Ryan Michele - Wanting You

I just kept pulling from her. I wanted to suck five years of missed kisses, time, and everything I lost the day she left, out of her. The kiss wasn’t sensual or loving. I was brutal, demanding, and I couldn’t help the anger that spilled from me.

I needed to get this out of the way. Pulling back, I looked into Vann’s slowly opening eyes, and said, “Goodbye Vann.” I then walked straight to my office, slamming and locking the door.

“FUCK!” I wanted to punch something, beat the shit out of something. Now. Why the hell did she come back here after all these fucking years? Why? There was no need for her to be here. And in my bar, no less.

A sudden banging on the door pulled my attention from my internal meltdown.

“Go the fuck away!” I yelled at the door.

“Deke, it’s Z. Let me in.”

“No,” I growled.

“What the fuck, dude?”

“Go get some ass. Leave me alone,” I barked.

“Let me the fuck in.” His voice was now irritated.

Stomping to the door, I threw it open. “What? And you’re not coming in.”

“What the hell happened out there? That chick you kissed left in tears.” A flash of sadness went through me, but I instantly shook it off. Fuck her, she deserved to cry.

I stared at him. “That was Vann, Z.”

“Oh. Shit.” The instant recognition in Z’s face showed me he knew who I meant.

“Yeah. Oh shit. Go away before I pound your fucking head in.”

“I need a drink.” Z turned and left me to myself.

“Me too,” I muttered to no one, slamming the door. Rummaging through my drawers, I found a bottle of tequila and began to drink … and drink … and drink. Fuck it.

The last time I saw Vann, we had sex by the docks. She was the only person I could talk to about the tangled mess that was my life. The next day, I get a fucking Dear John letter about how her mom was making her leave and how she was ‘so sorry.’ Fuck that. She had a choice.

Her Grams lived here this entire time. There was no fucking reason she couldn’t have stayed with her. She didn’t even like her mother, but yet went along with her and left me the fuck here. Alone.

Fuck Her. I slugged back more tequila in an attempt to clear my mind of Vann.

Waking up, my eyes felt heavy, and it was difficult to open them. I knew it had to be from the load of tears I’d shed the night before. The memories from the previous night flooded me, and the tears began to fall again.

Deke had kissed me goodbye. The significance of this was more than I could bear. He didn’t get to five years ago, and this was his way of finally shutting the door. I should have known he’d be pissed. I just didn’t expect to see him this hurt.

The first six months living with Aunt Tennie in California were terrible. I couldn’t eat or sleep, and I had no friends. No one. I was totally alone. My mom and aunt were either drunk or high and did nothing except occasionally give me money to get food because they had the munchies. I kept thinking it would get better, but I was dead wrong.

I missed Deke and my friends, but my mom kept telling me Deke would have moved on soon after we left and crying over some man was pathetic. A guy like him wouldn’t wait around.

I called Sawyer and Kinsley constantly, but my calls to Deke were never returned. I didn’t give up, but nothing ever came from any of my efforts. I was beyond hurt he didn’t answer—I was crushed. I just assumed my mom was right—I never meant anything to him.

His reaction to me last night was not what I had expected. When I thought about it, I didn’t know what I expected. I knew I wanted him back in my life, but his dismissal at Sully’s showed me exactly where I rated in his eyes.

Seeing him up on stage sent me into a tailspin. I watched as his muscles rippled each time he moved. Not to mention I wondered when he learned to play like that. I loved all the covers they sang and was mesmerized by the ones I didn’t know. He was absolutely gorgeous up there. No longer the boy that I knew, he was all man now.

While his hair was a bit darker than the light blond it once was, it was unruly and begged to have a woman’s hands in it. There was no doubt in my mind that he worked out. His arms were like tree trunks—strong. My imagination went a bit wild about what was under that black tee he was wearing. His tattoos damn near made my mouth water. I’d always written about men with tattoos, but seeing his in person caused a whole new kind of reaction. Deke’s left arm from wrist to elbow had three black abstract stars, varying in size. Above the stars, partially hidden by his sleeve, was another that appeared to be a tribal tattoo, but with words that I was unable to read from where I stood. At that moment, I wanted to explore each one.

When the set ended, I about lost my shit when I heard his voice. Once he was able to take his eyes off my body—mostly my chest—he looked in my eyes. Blue-gray on blue. I knew the moment he saw them he would recognize me.

And then the kiss happened. Holy shit could that man kiss. I was too caught up in the way his lips moved to even have a reasoning bone in my body. I tried to resist, but turned into liquid in his arms. This was what I had wanted for so long, and suddenly it was happening.

He stopped, his eyes turning cold as ice before the deadly blow: ‘Goodbye Vann.’ I never thought two words could hurt so badly.

After getting my sorry ass home, Sawyer and Kinsley took me up to my room where I shooed them away. I didn’t want anyone around. I needed some space. I cried—for leaving, for my mother guilting me into leaving, for my mother’s drinking, for my father’s stupidity. I cried for Deke.

At some point, I finally cried myself to sleep.

Waking up to two women bouncing on my bed was not the way I wanted to start my day. I needed to remember to lock the damn door. “What do you want? I’m tired,” I moaned at them.

“What do you want to do today?” Sawyer asked.

“Nothing. Sleep.”

“Stop that shit right now. Who gives a shit about Deke? You can do so much better than that man-whore.”

My eyes shot to Kinsley. I should have known she wouldn’t let last night slide. “Drop it.”

Plopping back down, I wrapped myself in a cocoon of blankets, but they didn’t stay on me long as Kinsley ripped them off.

“Damn it!” I yelled.

“I’m sorry, Vann,” Sawyer’s voice came out in a whisper.

“Don’t be,” I said as I tried to pull the pillow in front of my face, but Kinsley stopped me.

“Yeah, don’t be. She knew what could happen, and it’s done. Now let’s find some fresh meat!” Kinsley always had a way to make me smile even when I didn’t want to.

“Ha. Ha.” Blowing out a deep breath, I said, “Look, I knew that he might have this reaction. It just hurt. I’m gonna give myself today to have a Vann pity party, and then I’ll be good. Okay?”

Sawyer and Kinsley looked at each other, but Kins spoke, “Nope, you have the morning. This afternoon, we are getting manis, pedis, and going to lunch. So get your shit together.”

“Whatever,” I mumbled, pulling my covers back over me. Hearing the door close, I allowed the final tears that I was going to cry over Deke flow out of me. For five years, all I had thought about was getting Deke back in my life. Now, he was really gone.

Deke

My mouth tasted like fucking cotton, and I could barely open my eyes. Damn tequila. My bed didn’t feel right; it was bumpier than usual. Trying to take in my surroundings, seeing pink and feathers everywhere gave it away. Mindy’s. Fuck.

Looking to my side confirmed it, as I saw the naked woman sprawled out on the bed. I don’t even remember seeing her after I started drinking. I needed to get the fuck out of here. Rolling off the bed, pulling my clothes on as fast as I could, I reached for my cell to call Z. “Hey. At Mindy’s. Come get me.”

“Dude. I’m fucking sleeping. Can’t she take you?”

“No. Come on.”

Z sighed. “Damn it. Be there in five.”

Hearing Mindy’s purr, I knew she was wake. Fuck, I almost made it. “Gotta go. Later.”

“Wait. Who’s Vann?” Stopping dead in my tracks, I turned to look at her, the sheet falling down to her waist, her tits fully on display.

“What?” I asked.

“Who’s Vann? You kept calling me Vann last night. I’m all for role playing, but there toward the end, I was thinking she was an actual person.”

“Why?” I said, raising my eyebrow.

“You just kept saying shit about her leaving you. At least I’m assuming it’s a her.” I could see the hurt in Mindy’s eyes. It was time to break this shit.

“I don’t date dudes, so what do you think? This thing between us is over. Don’t come to me anymore,” I ground out, throwing my boots on.

“Why, what did I do? I let you call me another woman’s name and still kept fucking you.” Mindy’s face was flaming red. I knew this shit would happen. Women’s feelings always bubbled to the surface. This was exactly why I went for the easy fuck.

“Done. Later.”

Sitting on the front step, I tied my boots and waited for Z to show up. Fucking Vann. What did she think? I’d be happy to see her ass after all these years? She fucking left me. Left me. Fuck her.

She looked nothing like the Vann I remembered. Five years ago, she was the epitome of a book nerd, even had the glasses to go with it. But I saw something different in her. Everyone at school used to tease the shit out of her for reading all the time and never partying like the rest of us, but not me.

No one knew, but Vann was my fucking rock. She was there to catch me, at least for a little while.

“I don’t know how this happened,” I whispered, lying on Vann’s lap. The lake was quiet—only the sounds of the crickets chirping breaking the silence. The reflection of the moon in the water was blurry from my tears. I couldn’t make them stop. There was only one person on this planet that I would allow to see them. Vann.

“I’m so sorry, Deke.” Vann said those words to me hundreds of times over the past two months. Each time, I sucked them in. She stroked my hair over and over. I never told her that I absolutely loved it.

Vann was the only one who didn’t blame me. She didn’t think it was my fault. My parents did, the town did, hell, even I did … everyone thought it was my fault, but Vann. She was always trying to convince me that it was an accident. But that didn’t help. Who gave a shit if even the cops thought it was an accident. It just meant that I wasn’t going to jail. I should be there—forever—for what I did. It’d be better than going through the hell of my everyday life now.

It was almost two months since it happened. My mom refused to talk to me—what mom would do that? My dad only talked to me when he had to, but I’d take what I could get. My friends were still around, but no one said a word to me about it.

Except for Vann.

“I should have been watching more closely. If I would have, I could have stopped it.”

“No, you couldn’t have,” Vann argued.

“I could have at least tried,” I whispered.

“Jaxson wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself.” Vann’s voice was shaky. She was always nervous when she said his name, like she was afraid I might blow up at her, which unfortunately I had done several times.

“He’s not here to worry about it,” I clipped.

“I know. But he loved you.”

“That’s why I should have saved him, or it should have been me.” I’d never forget him yelling my name as the current took him under. I swam as fast as I could, but the undercurrent swept him away. I couldn’t find him, anywhere. I swam until my arms and legs wouldn’t work another second. The rescue squad found him four miles downstream.

I knew we shouldn’t have been hanging out in the creek. It had rained the day before and the water was moving fast, but we were stupid. And it cost Jaxson his life.

I looked up at the sound of a car horn as Z pulled into the drive. I needed to get my shit together.

“What’s up?” Z asked, breaking the silence in the truck.

“Nothing. Take me home,” I said, rolling the window down. I needed air.

“Grump. What crawled up your ass?” Z snarled.

“Mindy probably.”

“I didn’t even see you leave with her.”