel his lips and touch every time I closed my eyes. I couldn’t help myself from wanting him. God help me.

“You ready?” Saw’s voice made me jump.

“Shit. You scared me. Yeah.”

“Let’s get something to eat first. We’ll hit up Ludy’s for a burger.”

“Sure.” I wasn’t going to tell her that I really didn’t feel like eating, and hadn’t for the past few days, but I’d try.

Pulling into the diner, the paint was worn and the sign that read ‘Ludy’s’ was quite faded, but this place did have the best burgers in town. We found a corner booth, and I began to prepare myself for Sawyer. After ordering, it didn’t take long for her to begin.

“So?” Saw asked, folding her hands together and laying them in front of her on the table.

“So what?”

“How was he?” I rolled my eyes, not wanting to relive how utterly amazing it was being with him or how it was the best orgasm of my life.

“Let’s not.”

“Come on. I know it ended shitty, but how was it before that?” Thinking back to Deke’s desk, my blood began to heat up and not from anger. The sexy way his fingers grazed my skin lighting every nerve as he went.

“He’s good.” Lame.

“Good. Spill it. Was it better than your first?”

I stared at her as if she grew two heads. “God, yes.” Pausing, I tried to collect my thoughts. “He’s grown up, Saw, and has probably been with lots of women. He knows exactly what to do to make a woman happy.”

“Did you scream?” Her question caught me off guard.

“What is up with you Sawyer?” I eyed her wearily … she had never been the one to need details from my sexual experiences. That would be Kinsley.

Blowing out a deep breath, she said, “I’m just living vicariously through you. It’s been a long time.”

“How long?”

Sawyer entangled her fingers and began to stare at them. “Years,” she said softly.

“Really?” I couldn’t help my shock. Sawyer was one smokin’ hot chick. I would think she could get it whenever she wanted.

“Don’t sound so shocked. It’s not like I became a nun or anything,” she said, smiling.

“You holding out for someone?” I winked.

“Shut it. No.” But the smirk playing on her lips told me I nailed it.

“Mmmhhmm … Z, huh?”

Before she could answer, the waitress appeared with our food, setting it before us. “Look, Saw. What happened with Deke can’t happen again.”

“Why?”

“Why do you think?”

“You still love him?”

“I don’t know if I love him or the him he used to be. My judgment’s a bit whack.”

“It’s always hard to forget your first.”

“It’s not just that. I’ve compared every guy I’ve dated to him. I know that’s shitty, but not one matched up.” We sat there in silence, eating, while Sawyer was apparently trying to figure out what to say. I didn’t think anything could help fix this situation.

Hearing the overhead bell on the door chime, both Sawyer and I looked up. Walking in was a beautiful little girl wearing the most adorable pink and white flowered dress. Her blonde hair hung below her shoulders and was held up a headband with a bow on it.

As she looked up, I followed her gaze. Gasping loud enough for everyone in the damn town to hear me, I immediately brought my hands to cover my mouth, embarrassed.

He must have heard me because the same blue eyes I look at in the mirror every morning found mine. I felt stuck in a trance, unable to look away from him, and he seemed to be the same.

“Holy shit,” Sawyer muttered.

I heard Sawyer, but couldn’t move. Whether frozen from fear, anger, nervousness, I didn’t know. My dad stood at the door, and I so badly wanted to know what was going through his head. Was he happy to see me, pissed … did he hate me because Mom made me leave?

He looked almost the same, except his hair had a dusting of gray forming around his ears while the rest remained a darker blond. His face still held its strong jawline, and he was just as handsome as he was when I was little.

As the little girl pulled on his arm, he broke eye contact with me and looked down, smiling at her. I knew that exact smile she was receiving, as I was once on her end of it.

My eyes stayed glued to the two, not even blinking. Of the scenarios I played out in my head of seeing Dad again, me being stunned and speechless was not one of them. I had role played it many times in my mirror—yelling, cussing, and condemning him to hell. But nothing would come out.

Dad whispered something into the little girl’s ear, and they began walking over to my table. The surge of anger that I thought would be there at seeing him again was nowhere to be found.

“Hi Savannah.” His gravelly voice was exactly the same even after all this time.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I gave a little cough. “Hi.”

“How are you?” He actually sounded sincere.

“Fine.” I didn’t want to be rude, but the awkwardness was sparking my anxiety.

“You sure are beautiful.”

“Thanks.” I almost called him Dad, but didn’t know if I should, fearing my sister had no clue I existed.